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I Scream - You Scream, Part 3
2007-05-28 - 9:53 p.m.
Seperation Anxiety: The final arc of Y: The Last Man
Listening To: Bottom of the 8th, Sox vs. Indians, aka - Trot's homecoming
Quote:"Brett Sommers, you need to Sober Up or Shut it Down!" - Ryan G., on the death of Charles Nelson Reilly
Lordy. What a weekend. Blood, graham crackers, missing finger flesh, bed sandwiches, wooden toilet seat yearbooks, martinis sticking your feet on floors, bbbqs, and did I mention the bed sandwiches?? But yeah - a cah-razy weekend. I can't imagine matching it for random, crazy, insanity for a good long while. Well, at least until next weekend. Or at the very least, New Jersey next month.
But what better way to settle things down at the end of this very memorable Memorial Day weekend, than. with. ICE CREAM?? Don't mind if I do!
[Oh hi. Are you just getting here? Did you read the title? This here is Part THREE. As in 3. 3rd. So go read Part 1 and Part 2 first. It'll make more ice-creamy sense that way. So now, with slightly less further and mountain dew, the Last Row of Good Humor fun!]
~ Cotton Candy
Mmmmm. Cotton Candy. Everyone knows the cornerstone of every Sandwich Fair is some cotton candy! Wait - I may be thinking of an Oscar telecast. No wait - I may be thinking of Jerry Falwell's secret sex parties! That's it. I was definitely thinking of that. Oops! Sorry Rev! I guess they're aren't secret anymore! Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yes, Cotton Sex Parties. I mean Cotton Candy. It looks pretty pink. More like pretty IN pink! Ha ha ha. God, I'm good. Anyway. Sometimes cotton candy is kind of gritty. You know? Like all in your teeth. Gritty and stuff. I hope that's not the case. And I hope that little anthropomorphized cotton candy creature isn't ON the ice cream. That would frighten me. More than a lot. So, as long as no grit and no creature, C +
~ Cherry Banana Split
Look. I'm going to ruin the big surprise right now and tell you that I'm going with an A + for this bad boy. Oh yes. Now, I will use my well taught theorems to prove why I'm giving this isosceles triangle the golden ratio. I LOVE CHERRY. I'm also rather fond of BANANA. (Even if Friend feels the same way about fake banana as Friend feels about Strawberry Regular Type) And it's SPLIT! But it's not an even split down the middle or corner to corner! Oh no! It's jagged! Swirly almost! And now I'm going to be perpendicularly hypocritical. I WANT the anthropomorphized banana and cherry creatures on my ice cream! I need them. I
lust yearn for them nightly. You know what? Surprise ending! It was going to be an A +! But . . . if you can promise me the dancing fruit . . . wait for it . . . A ++!!!
~ Bubble Gum
Um. Well. I mean, obviously I like this. It's bubblegum. And it's got even more of a swirly jaggedness in its swirl than Cherry Banana Split. But the creatures yet again factor hugely into this more than they should. So is one of them Bubble and one of them is Gum? This stresses me out on the level of the whole Cherri & Bubb fiasco from a few years back. I don't know. The whole thing just seems a little trite now. Pretty well-worn territory, you know? I don't know. My guess is that it tastes like bubblegum. Red Sox beat the Indians in a tight 9th inning. Justin and Renee are there those lucky fucks. Hmmm? What's up? Oh yeah, B
~ Pink Panther
Boy, if there's anything more popular with kids than the Road Runner, it's the Pink god damned Panther. One time for Halloween my mother made me dress up as the Pink Panther. She claims I asked to be the Pink Panther. My mother claims a lot of things. She's STILL trying to link Kathie-Lee Gifford to the Hale-Bopp comet. Sigh. Anyway. The costume was pretty shitty. But one time, my sophomore year of high school, I invented a cocktail called, "The Pink Panther". I was a pro at avoiding copyright law issues back in '94. It was pretty simple. Vodka and pink lemonade. It was quite fantastic. And then Cupid shot me with his bizarro citric acid arrow. Thanks Cupid. Thanks a fucking heap. Because now the drink that was going to make me a thousandaire has a main ingredient that makes my skin melt off. Thanks for that. But yeah, this ice cream looks precious doesn't it? I like the clearly gumballed eyes. And his nose is such a funny triangle. Hee hee. Precious, I tell you! If it tastes like Pink Panther insulation, I'm going to puke on my shoes. If it doesn't taste like insulation, and instead, oh I don't know, slight pink lemonade??? B +
One time, my freshman year at UNH, I took the giant stuffed Tweety Bird that Tina loved more than life itself. She didn't know I had it. But she and Kris lived directly below us. So I tied a rope around Tweety's neck, all lynching like. Then I slowly lowered it down so she could see it through her dorm window. She screamed and screamed. And I laughed. And then they made a Tweety ice cream bar. Maybe it's lemon flavored. I don't know. Man. I guess there was such a huge demographic for ONE LOONEY TOONS cartoon bird ice cream that they made TWO LOONEY TOONS cartoon bid ice creams. Weird. Maybe it tastes like biting into a lemon. I hope not. But I really don't care. B -
~ Froze Toes
I have to give them credit for something so undeniably bat shit insane. Froze Toes? Who are the advertising geniuses who came up with this? Ok, so it's a giant foot (and that's like my last name! woot!) that potentially tastes like either bubblegum, pink lemonade or babies. It has some secret message written by the pinky toes that no matter HOW BIG I magnify the picture I can't possibly transcribe. It has a cartoon pink weasel with a baseball cap as it's mascot. And it has a JawBreaker for a big toenail. You just KNOW this originated from a Brazilian comic book or tele-novella. Really? Kids like eating feet? And toe-nails? Is this some sort of fetish ice cream treat? If so, it should either be at Falwell's sex parties or A-Rod's private discotheque on Fire Island. Either/or. Either/or. Anyway, I hope the big toenail isn't a sour jawbreaker. As long as it's not though, I respect the batshittery of this whole endeavor. B +
~ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
I'm happy about this. I really am. For real. I'm always a fan of TMNT. Sure, I would have enjoyed a Baxter Stockman ice cream treat. Or a Rocksteady and/or Bebop treat. But let's be realstic. #1. I'm thrilled that they didn't use Michaelangelo. Because he was always my least favorite turtle. It was because they DESPERATELY wanted him to be our favorite. And I didn't like having him shoved down our throats. Oh really? You like pizza? Who the fuck doesn't. Sit down. You make me tired. #2. Red was my least favorite color as a kid so it tortured me that Raphael was my favorite. I wasn't a fan of his weapon (sai) either. But he was a sarcastic mofo and I most certainly liked that! [See Michaelangelo, you were supposed to be the FUNNY ONE and you couldn't even do THAT right!] #3. Ahem, I'm not sure why they show a picture of
Cyclops Leonardo mincing about like Charles Nelson Reilly. Ohhhhh - too soon? I'm also dismayed that it includes the fact-packed text balloon "With Bubblegum Eyes!!!" Does that mean all the other ones that I hoped were bubblegum eyes aren't actually because it didn't explicitly say so?! I'm very confused. It might have to do with writing 26 ice cream reviews in a short span of time. No. I bet it has nothing do with that. Raphael looks very happy though. And that makes me happy. And for the record, Donatello's bow staff was my favorite. I know. I KNOW. Roight? B +
~ Two Ball Screwball
And now? The big finish. Two-ball Screwball! Hooooooray! It's summer! I mean, Screwball! Two-Ball type! Ok, I used to freak for Pop-Rocks from the ice cream truck when I lived in Lakeport. I know, what a waste. Pop Rocks isn't even ice cream. What a fucko I was. But my first ice cream love from the white, rusty truck was the Screwball (yup, Regular Type). It's a cone of soft (but firm!) sherbety/yogurty/ice creamery that tastes like nothing you've ever had. And you need to have a STRONG tongue for this mojo. And I don't mean to toot my own horn, but *toot, toot*. And you can't just lick to the bottom. Oh, heck no. You need to learn the perfect technique to shake it back and forth and catch the dwindling ice cream in your mouth without it going all over the place/face/clothes. And then! AND THEN! A reward for all your hard work! I like getting rewarded by my desserts. I like it a LOT. And then someone was all, "Wait! Let's add ANOTHER GUMBALL! And call it a Two Ball Screwball!" Thank you advertising genius. Thank you. Get in line behind the carrot and the strawberry crumbles. I've never, in all my years, had a blue raspberry one. Why would I? The other flavor is cherry! I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that you look like you've heavily applied 7 layers of lipstick after eating a Two Ball Screwball. And not evenly either. Like a Colombian Whore. Luckily, my work smiles on Colombian Whores. So when the ice cream truck comes by in the afternoon, everything works out just a-ok. Speaking of A's, The Two Ball Screwball gets an A+++
Ok, that's The End!!! I hope you enjoyed!
It's been real,
ps - New Poll!! Finally. It looks like quite a few of you voted in the Valentine's Day Poll. In 3rd Place, with 5 votes and 14%, Soleil Moon Frye was chosen as your 2007 Valentine. Red Auerbach's ghost slipped into the 2 spot with 6 votes and 16%. And a TIE for 1st place, with 7 votes and 19% each was Brian K. Vaughan and Lisa Miller!! Oh fine work my peeps! Fine work indeed! Now go vote in the new poll!
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