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I Scream - You Scream, Part 2

2007-05-28 - 1:09 p.m.

Seperation Anxiety: Sopranos Final Episodes

Listening To: Bunzu Sonds, 10cc, The Shins, Sondre Lerche

Quote:"I think I'm becoming Zachtose Intolerant." - Jason, to Big Nick and Pat

Hi. Here we are again. Moving on to Part Two. If you haven't already read Part One, you should do that first. Then take a break. Have some water. Your doctor says you should have 8 glasses a day. My doctor tells me 9. But that's because I'm tall. Sorry. Just thinking of your health. You need to stay hydrated. I worry about you. Sigh. Here we go kids.

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[Second verse, same as the first. Prices are not current. 2nd row this time around!]

~ Rainbow Cool Tube
Oh yes. I enjoy this. I enjoy this quite a bit. #1 - It's Rainbow flavored. #2 - It's Cool. #3 - It's a tube. It is in the vein of Flinstone Push-Up Pops (and their forebearers Mister Misty Kisses. Oh good Lord did I love those Kisses. I could do a whole entry on DQ. Maybe I should. Maybe I WILL! What do you think of that, smart guy?!) Anyway. I bet that this is quite the tasty treat. Though the lime may be sour. And I would not care for that. No sir, I would not.
B +

~ Tear Jerkers' Sour Cherry Cup
Oh man. This is quite the sticky wicket we have here. Indeed. There be but one flavor I love truer than sweet berry of the straw. And her name is Cherry. She's not a smart girl. But she works hard for her money. So hard for it honey. Also, her eyes could steal a sailor from the sea. [Except, of course, the one friggin' sailor she actually loves. Her eyes do shit for the sailor when she needs them to. And where's that gonna get her, huh? Full of more silver from the north of Spain, THAT'S where!] Anyway, it's Sour Cherry, not just Cherry Regular Type. And it would make my face fucking EXPLODE. As in, EXPLOSION. As in, my face totally exploding. Because I can't do sour stuff. I don't know if you knew that or not. Dammit. I'm sorry Cherry. I didn't want it to be this way. F +
{It gets the "+" because it could have been sour grape or sour apple. And that would have been foul. Well, fouler.}

~ Road Runner
And then there's Road Runner. Well, technically, then there's Maude. But no one wants a rootmarm-flavored ice cream treat, so they went with Road Runner instead. Here's the thing about Road Runner: Really? Road Runner? Because he's so popular with the kids? Because kids love hi-speed internet mascots who run around all the day long 'meep, meep'-ing? Does it taste like bird seed? God I hope so. But honestly, what the fuck does it taste like? Here's what I WANT them to taste like: The blue hair is blueberry, the orange beak is orange, the white mouth/white eyes are vanilla and the black eyeballs are licorice. Actually, that sounds like an awful combination. But I would love it just for the insanity of it. DO IT ROAD RUNNER! DO IT! Come on ROAD RUNNER, DO IT! C + if it's all plain janery. If it's my kwazy kombo of flavors? B

~ Lil Bratz
Here's the thing about this: F -

~ Sonic
Or does it say Sonic X? I can't really tell. And I could do some googling or wiki baloney. But I don't really care to. Nope. Also, they make Sonic look mentally deficient. [That's what most people call "retarded". But I'm not allowed to say/write/think/sign the word "retarded" (even though I know have twice in an explantion to tell you why I can't) because my mother equated people who say, "that word" with rapists, and Rupert Murdochs, and killers, and Jane Seymour. Yeah. And do we really wonder how we got here?] So yeah, Sonic's eyes are too close together and his nose looks like a jellybean. Which would be cool if it actually was. But I'm quite sure it's not. And I feel the blue hair/spikes must taste furry. Just 'cuz. I don't like furry tastes. That's why I don't eat kiwis. Ohhh, except on fruit tortes! Then I love them. I bet Sonic has a blue rasberry thing going on. Oh man, he TOTALLY would. He's so smug. With all those rings. And echidnas. Screw him. C -

~ Powerpuff Girls
Ok, we haven't been doing really well with the licensed stuff thus far, have we? But I have a good feeling about this one. I really do. But here's the catch. It HAS to taste like bubblegum. It MUST. It's really a deal-breaker. Truly. Her name is Bubbles. It must, therefore, taste like bubblegum. If it tastes like cherry strawberry wonderfulness poured directly from the Strawberry River that would be splendid under normal circumstances. But Bubbles has to taste like bubblegum. And her eyes NEED to be gumballs. If none of this is the case, C -, and not a total faliure, because I still think the Powerpuff Girls are pretty sweet. BUT, if my conditions are met? A

~ Tear Jerker Snow Cone
Sigh. You know how in nature there are predators with colors or sounds that attract their prey to them (more than likely this is in South America where absolutely everything is somehow attracting something else in order to slowly and viciously kill it. I read a book one time. So I know.) Well, anyway, imagine if you had a haz-mat shade of green glowing at you in its special ecto-cooler way with a plump, juicy looking cherry ball jewel in the center. And my eyes start to glaze over and my jaw unhinges so I can eat the whole thing and that's when my skin starts to vibrate and I hear this slow, countdown noise, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6 - hmmm? what's that? I'm too busy digesting this more-than-likely-non-sour-treat, I can't be bothered right now, 5, 4, 3 - oh God, I think my throat is closing up, what have I done?! 2, 1, so, so, sour - 0! FACE EXPLODE! God damn Tear Jerkers! More like Tear JERKS! Sigh. Nice presentation though. D -

~ Bubblegum Snowcone
Oh yes. Oh yes yes yes. Also - yes. I love this bubblegum snowcone with the fiery passions of a million firey passion dragons who breath 1,000 degrees of fiery passion every morning when they wake up. [Seriously. It's the first thing they do. Even before going to the bathroom.] This bubblegum snowcone is every Ice Cream Truck, Gilford Old Home Day, Elks Carnival, 4th of July smashed together. Is there a catch? You know there must be. Good God on a Go-kart do these fuckers melt. Do they MELT? I just said they did. And I ain't lyin'. I'm almost positive these things actually start melting before you even buy them. Pre-melting was big in Europe a few months back and I think it's finally trickling over to our shores. And sometimes the ice is so hard you have to excavate it with your teeth and then your whole mouth/face is covered in what looks like clown puke. (But tasty clown puke! That's key!) But back to the catch. It's served in a paper cup. So when this baby starts melting, the paper cup? It gets as soggy as a paper cup when it's wet. If you can wrap your head around that little metaphor. And it's slousing through the bottom of the paper cone and lip at the top is holding a bit of it's original rigidity, but just a bit, and the juices are getting all over your yellow shirt. The one you get when you were stuck at the Miami airport. And you don't have a Shout stick on you. At least you don't unless you're a total psycho. Which, actually, if you were a total psycho, at least you'd have the luxury of getting that stain out now. Sucks to be you. But the juices that actually get in your mouth? The juices that are sort of goat gray colored at this point because all the colors have mixed? That is tasty time ten. TIMES TEN!! (That's like to the 100th power. Or something. I don't know. I didn't sleep with my math teacher.) Yeah, so the wet cup sucks and all, but still, come on, I mean we're practically childhood friends here. A

To be Continued . . . In Part 4! Ok, no, I wish! More like Part 3. What?! The Traveling Wilburys released Vol. 3 after Vol. 1. Oh, I see. I'm not a rock and roll supergroup. You make a solid point. I haven't paid my dues. Well . . . when I DO pay my dues. You best watch out. All of you. I know where the bodies are buried. Unless you've all dug them back up and re-buried them in new places. Then . . . well, then my threat is kind of empty, no? I'd say so. Oh well. See you in Part 3!

It's been real,

Ghost Shrimp

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