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Quotes: Vol. 3

2007-01-01 - 8:46 p.m.

December 2006 - December 2007

~~~December 2006~~~

"My rat rash is itchy." - Shan-Y, to Lt. Comm. B. Cole, about her, well, rat rash. It's really all right there in the quote

"My wife made this from an old French recipe." - Mark, to Little Nick, "Oh, are you French?" - Little Nick, "Oui!" - Mark, "Oh! Both of you!" - Little Nick, confusing French affirmations for English pronouns

"I invented the 'Herm Doll'." - Little Nick, to anyone that would listen, "Really? Wow." - Zach, "It helps kids learn about both." - Little Nick, "Can I buy one?" - Zach, "No, they're not on the market yet." - Little Nick

"Gettin' stuff done is for wimps!" - Rich, to Chad and Zach, after Zach shared his plans to be productive on New Year's Day

~~~January 2007~~~

"We need to come up with something fun to do." - Jason, to Big Nick, Gabe, and Zach, "Well, we could probably go foursies on a stripper." - Zach, "Oh! I call first then!" - Jason, "Wait. What?! Wait. I think you misunderstood me." - Zach

"My nose stopped bleeding. I'm glad." - Jason, to Big Nick

"Would you like to play with my mortar and pestle?" - Big Nick, to Zach, "That's a no. Hey wait, we have a mortar and pestle?" - Zach

"That's it! No playing baseball in the house with an apple and a pestle!" - Zach, to Big Nick and Jason, "That's the mortar." - Jason, ""Oh . . . ok. Wait, no! I don't care! No baseball with an apple and mortar either!" - Zach, "Awwwwww." - Big Nick and Jason

"Friend, you know what else sucks? Straws." - Kate, to Zach

"How in the world is A&E going to skirt around all that nudity when they start airing Sopranos?" - Zach, to Kate, "How will they skirt it? PLEATS." - Kate, " . . . " - Zach

"Friend, I like your lemonade spiping." - Kate, to Zach, about the yellow stitch lines on his new sweatshirt, "Did you, ah, just say, 'spiping'?" - Zach, "Um . . . yeah. My 's' ran into my 'piping'." - Kate

"Man, I really put a hurtin' on the butter." - Jamie, on his single-minded focus over the complimentary tri-flavored popcorn bucket from Dalbello

"Ohhh, you're gonna be like 'House'!" - Annie, excitedly, to Zach, after finding out exactly how many painkillers he's taken over the last month

"Oooohhh! That must be the 5th ninja turtle's weapons!" - Little Nick, to Zach, about 2 giant, black metal t-bars, "5th Ninja Turtle?! Whoa. What color do they use?!" - Zach, "Turqoise . . . or yellow." - Little Nick, "And what's his name?" - Zach, "Ummm . . . Bellagio." - Little Nick

"You can nuke. And nibble. Nuke and nibble! That's what I do!" - Little Nick, to Zach, about tackling Riverbend with wisdom tooth removal pain, "Is that your solution for everything?! 'Nuke & Nibble'?" - Zach, " . . . and dribble." - Little Nick,

"She's as fine as a porcupine!" - Zach, to Andrea, about Kit on Nip/Tuck. I can't help it if I'm attracted to British, long haired, brunette, big-lipped, nymphomaniac law enforement ladies!

"Everyone that I put manginas on I also put sugar on." - Zach, to Andrea

"My box gave birth to the sickest banana you've ever seen!" - Little Nick, to Zach, about his Runts box's mutant quad banana. He wasn't kidding.

"Don't eat that! You just peed on it!" - Andrea, to (she CLAIMS) one of the chinchillas and NOT one of her children

"We could be simultaneous Gal Fridays!" - Monique, to Zach

"Brad Pitt and George Clooney have great screen chemistry." - Jason, to Nick and Zach, presenting a reason to watch Ocean's Twelve

"Is that Catherine Zeta-Jones?" - Zach, to Jason, "Da." - Jason, "Ja?" - Zach, "Da." - Jason, "Oh, oui." - Zach, "Da." - Jason, "Nyet?" - Zach, "Too far." - Jason, "Sorry." - Zach, during Ocean's Twelve

"I just turned your world upside down. Or at least 45 degrees." - Jamie, to Zach, regarding his mental/geographical repositioning of Lake Winnipesaukee

"You're gonna turn into a Ginger Ale!" - Chase, to Zach, about his dangerously high intake levels of Canada Dry, "GOOD! That's what I wanted!" - Zach, "Plus, you're gonna burn a hole in your pancreas." - Jamie, to Zach, "Hell, I've already burned all the holes I'm gonna burn." - Zach

"We burned a shoe together! That's significant!" - Beth, to Zach, "Yet I'm pretty sure that's not a Jewish tradition." - Zach, "In fact, I believe it's Zoroastrian." - Ryan

"Not having hot water can really put a damper in your stamper." - Peter, to Zach, about frozen pipe dreams

"So you're saying you'd like me to be your acupuncture guinea pig?" - Zach, " . . . yes." - Jason,

"I'm thinking of a new career path. I could work for you Jason. Do you need an artist's assistance?" - Zach, "You could mix my pigments." - Jason, "That . . . that's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me." - Zach

~~~February 2007~~~

"Would you like a Hawkeye?" - Zach, to Ralph, refering to the hunting/fishing free newspaper, "The only Hawkeye I want is a Hawkeye with a bow!" - Ralph, refering to the oft-dead superhero/archer, "Ooohhhh! I WISH I had a Hawkeye with a bow to give you!" - Zach

"I'm the Tim Wakefield of Beirut!" - Zach, to Chase and Jamie, due to his initial streakiness and then eventual baffling of his opponents in most Beirut situations

"Don't sit on the broken chair." - Big Nick, to Jason, "I can't. It's broken." - Jason

"That's pretty much my favorite animal: Nick as an Assyrian God." - Jason

"Thanks Bullet." - Jason, mocking Zach's laser style cup sinkage, "More like BULL IT!" - Zach, drunk

"Most of my hair is soft and downy. But it's course in some places." - Jason

"I hate thumb-rubbers!" - Beth, to Ryan and Zach

"Once the Pegasus was the true beacon of purity and then - WHAM! - horse sex!" - Jason, to Zach, after his shocking discovery that "pegasus" is apparently slang for humans having sex with horses. I'll take his word for it.

"Friend, do you like 'Clap Your Hands Say Yeah'?" - Zach, ". . . yeah." - Hayley, "Oh cool. I'm surprised though." - Zach, "Um." - Hayley, "Wait, did you say 'yeah' because you thought I told you to?" - Zach, "Huh?" - Hayley, "Because I said, 'Clap Your Hands Say Yeah'?" - Zach, "Yeah." - Hayley, "Stop. No. Wait. Did you just do it again that time?" - Zach, "Do what?! - Hayley, "Ok. Answer 'NO' if you have not heard of the band title 'Clap Your Hands Say Yeah' or answer 'YES' if you have heard of that band." - Zach, "No." - Hayley, "Figures." - Zach

"Merry Christmas Crocodile Dungy." - Peter, re: the SuperBowl we don't talk about

"Here's your ticket Danny." - Train ticket seller in CT, to Tommy "I guess that means I'm Danny now." - Tommy

"Joe, get that library off you right now!" - Ryan G., to Monique, refering to her outfit that he thought was rather 'professorial'

"Thirty! THIRTY! THIRTY!!!!" - Ryan, randomly pointing at strangers and drunkenly screaming his age at them for no apparent reason

"I still have two of my ocha bochas left." - Tommy, to Ryan, Monique and Zach at the bar

"What does polish sausage call itself?" - Monique, to Ryan, Tommy & Zach, during a round of "Chain Reaction" in which she was trying to make us guess the word 'keilbasa'

"I think you should get the point anyway for the mere reason that you guessed 'Brett Sommers' as your answer." - Zach, to Monique, during a close call answer in Chain Reaction

"Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay!" - Ryan & Zach, in tandem, trying to get Tommy to guess "Bonny", sadly unsuccessfully, during (yet more) Chain Reaction

"Zach! You're blocking my gremlin!" - Monique, to Zach, in S'MAC, while trying to photograph an albino mogwai (this is the absolute truth)

"Damn it. Yeti!" - Monique, failing to get her team to correctly guess "Yeti" during Chain Reaction

"You cheating cooter. You cheating ass cooter." - Monique, to Ryan, Tommy, and Zach, as their team - Team Cooter - pulled ahead of her team - Team Scrotum

"Is Jules going to be there?" - Brad, to Ryan J., wondering if their friend Jules will be at a certain bar, "You know Jewel?" - Tommy, to Ryan J., "No, I have a friend named Jules." - Ryan J., to Tommy, "Oh. Does *she* know Jewel?" - Tommy, "No." - Ryan J., "Well, does your friend write her own songs? Because Jewel does." - Tommy

"I can't even AFFORD to say 'Foxwoods'." - Mark, to Zach

"Ever seen a hillbilly get punched in his asshole mouth? Stick around." - Frank, to Zach, regarding a boat driver he was "miffed at" (to say the least)

"Jamie, I'm sorry I turned your bob house picture into a scene of classical Greek mythology via Nintendo." - Zach, to Jamie, "It's not a bob house! It's a boat!" - Jamie, "Oh. Um . . . Jamie, I'm sorry I turned your boat picture into a scene of classical Greek mythology via Nintendo." - Zach, after he took Jamie schematics and turned them into a fight between Medusa and Kid Icarus

"I wonder what instrument is making the clacking noise?" - Zach, to Kate, about a section of "Total Eclipse of the Heart", "I think it's a Jacob's Ladder." - Kate, "Jacob's Ladder?! I love it! Damn, NOW I'm going to have to go to Bonnie Tyler's website, check the F.A.Q., and see if it's really a Jacob's Ladder." - Zach

"The worm virus came from the Navajo blanket!" - Bryan, to Zach, regarding the origin of the bloodthirsty computer virus that stalks Caleb

"Vitamin E? That shit'll put lead in your pencil." - Jason, to Zach, on why he purchased White Rain Shampoo with Passion Flower extract and Vitamin E

"Friend, Bisacle wanted me to call you and let you know that your watch is still stuck in her pubes. . . . her pubes." - Kate, to Zach

"You know, your pan flute is very sassy." - Annoying street musician that stalks me @ the Wallakers, "Thanks?" - Zach

"I was thinking of drawin' up some blueprints." - Dottie, to Zach, "Ok Dot, what do you need me to do?" - Zach, "Gettin' me some blueprintin' paper!" - Dottie, "Oh ok, Dot. You mean graph paper? The kind with the little squares? I'll get you some of that." - Zach, "NO! If I wanted little square paper I woulda said so! I WANT BLUEPRINTIN' PAPER!" - Dottie, angrily, to Zach, "Ok Dot, blueprintin' paper it is." - Zach

"I found a nail and put some gum on the top of it. Do you want it? It's an Iron Rose." - Jamie, to Zach, "Why thank you. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me." - Zach, while he and Jamie secured the Bass Raider to the fence

"That's the angriest pee I've ever had. I don't think you're supposed to pee when you're angry . . . although, I MAY be thinking of driving." - Zach, to Jason & Bunny

"Worms aren't allowed at the amusement park!" - Little Nick, to Link

~~~March 2007~~~

"I'm here to see the Brown Girl and the Tall Guy!" - Wayne, refering to Marlene and Zach, "Wait, which one am I?" - Zach

"I'm fully prepared that at any moment Monique may suddenly stop and scream, 'Everybody: MANI-PEDIS!!!'." - Ryan G., to Zach, on the pot luck insanity that will be Monique's big city birthday Choose-Your-Own-Adventure

"Any news on the Patriots front this last weekend?" - Joyce, to Zach, "Yeah, I heard they traded you to a different fan base. You're an Oakland Raiders fan now. They figured it was more suited to your temperament." - Zach, "I hate you." - Joyce, followed by many mighty blows upon Zach's gentle noggin

"Zach, my boy got this video game. Jamie, what's it called again? Is it 'Iron Heart'?" - Mark, "Um . . . 'Guitar Hero'?" - Jamie, "Yeah! 'Guitar Hero', that's it!" - Mark, "You're an idiot." - Zach, to Mark

"Molly's has such good bread! And bread and bread and BREAD! And you can color on the tables there! And I just like it there." - Monique, to Zach, about a restaurant in Hanover

"Jason, what have you been doing?!" - Sam, "Banging." - Jason

"Oh man! You made a pirate too! You totally copied me!" - Gabe, to Big Nick, during some tense moments of Soul Caliber 3 - obv.

"You know, George Washington never told a lie." - Nanny, "Um, yeah. I'd heard something along those lines." - Zach, "Yeah, Leno mentioned it the other night." - Nanny, " . . . " - Zach

"They say all these Jewish Doctors in Boston are the best at everything. I say, 'Prove it!'." - Nanny, "How, exactly, do you expect them to 'prove it'?" - Zach, "By putting their money where their mouth is!" - Nanny

"I'm gonna order a Diet Coke and I know those bastards are gonna give me a Diet Pepsi." - Nanny, "There's no difference." - Zach, "Come off it! There is too!" - Nanny, "May I get you guys some drinks?" - Waiter at Patrick's, "I want a Diet Coke." - Nanny, "Ma'am, you know we only have Diet Pepsi." - Waiter, who knows Nanny from her WEEKLY visits, "Well, if enough concerned people complain, you'll be forced to change it to Diet Coke!" - Nanny, "Sooo . . . would you like a Diet Pepsi?" - Waiter, "I'll take a Diet Pepsi if I have to, but I want you to know that I'll KNOW it's a Diet Pepsi." - Nanny

"You want to know funny?" - Nanny, "Sure, why not?" - Zach, "Funny is that John Travolta on that motorcycle movie. God that makes me laugh!" - Nanny

"Use real sugar in your iced tea. Sweet & Low sucks." - Nanny

"They need to figure out who Anna Nicole's baby's father is! If it turns out to be that god damned Larry, I'm gonna be bullshit!" - Nanny, to Zach

"I have a really bad pain and it's gonna make me squirt everywhere." - Little Nick, to Zach

"So are you guys gonna go play with the muffs in your bed when you get back?" - Don, to Monique & Zach, " . . . " - Monique & Zach, "Don, I think you mean 'wigs'." - Mom

"Oh God . . . I'm . . . breathing . . . Merrill." - Jamie, to Mark, Matt and Zach, while we ingested toxic debris/dust in ripping down the ancient walls at the Diamond Mines

"Jamie, fix the radio. I want to die to music." - Matt, to Jamie, during even more dangerous deconstruction

"Come closer, I want to throw battery acid in your face." - Mark, to Zach, "Ooooh cool! Then I'll be a Batman villain!" - Zach

"When I get old, will I be forced by law to outfit the back of my sedan with creepy animal bobbleheads?" - Zach, to Little Nick, "You should! Each of those bobbleheads adds 5 horsepower." - Little Nick, "Really?!" - Zach, "Actually . . . more like 10 hp." - Little Nick, "10 hp?! Now that's just ridiculous." - Zach

"Zach, haven't you always wanted to frisbee some cheese to me?" - Jason, to Zach

"That tit didn't taste anything like nature." - Little Nick, to Zach, after a round of him sculpting snow genitalia/body parts while we were shoveling off boats

~~~April 2007~~~

"It seems my mouth is generally full of cat hair." - Beth, to Ryan and Zach

"I was really kind of hoping they were going to bump clams." - Ryan, to Zach, on Sydney & Nadia's climactic zombie fight

"Friend, there's no such thing as a cheese swan." - Kate, to Zach

"Are you harping my flies?" - Jamie, to Zach

"My heart will always belong to Thin Mints but if push comes to shove, I don't think I'll be kicking Thanks-A-Lots out of bed . . . or my mouth. They look both tasty and multicultural. Which are two things i look for in a cookie." - Kate, to Zach, igniting a very long conversation about girl scout cookies

"There's a new kind of girl scout cookie too. Called Sandy Vaginas. But it got recalled. Turns out it was too sandy." - Zach, to Kate, "Just the right amount of vagina though." - Kate, to Zach, "Which can be tricky in the testing process." - Zach, to Kate

"Tagalongs should go by their original name: Hoedowns." - Kate, to Zach, "Me-ouch." - Zach, to Kate, "It's a bit racy." - Kate, to Zach, "Oh those Nappy Headed Hoedowns." - Zach, to Kate

"I only do it until I get to my happy place. When my lips get numb, I know I'm there." - Hayley, to Zach, explaining how she doesn't ever get drunk, she justs drinks to her happy place. Isn't that precious?

~~~May 2007~~~

"I think I'm becoming Zachtose Intolerant." - Jason, to Big Nick and Pat

"The last time I saw legs like those it was on a pool table." - Joe B., to Zach

"D.A., I think you have a future in canine tongue surgery." - Zach, to D.A.

"Is tonight the finale of 'Zelda and the Seven Dwarves'?" - Jason, to Zach

"Those Japanese are smarter'n hell!" - Nanny, to Zach, "O. . .k?" - Zach, "And the funny thing is, sushi really isn't my cup of tea." - Nanny

"I finally caught up with Shrek 2 the other night." - Nanny, to Zach, "I guess I wasn't aware that Shrek 2 had been eluding you." - Zach, "Well, whatever, but did you know that Eddie Murphy does the voice of the Donkey?" - Nanny, "Yes." - Zach, "Well, let me be the first to tell you: Eddie Murphy as the Donkey is probably one of the funniest g.d. things I ever saw!" - Nanny

"Did you hear about that girl who got raped?" - Nanny, to Zach, "Um, no." - Zach, "Yup. She sure did. Because of the internet. And THAT'S why I don't want you using the MySpace!" - Nanny

"Brett Sommers, you need to Sober Up and Shut it Down!" - Ryan G., to Zach & Monique, on his advise to Brett Sommers on how to deal with her non-sexual soulmate (Charles Nelson Reilly)'s untimely death on Memorial Day

"Zach! Zach! It's beginning!" - Little Nick, to Zach "What's beginning?" - Zach, "The TRANSFORMATION!" - Little Nick, shoving out the underside of his left wrist for me to view, where I see a blotchy red mark, "Turning into a Wolf Spider?" - Zach, [thinks about it]" . . . probably!" - Little Nick

"Why is it that elderly people can read, write, speak, fiberglass their rudders, and play professional card games, but when it comes to opening a plastic bag they fall apart?" - Little Nick, to Zach

~~~June 2007~~~

"Evie doesn't know what she's talking about. She's drunk." - Monique, to the group, making light of Evie's shriek to the neighboring table during Don's birthday at the Hilton in Portsmouth. But what she was REALLY making light of was the fact that Evie had moments before swooped in and sipped some of Monique's "water", which was, in fact, vodka.

"This cake is orgasmic!" - Don, to the group, about his birthday cake, "Don! My child is sitting right here!" - My Mom, to Don, "It really IS orgasmic!" - Monique, to the group, in agreement with Don, "Monique! My child is STILL sitting right here!" - My Mom, to Monique

"Oh, I thought it said 'Whi-zeggy'." - Monique, to Zach, in all seriousness, after seeing the license plate, "WISGY" and hearing Zach pronounce it, "Wiseguy"

"Did you order beef curtains on your sub?" - Bisa, to Zach, "Um . . . yes." - Zach, "Hmmmm, this turkey looks a little light to be beef curtains. I think it must be from an albino." - Kate, to Zach and Bisa, "Oh grand. This will result in me quoting you two combining your two favorite subjects: food and genitals." - Zach, to Kate and Bisa

"We put a hose between Matt's legs, and then I blew water out his ass from behind him and it ejaculated all over Jamie." - Little Nick, to Zach, on how they passed the time bailing/siphoning out boats during the apocolyptic hailstorm of '07

"I'm not ever going to Florida again. It's a giant swamp and it gave me Malaria." - Jason, to Big Nick, Pat, A-Tron, & Zach

"I was at the coffee bar today and heard James Francis' pot dealers talking about him." - Pat, to Jason & Zach, "How do you know it was James Francis they were talking about?" - Zach, to Pat, "Because they kept saying, 'James Francis'." - Pat, "Yup. That'll do it." - Zach

"Do I just exude 'the Clap'?" - Jason, to Big Nick, Zach, Pat, and A-Tron, wondering aloud why several jokes implying he has said "Clap", have been made in the last 24 hours.

"I'm going to go work on my British accent now. It's probably the easiest way for me to get smarter." - Little Nick, to Zach

"Nathan, you still haven't told me your favorite book of the bible." - Zach, to Nathan, with Little Nick watching, "Ooh! Ooh! I know mine! Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire!" - Little Nick

"I hate eating sperm." - Matt B., to Zach, after Zach wondered aloud how much pollen must be floating around in our bodies

"First of all, penises can't break. There's no bone in them." - Zach, to Little Nick, "Actually, they can! I saw it on The Tyra Banks Show!" - Little Nick, "No you didn't!" - Zach, "Yes. I. Did. She said it pops and then it makes a noise when it happens." - Little Nick, "I'm done with this conversation." - Zach

"I'll show YOU my string quartet!" - Drunk Jason, to Drunk Nick

"Two rim jobs count as your gay." - Drunker Jason, to Drunker Nick

"I was a nude model once. So I know what it's like. Suddenly the artist hands you a 40 oz. bottle, tells you to stick it in your cooter and then says, 'It's a metaphor!'." - Beth, to Zach, Monique, and Rick

"Where's Nick?" - Pat & A-Tron, to Zach, outside the Barley Pub, "He decided to stay home and try to beat the Big Boss." - Zach, regarding Nick's video game, "I think Globalization has actually killed the Big Boss. Now it's mostly just a bunch of South Koreans." - Pat

"You know what I am? I am the Miss Havisham of your life!" - Annie, to Zach

"I can't sit down or my balls will come out." - Matt B., to Zach, Little Nick, and Joyce, regarding his risque work shorts after he ripped them

"I sorry." - Zach, to Brad, over IM, because he forgot to call him back, "Your face is gonna be sorry! Now pardon me while I put my mini-tacos in the oven, which you are allowed . . . none." - Brad

"Well, well, if it isn't The Great Gatsby, distancing himself from the party and talking on his phone." - Jason, to Zach, "Don't you mean 'The Great Zachsby'?" - Zach, "Fuck! If you just gave me two more seconds, I would have had that all on my own! Dammit!" - Jason

"If you were wearing the scent of thyme, I'd at least . . . well, I'd at least come over and rub up against you." - Brian H., to Zach, regarding the Crocodile Insect Repellant

"Zach, don't give up on the womb!" - Brian H., to Zach

"Brian, I just want to thank you for bringing back, 'touch hole'." - Don, to Brian, happy that someone other than he uses the term, "touch hole".

"Your Mom's all Coco Bandicoot in the front seat right now, throwing banana peels out the window." - Monique, to Zach, on the way to New Jersey

"When I get up in the morning, I'm gonna get my scraple on!" - Kyle, to Brooke, Monique, and Zach

"That's sacreligious!" - Monique, to Zach

"My personality quirk is that whenever people tell me life-altering events or any sort of big news, I jump backward and fall on the ground." - Brooke, sarcastically, to Monique, Zach, and Jimbo, referencing her falling backward the night before after Peter announced that he was going to be a father again

~~~July 2007~~~

"A dream is a wish your heart makes . . . unless you're Zach!" - Andrew, to Matt, Evan, Peter, and Zach

"Bippity, boppity . . . DELETE!" - Andrew, to Evan, Matt, Peter and Zach

"Good morning, Lake Waukewan!" - Grandma Jacobson, greeting the view first thing in the morning, "Good morning, Betsy!" - Andrew, bellowing from the background, playing the part of Lake Waukewan

"I have a sack." - Kate, to Zach, about the keys in her pocket that she arranged to look like testicles

"You know, I almost feel bad about eating a York Peppermint Patty before coming to Dos Amigos, but . . . I don't." - Kate, to Zach

"What do we do at Dos Amigos if we're Vegan?!" - Shan-Y, "Kid . . . just eat the fucking corn!" - Zach, to Shan-Y

"The dragonfruit flavor is my favorite Vitamin Water flavor." - Zach, to Shan-Y, "Friend, dragons don't lay fruits." - Shan-Y, to Zach

"If there's a Floating Island in that bag then we're going to Fratello's!" - Ryan G., to Zach

"It was more ecto and less cooler." - Ryan G., to Zach & Monique, concerning the new Miller Lite Chelada beer

"Those are some serious O.S.P.'s." - Zach, on the fireworks, "They are. They really are serious O.S.P.'s." - Tom

"This shirt is too long. It hides my muscles." - Dominic, to Zach, on the new Diamond Mines shirts

"If I was as pregnant as that woman, I'd put on a dress and walk around with a boner and then no one could see it!" - Little Nick, to Zach

"What's bacon?" - Dominic, to Zach, "I'm sorry, 'What's bacon?'" - Zach, to Dom, "Yeah." - Dom, "Well . . . it's greasy, pork strips that . . ." - Zach, " . . . I know, I know, but how do they put it on a sandwich?" - Dom, "Well . . . I guess they put it on . . . gently? What the fuck are you talking about?!" - Zach, "Do they cook the whole sandwich?" - Dom, "Dom, do you know what a BLT is?" - Zach, "Yes." - Dom, "Well, this is just like a BLT, but without the L or the T." - Zach, "Oh. Well . . . I guess." - Dom

"If there's not a surprise inside, I'm gonna crack somebody's jack!" - Zach, to Little Nick, about his apparent lack of surprise in his box of Cracker Jacks, "Well I'LL jack somebody's crack!" - Little Nick, to Zach, "Ohhhhhh, that's WAY worse." - Zach

"Friend, look, that girl is dressed as Professor Trelawney!" - Hayley, to Zach, during the midnight screening of Harry Potter 5, "Friend, that girl over there is dressed as Cho Chang!" - Zach, to Hayley, about an Asian girl 2 rows away, "Friend. I don't think she can help it." - Hayley, dissaprovingly

"It's like Final Destination - for feet!" - Dom, to Zach and Little Nick, when he finds out about the woman whose feet were severed on a Six Flags ride,

"You look like a Bear, but you act like a Twink." - TC, to Zach, after he, Jackie, Monique, and Zach disected the different sub-genres of gay culture over dinner. You know, as usual.

"I think we have a serious health hazard!" - Zach, to Monique, after his shorts were swept off by a wave at the ocean

"If both of the Cheen-Dogs occupy the bathrooms at the same time, it will no doubt destroy our entire eco-system." - Zach, to Little Nick and Mark

"Haven't you ever heard of J.D. Salinger? He's New Hampshire's most famous recluse!" - Zach, to Dom, "Oh, it's like that episode of, 'Hey Arnold!', right?" - Dom, to Zach, " . . . " - Zach

"Do you need to use the bathroom?" - Jason, to Zach, "No. You can." - Zach, "Oh good. I need to wash the brain bits off of me." - Jason, to Zach, regarding the slaughtered woodchuck grey matter all over his person

"Jason, were you aware that a Sudanese Warlord was previously stalking your sister?" - Zach, "Yes." - Jason, "Oh . . . ok then. Just checking." - Zach

~~~August 2007~~~

"Please tell Monique that this whole 'Zach smoked a cigarette with you' thing is a totally made up story." - Zach, to Jason's Mom, in Monique's presence, "Not only is it TRUE, but you pulled the cigarette right out of my mouth and started smoking it!" - Jason's Mom, to Zach and Monique, "Hmmmm, this didn't conclude the way I was planning." - Zach

"Look how soft the meats are!" - Monique, to Zach, on the dance floor at Rachelle's wedding

"Broad girls shouldn't wear tight clothes." - Nanny, to Zach & Monique at Patrick's, refering to a hostess with questionable sizing of her clothing

"We used to call some geek in elementary school, 'Eddie Spaghetti with the Meatball Eyes'!" - Ben P., to Zach, Monique, and family, "And now he's Senator Meatball Eyes." - Zach

"You should have seen me mowing the lawn earlier! There were a ton of bees! They were swarming! I grabbed a piece off the fence - now it's my Excalibur - and I started whapping the bees! First it was like seven of them . . . then *BAP*! HOME RUN KING!!" - Little Nick, to Zach

"We had a staple jam while you were gone, but I got it out." - Dominic, to Zach, "A staple jam?" - Zach, "Yeah. A Class 2 Staple Jam." - Dom

"If you have Mr. Mime at high levels and you give him rare candies . . . he OWNS!!!" - Dominic, to Zach

"Nick is a tainted berry." - Dom, to Zach

"We're going to have a real nice and get lots of things tethered and get caught on some Mickey Rooneys." - Monique, to Zach

"Joyce, do you think Tourettes can slowly develop over time, or do you just get it all at once?" - Zach, "I think it can develop over time." - Joyce, "Oh good. I think that's what's happening to me then. It can be my new goal. Everyone needs something to shoot for." - Zach

"Being a single father is difficult! You can't just go off on your own and abandon all your responsibilities!" - Zach, to Monique, concerning "Joanie" a.k.a. - the cooler/tire tube/tethered contraption he was in charge of whilst they tubed down White River

"I can't wait to have some of Nick's Monster when he gets back." - Jamie, to Zach, unintentionally sounding dirty regarding his hopes to share Nick's Monster brand energy drink when Nick got back from Dunkin' Donuts

"I don't want you two initiating another round of drunken battle chess. I'll come down here at 2 in the morning and find Jason with scratches and cuts all over his face and Pat, passed out, with half a Queen in his mouth." - Zach, to Jason and Pat, "As a favor to me, please don't ever quote that last part out of context." - Pat, to Zach

~~~September 2007~~~

"RASPBERRY WALKIN'!" - Ryan G. & Zach, various times over Labor Day (a.k.a. - "Lay-Bidet") Weekend, at Monique, whilst in NYC

"Mama needs a drink!" - Monique, to Brad, starting off a long tradition of calling herself, "Mama" for no particular reason, but usually in times of duress

"Excuuuuuse Me!!!" - Ryan G., to Monique, for lack of anything else to say, when he saw a wooly caterpillar descending down on her @ The Read. This would set off a domino effect of unpleasantness.

"My wife is totally queer for hammers!" - Customer, to Zach, after seeing some discount hammers and buying several

"You look really sweaty." - Zach, to Dominic, "You look like Billy Blanks waking up from bed." - Little Nick, to Dom, "I'll probably just go to the wedding as Billy Blanks then." - Dom, regarding Liz's wedding later in the day

"I don't like seeing that dog walking up and down stairs. It's unnatural - like a horse wearing a pair of pants." - Zach, to Monique, regarding Shadow

"Nobody lives in Concord! You go to Concord if you need a shirt!" - Ryan G., to Zach

~~~October 2007~~~

"Jimbo, just give me the room key and I'll go to our room so I can sleep." - Zach, drunkenly, to Jimbo, at the Plymouth Red Roof Inn, while the party raged on post-Brooke & Kyle's reception, "This IS our room." - Jimbo, "Fuck." - Zach

"I need to stop the washing machine until we get back from Kate's so I can make sure I'm here in time to add the Snuggle." - Jamie, to Zach, " . . . " - Zach, "What?! It's fabric softener! You know, 'Snuggle'?" - Jamie, as he offers up the Family Size bottle of Snuggle for Zach to see, " . . . " - Zach

"I get paid on Friday, so my hurricane will blow on Saturday." - Ryan G., to Zach, explaining when he gets to go see the movie "Elizabeth 2: The Hurricane Follies"

"I think you should keep a foot diary." - Zach, to Monique, about her foot pain, after she had suggesed keeping a food diary for his stomach pain

"Jamie, you should totally get a 2nd job at LaFesta! Then, with A-Tron at Smiley's, Pat at Kelly's, and you at LaFesta, I shall rule over all of downtown Dover!" - Zach, "And I can get a 2nd job at Wendy's!" - Little Nick, "Um . . . no. We don't need that." - Jamie, "But . . . it's the best I can do!" - Little Nick, softly and resignedly

"November 1st is important because that's the day we find out if the baby is an 'Al-Y' or a 'Boy-Y'!" - Aly, to Zach

"When I first met Monique I think she was really scared of me, but the truth was, I was even more scared of her!" - Little Nick, "I think you're thinking of bears." - Zach

"D.A., what did I tell you about keeping your spare turkeys in the woods?!" - Zach, to D.A.

"Daisuke Matsuzaka has developed a new pitch for tonight's game 3 vs. the Indians. He calls it "The Smallpox infected blanket". - Justin's Away Message

"I hear your pal Dusseldorf's a Lefty!" - Mark, to Zach, regarding Dumbledore

"Do you remember the Laconia Bicentennial Theme Song that K-Slopp choir-sang at Opechee? It was called 'Together for Tomorrow'. . . now that really was a gem." - Bryan, to Zach

"Major League Baseball promised me tacos and then Major League Baseball took my tacos away!" - Zach

"Jacoby Bellsbury" - Boston Globe headline, after Jacoby Ellsbury stole a base during the World Series Game 2, thus ensuring all of America a free taco.

"Someone better let Boston know they need to be careful in Denver." - Nanny, to Zach, "Why?" - Zach, "Because the air is all together different." - Nanny, "I'll try to get word to the team." - Zach

"I found the perfect chaser to Jose Cuervo." - Little Nick, to Zach, "Vomit?" - Zach, "Chocolate Teddy Grahams!" - Little Nick, "Close enough." - Zach

"Lady Baltimore, why do you do everything wrong?" - Monique, to Zach

"I can't wait for 'Dancing With The Stars' tonight!" - Nanny, to Zach, "More like, 'Stupid With The Stars'." - Zach, "Hey! Don't be like that! They work very hard to learn those dances!" - Nanny, "Yeah, when they're not busy being Mormon and fainting!" - Zach, referring to Marie Osmond, "Come off it! Marie has aged very gracefully! But . . . you know . . . she really does have to get that fainting thing under control. Oh yeah - and she's Mormon too. That can be tricky." - Nanny, (though I'm not entirely sure if ratcheting down one's fainting spells or simply being Mormon is what Nanny considers, "tricky". Perhaps both.)

"I don't believe in condoms." - Jamie, "And that's why you'll be getting so many surprise presents at Father's Day next year!" - Zach

"A native of Concord, Bombaci spent his youth exploring New Hampshire's mountains, rivers and rocky streams." - Foster's Showcase article on Jason's gallery opening thingy. [It is a great source of humor to myself, all those around me, the birds in the sky and all of God's creatures. The "rocky streams" part in particular gets me good.]

~~~November 2007~~~

"Jason, I'm not a rocky stream! Don't explore me!" - Zach, to Jason, who suddenly appeared on the scene in Pat's room

"Who did you go to the gym with?" - Gabe, to Zach, "Nick and Jamie. That's right Gabe, they're my 'partners'. Gym and otherwise." - Zach

"Oops. I'm going in the wrong direction. My bad. I was in 'Easter Egg' gear." - Zach, to Beth, about the mysterious easter egg looking symbol between neutral and drive on the work van

"They told me not to step in the sticky. And then I stepped in the sticky." - Monique, to Zach, about her mishap involving fresh tar @ Dartmouth

"My lips taste like candy canes and now I can't stop eating them." - Zach, due to his peppermint chap stick

"No Milk. No eggs." - Jeff, in a Barry White-esque baritone, quoting a line from the literary classic, Click, Clack, Moo

"I'm sorry, did you just say, 'Twatburgler'?" - Zach, to Jeff, "No, I said, 'Twatburger'. Damn, I wish I had said 'Twatburgler'. That's funnier." - Jeff

"Imagine if . . . Miss Bean and Miss Cochrane had a kid." - Jeff, to the crowd, while playing the game 'Imagine If . . .', "That kid would have a lot of shirts with house prints." - Zach

"If I was a porcupine, I'd quill you." - TC, to Monique

"Look, a good coupon is a good coupon." - Peter, to Monique, TC, Jackie and Zach during Trivial Pursuit

"This is a nickel. What's ticking?!" - Monique, to Zach, TC, and Peter, during Battle of the Sexes

"Sorry Zach, but I just had to put a nickel in your coin slot." - Jackie, to Zach, after she "deposited" a nickel in my plumber's crack, "As long as I don't find any Sacajawea's in there . . ." - Zach

"In hockey, what is 'ragging' also known as?" - Zach, to Jackie and Monique, during Battle of the Sexes, "That's when the goalie is having his period." - Monique

"What's taking the bagels so long?" - Zach, to Monique, @ Dunkin' Donuts, "Heaven knows!" - Monique, regarding the clerk named Heaven who took our orders

"I could really go for another Yard Sale." - Jackie, to Monique, TC and Zach, "I need another good cry." - TC, all in reference to a young girl who took an A+ digger/digga hiking up a trail in the White Mountains and the subsequent hilarity it caused for us

"That's the luckiest hobo ever! He's in the Billie Jean video!" - Little Nick, to Zach

"I feel guilty listening to the OnStar conversations they play on the radio. I feel like I'm eavesdropping." - Zach

"Can we get through ONE three-way that doesn't involve you two eating babies?" - Zach, to Ryan G. & Monique, during an online chat

"How come I don't get a spider guardian?!" - Little Nick, to Zach, after finding out that I, apparently, have a spider guardian guarding my room

"Why do you need all those pennies?" - Zach, to Jamie,"I'm setting a trap." - Jamie

"I like measuring things." - A-Tron, to Pat & Zach

"You're picking up Nanny for Thanksgiving this year. I called it." - Zach, to Conner, "Too late, because I called it last year that you had to pick Nanny up this year." - Conner, "I find that hard and difficult and hard to believe." - Zach, "Well, it's the Truth." - Conner, "Paul Pierce has nothing to do with this." - Zach, "Zach . . . Paul Pierce has everything to do with this." - Conner, all via text message

"Oh my gosh, it's like I went home, fell asleep, then got up and came back to Dunkin' Donuts and your menu was totally new and different!" - Zach, to Dunkin' Donuts employee, "It really is like that sir." - Dunkin' Donuts employee

"Two things you don't do in life: Never hit a woman and never wipe your ass with a broken bottle." - James Francis, to Zach, "I will . . . keep that in mind Jim." - Zach

"Zach, are you a Mega Master?" - A-Tron, to Zach, whilst he was playing Photo Hunt, "Kind of I am." - Zach, "Wow." - A-Tron

"Well, you've fucked me again Chug Monkey. You've fucked me again." - Zach

"Hey Scarfy, I think I'm going to go home. It's fucking freezing out." - Zach, to Pat, who was wearing a scarf, "No problem, Hatty." - Pat, to Zach, who was wearing a hat, "'Hatty'? Really? Is that the best you could do? Wow Pat, you're really on top of your game tonight." - Zach

"These pringles taste like barbeque . . . only stupider." - Monique, to Zach, on her Pizzalicious Pringles

"Nick, it's a banana. It doesn't have a kickstand." - Zach, to Little Nick, watching him try to unsuccessfully balance his banana on the table

"Kermit is having a nice with Paula Dean, and I wish I was having a nice with Kermit!" - Monique, to Zach

"Who are these hosts?" - Zach, to Monique, on the Thanksgiving Day Parade Hosts, "Oh, Meredith grew up and gave it to these shitbugers." - Monique, refering to Meredith Viera (I can only assume)

"Ohhh! Do you smell that?! Do you smell it?!" - Monique, to Zach, walking in from outside to my Mom's house on Thanksgiving morning, "Is it you?" - Zach, "No, it's not ME! It's Thanksgiving!" - Monique

"Samantha, pull your dress down! Your Tinkerbells are showing!" - Ashleigh, to Samantha, refering to exposing her Tinkerbell underwear, "Conner, you had the same problem at a party last weekend, didn't you?" - Zach, to Conner

"It's too morningy out here." - Ryan G., to Zach, on the way to Dunkin' Donuts

"Look, they're having a Craft Fair at O." - Zach, to Ryan G., pointing out the new restaurant/resort, "O", in Lakeport, "Ooooh! So that's where it is!" - Ryan, "Yup." - Zach, "I thought Charlie O's was somewhere different!" - Ryan, "No Charlie. Just O." - Zach, "But . . . I can picture it! Charlie O's! On a big green sign!" - Ryan, "I'm afraid none of that is true." - Zach

"When something has Three Cheeses it pretty much helps make up for whatever else is disgusting in the rest of it." - Little Nick, to Zach

"Hold on a sec, I need to brush my butt pirate." - Monique, to Zach

"If you eat forceful amounts of cinnamon, it can actually cure arthritis and inflammatory disease." - Little Nick, to Jamie, Pat and Zach

"That guy's on national television with a patch!" - Little Nick, to Zach, on a Cleveland Cavalier who cut himself playing the Celtics

"She's as big as Nantucket! There's a dirty joke in there somewhere but I don't go there anymore because I have to be responsible now." - Fred, on Ellen's pregnancy size, to Zach

~~~December 2007~~~

"Damn you stock footage!" - Justin, to Zach, regarding WMUR Channel 9 using stock footage of road flares instead of the Diamond Mines road flares that the hostage taker actually used, "Um . . . yeah!" - Zach, "Are you gonna quote that?" - Justin, "Um . . . I don't know how to spell it." - Zach, "You don't know how to spell 'Stock Footage'?" - Justin, "Ooohhh. I thought you said, 'Scott Pudding'! 'Stock Footage' makes way more sense." - Zach

"How can someone like the word 'cunt' and not 'twat'?! Not only are they in the same sorority, they're fucking roommates!!" - Justin, to Zach, "And 'Cunt' is the SENIOR!" - Zach

"I love it when Debutantes go to IHOP." - Pat, to Zach and Justin

"Please don't give birth on my front counter." - Zach, to Little Nick, regarding him opening his messy sub on the counter, "Ohhhhh! Do you want to split the after-birth?" - Jamie, to Little Nick

"Ricky, can you help Jamie and me moving some boats?" - Zach, to Ricky, "Don't worry, they're not that heavy, just an awkward position." - Jamie, to Ricky, "Just like Ricky's girlfriend: 'not that heavy', but 'an awkward position'." - Zach, to Ricky & Jamie

"I want to have a car that does jumps." - Little Nick, to Zach, on wanting to own an actual vehicle to make jumps on the streets around Dover

"It seems my pinecone dreams have been dashed." - Kate, to Little Nick and Zach

"Get off me! You're gonna break my sticks!" - Monique's Aunt Celeste, when someone jujped on her lap during Yankee Swap

"Somebody call the Pittsfield Cop!" - Ben P., to Monique & Zach during an "extreme situation" while stacking wood

"It's seasonal." - Ryan G., on almost every menu item, drink, etc. at Catus Jack's & at O

"Brian, what the hell?!" - Ryan G., yelling to/at some Brian person my mother allegedly knew at Cactus Jacks

"That looks like after-birth!" - Mom, regarding Brad's dessert @ Cactus Jacks. Everyone was expectedly grossed out

"Who is that white guy that Morgan Freeman is always talking to?" - Nanny, "Um . . . Jack Nicholson?" - Zach, "Don't be stupid!" - Nanny

"Why does everyone think everything I say is dreaming?!" - Brad, to Zach, after several different people thought things Brad said the night before must have been part of a dream

"Merry Christmas everyone!" - Patti Labelle, on tv during the Christmas parade, "You too, Aretha!" - Mom, "MOM! That's not Aretha, it's Patti Labelle!" - Zach, "Oh whatever, it's Christmas!" - Mom

"I want a refund on our friendship, which is dead in my book." - T.C., to Zach, in response to Zach's "soft, sell-out" Christmas e-mail

"Oh don't touch that one, that's my 'rag bag'!" - Aunt Suzy, to Zach, as he was attempting to help her unload Christmas things into the house, "Wha-huh? What's a 'rag bag'?" - Zach, "See?! It's my 'rag bag'! Merry Christmas!" - Aunt Suzy, as she pulls tampons out of the bag to Zach's holiday horror

"Conner, are you the only sober one here?" - Mom, "Wellll . . . I AM drunk on Christmas joy." - Conner

"I'm not saying, 'Who can drive us?' I'm saying, 'WHO can DRIVE us?'" - Mom, to Sabby and Suzy

"You mean you don't use a loofah? I do. That's why I can not use deodorant and still not smell!" - Little Nick, to Zach

"If God gives me the chance, I swear I'll get revenge on that scumbag, Boobie!" - A man, at the Farmington liquor store, yelling into his cell phone. Apparently, a scumbag - by the name of "Boobie" - had wronged him

"Do you like Paula Deen?" - Woman at Dover Rite-Aid, to her friend, "Well, I don't see as I have any choice, do I?" - Woman's Friend

"My fantasy is Fat Roker." - Rich, to Zach

"Vrabel, Vrabel, Vrabel, I made you out of clay!" - Rich, to Zach, in pseudo-Jewish delirium, about Mike Vrabel, as the Pats cement their perfect 16-0 season

"I thought you said you were aiming for Mary Tyler Moore with your new haircut . . . but that seems a little more Morey Amsterdam." - Zach, to Monique

"Oh no, I got in wrong leg first. I . . . I gotta get out and start again." - Rick, to Zach & Monique

"Mother Goose & Grimm comes up with a gem now and again." - Rick, to Zach & Monique

"Just call it a bottle of Boisvert." - Monique, to Zach

"We're stepping it for sweeps week!" -Rick, appropriating 20 Q's lingo, to Zach & Monique

"Orly Airport! We had a full stop because of those shitbricks!" - Monique, about the shitty CT drivers, to Zach & Rick

"Even the hot dogs are broken." - Zach, to Ryan, Tom, Rick, and Monique, expressing sadness over the free hot dogs not being available, after multiple photo booths, skee-ball machines, and jukeboxes were malfunctioning

"Get your cunts together, you bitches!" - Monique, to Ryan, Tom, Rick, and Zach

"Those girls over there were all up in my shit and asking for an autograph." - Crazy Man who we named Boris Yeltsin at a bar in Brooklyn, "Well, are you famous?" - Rick, "Don't matter." - "Boris Yeltsin", who then when on to buy 3 cigarettes from Rick for a dollar

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