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Quotes: Vol. 4

2008-03-11 - 7:08 p.m.

January 2008 - ???

~~~January 2008~~~

"Having a gaping vagina, as you do, and being filled with sand is why it gets so cold." - Rick, to Zach

"I need a tampon!" - Monique, "I need a burger!" - Rick, "I need a tampon burger!" - Zach

"That man needs a lesson in listening." - Rick, to Ryan, Monique & Zach, as we sat and had a picnic on Ryan's kitchen floor at 4 in the morning, about the man at the deli getting his sub wrong

"The lady inside gave us two options. She said we could stay here and find lodging . . . or we could take the Eggspress Lane." - Zach, setting up a McDonald's joke during a time of snow/ice bound crisis in East Windsor, CT, to Rick & Monique

"It is like 'Seven Brides for Seven Brothers' here, without the brides or the dancing." - Matt F., to Zach, regarding his snowy, mountainous, Afghan environment

"You LOVE the talking nacho dish." - Jason B., to Zach, at Blue Latitudes

"Gloria Steinem wrote an article the other day about why men hate bitches." - Pat, to Zach, Nick, Jason, and A-Tron

"I need to eat more spinach because I've been really cold lately." - Pat, to the table at Blue Latitudes, "Come on, now you have to understand I'm going to make fun of that." - Zach

"Batton down the hatches! I got another Bingo!" - Ryan G., texting Zach, about his Bingo on Facebook's Scrabulous, "Consider these hatches battoned!" - Zach

~~~February 2008~~~

"It's a melee!" - Monique, to Zach, outside a windswept Cabot Cheese Outlet in Quechee, VT, after we found both the wooden cow and the stuffed, handicapped moose down.

"You know, I don't think we can be friends anymore." - Zach, sounding serious, but definitely kidding, to Rick, because he still hadn't watched LOST yet, "You know what? I can accept that. We had a good run." - Rick, "Oh. How . . . unexpected." - Zach

"I knew Sayid wouldn't make me regret making him an honorary Bristow!" - Zach, "Huh?" - Ricky D., "Nevermind. You wouldn't get it. It's between me and my Sayid." - Zach, during Lost v. 4.3 - aka, that ep when LOST morphed into Alias

"Stripers, when they have their druthers, prefer cooler waters." - Narration from a fishing DVD at work that I find hilarious and like to play on repeat ad naseum

"Oh sorry, I was knee deep in the hoopla and couldn't respond quick enough." - Kate, texting Zach, using Starship lingo, to explain why it was taking her so long to play the Bette Davis Eyes game. No, we don't make any sense at all.

"Please tell me Monique that it was just some farts, not sharts, so everything should be ok." - Brad, texting Zach, with a gastro-intestinal update

"I'm afraid that I may have played the grape card too early." - Kate, to anyone listening, about devouring her grapes faster than planned during Lost Party v. 4.4

"Um, did you know that there's a naked lady on your wall?" - Jenna, to Zach, at a Lost Party, "Yeah. That's Jason's. He was always up to those kind of naked lady hi-jinx." - Zach

"Have you ever heard the word, 'Floridian' before?" - Little Nick, to Zach, "Yes." - Zach, "What's it mean?" - Little Nick, "Somebody from Florida." - Zach, "Awww, I was hoping it was a word that I just made up." - Little Nick

"Did you see that picture online?" - Brad, "No, it wouldn't load." - Zach, "Your face won't load." - Brad

~~~March 2008~~~

"I want to get the new Bible! No one will buy it for me! And I really want it!" - Nanny, to Mom and Zach, "Mom, not much new has happened for updates for the Bible." - Mom, to Nanny, "Now you listen! I've already been told by people that the new ones are better because they change a few things around and make them more right!" - Nanny, "So does Jonah get swallowed by a dinosaur instead in this version?!" - Zach, incredulously, to Nanny, "Hey! How am I supposed to know?! No one will buy me the new Bible!" - Nanny, "I'm going to start to cry if we don't go grocery shopping soon." - Zach, uttering a plea he'd soon regret

"Go get some whipped cream. Just the Hannaford brand, but don't let anybody see!" - Nanny, to Zach, grocery shopping, and apparently thinking people watch to note if she's buying the expensive brand. Which was followed an hour later by me pouring a gallon of Hannaford brand bleach between two smaller, empty bottles of Clorox. Apparently, in case people cased Nanny's house curious about whether she used Clorox bleach or the store brand. Well, she's tricked them, now hasn't she!

"I wish I didn't have to get cream for my legs." - Nanny, loudly, to Zach, grocery shopping, "Me too. Me too." - Zach

"GMA says Cape Cod chips are the tops and the rest can take a HIKE! And I agree!" - Nanny, to Zach, grocery shopping, "Nanny, that seems a little harsh." - Zach, "Because it's the truth!" - Nanny

"Oh jeeze, here comes the Cuckoo Man!" - Nanny, whispering to Zach, at the grocery store, while discreetly motioning to a mentally disturbed older gentleman, "I see." - Zach, "I guess he's pretty cuckoo!" - Nanny, "Yeah, well his name pretty much gives him away." -Zach, "Oh don't be a damned fool! That's not his REAL name!" - Nanny

"That Jamie Lynn is one hell of a mixed-up mash-up! I'd like to sit her down and fix her wagon!" - Nanny, to Zach, "I honestly couldn't have said it better myself." - Zach

"I have an NFL-sized hunger right now." - Zach, to Kate, "Like maybe you need some Campbell's Chunky Soup-sized hunger?" - Kate, "No. Two bags of pork rinds-sized hunger. But that was a logical guess on your part. Also? Ew. Rinds." - Zach

"Tell Bryan he's going to have to come up with something other than curry! I'm doing all browns now. Brown bread, brown rice, brown, brown, brown! But curry's just not gonna cut it. He needs to come up with something different." - Nanny, to Zach, on the phone. Zach relays the message instantly to Bryan, who's sitting across from him. Expectedly, this is all news to Bryan, who has never talked with Nanny about curry, curry substitutes, or any othe curry related hi-jinx.

"You better go ahead back to work, I have to use the bathroom." - Dad, to Zach, at lunch, "Ok." - Zach, "No, I mean, I REALLY have to use the bathroom." - Dad, "I SAID 'ok'! Lord, I'm going." - Zach, "I mean . . . I don't have to go #1." - Dad, "For God's sake Dad, I GET IT. JUST GO!" - Zach

"Did I ever tell you that I got my penis caught in the dumpster the other day?" - Little Nick, to Zach, "May I offer you a tip?" - Zach, "Sure." - Little Nick, "I think you should start keeping your pants zipped up." - Zach, "Oh. Well. What I need is an actual tip. Mine got cut off by the dumpster." - Little Nick

"Mom, did you know that your mother is a pirate?" - Zach, to Mom, regarding Nanny's unexpected admission that she can't see out of her right eye

"Me, my mother - we're salt people." - Mom, to anyone who was listening at the table, "I hope they stay out of the rain!" - Zach, to Conner

"Belt, thank you for staying with me all week!" - Monique, to her belt, in a shameful charade

"You know the rule about bringing in laundry baskests to people's houses on their birthdays!" - Monique, to Zach

"Ricky, put your hat on!" - Ryan & Monique, to Rick, while approaching the border, in an attempt to make us look more "professional"

"Do you want me to leave?" - Richard, the owner of the Bed & Breakfast

"If there is anything amiss in my rooms? I will sniff it out!" - Richard, to his gaggle of Ugly Americans

"LESBIANS . . . I love 'em!" - Ryan, in a last minute save when we (Rick, Monique, Ryan, and Zach) found ourselves in Le Drugstore, Montreal's lesbian oasis

"I told your crazy friend that it's cheaper to get this Belle Gueule by the pitcher and not by the glass but he ordered it seperately anyway." - Bartender @ Le Drugstore, to Zach, refering to Ryan, "Yeah, he's pretty crazy like that." - Zach

"Mahton's Caht!" - Ryan, annoucing in an extremely thick (and loud) New England accent, "Morten's Court", whenever Rick had the air hockey puck in his posession @ Le Drugstore

"These aren't your average run-of-the-mill lesbians. These are some vicious bull dykes!" - Zach, "And that one over there looks just like Joe Head!" - Rick, whispering, to the group

"Those Bad Larrys are unscrewing the bolts and hinges! I just know it!" - Zach, refering to some wayward monkeys on the ceiling pipes at the Biodome in Montreal

"I really don't think you want to put that Roofie in my beer!" - Zach, giving voice to the Gay Biker Flag in Montreal

"Hey baby, you wanna buy a towel from me?" - Dancer at the Strip Club in Montreal, to Ryan, suggesting a lap dance "Oh, ah, no. I'm a homosexual." - Ryan, "Prove it!" - Dancer, "Prove it?! How do I prove it?!" - Ryan, "Kiss him!" - Dancer, pointing to Zach, "I can't. He's not a homosexual." - Ryan, "Oh. Well, then would you like to buy a towel from me, honey?" - Dancer, to Zach

"I think your Horton is going to hear a Who!" - Ryan, to Monique, after a little too much Muslix

"Why is everything we try to find in Montreal inevitably underneath whatever surface we're on?" - Zach, to the group after both the Underground Mall and the entrance to an art museum were hidden under their feet

"Oh fantastic! Richard came in here to talk to us and he sees a condom sticking out of an Easter Egg, a cock ring on the table, and a package of lube on the bed! What sort of tomfoolery is he going to think we're up to?!" - Zach, to Monique, Rick, and Ryan, (incidentally, all three had a perfectly good, if not ridiculous, explanation), "He's definitely seen worse and he was BOUND to sniff it out eventually." - Monique

"I got drunk at the beach one time and passed out in the sand. When I woke up I looked in my pants and I had a sandy Jackson. True story." - Zach, to Ryan, Rick, and Monique, "There's not a part of that story that's true." - Rick, "Not as such, no." - Zach

"Cochrane Fish?!" - Rick, exclaiming his surprise over one of the answers during Monique's crazy Charade Hybrid Hijinx game, "Not to be confused with a Cock Ring Fish!" - Zach

"Oh no! What if the border patrol asks us if we have anything to declare?!" - Monique, to Zach, Ryan, and Rick, "Simple. I'll just say, 'Yeah I have something to delcare, sir. I declare . . . a MOTHERFUCKING THUMB WAR!'" - Zach

~~~April 2008~~~

"So friend, get in any good two hour arguments requiring paging through back issues of comics recently?" - Justin, "That sounds like a ridiculously nerdy endeavour. Count me out!" - Zach, "Uh huh. The toothpaste is out of the tube, frond." - Justin, "Damn it." - Zach

"I'm caught on your jacket and your retard arm." - Monique, to Zach

"What sort of animal part is that?!" - Zach, to Jamie, as he waves a fur covered piece of animal into my bedroom door, "It's a deer tail. And aw, look, it's anus is still attached!" - Jamie, very excited at his newly realized good fortune"I'm gonna need for you to get that out my room." - Zach, deflating Jamie's happiness

"Did you see that hot girl working at the bank?" - Little Nick, to Zach, "I don't think so. And if it's the one I think you're talking about, I don't think she's hot." - Zach, "Jamie, do you think she's hot? - Little Nick, to Jamie, who's listening to us from his room, "Depends. Is her anus still attached?" - Jamie

"You look very handsome tonight, honey." - Grammie, to Zach, "Don't let it go to your head - she's blind as a bat." - Nanny, whispering in my ear, "THANK you, Nanny." - Zach, stage whispering in Nanny's ear

"Cylon!" - Zach, to Rick, acting as Mrs. Cochrane, "Cylon! Is that you?!" - Rick, via the spirit of Mrs. Cochrane

"What was Baltar's deal in that episode anyway?" - Rick, to Zach, about BSG S4.1, "I have no idea. Apparently they're turning him into Charles Manson Reilly." - Zach

"First I find out The Golden Girls are moving from Lifetime to WE and now I find out Doc Cottle wasn't even in the first episode of BSG this season! God, sometimes it doesn't even pay to get out of bed in the morning!" - Zach, to Rick

"You should tell Monique that you and her should get together with Kyle and me afterwards and we can 'make a nice'." - Brooke, to Zach, "Um, I'm sure she'll be pleased to hear that, but the technical term is, 'having a nice'." - Zach, "Well, you can't 'have a nice' until you 'make a nice' first!" - Brooke, "Truer words never spoken." - Zach

"I'm not complaining, but did either of you notice that in the last 15 minutes we were at the gym it suddenly got over run with Asian women?" - Zach, to Jamie & Nick, "They're nocturnal." - Little Nick, "They are NOT nocturnal." - Zach, "Oh, I thought he said, 'and a turtle'." - Jamie

"Sometimes I wish our lives were taped for a live studio audience." - Zach, out loud, from his room, when he hears Jamie singing Sheryl Crow songs, badly and off-key, "I want that too!" - Little Nick, "Mine is!" - Jamie

"Joyce always hates any of my onion-based schemes." - Zach, to Cindy

"I remember when Geraldo was about to open Al Capone's vault my Dad and I were listening to the broadcast while we were driving up to Castle in the Clouds. Do you know what Castle in the Clouds is, Joyce?" - Zach, "Yes, Zach." - Joyce, "Just so you know, it's not where the Care Bears live. That's Care-a-lot. This is Castle in the Clouds." - Zach, "I KNOW, Zach." - Joyce, "You know that the Care Bears live in Care-a-lot or you know about Castle in the Coulds?" - Zach, "I hate you." - Joyce, "That's the kind of attitude that won't make you a very welcome visitor in Care-a-lot." - Zach, "I hate you a lot." - Joyce

"Well, I'm not gonna just put my pickle in your dickle!" - Zach, to Monique, not meaning anything dirty at all, despite sounding ridiculously dirty

"For someone who's so good at video games you'd think you'd be able to avoid pot holes." - Monique, to Zach

"Jenna just cock-slapped a volvo." - Dominic, to Zach

"American Idol Ice Cream?! I want to punch somebody in the face. Preferably the man who invented American Idol Ice Cream." - Zach, to Jamie, upon his discovery of the aforementioned ice cream

"Nothing screams times steps and lindys like Mr. George Orwell" - Andrew, to Zach, over the prospect of turning Animal Farm into a stage show

"Did I just see a pregnant Asian midget?" - Brad, to Zach and Ryan J., "UMMM, they prefer to be called P.A.M.s!" - Zach, whispering out of earshot of the P.A.M. to Brad

"Damn, that dog HATES pirates!" - Zach, to Brad & Ryan J., after noticing a dog barking like crazy at a man dressed like Capt. Jack Sparrow on 38th St.

"What should we grill tonight?" - Jamie, "Maybe hamburgers?" - Zach, "You know, I have had hamburgers so much this week. The last five times I've grilled it's been hamburgers. That's a lot of hamburgers." - Jamie, "I see, so . . ." - Zach, "So let's have hamburgers!" - Jamie, "That was an unexpected ending." - Zach

"Excuse me, could you tell me where the humidifiers are located?" - Old Lady at Wal-Mart, to Zach, who is wearing his work shirt that clearly DOESN'T say Wal-Mart on it, "Oh, um, I . . . I really don't know." - Zach, "You don't know?!" - Old Lady, "I don't work here." - Zach, "Are you sure?" - Old Lady, "Yup, pretty sure." - Zach, "Well, I just thought you did . . . because you're tall." - Old Lady

"There's something to be said about morphemes." - Brooke, to assorted people at Peter's birthday

"Zach, did you just motorboat me?" - Jackie, to Zach, after an attempted example of eskimo kissing went horribly and disasterously wrong

"Can we ever go on a nice walk together without the potential of being gang-raped by some sketchy drifter?" - Zach, "Apparently not." - Monique

"This area closed to all digging of Clams, Mussels, Quahogs, Oysters, Carnivorous Whelks or Snails." - posted sign in Ogunquit that brought much laughter, then fear, then laughter again to Zach & Monique

"Ha, ha. It's funny because these pieces are all short fatties and I like them but it's hard for you because you're all hand big." - Monique, to Zach, during a round of Travel Scrabble

"Hi. My name is Augusto Pinochet and this is my wig." - Ben Cole, impersonating President Roslin and her wacky hi-jinx on BSG S4

"Friend! Be careful. You're gonna get . . . stuff on your . . . stuff." - Kate, rather eloquently warning Zach at Blue Latitudes

"Would I be wise to secure all blankets and computer operating systems right about now?" - Zach, to Bryan, regarding the Dover arrival of K-Slopp, "Unless you want dead Indians and worms, then yes." - Bryan, "I think I may have bitten off more smallpox than I can chew." - Zach, "On the plus side, you can look forward to 32 oz. sodas being left to attract silverfish." - Bryan

"Let's play a game called . . . 'Underwear Inventory'!!!" - Monique, excitedly, on the phone, to Zach, "Um . . . ok?" - Zach, "Ready?!" - Monique, "I think so?!" - Zach, "Ok. Here we go. Where are your green boxer briefs . . ." - Monique, getting cut off, " . . . with the gray trim?! I don't know! I love those and haven't been able to find them! So they're at your house I assume? Good, because . . ." - Zach, getting cut off, "Noooooope. Guess again!" - Monique, "What?! Where else could they be? Unless . . ." - Zach, "They're at Mix & Buck's! [Monique's Mom & Dad]" - Monique, "Oh good God." - Zach, "Yup, Hayden found them and asked, 'Meme, are these mine?'" - Monique, laughing, "Oh good God." - Zach, "And now, every night at 7 o'clock, they gather around your underwear and . . ." - Monique, "Stop! Just STOP!" - Zach, "Hoo-boy, I don't know what it is about not smoking that makes me funnier, but I'm definitely funnier, don't you think?" - Monique, "Oh yeah. Loads funnier." - Zach

~~~May 2008~~~

"Do you think you could maybe grab my underwear for me when you're at your parents?" - Zach, "You know, I really don't want to upset that apple cart." - Monique, "You know, I REALLY think that's an apple cart that needs upsetting." - Zach

"I'm going to tell you a story." - Zach, quietly, to a very chatty Monique at 6 in the morning, "Ok." - Monique, "It's about a little flower. A little flower that needed to shut. The. FUCK. UP!" - Zach, "Hmmm, I don't like that story." - Monique

"I'm sorry your begonia hurts." - Monique, inexplicably refering to Zach's upper arm as a begonia

"You'll get that fucking corn magnet over my god-damned dead body." - Zach, to Brad, on voicemail, after finding out that he too hopes Nanny will bequeath him her googly-eyed corn mangnet from the 80's

"Wait, use a paper plate!" - Peter, to Zach, who was starting to use a regular plate for his hot dog & hamburger, "What? Where?!" - Zach, "To the right." - Peter, while Zach looks wide right, "Huh?" - Zach, clueless, " Soft right!" - Peter, adamantly, "Um . . ." - Zach, still clueless, "Look down! It has a beaver face on it!" - Peter, helping Zach to finally see the novelty paper plate, which, as he stated, was a giant face, "That's all you had to say. That's all you had to say." - Zach, shaking his head

"Buddy, I think I Cinco'd my de Mayo last night." - Rick, to Zach, on May 6th, after a wee bit of overindulgence

"Joyce is circumcising her pockets!" - Jamie, to Zach, after witnessing Joyce cut pocket strands, "Ew. That's gross. Especially because it's true." - Zach

"Now you need to pick some protein." - Brooke, to Zach, "Excuse me?" - Zach, "For the salad. You have to pick your protein." - Brooke, "You mean the meat?" - Zach, "Yeah, your protein. You pick a protein." - Brooke, "Except normal people would say, 'Steak or chicken?', not 'pick your protein'." - Zach, "Lots of people say 'pick a protein'." - Brooke, "And by lots of people, you mean you. And I'll have the steak tips." - Zach

"Sometimes I like to just suck on the duck sauce." - Little Nick, to Zach, in line at the Chinese Food place, while sucking on the duck sauce packet"I hear that." - Zach, never ceasing to be surprised by anything Nick says, "In high school I used to have one every day. Sometimes I'd sell them for $1.25 to other kids." - Nick, "I don't see how you had any other choice." - Zach

"If you don't bring back the beer for my dentist you might as well not come home at all!" - Nanny, to Zach, because . . . actually, isn't it much funnier if I DON'T explain it?? Nanny & Little Nick just may be the Queen & King of Bat Shit Quotes that often have no "context" no matter how much you might try to find some

"Uhhhhh, Jamie - smell this one! It smells like cat vomit!" - Zach, to Jamie, while smelling candles at the Grocery Store, "It smells like those vomit jellybeans. What kind IS that?!" - Jamie, after smelling the candle, "It says, 'Angel Kisses'." - Zach, "Fuck that. I don't want to go to Heaven anymore." - Jamie

"I keep seeing that movie ad on tv and it reminds me of Caleb." - Nanny, "Which one?" - Zach, "Kung Fu Panda." - Nanny, "Which part reminds you of Caleb? The Kung Fu or the Panda?" - Zach, "Pfff, erg, argh, the KUNG FU you damned fool!" - Nanny, "Jeeze, how was I supposed to know? What's the movie about?" - Zach, "Well, there's lots of Kung Fu, from what I can tell, and naturally, a panda." - Nanny, "Naturally." - Zach

"Friend, you were in my dream last night." - Justin, "Was I really famous, with big muscles, and all the girls were chasing me?" - Zach, " . . . No." - Justin, "Oh, that probably wasn't me then." - Zach

"Hey, we're trying to figure out that name of the movie with Jack Nicholson in it. You know the one? Where Jack plays Whitey Bulger. And the Matt Damon is in it. And Marky Mark! And Leonardo Davinci. In Boston. I know you know the name. So call us back and let us know what it is. Ok, thanks. It's in Boston. Ok, thanks." - Dad, to Zach, on voicemail

"I prefer 'Znatch', of course." - Brian, to Zach, via e-mail, explaining which spelling of Zach's name he prefers

"I am now a Crystal Skull expert." - T.C., to Zach, "Extremely jealous. Did you take an online course from Coty?" - Zach, "I researched it online with articles that may or may not have been written by Coty." - T.C.

"Are they going to put Owen back in?" - Evie, to Titie, at a doctor's appointment

"I puked up my Thai Chicken Wrap in the elevator today." - Brad, "That's impossible!" - Zach, "It IS possible. And it happened. On my shoes!" - Brad

"Are you ready for the weekend?" - Joyce, to Zach, "Joyce, my car is full of snifter glasses, croquet balls, fireworks, and patriotic bunting. I'm pretty sure I'm ready for whatever Memorial Day Weekend throws at me." - Zach

"I think I just spinarkled my finany." - Zach, after too many boisterous maneuvers in croquet/badminton

"It's Margie in the garden with a cat mustache!" - Monique, guessing grossly incorrect during a round of new-fangled Charades (aka - "Old Time Montreal")

"She's all boobs and knuckles." - Zach, to Monique, describing an old lady

"This is the point I'd be getting phone calls from all my friends who watch Lost but you're all here instead so now I don't get any phone calls. Assholes." - Zach, to all and assorted at the Lost Luau for Lost Season 4 finale

"Luckily, Hayely was here to keep us in juices and be our resident Benthamologist." - Zach, to attendants of Lost Luau '08

~~~June 2008~~~

"They say she has a bad leg." - Monique, to herself, overheard by Zach, making pretend (?) to be someone else talking about the bad reaction to the bug bite on her leg. She's an odd bird, that one.

"Friend! You always ruin yourself!" - Shan-Y, to an overzealous Zach trying to pry more info from her about the newest BSG

"Fuckpig!" - Natalie, to Bryan, K-Slopp, and Zach, in an attempt to start a new national catchphrase

"Well Pat, you must be happy - new comics and some quiet time to read them." - Zach, "And now I'm gonna blast 'Two Princes'!!!" - Pat

"Rick, I have to say, was quite astute under that blindfold. There were a few areas where I think he knew where we were." - Zach, refering to kidnapping Rick from his job and whisking him away for birthday funnery, "Where?" - Monique, "Well, in one spot, he said, 'I smell wheels!' and we were going past a Michelin dealer. That's a pretty impressive sniffer!" - Zach, "I said, 'I smell eels'." - Rick, "Oh. Well. That's not quite as impressive then." - Zach

"The water in Concord tastes like a dead wart." - Monique, to Zach

"This teaches kids that all hobos go to jail and that's just not true." - Monique, to Zach, in taking issue with the subjugation of Hobos at Hobo Hills Mini-Golf

"That man may be terrified of any and all human contact, but he sure makes a mean fried chicken." - Zach, to Jamie, about the chicken cooking savant at Roadies

"Ohhhh. That banana was a mistake." - Jamie, to Matt & Zach, suddenly realizing he surpassed his banana threshold

"Man, it's so dead inside that I could have just taken wine off the racks or food out of the kitchen and no one would have known." - Zach, to Patrick & A-Tron @ The Chop Shop, "Let alone make off with the precious gem stones in the urinals." - Patrick

"That was the most expensive piss I've ever taken." - A-Tron, to Pat & Zach, refering to aforementioned glitzy urinals

"For stripers, jig sabikis for macks at the mouth or snag pogies in the a.m. to liveline for cows." - Jamie's posted advice, at work, on how to . . . um . . . do something for stripers. I love fishing talk. I understand it as much as I understand Swahili. Which is to say, often never.

"Friend, I was gonna bring a shit-ton of exotic fruit, but I didn't." - Kate, to Zach, at Celtic's Party

"I can't wait for the new Metallica album." - Little Nick, "I heard Rick Rubin produced it." - Patrick, "That sounds like an ice devouring sex tornado." - Jamie, "What does that even mean?" - Zach, "Oh, he doesn't even know." - Nate, all at Celtic's Party

"Did you ever do Jujitsu?" - Caleb, to Little Nick, "Do you mean . . . Jujitsu?" - Little Nick, "Um . . . yeah, that's what I said. Jujitsu." - Caleb, "Oh . . . then, no." - Little Nick

"Ciao Zache! It's your little Italian water horse checking in. That's right, I ain't no monkey but I am an Italian water pony dolphin!" - Jason, e-mailing Zach, from Italy

"Neal Entwhistle is evil! He needs to be in a cell w/ Sheila LaBarre, actually he needs to be in 'hell', not in a cell w/ Sheila LaBarre!" - Mom, to Zach, over e-mail. It's not clear if she means Hell, or something approximating "hell".

"Buddy, I'm driving behind this guy who's going 20 miles an hour UNDER the speed limit and his license plate says 'HAM' and now I'm passing a giant, blue, inflatable gorilla and it all just reminded me of you." - Rick, to Zach

"See what happens, Larry? See what happens when you fuck a tiger beetle in the ass?!" - Little Nick, texting to Zach, while appropriating Big Lebowski lines in his own twisted fashion

"I'm thinking of having the 'Kate the Great' dark stout, with the stout beef stew, and the Chocolate stout cake." - Kate, to Zach, Bryan, Natalie, and Patrick, "Too stouty. In fact, that dragon's ears are too stouty." - Zach

"I make a killer mojito. I mottle the SHIT out of it!" - Bryan, to Zach, in an attempt to bring him back into the mojito fold. I think it worked.

"Buddy, I just passed a tractor trailer that said, 'Papineau International Resource Company'. I don't know what that business is about but I know I don't like it!" - Rick, to Zach

"On a scale of 1 to 10, I give this storm a '10 Stupid'." - Monique, to Zach, using a uniquely Monique-esque type of rating system on the thunderstorm

"Sometimes I forget that I'm pregnant. But then I realize that I'm extremely uncomfortable and can't drink with everyone else so I remember." - Shannon, to the rest of Table 8, at Roy's wedding

"See, those are the pirates but that other guy is the primary pirate!" - Monique, explaining to Zach how the pirate caste system works at Roy's wedding. [This is probably the best example in modern history of a, "you had to be there".]

"You always want to be careful not to get your glasses in the sea dirt." - Monique, warning Zach about where not to lay his glasses on the beach. The beach made of SAND. Not "sea dirt". Sometimes we're simple. I understand that.

"Did he just say Kitty Carryall is the next pitcher due up? Because I bet he sucks." - Monique, clearly misunderstanding Joe Castiglione on the radio during the Sox game.

"Eww, I smell bad." - Zach, "I smell like grass." - Dominic, "I smell like Ryan." - Work Ryan, passing the time at the Diamond Mines

~~~July 2008~~~

"I don't know how many validations you can get for an alligator mouth." - Kate, to Zach, regarding img src excuses

"Oh! I found some turkey sandwich tucked away!" - Monique, to Tom and Zach, after finding some extra turkey sandwich on her person on the way to NYC

"It makes drinking water FUN again!" - Ryan G., on the wonders of Camelback

"If I had that many cat faces on me, I'd take a shower." - Tom, to Zach, referring to Monique's thorough stamping of Zach

"Oh great, Mean Boots is here. Tommy should be happy." - Monique, to Tom, Ryan, and Zach, at Soft Spot, after the arrival of her least (and Tommy's most?) favorite bartender

"He's a Sith Lord and it's like a bear grabbing at you and taking your arm off!" - Ryan, in catchphrase, to Monique, trying to get her to guess 'Darth Maul', "Darth Rippy-Offy!" - Monique, unsuccessfully

"You really want to leave? I thought you'd love it here!" - Monique, to Zach, at Barcade, a bar/arcade in Brooklyn. "I do. I do! It's just, I know these people like the popular games, but I don't think they appreciate things like Rolling Thunder and Pengo on the level that I do. God, I'm such a dork." - Zach

"I'll have another Bloody Marrow please." - Monique, only one Blood MARY in and looking drunk, "Wow." - Our Waitress, shocked and awed, at the bar

"Do you remember the falafel baby incident?" - Tom, to Zach, the morning after the 5th of July and much Zach blackoutedness, "Um, refresh my memory." - Zach, recalling nothing at first, "You walked into the Falafel place, loudly ordered a falafel, but said not to put anything spicy on it because you were a baby and they responded, 'Ok, one falafel for the baby!'" - Tom, "Aw, that sounds just like me!" - Zach, who later recalled it

"I don't even remember how everyone suddenly got naked." - Zach, "Well, an Asian girl named Irish came over and pulled both of our clothes off." - Tom, "Oh my. I remember that now." - Zach, reflecting on a hazy, rooftop 4th of July in the East Village

"Who would not like to go for a ride on the Titanic?" - Ryan, to Monique, during one of Monique's crazy made-up game rounds, "Kathie Lee!" - Monique, "Correct!" - Ryan, "That's not fair to me or Tommy! You made that question up!" - Zach, "I'm sorry but it's still true. She wouldn't want to be on that boat." - Ryan

"I finally got to see Papa in full view!" - Zach, to Tom, bout a totally innocent sighting of Papa Smurf at the gay bar Boiler Room, overheard by the Autobot Carlos, in what caused much awkwardness

"Where did I get this cup? The glass store?" - Monique, aloud to herself, after wondering how she was drinking a cocktail in a glass in the middle of the park (Answer? She took it out of the bar with her.)

"Conner, I'm at a bar in P-town, standing next to Lance Bass." - Brad, texting Conner, "Tell him Conner says hi. He'll know . . ." - Conner, texting back

"If I woke up anywhere other than Brooklyn, I may be rather surprised to find a gay pirate hanging from the light fixture and watching over us all while we slept." - Zach, to Ryan, Monique, and Tom

"Look at that Jack Banana!" - Monique, to Tommy and Zach, on an interesting driver in Holyoke

"Say goodbye kids, because we're never coming back to Fuckyoke!" - Monique, to Tom and Zach, after we all expressed frustraton with Holyoke

"Man, they've gotta be really hard up for help, huh?" - Jamie, loudly to Matt B., at McDonald's, reading a placemat advertising for help on their placemat, not knowing a mentally deficient person, employed by McDonald's was emptying the trash behind him, "Um . . . Jamie, I . . ." - Matt B., "Seriously?! They must be willing to hire ANYONE!" - Jamie, as the poor soul slinked away

"Friend, I've known you a long time . . . and I think this is the first time I've ever seen your nipples." - Kate, "Well, take a long look - they're pretty glorious." - Zach

"Why don't you guys go to SurfCoaster if you're so hot?" - Zach, to Jenna and Little Nick, "That's like paying for a yeast infection." - Jenna

"I saw a huge skunk out here last night." - Jamie, to Zach, in their driveway, "Awesome." - Zach, "He was huge. Almost all white. Walked with a bit of a limp. He was ancient. Actually, I think he was more of a wizard than a skunk." - Jamie

"Poison Ivy is the Paul Giamatti of the plant world." - Andrew, to Zach

"You know, my Dad went to China Yan one time and he said it actually wasn't bad." - Kate, to Zach, "It IS possible and it happened . . . on my China Yan." - Zach, "That's gross. It should be, 'It happened . . . on my Yangtze.'" - Kate

"I like my rims sugared before I lick them." - Little Nick, to all assorteds at Bugaboo before we went to go see The Dark Knight

"Just so you know, I'm going to have to go over to the edge of the woods before I leave work today." - Work Ryan, to Zach, "Why?" - Zach, "Well, there's some Nidorina I need to catch before they get out of control." - Work Ryan

"Sometimes I forget Beaker because he's not on stickers very much." - Mom, to Zach, explaining why she doesn't always remember Beaker. I think.

"If you can throw that skittle in my mouth I'll give you a unicorn." - Work Ryan, to Zach

"She's like our crazy, drunken aunt who shows up at holidays with too many bloody marrows and our parents tell us to be nice but to keep our distance." - Zach, IM-ing Ryan G., about Monique's crazy schemes

~~~August 2008~~~

"There was a black guy on the package who looked really . . . good. So I bought them." - Dominic, to Zach, explaining his purchase of tighty blackies opposed to his usual whities

"You were going to let me eat that! You were going to make my intestines fall out of my ass in a bloody heap!" - Zach, to Cam, after almost eating staple filled candy, "Don't worry - I'd catch it in a bucket!" - Cam

"He's on of the Top 5 Druids in the U.S. It's legit. He's in Team Ice." - Dom, to Zach, about whatever the hell it is Dom talks about

"Pocket Shot!" - Monique's nickname for Little Nick at my birthday party

"Dominic, you are fucking crazy." - Zach, "No I'm not! I'm a nice person who brings happiness and light to people's hearts and souls . . . with my banjo." - Dom, "I do NOT stand corrected." - Zach

~~~September 2008~~~

"Wait, do you get the points or do I get the points?" - Little Nick, to Caleb, playing Street Fighter 2, "There are no points." - Caleb, "Oh. I see." - Little Nick,

"Wait, so aren't these all the same characters but with different colors?" - Little Nick, on Street Fighter 2, to Caleb, "Um, yes. I guess." - Caleb, "Well isn't that what Sega was all about?" - Little Nick, "What? Different colors?" - Zach, "Yeah." - Little Nick

"You make me so happy when I see you I'm gonna cry and then go home and go to sleep!" - Dottie, to Zach, after not seeing each other in almost a year

"Three of the people in my buildin' have died since I seen you friend. I called one of 'em 'Mom' since she had a daughter one time." - Dottie, to Zach

"I don't go skiing. It's too white." - Dottie, to Zach

"I don't want no matoes in my sand'ich. They go in my mouth and right out the other end!" - Dottie, "No tomatoes it is!" - Zach

"Do you know the libary has lots of books about how to make teepees or just a little?" - Dottie, asking Zach a perfectly reasonable question

"I lost your name's friend, but don't tell her because she'll be too sad!" - Dottie, to Zach, explaining that her My Buddy Doll (which she has named Zach) has lost the My Buddy's Sister Doll (which she named Kate) and not to inform Kate. Keep in mind, DOTTIE did not lose the sister doll, but My Buddy Doll (a.k.a - Zach, a.k.a. - "my name") lost the doll. Are we clear?

"It's a lot like being a vampire. Once your car gets keyed, you're allowed to key other people's cars." - Tim, explaining the gothic keying mythology to Zach

"Gene Upshaw was the Mr. Frates of the NFL." - Tim, to Zach, explaining Gene Upshaw's importance(?) to the NFL

"Hurricane Hanna, other than being h-less, totally flucuates between all (Category 4) and nothing (Tropical Mist). Hurrican' H eats flora (and fauna!) but is ostracized by the Earthquakes, Floods and Tornadoes. And often times, whilst hiding in your storm cellar, the high priced whirring and whining of Hurricane Hanna is almost indistinguishable from the sounds of a weeping Minotaur." - Zach, to Hannah E., on Facebook

"She's a gale force cunt." - Ryan G., to Zach, refering to S. Palin

"Is Bob's Furniture any good? Probably not." - James Francis, outside our living room window, drunk, in the dark, to Jamie, Little Nick, Kung Fu, and Zach

"I don't know if I should do meatball, since I'm wearing pants today." - Jamie, trying to decide if he should have a meatball sub

"What happens in the event of a tie?" - Zach, to Monique, regarding online Scrabble, "You automatically lose and I always win in a tie." - Monique, "Wait, why?!" - Zach, "Because that's the way the world works." - Monique

"I just walked in on a chipmunk on the toilet." - Zach, to Cindy, after seeing a literal chipmunk sitting on the closed top of the toilet at work, "What was he doing?!" - Cindy, "Oh, you know, reading a tiny Reader's Digest. He loves, 'Humor in Uniform'." - Zach

"Jamie, don't ever ask for who the vice squeaks - the vice squeaks for THEE!" - Zach, to Jamie, who had been tying flies at work all day in his special, magic, squeaky vice. Also, it squeaked a lot.

"You know, one of the things I'll probably miss most about this job is large, hairy men coming up to me, looking at me straight in the eyes, and saying, 'Can you show me where the lube for my lower end is?'. I mean, you don't get that at every job. Or . . . any other job at all, actually." - Zach, to Cindy & Joyce

"Joyce! JOYCE! Are you listening?! It's a double shot of Toto! Toto, Joyce! Man, did you ever think we'd live long enough to hear DOUBLE TOTO?!" - Zach, to Joyce, on the Shark's song selection, "When's your last day again?" - Joyce

~~~October 2008~~~

"You know I don't like initials at mid-day!" - Monique, to Zach, when Zach tried to use initials during a hike. He should have known better.

"Let me smell my tooth food!" - Monique, to Zach, being so repulsive that I don't even want to catalog it for future generations

"Dairy Queen has come out with a Pumpkin Blizzard and I want it in my life." - Kate, to Zach

"Are you two having some sort of Crazy Eddie Everything-Must-Go-Sale that I don't know about?!" - Zach, to Pat & Kung Fu, after realizing that 94% of Kung Fu's room had vomited itself all over the two living rooms along with furniture from Pat's room

"Friend, once you smell too many of those, they all start to turn cat pukey." - Zach, to Kate, during a Yankee Candle smelling spree

"My coworker just got back from NYC and went to see The Daily Show and Conan. That's what normal people do when they go visit NYC. I drink with a scientist, get cat stamped with a plastic traitorous amphibian, get branded a 'falafel baby' and almost get snuffed out in a Polish/Mexican race war that my girlfriend initiates at 3 in the morning. Just sayin' is all. - Zach, to Ryan G.

"My Facebook Status, if I only could write it, 'Ryan is walking through Times Square with a check for a quarter million dollars in his coat pocket.'" - Ryan, to Zach, on IM, "Who isn't?" - Zach, "YOU!" - Ryan, "Are you sure??" - Zach, "Oh, are you here? We should do lunch." - Ryan

"Meanwhile, McCain, in NH, swears to, 'Get those bastards who killed your Old Man!'" - Ryan G., to Zach, hypothesizing McCain's attempt to win the granite hearts of NH by finding the operative who killed the Old Man in the Mountain

"OK, what are the drinks again?" - Waitress at Trivia Night to Kung Fu, Kate, & Zach, "Guinness." - Kung Fu, "Three Olives Cherry & Soda" - Kate, "Miller Lite." - Zach, all for the second time, "Our waitress smokes a lot of pot. A lot. Of pot." - Patrick, "Well kids, get ready for hot toddies all around!" - Zach

~~~November 2008~~~

"'Round here, we wear an Indian Cos-Cob!" - Monique, to Ryan, during Old Fashioned Montreal at Brad's apartment during Thanksgiving

~~~February 2009~~~

"That's a real Philidelphia Cheese Angel." - Ryan, to Zach, Monique & Brad, @ Daydream

"If I had a 'sad turkey' on this thing, I'd send it!" - Monique, texting Zach

"She's got a bad habit. A bad habit for drugs!" - Mr. G., about Annabelle Dixon

"Did you hear they found the first live jaguar in North American in over 100 years?!" - Zach, "Whoopi Goldberg?!" - Jamie

"I'm horrible at pretty things." - Bryan, to Zach, attempting to ice his ice box cakes

"This is like a Christian School production of Roots!" - Bryan, to Zach, after a cinnamon mishap

"Now I lay me down to . . . circus peanuts?!" - Bryan, texting to Zach, after finding a little circus peanuts trap within his pillow

"Was Summerfield's on Cloud 9?!" - Ryan G., to Zach, mixing up real life with Battlestar Galactica. Again.

~~~March 2009~~~

"I'm giving up sex with girls for Lent." - Brad, "Just have a 100 Grand bar instead." - Zach, "Ooooh, I love 100 Grands!" - Brad, "I know. That's why I said it." - Zach

"Dom, does your room smell like teen spirit?" - Zach, "Only when J. Luc & Destiny Kornikova are up there and then it seeps into my floor." - Dominic, texting

"I picked pull & peel instead of regular type twizzlers because I wanted to have more fun in my snack for this movie." - Hayley, to Zach, before the midnight screening of Watchmen

"Al, this is the sequel to 'Bangkok Dangerous'. It's called 'Bangkok Dangerous 2: Bangkok More Dangerous'." - Zach, to Al, during the "Knowing" trailer at Watchmen

"I'm at the movie theater right now with pretty much every person you've ever known." - Zach, texting Justin, "I'm sorry." - Justin

"Does Caleb still work at McSquealy's?" - Monique, to Zach, grossly mistaking the name of Caleb's workplace - which happens to be Quick Lane - not, in fact, McSquealy's

"Misha and Niko's in-house vet visit only cost an extra $15. It's the upper valley, so it's the kind of vet that can check on horses and livestock too." - Zach, "My parents had that kind of vet come to the house once." - Kate, "To check on Lisa?" - Zach, "Yeah. They had to put her down." - Kate, "That's an AWFUL thing to say!" - Zach, "Well, she was lame." - Kate, "Fair enough." - Zach

"I'm here. It's beer. Get used to it." - Zach, to Kate @ Blue Latitudes

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