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Tiger-San Sick Of Fake ID Accusations

2007-02-05 - 10:11 a.m.

New Television Addiction Whilst Waiting For LOST and Sopranos to Return: Battlestar Gallactica. Damn you Coles.

Listening To: Curtis Mayfield, The Shins, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Beck

Quote:"That's pretty much my favorite animal: Nick as an Assyrian God." - Jason

I mean, do I look 19? Do I? DO I? The answer? Is no. I do not. And yet, that didn't stop the melon headed 16 year old idge at Shaw's the other night from flashing on the White Light Special to alert the manager to come over for some "doin's a-transpirin'". Yes, my ID has a crack in it. Yes, this has caused me untold problems for many, many moons now. Yes, I am lazy and should have just gotten a new one ages ago. Yes, the Meredith Case & Keg threatened to call the police on my last Cinquo de Mayo because they accused me of passing off my "fake ID". BUT COME THE FUCK ON. Do I REALLY LOOK 19 or 20? (Again, pretty much no.) Who in the right fucking mind uses a FAKE ID to claim that they're TWENTY-EIGHT (28)?!?!? [Side note: I have this weird fetish for when a story in a magazine or such writes out a number and the includes the number numerically after - as I just did above. So, what? If your audience can't read, but DOES know numbers, then they'll know what # you just wrote? But what about the rest of the fucking article? How are they reading that? Or is it some weird affliction where they just can't read numbers spelled out, but regular type words are fine?!?!? WELL, WHICH IS IT?! Because a fake ID saying you're 28 is SO convenient!! It gets you into all those high school reunions, and baby showers, and middle-aged debutante balls that teenages so desperately want to be a part of. Whatever. Like I said, I'll be spending a good three hours of my day at the DMV today. And nothing can POSSIBLY go wrong when the DMV is involved. Virginia C. Beecher best watch her back!

So all of my pussy friends who kept refusing to try Tiger Beer (not to be confused with Tiger Beat) sure are . . . pussies? I don't know. I think I already said that. WELL, I'm Mr. Tiger Beer now. Oh yes. I have Tiger Beer sheets. Tiger Beer blinders for my horse. Tiger Beer kazoos for my kindergarten class that I shadow at the Learning Annex. Tiger Beer toe rings for when I want to feel sexy. Did I mention the Tiger Beer? It's from Japan [check], it's orange & blue [check], and it's got a fucking TIGER on it [double check!]. How does it taste? I don't know. It's ok. But that's not important. What's important is that I love Tiger Beer. And you should too. It's like a Tiger. And a beer. It's Tiger Beer!!

私はトラビールを愛する! 私はまた極度の空手猿の死車を愛する!
So much for diaryland representing Japanese symbols very well. Or at all. The original Japanese caption was: "I love Tiger Beer! Also, I love Super Karate Monkey Death Car!"

As much as I bitch about what little time off I have, when I do have time off I, much like Jack White, just don't know. what to do. with myself. Which isn't to say I have nothing to do. Hell no. I need to go get my borderline hippy hair cut, I need to go to the aforementioned D of the MV, I need to go to several Category 11 stores for a certain someone's 'last birthday before they turn 30' present. I also need to work on a present for someone's 'wait, YOU actually ARE turning 30, sucks to be you' present. And I need find out if the canidru lodged in my thigh is as malignantly dangerous as I think it is. Which means I have to make a doctor's appointment. Tres awesome. Yeah, without the bitter, simmering hatred that marks every day at the Diamond Mines, my life seems to have no purpose. Except, you know, that it totally does. Moreso. Times 100.

It's happening. It's happening slowly. Slower than all of you would like. But it's happening. There has been much percolation in my coffee maker brain over many long drives and many numbered bridges. It's not an "if" it's a "when". I'll refer to this paragraph in the future to prove it to you.

Now, off to the post office, more errands, and to Smiley's to get a six (6) pack of sweet, precious TIGER BEER!!

It's been real,

Candido Rondon

ps - Hr McRichmas (aka - Rich) won the quiz that was the last entry. He got 19 out of 25 right. So you can all glare at him jealously. Rich, your prize will be mailed. Thanks again to all of you that participated. All the answers have been posted under the quiz.
pps - New poll? Ok. Fine. New poll. See below.

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