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The Funktagious Turkey

2002-05-08 - 3:38 p.m.

I was almost killed by a wild turkey this morning. And not in the normal turkey-sneaks-into-open-bedroom-window way either. It was the -Bus driver doesn't see the giant turkey in the road and almost kills us all trying to swerve to avoid it- way. Yeah. So I should have known from that point that the rest of the day would just be top shelf.

This whole week has been funktagious. I think I have Expectation Hangover. From the wedding. You know, when you look forward to something for so long, and then. . .boom, it happens. And then what? Yeah, well I got TH's Hall of Fame reunion, Spider-Man (2 looooooong-awaited events), the wedding, and big screen Maura Tierney trip pretty much in one month-and-1/2 fell swoop. If I went to Dairy Queen right now, I'd fear for my life. The Expectation Hangover always is in full force August 29th - Early September. I wait all summer for my birthday, then BOOM, it's there, and then those interminable days between apres gifts and school. Booooooo! But back to the turkey. . .

So this turkey almost kills me. I decide that if turkeys are just gonna go around making attempts on my life, I should at least read up on them. So I went to this turkey website and sure enough, this bird that just this morning attempted turkicide in an effort to seriously fuck up my morning, is the SAME thing we eat at Thanksgiving, and the SAME type of meat I eat for dinner at Au Bon Pain like every damn night. Jeezum Crow Laura, you'd think that this rogue bird would at least be GRATEFUL that I've helped his relatives get work. Anway, so this turkey website, which I was hoping to, at best, find a funny picture of a turkey for my journal, informs me that the National Wild Turkey Federation (NWTF) has over 1,800 chapters in the USA and Canada alone! It also says they, but more importanly *I*, would be very happy if I joined them. (See: "You'll be glad you joined the Flock"). But here's the best part - not only do I have NO IDEA what the NWTF does (other than also being the abbreviation for "Nadine, What The Fuck?!") it will only cost me $100,000 to purchase a NWTF Centurian Life Membership. I can also contribute up to $249,000 and get the same title, but I mean, come on, that's just silly. Yeah, so, for $100,000 I hope to HELL that it's a LIFE MEMBERSHIP.

"Oh, sorry Mr. Robie, your NWTF membership is almost up for 2002, we're going to need another $100,000."

"Hmmmmmmm, do I get another membership card?"

"No sir."

"How 'bouts a little turkey brooch that lights up and plays 'Turkey in the Straw'?"

" . . .yes. You get . . .one of those."

"DEAL!"

Now we get to play pick-a-caption. It's simple. I will put the picture up, and you can ignore the caption you don't like and pick the one you do. Unless you hate them all, then you are probably Helen Hunt or Steven Tyler or Tracey Lundgren and I don't care about you anyway. Ok, ok. Here we go:

Caption A: "Nanny says: 'It be no pheasant, but that's STILL good eatin!'"

Caption B: "Nanny says: 'I like it better in a bottle!'"

Caption C: "Please don't eat me or I'll kill you when you're on the bus!"

Caption D: "Nadine - What The Fuck?!"

Caption E: "Yes . . .yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her . . . SO much . . . it, it, the, it, fla- flames, flames. FLAMES . . . onthesideofmyface . . . breathing, br-breathless, HEAVING breaths . . .heaving. . ."

So moving on, finals are here and they are just as much fun as I hoped they'd be. I love it when I have tons of shit to do and then I just start leisure reading. At least the book I'm (re-)reading, "Easy Riders, Raging Bulls" (given to me as a gift from Flowbee a few years back) actually ties into my film class. So, you know, I got that goin' for me. I'm liking the time period we're in for class right now too. We're studying M*A*S*H and Dr. Strangelove. People, these are good movies. Watch them. You'll be glad you did.

Ha, Ha. I love how all my friends have turned into Columbo lately. So very crafty. Arts and crafty, that's them. "Zach, I think my gerbil needs to go on a diet, what do you think? Really? You think it should go on a diet too? I hope he can still wrestle in his class for the Rodent Olympics this summer. Yeah. He's hoping to just beat his personal best this July, and any medals would just be icing on the cake, you know? Ok, well, thanks for the help, talk to you later. . .oh wait, since I have you on the phone, just. one. more. thing. . ." Oh well. I can't blame people. I guess I would be doing the same. And I guess I'm just glad there is someone such as me to help try to stem the tide a bit (no matter how unsuccessful it may turn out to be). It's just that it's end of the semester, projects, papers, finals, you know, and I may be a little more grouchy than normal. I guess I should be thankful to those inquiring friends for at least trying to be mature opposed to former friends of mine who act like 7th Grade dipshits who would sell their own mother to be the center of attention. Ahhh, it's all about image, isn't it? How sad.

Ok, ok. No more hieroglyphics from me in this entry. This isn't the Hollywood 10, and I don't feel like naming names. But everyone KNEW WHO the Hollywood 10 were, so there was no need to name names then. Sigh. Seriously Clyde - ENOUGH.

So as if the Expectation Hangover wasn't bad enough, the Newsradio syndication schedule hit the end of the 4th Season last week. I knew it was coming when they showed "Sinking Ship" - the Titanic episode, but I think I blocked it out. So there it was, on Monday, right on schedule, Bill's Funeral episode. Ugh. Talk about starting a week off on the wrong foot. So sad. So so sad. I am sad now just writing about it. Ugh Ugh Ugh. Why do I always fall for this trap? Ok, ok. Just to represent old skool NR and to cheer me up, I will leave these pollen-soaked proceedings with a happy happy image. An era full of "good times . . .good times."

The Original, the Irreplaceable, the Perfect - Crazy Eight

It's been real,

Fenton Crackshell

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2002 - 2009 ZQF8

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