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Jon & Chris's Rap For Ben

2004-08-05 - 7:09 p.m.

Favorite Place To Store Hay That Looks Like Hay But Doesn't Look Like Hay: The B.B. Ranch

Listening To: TMBG, RHCP, PJ, TH, BNL - Hooray for abbreviations!

Quote: "I started two gangs. The Kitties and The Grape Slushies." - Terri, on Reno 911!

On July 17th at 4:41 in the morning, Ben Walden received a phone call from sunny Florida. Not as far south as Miami. Not as far north as Destin. Sorta in the middle. On the east coast. You know, Misty Hatch Country. Yeah. So anyhow - a call comes in the middle of the night/early morning. Ben doesn't answer - you know, since he's asleep at 4:41 usually - weirdo. So the voicemail picks it up. The following phantasmagorical absurdity is what was left on his voicemail. Let this serve as the historical record that Jon Farmer, Chris White (a.k.a. - Christian, Cree, Chester A. Arthur, etc.) copious amounts of alcohol, and Peter's cell phone do not a mixture make. Sure - it makes for a hilarious 6 minute rap, but certainly not a mixture! I'd put the kids to bed now folks, there's some salty language ahead! And now, on with the show:


Hey Ben / Like the fucking hen that I fucking rhyme with / That I go to the end with / To the fucking stitches

Big Ben / That I fucking rhyme with / Fuckin' paper style / You ain't got shit on this while I rhyme / Cause you can't do it / Cause you got nothing on this fuckin' Jon Faaaaaarmer styyyyyylin'

You can't do it / Cause you ain't got no fucking punches to roll with it / Cause you ain't got the fucking stitches to fuckin' stitch to it

'Cause Zach Foote is fucking miles away / And he has NOTHIN' / 'Cause he's a fucking pussy on the fucking way / He's fucking drivin' / And he ain't got no fuckin' live in / He's got NOTHIN'!


And you know that you had to come far if you were gonna try to fuckin' spar in my dojo / And you know that I had the bad mojo

Because my name is Morrison / From The Doors / And you know you had less and I had mores / Like I know you were anthrax and I had spores / And you didn't know that I was the lead singer of The Doors / And you thought that you could come with this tale but you know that I had the historical lores

Like my name was Aesop and I came through and I had the fairy tales to drop with the lesson / And you know you were trying to step / And you didn't know that I was addressin' your whole crew / And I was down with making the stone stew with the soup with the mad ingredients / And you were trying not to show obedience

And you didn't know that I came through with the style that would make you obey / And you didn't know that I told you to stay . . . like my PUP

And you didn't know that I had the Stanley Cup in my hand / Like I had the microphone when I'm the motherfuckin' man / When I have the microphone in my hand / 'Cause I'm about to bust out my plan

I'm like Dick Cheney and George W. Bush / When I say pull you push / When I say push you pull / Like my name was Rodney / Rodney, Rodney, Rodney / Rodney like the L.A. police tryin' to put the egg to the side of the skillet / And cut out all the grease

I'm talkin' about an omelet with the mad cheese / I say cheese when I photograph / And that is my speed / And you don't know anybody knows that I was Eazy-E / And you don't know that I had a photograph with the camera in my hand / In my possession / I'm POSSESSED / You didn't know that I guess


I buy gas from the motherfuckin' Zest . . . gas staaaaation / We go hard now / We go hard now to the fucking gas station / We get it done / We get it done so hard now

We go to the fuckin' bed / We go to the fuckin' head / And we can't get it done now / 'Cause the fucking heart is dead now / You got to get hard now / 'Cause you can't do it

'Cause you can't deal with the fuckin' pink flowers . . . rolllllllin' / Pink flowers . . . it's about the howitzers / Gonna fuckin' blow it off / Goin' into the Army / Gonna get it done with the fuckin' storrrrrmy . . . weather / 'Cause you can't watch fuckin' weather / 'Cause it's gonna blow hard

And you can't fuckin' get it fuckin' started right now / 'Cause you're fuckin' your bed right now / 'Cause it's obliterated / With the started / STARTED / PETE FARMER!!


Yeah - wasn't that sweet of them to call Ben and share that? I thought so. So I thought I'd share it all with you. Hope you enjoyed.

It's been real,

El Oso McGriddle

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