2004-04-07 - 8:24 p.m.

Here's the funny thing about crosswalks. Well, at least crosswalks as they pertain to me. I'm always convinced, at least since I started driving, that when I stop (or don't stop) for someone at a crosswalk, that I will end up running into them some how (like in public, not literally, with my car). So if I cut off some big muscley armed person, I so make a mental note in my head that I will certainly run into that person in the next few days, say - in the Dunkin' Donuts line and he will kick my ass. Handily. Now, on the flipside (the same side I will be catchin' all you dudemeiesters), if I stop at the crosswalk for a hot girl to walk across - as I did today in downtown Dover - I am convinced that I will be in a bar sometime this week and some idiot at the bar will knock some girl's beer over and when I go over to help her/buy her a new drink, she'll look up from cleaning up the spilled beer and exclaim, "Oh my! It's that nice gentleman who stopped for me at the crosswalk! " And then I'll humbly reply, "Just doin' my job, miss." [Which, in future hindsight, doesn't make a fuckwit of sense] And then she'll bat her eyelashes (girls do this to make guys falls under their spell) and say, "Are you busy for the next 30 years?" And I'll say, "Depends. Do you like NewsRadio?" And she'll say, "Of course! I'm a hot girl! Of course I like NewsRadio!" And I'll say, "As long as you're not from Cedar City, baby, I'm yours." 'Cause you know, Cedar City sucks all kinds of ass.

Yeah. So it's the week before the big week. Peter's wedding is next week. Lots of preparation. Drycleaning this. Pressing that. Decontaminating this. Purchasing a fake visa on the black market that. I'm hoping to have quite the entry when I get back from the red light events down in the Western most of all the Palm Beaches. Will everything go according to plan down there? I doubt it. But it'll be fun anyway.

Did I ever mention the time that I APRIL FOOLED a significant portion of my friends on April Fools? It's true. Most of them (Hayley, Al-Y, Kate, Andrea) believed that Justin got paid $50 to eat a hamburger, which they were told he did, and enjoyed it! Which of course had no basis in reality. I conned Bryan about Al-Y leaving the Wallakers. I got both Jimbo & Peter by convincing them Ben got in trouble at work and couldn't come to the wedding. And Coty? Well . . . I got my old Armenian friend but good. And even he admitted, "As the day was going by I was alert. I kept thinking, 'it's not like Zach to not have tried something by now," And yet . . . he still got duped. Yeah. I'm pretty cool.

Speaking of cool, I got Freaks and Geeks yesterday on DVD and while it's been a looooong wait, it couldn't be more worth it. I speak of the genius of this show in the same breath as NewsRadio. No joke. So you have to know that I think it's pretty damn keen. I try to convince people how good it is but it's a really hard show to describe without it sounding like a 1980 version of The Wonder Years. The best way to understand it, and thusly love it, is to just watch it. So go out there and buy it! I promise you won't be disappointed! Or . . . you know, just borrow it from me, which is what most of you will end up doing anyway.

My family has been more goatfuckingly annoying than usual lately. Which is impressive. Even for them. While I am back on speaking terms with my dad, that doesn't mean I'm getting along with him. My mother and I got into a big ol' blowout the other day that was so bad I had to pull over into the Concord Panera parking lot, in the rain, so I could finish fighting with her via cell phone. Always a good time. Was in Concord to see Nanny, who is finally done radiation and came back to Laconia on Monday. She's . . . in good spirits, considering. But she's in no stretch of the imagination in good health. I can't blame people for asking me about how's she doing. I would do the same, and have, to others who are in my position. But, and this is the only time I'm gonna say it, no matter how many times anyone asks me how Nanny is doing I'm never gonna give a straight answer. It's a very immature attitude to assume that as long as I don't say the truth out loud then it won't be true. But no one, last I checked, has ever accused me of being mature. So if you ask me how she's doing, expect a "She's hanging in there." or "Well, she's staying positive and I hope to see her soon." Both of which are true. But, I can't accept, visualize, come to terms with, whatever the fuck you want to call it, with the fact that my grandmother - easily my favorite member of the family - is dying. I'm not going to be able to accept it when it happens. I'm not gonna be able to accept it 6 months later. And I hate even writing about it, although I guess it's better than not expressing it all. But I was starting to feel it was a disrespectful to her to not even mention her. Don't get me wrong, I don't see her taking off for parts unknown anytime soon. Hell, she still wants her special pasta from Patricks and she's still just as crazy as she's ever been. Every time my cell phone rings around her she says, "Uh oh!" And every time I ask her, "What the hell are you uh oh-ing about?" "Well, here it comes! Something must be happening! It can't be good!" she replies. Does that even make a bit of sense? No. I don't believe it does. And that is one of the many reasons I love Nanny.

Well . . . that's uplifting. You know, since none of you people are gonna wish me Happy Anniversary, I suppose I'll have to do it myself. Happy 2nd Anniversary Me! That's right kiddos, it's been 2 years to the day since we've been driving this here blue-hued Beemobile. It's true! Quite a lot has happened since April 7th, 2002! Granted, I don't get a big gussied up 2nd Anniversary intro like I was nice enough to do for Justin. (Remember Justin? The one who didn't come to the party? If more detail helps you remember, he's the one. that didn't come. to my party.) Oh well, I don't see Stuff & Things going anywhere anytime soon, so I suspect I'll be linking to this entry 2 years from now, during my 4th Anniversary Spectacular! Unless, you know, I'm on Death Row or something for shoving Helen Hunt into a shark tank. And then all of you will reread this section and say to yourselves . . . awww, he did. He did shove that ol' hag into a shark tank. God bless 'im for stickin' to his guns. (Apparently, in the future, it will be all the rage to drop consonents off of words and replace them with apostrophes) Oh well, like Al-Y says, you can't wish someone a "belated anniversary", it has to be a "late anniversary." Whatever the fuck that means. No one really listens to Al-Y anyway.

But the words you want to hear, you will never hear from me. I'll never say Happy Anniversary. I'll never stay to say, Happy Anniversary. - The Magnetic Fields

What do the next 2 years hold for us?! Fuck if I know. If the last 2 years are any indication:

**Format - Guess [evidenced in the last 2 years by]

We'll have more skeevoids find my corner of the internet [Old teachers, McKeen]

We'll romp around at weddings [Chad & Mack's, KP & Mike's, Bryan & Natalie, soon to be Peter & Titie, and later Shannon & Matt]

We'll bury old hatchets, even if people didn't know there were hatchets to bury [Annie, Beth, Hinemo]

We'll burn stuffed animals that never asked for such treatment [dolphins]

We'll meet new friends and use this outlet to make fun of them and the stupid things they do [Hayley, Justin, Al-Y, Shan-Y, Bryan, every classmate/group project member of mine at UNH]

We'll make our collective brains bleed some more [oral surgery, any conversations I have with either of the two Beth's I know]

We'll go on crazy adventures [Driving across the country with TC and Ben, any night out with Jeff, any party involving Peter or Jimbo, me getting thrown in the pokey]

We'll go to concerts big and small [Radiohead, David Byrne, Guster, Simon & Garfunkel]

We'll get our hearts broken [Red Sox, TGIFridays, & Shower Curtains, Secret Crush]

We'll continue to talk about some things in code when we don't want the general populace to know what is being referenced [see last paragraph]

We'll eat. Oh God will we ever eat [any interaction with Monique, Andrea, Brooke, or Kate]

And we'll write. Well, I guess I'll write. Enough of this "royal we" bullshit. Alright. Enough of this. My back hurts. And it's cold. I'm always cold.

All I want is to breathe. Won't you breathe with me? - Talking Heads

It's been real,

Chromalloy

ps - New Poll! Hooray! Ok, so yeah - the old poll? A bit of a bust. Not only did it result in crazy ties, but NONE of it came true. When asked what was the mishap most likely to happen at Monique's party, 21% of you, with 5 votes, picked that Ben would receive a massive head wound during a last minute fix-it job. Not a bad guess. But didn't happen. 5 of you, tied with the Ben guess at 21%, also voted for Brooke throwing down with a neighbor who innocently asked for some 'fat italian sausage.' Again, smart guess. But it didn't happen. Monique eating her weight in steak came in at 17% and 4 votes and definitely, this was the most LOGICAL of the choices, but not only did it NOT happen, but Monique didn't even have ANY steak. I know. Shocking. Third place, a tie with 3 votes and 13% each was KP getting bombed and getting a "Keep Smilin'!" sun tattoo on her back vs. Justin pistol-whiping anyone who looked askance at Cameron. Well, KP didn't get too blotto and I don't know if I've mentioned this, but Justin didn't even show up! Al-Y was satisfied with her Vegan cupcakes and cookies, so no grassroots Vegan riot was stirred up over there being no hot house corn, despite 2 of you, 8%, thinking she would. And only one of you (4%) thought I'd crack over people questioning my line drive style. Which makes sense, since I hardly played Beirut that night. And Rich didn't even have a guitar, so the 4% of you (just 1 vote ya see) that voted for him and his Phish-related noise complaint had to be wrong. But enough of this recappery! Go vote in the new poll!

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