2007-05-28 - 12:39 p.m.

Hi.

What's up?

Really? Good to know.

Been a while. Been a long day. Ne Mammalon Mammalon Mammalon Pas Ici Si'l Vous Plait. You know, same old, same old. Well, actually - not really the same old, same old. But I don't have time to jump into whys and wherefores. Soon enough. But not now. No, no. Tonight is for important things. Extremely important things. Like . . .

ICE CREAM!

[Prices shall be ignored as they are not current]

~ Fudge Bar: Simple, elegant, but way too thick and obstinate. And once it melts on a sunny day it looks like you just got fooled by Br'er Fox, Br'er Bear & Mitt Romney into wrestling with an extremely politically incorrect baby made of . . . um . . . a "tar-like" substance (like, "tar"). C-

~ Orange Dream Bar: I love me some Orange Dream Bar. Also, I love it. First of all. It's cold and orange. And tastes like an orange freeze. Plus vanilla ice cream. But the orange isn't just a shell or thin casing - it's thick enough to leave some impressive teeth marks (but not a fossil impression like w/ fudge bars) but thin enough to float away on a citrusy summer cloud. Did I mention that cloud is probably an orange hue? Because it is. Side Note: One time, Brad found Orange Dreamsicle Cookies at Shaws. They were the Cookie of the Week. I didn't think they could live up to such a name. They did. They were an A. But the original? A +

~ Vanilla Ice Cream Sandwich: Well. Here we are. The Ice Cream Sammich. It's tasty to be sure. But here's the problem(s): From the store to the house/work they melt way too fast. It could be the middle of January and they'd still melt. You put them in the freezer and their all soft and squishy and the ice cream is pushing out against the wrapper. AND, then when you finally eat it it's impossible to not get your fingers all stucco chocolated. And then you have to lick your fingers clean with your tongue. Your tongue. Your tongue that is covered in chocolate mush. Doesn't work so well. Plus, one time I bought some of the mint flavored ones (and yes friend, they were green) and I was so excited but then when I got home and opened them I realized they were the MINI-sandwiches. I was annoyed. But that shouldn't factor in to this treat's grade. (But secretly it will). Small extra points go for Arrested Development making me laugh when I see ice cream sandwiches now due to George & Michael Bluth's jail scenes with them. C +

~ Chocolate Sundae Crunch Um, yeah - let's just call a spade an eclair, huh? [But let's not get into that whole pastry eclair vs. ice cream eclair business, ok?] I love this ice cream bar. Outside of the ubiqitous Hoodwich, Middle School lunches frequently enjoyed one of these to cleanse the palette of some square pieces of pizza. Plus, it has crumbles. Also, I love it. A -

~ Strawberry Sundae Crunch Strawberry Eclair! First order of business, everyone gets free Strawberry Eclairs! Mayor Bee! Ok, but seriously, why did the Chocolate Eclair get an A - when I was clearly extolling it's virtus so much? Well, a.) because it makes your teeth look like a battlefield (not unlike what love is like) and most importantly, b.) it's NOT STRAWBERRY! Unlike other friend, I LOVE strawberry. Especially strawberry flavoring. If I wasn't already marrying a carrot, I'd be honored to walk down the aisle with strawberry crumbles. A +

~ Vanilla Ice Cream Bar
It's pretty simple I suppose. Vanilla. Covered in chocolate. I guess. B

~ Big Neapolitan Sandwich
Ok. I guess this Neapolitan Sandwich is pretty big. Because not only is it in the title, but it says KING SIZE all in capital letters. They mean business. BIG business. I'd eat the chocolate first. Then the strawberry second. Then vanilla to cleanse the palette. [The Palette = My Tongue]. It's pretty big. That chocolate ice cream ruins what could have been a sublime strawberry/vanilla concoction. And what the hell does Napolean have to do with the three building blocks of ice creamery? I don't know. It's pretty big though. I'll give it that. That's probably the end of big ice cream treats though. I'm almost sure of it. Seriously. B -

~ Big Dippers
Oh . . . wait. My bad. Ok, so:
Cookies & Cream: A -
Vanilla: B +
Chocolate Lovers: C +

~ Cookies & Cream
Hmmmm. It seems that we are having a family affair. I think it's quite obvious that KING SIZE Big Neapolitan and KING SIZE Cookies & Cream shacked up and had triplets known as Big Dippers. Of course, none of the strawberry carried over to the kids. Damned shame. I don't know if you knew but . . . I like strawberry. Also, I love Cookies & Cream. A lot. And this is KING SIZE! It's basically a Chocolate Eclair with less crumbles. Sadly, I rather enjoy the aforementioned crumbles. So. You know. A -

End of Part One. To be continued in . . . Part Two. (Obviously. Where the fuck else would it be continued?!)

It's been real,

Coffino

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