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Try Prying Ten Bucks From My Cold, Dead Fingers

2005-04-18 - 3:39 p.m.

Last Nightmare: Family conflict in a Montreal chinese restaurant

Listening To: Cornershop, Radiohead, Orchestre Poly-Rythmo de Cotonou Dahomey (yeah, that's right)

Quote:"Bumpa say Wha?!" - TC, "And a catchphrase is born." - Zach

Well, it's a beautiful day today. There's lots to be happy about. For realsies. Which is odd, I know. It's warm, I got my taxes back, I washed my car, DQ is open, I got the invites to the big BBBQ out this morning, Kenichi is lolling about the briar patch, the Sox keep winning, the Yankees keep losing, and Bond Beach is now charging ten dollars a pop to park. So I mean . . . WHA?! Back up. Beep, beep, beep. Bond Beach. As in, the first rope is up to your ankles, the second rope is roughly 50 feet deep. As in, there are more haunted rope swings in the Bond Beach woods than in the entire state of Iowa. As in, the birthplace of TV TAG! Ok, that last one is a stretch. But are you kidding me?! TEN BUCKS?! Lakeporterican Mammas didn't raise no collective fools. They ain't gonna be gettin' $10 from Bond Beach goers. No fucking way. If there's one thing Lakeportericans are, outside of cheap, it's crafty. They will scamper through the woods with all their coolers, chairs, and Danielle Steel novels before they pay to park their cars at a beach whose bathrooms are the most rank concrete fortresses known to man. The floors in that bathroom are made of rusty diamond stucco. And I shall tell you, flip-flops or no, that can hurt the little piggies when they're on the way to market. Uh oh - so it's gonna be one of those kinds of entries.

- ďOh, one of those kinds of entries!Ē

So yeah. Itís a nice day out. Made nicer by the fact that itís my day off. And made nicer still that Peter and Titie are having Kate and I over tonight for cheddarwurst. Oh damn. Itís only the best thing ever. Speaking of Kate eating enormous amounts of food, hereís a recent communication from her after she got the BBBQ invite for the end of May:

Ooooh party. That sounds cheddarwurstarific! Much like vegetarians need special items on airplanes, I'm going to need a special menu for this party. Specifically extra cheese and meat. Items that fall under the cheese category include (but are not limited to) cheddar cheese, brie, crunchy cheese doodles, black pepper jack chips, cheese sticks, mozzarella sticks, cheeseburgers, cheese dogs, aforementioned cheddarwurst, fondue, blocks of cheese, spray cheese, cheese dips, cheesecake and cream cheese on celery sticks. Cheese items do not include head cheese. Meat items include pepperoni slices, italian sandwiches, slim jims, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, corn dogs, beef teriyaki, steak tips, buffalo tenders, chicken (not necessarily in a biscuit) and spicy meatballs. To make it easier on you and the rest of the guests, you can set up a separate table with said items and designate it "Kate's Vittles." I'm sure everyone will understand that I have a special diet that not everyone else is used to, so it will probably be best if no one else eats my food. Just forcefully suggestiní is all.

So yeah. BBBQs have definitely been all the rage these last few sunny days. Kate and I had to babysit Todd & Rex on Friday night so Andrea and Phil could go out and celebrate her birthday with people far cooler than us. Meanwhile, over Rollinsford way, Ben and the Amazing Zoo Crew were throwing a kwazy surprise party for Titie. Except it wasn't so much of a surprise. Or really so much of a party. Which is weird, you know? Because the words, "Ben" and "surprise party" are usually such a beautiful union. Honestly, I think if Ben had taken an aptitude test in middle school it would have totally spit out, "Surprise Party Ruiner". Or maybe, "Trick Water-Skiier At Busch Gardens". I don't know. It would have been close. Honestly though, Ben has hit some real humdingers (or "hoobajoobs" in this case) out of the park. Two (out of many, many, many examples) that spring to mind are 1.) Him calling Keith to ask if the surprise party was at seven o'clock on a Friday, or six. A SURPRISE party. KEITH'S SURPRISE PARTY. I'm quite sure Mrs. Goodwin gutted Ben like a party-ruining fish for that one. And 2.) as I was being ferried to Gilford Ave for what would end up being one of my more memorable birthdays ever [if you qualify Gigi jamming your own braces into your lips as "memorable" - and I do] for what I thought was just Annie, Beth, and I hanging out, but was in reality a huge surprise party for me at the Eshelmans. So you can imagine my surprise when I see Ben loitering outside Butcher's Best as we pull up to Beth's house. Which might not sound too odd if it weren't for the fact that no self-respecting non-Woodland Heights alumni would ever catch themselves dead at Butcher's Best. Despite the catchy name. So it didn't take long for me to realize I was about to descend into Surprise Party valley. Granted, I was going to find out in about 2 minutes anyway, but the point is that weeks of preperation and communication (all under my nose! MY nose!) were thrown out the window because the Bengineer decided to chew his beef jerkey outside of Butcher's Best. So what was the point of this story? I like stories. Oh yeah. So it was Andrea and Titie's birthday on Friday and despite being in York & Rollinsford on the 15th, I really didn't see either of them on their birthday. But a bunch of other people that don't usually see them did. Isn't that ironic? [Now fill in the concluding sentence with your favorite Alanis lyric! Everyone can play! Or something!]

Saturday night saw Rich and Julie breezing into town after some offical business in Biddeford (also known as one of the most fun cities to say with a New England accent. "Bihd-ah-fid". You have to love it) Brooke and Kyle came over as well. Which was nice, as we hadn't seen them since we all moved out of Rt. 4. Or sometime around then. Aly came over briefly to be all Vegan and comic-book not remembering to bring over-y, but you expect that from her after a while. Peter and Titie joined us after they had gone out for her birthday dinner down at Crescent City (in sort of a smoosh of her birthday and their anniversary). Yeah, is that insane or what? It's already been a year since all of the fantabulous Floridian fuzzy funkitude. Wow. Time flies. So yeah, Saturday night was fun. Kyle grilled up some of his world-class cheeseburgers. (For real, they are damn tasty. You really need to work on getting yourself some.) And we played cards. All LA rules of course. Which, if I could have the floor for a quick second. What's that? I already have the floor? Perfect timing then:

Zach's Thoughts About Cards Rules
By: Zach Age: 26

Ok. Now I know you all think you know where this is going. You probably do. But, also, you probably don't. Would you like me to show you this, what is it again, new way? Ok. Here we go. You know how I play cards? I'll tell you. With LACONIA RULES. You know WHY? Because that's how I learned to play. And do you know how I walk? With my feet. You know WHY? Because that's how I learned how to walk. And until someone comes and de-ages me, binds my feet in the Japanese style and makes me re-learn how to walk all over again without the use of my toes, I'm probably going to keep walking the same way I always have. So if I don't want to play Asshole with a mildly retarded rule like "triples on doubles", and the majority of the people playing the game (who might coincidentally be from LA, or just not mildly retarded) then that, my friends, is how it's gonna shake down. No triples on doubles. Or "No trips on doubs" as Ben says. [Note: Ben has not actually, to my knowledge, ever said that, but a.) it makes me laugh making pretend he does and b.) you all know there's a good chance that one day he will] Now, all that said, if I had to go live out in the Midwest with a family of Dodos like Big Bird did when that mean ol' Miss Finch made him move away from Sesame Street, and the Dodos played some weird ass shit Dodo Rules like 3rd to President gets 3rd from Asshole's card? I would have to respect that. I wouldn't neccessarily like it, and knowing me, I'd still bitch about it. But, I'd also know that when those same Dodos came up for Bike Week or Dog Sled Racing or something, they'd have to play Laconia Rules. But seriously, TEN FUCKING BUCKS TO PARK AT BOND BEACH?! You've gotta be kidding me.

But yeah. FOX better renew Arrested Development or I'm going to punch them in face.

It's been real,


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