2004-08-04 - 10:20 a.m.

Does anyone think it's odd that every. single. time. I take a shower when I'm the only one in a house I am convinced that someone is creeping in to the house to kill me / bludgeon me / skewer me on their hook? I swear to god that whenever I'm in the shower I ALWAYS hear the doors in the house opening and closing and engines stopping and car doors slamming and chainsaws getting fired up and silencers getting clicked on to big guns that have "Kill Zach" painted on their side as a reminder to my assassin. And then I always will quicken the shower up and get out, un-fog my glasses, pop my head out the door and yell, "Hello?!" And then no one answers. And Kenichi, who's got his head stuck in a shoebox, hears my yelps and grows even more shame filled over having to live with me. I don't know. Maybe it's not that odd.

Hasn't this weather just been six shades of delightful? I think so. But I was born in the center of the Earth, so . . . you know, my opinion may be slightly skewed. Ok, so raise your hand if every single motherfucking car you drive behind lately has had a cornucopia of sticker ribbons attached to it! (Not so fast Tennessee!) I mean, I'm all for cute oversized adhesive ribbons getting plastered all over your car to show what causes you support but I guess I was absent on Ribbon Passing Out Day. Ok, so after spending the last 20 minutes digging around google I've found a helpful little guide to what each color ribbon stands for. Still doesn't tell me why I was off planet when everyone got the brainwave telling them the time/location of where to pick up their precious ribbons, but anyway . . .

Blue = Drunk Driving (opposing it I imagine)

Gold = Childhood Cancer

Gray = Diabetes

Green = (ready?) Health & Ecology, Organ & Tissue Donor, Ovarian Cancer, Missing Children, Leukemia, Childhood Depression, Safe Driving. [Ok, but seriously? I'm thinking there's enough options on the cosmic color wheel that we can spread it around a little. Imagine pulling into the grocery store parking lot and some woman comes up to you and gently squeezes your shoulder and says, "Oh sonny, I just want to say that my hubby's life was saved from an organ donor and my child was kidnapped after he suffered severe depression, so I appreciate the green ribbon." And you're just like, "Oh . . . I . . . I, um . . . I'm just a big supporter of driving the speed limit and safe driving."]

Lace (huh?) = Osteoporosis

Light Blue = Prostate Cancer, Scleroderma, and Trisomy 18. [Trisomy 18? That sounds like an undiscovered planet's moon. My apologies to anyone who's reading this and has a rather stubborn case of Trisomy 18.]

Orange = Hunger Awareness, Lupus, Racial Tolerance, Cultural Diversity. [Why can I see minorities spotting Andrea and Monique in a mall food court with this ribbon and thinking, "Good for them!" when in reality Monique and Andrea are just wanting people to be aware that they are hungry.]

Periwinkle = Pulmonary Hypertension. [Now, isn't it bad enough to be told you have pulmonary hypertension - which sounds like Super Asthma - but THEN you have to take the next punch! That your ribbon is going to be periwinkle?! Meanwhile, all the green ribbon peeps are like, "fucking spoiled brats - one whole ribbon all to themselves!"]

Pink = Breast Cancer, Birth Parents. [Um. I don't really get the Birth Parents thing. For those in support of Birth Parents? Or people who are birth parents? Person A: "I see you support Breast Cancer research." Person B: "Nope, I just had a baby though, wanna cigar?" A: "Oh maaaaan, the 'Sheer w/Gold' people are so gonna kick your fucking ass." B: "What's a 'Sheer w/Gold'?" A: "You'll see. You'll see."]

Purple = Pancreatic Cancer, Domestic Violence, Children with Disabilities, Sexual Abuse. [Ouch. If you think I'm gonna try to make a joke here, you're crazy. Way too many landmines.] {But, for thr record, had I gone through with it, you just know that the words, "Take Back The Night" would have been used.}

Red = AIDS/HIV, DUI Awareness, Substance Abuse, Epidermolysis Bullosa. [I'd just like to say that I think it's absolutely wonderful that all those celebrities go to things like the Oscars, Emmys, Arby's, etc. and so proudly show their support for Epidermolysis Bullosa.]

Red, White & Blue = Patriotism, Safety

Red & White = Leukemia & Lymphoma

Sheer w/ Gold = Lung Cancer

Silver = Children with Disabilities. [Um, hello? They already had one ribbon. What a bunch of moochers Jerry's Kids are.]

Teal = Myasthenia Gravis, Ovarian Cancer

White = Right to Life, Alzheimer's, Adoptee, Student Sexual Assault, Child Exploitation, Free Speech

Yellow = Come Home, POW/MIA, Equality, Adoptive Parent, Teen Suicide, Spina Bifida, General Cancer, Gulf War, Endometriosis, Sarcoma. [Yeah, I can remember back in '91 when my parents tied a big yellow ribbon around the tree in our front yard. Everyone assumed it was for the war, but my mom was just really paranoid about Spina Bifida. Can you blame her?]

Boy. That side rant was longer and more info-packed than usual. I think some new ribbons need to be introduced though. I think we're all on the same page here too:

Aquamarine = What the fuck is taking those NewsRadio DVD's so long to be released?

Hologram = Help Dr. Beckett find his way home.

Black & Red = Bush and Cheny are evil fuckmongers

Pork Rind Orange = Kirstie Alley isn't fooling anyone with this whole, "I'm embracing my fatness bull shit."

Dark Cyan = Don't ask me if I already took the price tag off. Of course I did. It's part of my fucking job you hellhound. Do I come to your work and ask you if you remembered to mop under the milk cooler in the gym? No? I don't? Then shut the fuck up.

Plaid = David Byrne & Maura Tierney, won't you come to my birthday BBBQ?

Speaking of BBBQ's, Ben and I went to Chad and Mackenzie's last Saturday for a slam bang shin dig. As usual, Mackenzie & Chad made sure there was enough food there for a Fortin family reunion. Lots of peeps. Couple I didn't know. Couple I hadn't seen in a looong time. You just know that celebrity couple Rich and Julie were there! They make all the hot spots! Speaking of hot spots, apparently Jeff & Amy's cars were hot. So they didn't make it. As in, they don't have A/C in their cars, so they didn't drive to Manchester. As in, either do I, and not only don't I have A/C but one of my windows is permanently in the closed position. But I'm not gonna dwell on it. Jeff and Amy have officially kicked Roy's "I already took my shoes off" off the top spot of Best Excuses ever. "It's too hot", is pretty classic. Did I get drunk at the party? Yes. Did I pass out on the couch at the party? Yes. Did I eat way more sausage than God should allow? You know I did. But Chad and I ruled the school on the Beirut table for a while, so you know, I had that goin' for me.

The day before the party, that would be Friday - also a day where the temperatures reached upward of 90-something, Andrea, Todd, Rex and I made the journey to LA and went to where they have the games people play! NO, not Jolly Jay's! FUNSPOT!! That republican bastion of evil wrapped in a candy coating of 80's video game nostalgia. But wasn't isn't nowadays? Oh man oh man was it fun. We played video games, airhockey, skee-ball, mini-golf . . . but we stopped short at frequenting the Braggin' Dragon "eatery". I mean, come on, we're not fucking CRAZY. Before we went to the Weirs though, we stopped at Patrick's and Allyson, mon cousine, was our waitress and we got to talk to Ricky for a while. How fortuitous! Andrea had to go to Laconia Electric - which was odd only because as long as I have lived I've never known anybody that's actually been inside Laconia Electric - and so I had her drop the boys and me off by my old church (awww yeah, UBC in the hiz-ouse!) and the three of us crossed that new back bridge over near the tressel so I could show the boys the top of the dam. Then we crossed over across the street (while taking in the grand majesty of the Goss Reading Room) and we climbed down towards the rope swing on the Opechee side of the dam so they could see the back/bottom of the dam. I know this doesn't sound exciting, but for an 8 and 6 year-old boy this is the life my friend. We saw some fat kid playing in the rocks by the middle part of the dam, where the water is in pools. All of a sudden he sticks his hands in the water, yanks out a huge fish and holds it skyward. "Awww yeah, this is how we catch fish in Lakeport booooyeee!", which I guess he was yelling out at nobody in particular, possibly us since we were the only ones in earshot. At first I was embarassed, but then it slowly melted into pride. You can take the Lakeporterican out of Lakeport, but . . . well, you know the rest. After the dam, and after Funspot, we went down to the boardwalk in the Weirs and we rode the bumper cars and played more video games, including going on a rollercoaster simulator. Very cool. I think the boys had a pretty good time. I know Andrea and I did, so they better have. Or no soup for them. You know - if they coveted soup or something. And I'm pretty sure they don't.

I'd love to caption this picture, "Todd and Rex having quiet reflection at the Lakeport Dam", but in reality they are having having stick races to see who can throw their stick in the dam current and have it float away into Opechee faster

Todd stares down his water bottle while Rex stalks his golf ball prey

Skee-ball: The Sport of Kings

This? This is a totally normal occurence in the daily life that is Rex

Sunday, after waking up in Manchester, Ben and I visited Nanny in Concord. Unfortunatley, 1/2 of my family had the same idea and we were there at the same time as Linda & Greg, Susie, Patrick & Sean, Terri, Sabby, and my Mom. Yeah. It was packed. Nanny was definitely anxious over all the company. She's not doing well and she's getting a little forgetful and when she has too many people at once, she gets all emotional and kinda breaks down. It's tough. She's been calling me at work a lot at night and she just starts talking to me - which is fine - but then she'll start crying. And oh my god, it just rips my entire heart into tiny little shreds. I used to be able to steer her away from/out of crying but she is just so tired of it all lately that she's been very emotionally worn down. And yet, she still ends almost all of our conversations with, "Brown, don't forget to eat more salads." You gotta love her. I think Nanny should have her own ribbon. She can have the Denim Ribbon. She enjoys a good Levi's shout-out as much, if not more, than the next person.

I'm going to be late for work. I better go. Also, I PROMISE - The looooong promised transcript of the Jon Farmer rap is the next entry and will go up within the next 2 days. Promise. As much as that's worth.

It's been real,

El Oso McNuggets

ps - The old poll, "With Spider-man 2 here, who deserves the big screen treatment next?" got a lot of votes. Mostly because I left it up there for-fucking-ever. Anyway, this was the run down - In 3rd place, (with Dottie, Gladys Knight, & Red Dunn a distant 4th, 5th, and 6th) was Mr. Coggin with 16% of the vote at 6 votes. Tied for 2nd was Toussaint "The Black Napoleon" L'Overture and Chef Chen Kenichi with 7 votes, taking 18% of the total vote each. And the grand prize winner 1st place went to CAMERON!!! He got a whopping 10 votes and won over 26% of you. I'm not surprised. He's quite the charmer. In the meantime, New Poll!

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