2004-04-05 - 6:55 p.m.

I picked up Chef Chen Kenichi off the kitchen floor yesterday morning. I can�t remember exactly why, but it must have been important at the time. Probably wanted to disclose some long forgotten state secret to him. He usually forgets them within minutes. Which, for the state�s sake, is fortunate. Anyway, I guess the reason why I picked him up isn�t as important as what happened next. The fucker gutted me. Like a god-damned fish. Like a god-damned fish you would gut. If, you know, my gut was on my upper-chest, and �gutting� someone consisted of an inch long claw mark. And in my book? It does. Oh Lord, does it. So I dropped him from about . . . oh, let�s say 6 feet up in the air. While screaming. At him. And the toaster. And whoever would listen. I don�t know if the fucker landed on his feet, because I was too busy trying to stick a cork in my sucking chest wound. I still don�t know what slung his hash in such a way that he felt the need to give me a half-ass chestomectomy. He probably remembered that time I dropped the fan on him when he wasl sleeping. Yeah. Good times . . . . . . . . . wait a minute. HE dropped the fan on ME. Fucker. Anyway. Maybe it�ll leave a cool scar. Chicks dig scars . . . right?

What - you telling me you didn�t all tune in to hear about Chef Chen�s ongoing attempts to end my life in more and more colorful fashions?! Fine then. There�s no pleasing you people. Especially Tim Curtis, who�s been calling every few hours and threatening me with a cat-o-nine-tails if I don�t hurry the fuck up and post this entry. Jeeze, you can take the boy out of the bubble, but you can�t take the bubble out of the boy.

So last weekend (not this last weekend, LAST last weekend - you know, March 26th - 28th) Monique blew into town and Rollinsford is still recovering. She wasn�t the only one to turn the Seacoast on with her smile. Indeed, we had quite the cast of characters when the dust finally cleared on Sunday morning. Or maybe it was Sunday afternoon. Who knows? Anyone worth their celery salt is usually hungover on Sunday mornings, and this weekend was no exception. I guess it all started . . . oh let�s say 26 years ago. Monique was born at LRGH, at approx. the same time as Chris Thibedou. Pretty auspicious start, eh? Then a few years passed and ESPRIT and Vaurnet got super popular, and then . . . a few years later, they weren�t so popular anymore. Then the Berlin Wall fell. The, not too long after, Monique caught the bus to Rollinsford that Friday, the 26th. As I had cautioned her not to do, she had gone out the night before (on her actual birthday) and got sloshed with a bunch of guys who really like show tunes. [Not that there�s anything wrong with getting sloshed.] So she was too hungover and missed her alarm, thus missing her bus. her story is that Misha & Nico, in wanting her to stay, shut her alarm off in the middle of the night. I�ll let the public judge which version they believe to be true. Anyway, after a protracted wait, she arrived and Portsmouth, I picked her up, and as I always tend to do when I�m driving within the confines of Pease, I promptly got lost and thrust the both of us into the middle of some Wildlife Refuge. It was all a very confusing affair and I prefer not to dwell on it. Too late. Onward . . .

Not surprisingly, less than 8 minutes had passed before Monique started asking where she �could get some grub�. I promised her a feed bag when we got to Rollinsford. We snuck into the ol' FRM real quick and stopped into the Wallakers to grab some of her birthday presents that Al-Y and Hal-Y had wrapped whilst we were stuck in a certain Wildlife Refuge that we're not dwelling on. Once back at Silver Street, Monique and Kenichi exchanged pleasantries. This mostly consists of Kenichi, eyes wide, staring at Monique while she precedes to call him, "Mugga Mogga, Koony Keeky, Conifer Treetree, etc. etc." Kate come over a couple hours later (she heard food would be involved, so she penciled herself in) and we waited for Monique's mom (who from here on will be refered to as either "Mix" or "the Mix") and sister-in-law, Sarah. When we were all there, and after Ben and the Mix shared This Old House tips, and Monique paraded around in the "gown" that her Mix made her for Pedro's impending wedding, we were off to La Festa. Which is quick becoming our new favorite "bring the friend from out of town" restaurant. We figured if it was good enough for Fred, it was good enough for the Mix and her entourage.

After dinner we met up with Al-Y at Dover Bowl and decided to get our cosmic freak on, like so many times before (and then some). But there was a wait. So our cosmic freak on would have to cool its jets for a bit. But soon enough, it was time for us to bowl. We had 7 of us on one lane, so it took a while to bowl one string, but oh the fun we had. Want me to prove it? How about some fun pictures? Alright then . . .

The Once and Future Birthday Girl takes pause after, no doubt, a stupendous spare to help show off her ribbon, which, dear reader, you should know reads, "It's My Special Day!"

Al-Y celebrates (in satanic fashion I will add) another in a long line of strikes. Ben looks on approvingly. He's probably approving the fact that Al-Y has more taste than to wear one of those fucking annoying "Gettin' Lucky In Kentucky" shirts. I'm sorry, but when Paris Hilton starts dictating your fashion sense, you might as well just stick your head in an oven with a sign that says, "No Funeral" taped to your back. That's what's good about Al-Y. She's low rent, but she's tastefully low rent!

Here's a real shocker folks. Kate is drunk. No? Well then look at Exhibit A to your left (empty beer pitcher) and Exhibit B to your right (empty beer cup) and lest we forget, the all important Exhibit C - Kate making a butterfly with her hands.

So yes, I sucked an unusual amount of ass in my bowling skillZ and as usual, K. Bedford and B. (Watch out for my trick curve ball throw when I bowl! Except it's not much of a "trick" since I use it EVERY FUCKING TIME) Walden won and everyone else just cried in their soup. If we had soup. Maybe that's why we were crying. Oh no, wait, we were crying since we lost. But that brings up an important point: I'd like some soup.

Sarah and the Mix (who was also a bit of a Cosmic Bowling HustlA) left after a few strings, and while we had a brief visit from Brooke & Kyle, Matt & Shannon, and KP & Mike (who were staying at Shannon's), it was too crowded for them all to bowl and they left after a while themselves. But it was fun fun fun. Even if Monique didn't get any steak.

Ok - so ready? Here we go:

Saturday morning started like most parties always start: Monique, in a lawn chair, eating leftover pizza. We'd been cleaning all week and the place looked mighty fine if I do say so myself. Now, since I don't feel like having to stop myself in the narrative every time someone shows up at the party, I will just give a quick rundown of everyone who made it (and then those who didn't - but don't worry, they get their own special part - oh don't worry Eldridge, you come off smelling like roses).

The participants in Monique's (Not Quite A) Surprise Party 2004: Ben, Myself, Kenichi, Monique, Rick, Fred, Shannon & Matt, Brooke & Kyle, KP & Mike, Hannah S. & Brian, Annemarie (the artist formerly known as "Annie"), Beth, Rachel, Andrea (with Todd & Rex), Kelly & Jim, Roy, Hayley, Bryan, Kate, Jeff & Amy, Jeff's brother Mike, Lemos, Al-Y, Shannon H., Rich & Julie, Chad, Keith & Jen (with Becca & Kobe), My Mom & Don, and Ben's boss Ken (with wife Judy and daughter Sarah[?])

Ok, I don't think I left anyone out. But then there were the ne'er-do-wells that didn't show up! The list is short, true, but infamous. #1. Hannah E. - I'll give her the excuse that she was going to be home on bookending weekends to the party, and three weekends in a row home from Boston is excessive . . . BUT, she could have called me before the DAY OF THE PARTY to inform me of this. Plus, her absence made Hayley cry. And it made Baby Jesus cry. And those are just two people whose tears you do not want on your conscience! #2. Justin, Renee, Cameron, et al. Ok. I can't blame Renee and Cameron on this one, since they are just loving (if not unwitting) accomplices to Justin. But I'll let the teeming masses decide if they believe Justin's story: "I got out of work at 4, came home, with every intention of going to the party, and then accidentally fell asleep until 10 o'clock, and then it was too late to come to the party." Riiiiight. #3. The worst, and most repeat, offender of them all: Mad Dog. People scoffed when I said he was coming. "Oh scoff!", they scoffed! And I didn't blame them. BUT, Mad Dog ASSURED me he was coming, since he and Karen had just gotten engaged and wanted to see everyone and I asked him if it was DEFINITE since my mom was going to bring them an engagment present if they were definitely coming. Oh yes, he said, it's definite. Well, around 6 o'clock on Saturday I give him a call and he tells me that, "Karen is still doing crafts with her family and we'll leave when she gets home." Becase, you know, it's not like he could have come down FOR THE ENTIRE DAY WITHOUT KAREN. Now, I have nothing against Karen, hell I've only met her once. But Mad Dog is gonna sit in the house ALL DAY while she's doing crafts instead of just coming down on his own? Anyway, he keeps insisting to me he's still coming and then calls back at slightly past 7 and says, "We're leaving Gilford in 5 or 10 minutes." And friends, we're still waiting for him to this day. Here's a clue for you Dog: Saying you're leaving Gilford in 5 or 10 minutes really only buys you about an hour of time before you have to talk to me again. Can't say it was the most thought-out plan in the world. Good - serves him right that Duke lost.

God, is anyone else bored to tears with this entry yet? So far it's winning the award for most unfun entry I've ever written. It's all talk talk talk blah blah name name. Ugh. I'm sorry. This always happens when everyone wants to read a "I want to read what happened at an event I was/wasn't at and see if I'm mentioned/what I missed" entry. And then I get fuckwads who tell me they are the shittiest entries I write because they're boring and too "inside." Whatever. I'll just run down some things, and then update this entry again when I get some pictures of the party from all you mofos who are taking forever sending me pics.

-- That faint tinkling sound you could hear at the party was fire slowly turning into ice 100 miles below, in Hell, over the fact that Rick and Kelly were not only both at my house, but at the SAME TIME. [edited to add: the joke here isn't that Rick & Kelly have never been in the same place at the same time, but that they were both in MY HOUSE at the same time, when just ONE of them in the house would have been monumental enough]

-- Perhaps you noticed in the above list that I said ANNIE AND BETH were there. Yeah. I don't have to reference them in code in my entries anymore since the party has finally come and gone and everyone knows they were there. See, way back when, end of January, early February maybe, when I started talking it up with the two of them and we decided they were coming to the party, it was decided that we'd keep it on the disabled list that they were coming. More of a surprise you see. Well . . . I think it worked. People were definitely surprised. Hell, I think Annemarie and Beth were surprised that they were there themselves. {I'm sorry Annie, I tried, I just can't bring myself to keep typing Annemarie. I'm . . . I'm just not ready yet. Maybe one day.} Anyway, I think some of the people that were supposed to be the most suprised (read: excited) to see the two of them were . . . well, let's say they weren't . . . so much. While others were happy as pigs in jello and I think those that took advantage of the fact that they were there were quite happy they did. In the end. There - is that clear at all? No? Good.

-- The first half of the party consisted of Annie & Beth, Rich & Julie, Monique - pretty much all of the smokers I guess - holding court on the porch and acting as the receiving line for when people would show up. I'm sure it made things more awkward then originally planned. Later, the porch turned more into a coffee clatch royal court for my mother, who, champagne in hand, would sit there and talk with all the girls about girl things and things that girls talk about. Every few minutes the gaggling on the porch would be punctuated by some uproarious laughter. Probably talking about tampons. That's girls for you.

-- There were 2 tables of Beirut going downstairs as well as cards. And what's significant is that I played exactly 1 game of cards (Up & Down the River) and 1 game of Beirut. The low count on games was very unexpected, but I suppose should have been assumed, since I knew I was going to try to see/talk to as many people as possible.

-- I know at some point, Roy & Jeff got into a peanut fight. The reasons behind still remain a mystery. But if i was a betting man, I'm guessing it all started with a drunk Jeff deciding he liked the idea of throwing peanuts around. Another thing that Jeff seemed to enjoy doing was planting a small plastic frog in our bathroom. A small plastic frog with an oversized penis. A small plastic frog with an oversized penis that my MOTHER found and brought out of the bathroom screaming, "Zach! What the hell is this all about?!" Yeah. That Jeff.

-- Unidentified, although, you'd be a fool to think Monique wasn't somehow the ringleader, Persons HIDING boxes of GIRL SCOUT COOKIES around the house so they could EAT THEM LATER. Hmmm, sounds a little bit like the Albany pizza episode now doesn't it?

-- An exchange between Rick & Zach, after Zach comes up from the basement and approaches Rick in the living room:

-- In the midst of Strip Beirut, Monique telling Fred, "Don't worry Fred, that's just where the angel kissed my tummy," about her birthmark. Because, you know a.) she had her shirt off, thus making it possible to even see her birthmark and b.) she seemed to think it was worrying Fred Robie immensely. I can't blame her. Fred gets worried reading Marmaduke.

-- Annie wanting to "order out" for Indian Food since she "couldn't find anything to eat upstairs", despite there being about 927 lbs. of food to pick from. She was upset because she claimed I promised her a Vegan cornicopia of food. I never promised any such cornicopia! Well, admittedly, I thought there'd be more Vegan treats, but Justin never showed, remember? Remember that time Justin never showed? Yeah. But there was lots of vegetables and vegetable type dip things. You know? And it's not my fault Shan-Y didn't bring any hot house corn. Anyway, apparently Al-Y's vegan cookies and cupcakes weren't enough for Annie, and she eventually decided on eviscerating Andrea's basket of quesidillas instead. I've seen lesser people fall for those delicious quesads.

-- After the party slimmed down later in the night, and after such illustrious albeit brief appearances from Hal-Y and Bryan via the Wallakers, most people went home. It was understandable that the Boston/LA/Manch/Concord people needed to leave early, or the people that had to work the next morning, or the people who were so inebriated that it was in there best interest to leave, went home early, but it was a . . . shame that some of the more local color had to leave so early. Oh well, it was still quite fun. The overnighters included Annie, Beth, Rachel, Fred, Rick, Kate, Monique, Ben, & Kenichi.

-- We (Monique, Rachel, Annie, Beth, and myself) went to Friendly Toast for breakfast Sunday morning, and despite a snafu with Annie's order involving garlic & goat cheese (mmmmm . . . sounds delicious huh?), everything went rather swimmingly, and disecting the party always makes for a fun Sunday morning. And we got to go buy new music at Bull Moose too. Isn't that fun?

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All in all, it was quite the fun weekend. Monique ended up going back with Rachel to Boston and taking the bus from there to NYC. Annie and Beth came back to the house and we took lame pictures in front of the house while Chef Chen lurked about. The whole weekend was a great time and hopefully we'll be able to throw something comprable this summer. Indeed, the whole affair was quite weird. I can't say I've been to a social gathering that had Keith, KP, Hayley, & Beth at it before. Yeah, doesn't happen too often. Frankly, I think some of us expected the party to be far more scarring than it was. Emotionally, not physically. But it wasn't. For the most part. But it's ok if it was a little scarring. Chicks dig scars . . . right?

It's been real,

Abe Sapien

ps - the poll will be updated tomorrow, along with updates as to how prescient it was, or was not.

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Pictures from the Party!!! (added 05/02/04)

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