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Just Another Manic Sunday

2004-02-26 - 9:44 p.m.

Secret Word: Payback

Listening To: Dylan, Johnny Cash, Santana

Quote: "I was drunker than a horse in a drunk tank!" - Monique

You know. An I-don't-have-to-run Day.

You might have heard a rumor. A RUMOR. A rumor that I worked on Sunday. In fact, a rumor that I worked two Sundays in a row. Something that hasn’t happened since the days of Frederick Robspierre. Well . . . the rumor’s are true. And what a time of it I had. Or should I say “we” had. Yes, that’s right, the soon-to-be dearly departed (to Boston) Hannah has worked her last Sunday at the Wallakers. (As long as you don't count next Sunday. But second-to-last Sunday doesn't sound as dramatic) How’d it go? Were there highs? Lows? Creamy middles? Were there monsters? Read on to find out . . . IF YOU DARE!! {Although, I can tell you right now, there were no monsters.}


On February 22, 2004 from the hours of Noon to 6 PM, Hannah and Zach reported to duty in the salt mines known as "the Wallakers". They kept the time by Zach's cell phone and their sanity by constantly plucking the hair out of small children's skulls. Ok. No. But they wanted to.

12:04 Zach: As if things aren't bad enough with us working on the Sabbath, but I just opened the gate and a flood of children washed in and I was almost knocked down by the precocious deluge. (Notice how I got to use deluge AND flood?)

12:06 Hannah: It's not my Sabbath.

12:07 Z: While Hannah wastes the day on personal sewing projects on her wardrobe, I'm forced to deal with the cosmic paradox of having one of my favorite families and least favorite families in the store at the SAME time. (Al-Y, Shannon, Hal-Y, you know who I speak of with the "least favorite" designation.) Well, off to fix the marionettes.

For probably the 1st of 173 times today.

12:14 Z: I'm curious if Hannah knows she's wrapping a present for Edith Wharton. One would think she'd be too busy 1.) writing about Mythology and 2.) being dead, to have time to shop for doll house furniture.

12:something H: Zach's heisted the approved time-telling device.

12:17 H: I’ve given up on sewing for now - no needle - and have rolled up my sleeves.

12:27 H: I did know it was Edith Wharton. That’s why I took care with the ribbon.

12:30 Z: The gorgon that just waited on me at CVS started yelling at a mentally deficient (my mom doesn’t let me say “retarded”) customer, then tried to overcharge me for the Sunday Globe, and then, AND THEN, “accidentally” opened my water, AND THEN, realizing what she did, exclaimed, “Don’t worry. It’s fine. It’s not like I drank from it.”

12:43 Z: Please tell me you caught that member of The Cure trying to play Gobblet!

12:45 H: A.) I did B.) Zach stopped to write that down before bagging something. C.) I feel dizzy.

12:51 Z: I’m going in to wrap - Cover me!

12:57 Z: You know . . . you didn’t really cover me. Anyway, it’s the customers that do admit they broke something that makes me appreciate the honesty and not charge them for it, while it’s the customers that break shit and then stuff it somewhere that makes me just want to hunt them down and stab them with a tuning fork.

1:00 H: How is one even supposed to cover you while wrapping? Douse you with ribbon? Shout “Nothing to see here!”? Pre-cut your tape?

1:05 Z: I’m going to move away from what’s already being known in some circles as “the wrapping imbroglio”. Instead, I’d like to comment on current events for a second, and I’m going to try to say this as eloquently as possible: Ralph Nader Can Eat Shit And Die. Ok. Ok. Ok . . . no. No. No, wait - yes. Yes he can. I’m not big on football analogies, but you can’t join the game at the end of the season and try to win, while everyone else has played the whole year. You threw the game last time and I’ll be damned if he’s going to try to do it again. I hardly think there’ll be any Republicans swayed to vote for Darth Nader. Fuckin’ Nader. And now I’ve just been informed I need to haul a train table outside to a customer’s car. And it’s snowing. Stupid Sunday.

1:20 H: I agree. Nader has overestimated his own glory. A legend in his own mind kind of thing. And I hope those naive Nader kids just buy into the system and get Bush and his evangelical ways out of damn office. Zach, is there really a train table going out?

1:26 Z: Oh ho ho! I would not joke about such things. You shall soon see that the train table is quite the reality. Unlike a unicorn - which is not. And unlike the 20 Questions ball - which is the Devil.

1:37 H: One question (not 20): Wouldn’t the Devil know about Pad Thai?

1:51 Z: One would think the Devil would be intimately familiar with Pad Thai. Well, now that I’ve crated that train table out, I hope I’ve made a believer out of you! Also - Good GOD Woman, how did we go this long without turning on the A/C?!?!

Mmmm . . . Pad Thai. I mean, uh . . . what's Pad Thai?

2:03 Pros and Cons for Lunch:

McDonald’s Pro: It’s McDonald-licious - Hannah Con: You said, “Oh God! No!” when I first mentioned it - Hannah

Au Bon Pain Pro: It’s good for you - Zach Con: Expensive - Zach & Hannah

Taco Bell Pro: Cheap - Zach & Hannah Con: It’s Taco Bell - Hannah (Although, their bean . . . stuff is surprisingly good. Although . . . it kind of . . . lumps - Hannah)

Roman Delight Pro: Cheap. And pretty yummy - Hannah Con: Pizza seems reheated - Hannah. Employees seem sketchy - Zach

Dunkin’ Donuts Pro: Breakfast . . . for lunch! - Zach Con: Breakfast . . . for lunch! - Hannah

China Court Pro: The employees are hotter than Roman Delight’s - Zach Con: Vlech! It seems gross - Hannah

Sakkio Pro: The seaweed salad - Zach (Which is illegal if they collected it in New Hampshire between the tidelines. Though, I am almost positive they did not - Hannah) Con: Their hats are very tall - Zach

Pretzel Time Pro: They have that neat hot dog in a pretzel - Hannah Con: I don’t eat hot dogs - Hannah. Star, the major domo of P-Time, and I don’t get along - Zach

Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory Pro: Chocolate! - Hannah (said with arms flailing in Kermit the Frog type fashion) Con: Tres expensive and too messy - Zach. Oh yeah, and the employees are weird - Hannah

Ann Taylor Loft Pro: Proximity to the Wallakers - Zach Con: They don’t, so much, have food - Hannah

2:39 H: Zach returns from hunting / gathering at Subway, which, we forgot to rate.

2:41 Z: How the hell did I forget Subway? It’s so . . . right there! Just sitting there. Laughing at me. I stopped in to Suncoast on my way to the Food Court (or Food Festivale if you’re proper) and they had Aqua Teen Hunger Force figures, which just angered me that they didn’t have Sealab 2021 or Brak Show figures. And, for the record, I despise Ashton Kutcher. Also, for the record, I’m wearing a sweatshirt! Quelle scandale!

2:58 H: Upon reflection, I don’t want to insult the Nader kids by calling them naive. I’m all about voting for whom you want to be the president. I want a 3rd (+ 4th!) party but when you’re up against the Devil you have to think within the system. That’s all. And I’m hungry. ps - The Devil being bush, not the 20 Questions ball.

But, for the record, I'm against Gay Marriage too. See, you always think you know the Devil and then *BAM!* I surprise ya!

3:01 Z: Upon reflection, I think I shouldn’t have applied cherry chapstick right before eating lunch. It gave my sub a faint cherry taste. And smell. I suppose I should also take this opportunity to state that 20 Questions, or 20Q as it’s called is, as we have stated, The Devil. For one simple reason: It’s an inanimate object that can READ MINDS!!! Seriously. Seriously. It can guess, through simple questions [such as: Is what your thinking of bigger than a microwave? Can it be used in the office? Can you find it in a zoo? and of course, the ever popular, Are there any songs written about it?] that you are thinking of such normal things as socks, protractor, or x-ray technician! BUT, it has also correctly guessed love, atom bomb, unicorn, velociraptor, SOUL(!), komodo dragon, and Ben Walden’s Halloween Costume in 1983. Ok. Not so much that last one. And it seems to have a bug in which is likes to guess “cricket bat”, “katana blade” and “urethra” when you are not thinking of those things at all. I’m not kidding. Urethra. Frea-ky.

3:08 Z: I’m bored. Hannah’s still at the Food Court and all these insidious pregnant women keep looking at me funny. Now I’m scared. And I can hear the wolves from off in the not-so-distant distance. It’s probably just the Ann Taylor Loft employees.

3:34 H: Dang, I ALWAYS miss the howling of Ann Taylor. Three things from my trek to McD’s: 1.) I heard some girl’s ear being pierced. Just a muffled click of metal against flesh. Ow. 2.) At McD’s there is a sign saying, “This is Black History” with some smiling faces and some stats of, I guess, the number of African-Americans working at McDonalds. What?! Fast food? This makes even less sense than those 30 sec. “salutes” from the TV networks. Is there a black person anywhere warmed by this? Does this make sense to anyone? 3.) They have Medium, Large, and Super-Size. Why? WHY?! That’s it.

3:56 Z: Man, there’s a lot of friggen’ Germans around here lately, isn’t there? It seems like every shift I’ve worked lately has got some German family bumbling their way into the store and clucking, shtrompfing, and auf weidersehning themselves all over the Playmobil. Mmmmmm . . . all this talk of Germans makes me want cake. Black Forest Cake. Or Schwarzfeldenkirschtorten as our German friends call it.

4:18 Z: Do you have anything to say? H: No.

4:19 Z: Hannah and I have been trying to figure out the identity of the Adversary in Fables and I’ve been pouring over the first 2 trades for clues, but to no avail. Plus, we just saved the mole puppet (and his sensitive snout) from near death at the hands of some snotty kid. He is very grateful.

4:24 Mole: Mole here. Thanks.

4:37 Z: Ah, good times. Good times. Hannah was just relating to me a story about two old women who came in to the Wallakers and asked if the Sheriff still worked here. Oh that Sheriff! She was so . . . so . . . what’s the word I’m looking for here? Oh yes - a Fucking Jackass. In happier news, we just introduced Kitty the Snail puppet to Peru the Mole puppet. Hannah enjoys making them collide whilst singing, “Strangers in the Night.”

4:48 H: Hannah here. I do.

5:00 Z: A little boy just mistook Hannah for some woman he claims works at the “Health Center” - wherever the hell that is. He said the girl at the “Health Center” looked just like Hannah and Hannah had to insist that she was not this mysterious Hannah-esque “Health Center” femme fatale. He claimed that the girl he knew had the same hair, the same glasses, and the same snail puppet. I find this little boy highly suspicious. And his sister seems to be some sort of mute.

5:02 H: AUGH! The kids were sweet. But their father! (or male adult) GAH! Firstly, he asks if he can get some of our wooden letters in “an F, a U, a C . . . and K Mart is having a sale!” Ha! Very funny sir! Second, he says, “You ever seen one a those shirts with ‘FCUK’ on them?” Like they were the best thing this guy had seen since he learned that word. The epitome of wit, those shirts. {wait for it} I HATE those oh so clever it’s-almost-a-swear-word classless shirts. (My apologies to one of my closest friends Nina, who proudly owns one.) I saw a FCUK flagship store and I felt like going in and saying, “P.S. - We GET It!” Anyway, that’s the story. Apparently I have a snail-loving clone.

5:28 Z: Aww. Sad. What a pseudo-swear filled way to the almost the end of the day. It’s almost the end of the show! You know? Like on Sifl & Olly? You know? Nevermind. My Clone High mix CD that Andrea made last February is all scratched up because a certain roommate of mine that likes to hang out in the basement squishing his toes in the wet cement didn’t take good care of it! Damn him! Oh well. Andrea said she reburn it for me.

5:44 H: Well, goodnight Gracie! I sure hope I get my own spin-off!

5:46 Z: Well. I finally remembered to clean off Register 2 of all the plastic suction cup nubbins that bryan “removed” from the squishy balls. I didn’t think Jim would be thrilled about seeing that in the morning. Also - it seems as if I lost my ATM card. Again. Fuckin’ great. Well, here’s hoping Hannah’s pilot gets picked up this fall!


Jesus: It is as it was.

It's been real,

Agent 828

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<-- Back to the Salt Mines! - Onward, to the Bee-Mobile! -->

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