2004-01-12 - 10:56 p.m.

Ok. Is everyone present and accounted for? Yes? I want to see everyone's hands. Yes, both of them. It's a new year. No time for slackers. For the love of God, Lynn? LYNN? Can you please poke Tony Brown and wake him up and tell him we're ready to start. And while you're at it . . . you might as well find out if he even brought his math book. Wait . . . do we really want to start 2004 with a super obscure Ms. Bean reference? Yes. Yes, I believe we do.

Then again, the only thing that's better than a Miss Bean joke is a . . .

MURDER MYSTERY SPONSERED BY J.B. FLETCHER!!!!

[Peanut Gallery: Seriously? This is what we waited almost a whole fucking month for?]

Hello old friend, Jessica Fletcher here, straight from Cabot Cove, Maine and fresh from another A&E marathon. You know A&E, the network that thought it would be prudent to take NewsRadio off the schedule and replace it with my leathery mug and 9 hours of Biography a day? Ain't it grand? Anywho, I've been hired by a mysterious stranger known only as "Hinemo" to find out what the hell happened to Zach. Has he been murdered by one of the malcontents on his laundry list of enemies. Chances are. Let's examine some clues, shall we?

~ The Case Of The UnHappy Frappy ~

It's been reported that on the 19th day of December, Zach joined Phil & Andrea on a trip to Portland, ME to partake in a Guster concert. But this was no ordinary Guster concert, oh no! This was a special Guster concert! How special? Just special enough that they didn't play most of the songs that Zach wanted to hear. But it's well known that he was appeased due to the fact that the band played their cover of Talking Heads' "(Nothing But) Flowers". It's also been reported that Zach is mildly (to put it mildly) fond of said Talking Heads. He had a few "drinks aboard", as the locals say, so he probably enjoyed it even more exuberantly than when he saw them perform the song back in July at the free show, which was also in Portland. The band was filming their DVD on this night which would make you think they would have catered more to Zach's tastes. Because as we all know, when Zach laughs, the world laughs with him, and when Zach pees, the world recoils back in sheer horror with him. So, are there any suspects here? Well, not really. The only two there could be, and this is quite a stretch, would be Howie Day, who Zach, Phil & Andrea saw eating shrimp cocktail in a hotel lounge before he opened for the show and then there's the bartender that was in Zach's section.

So let's review:

Howie Day: For letting his public see how he lives (and assuming that Zach would fall into the category of "Howie Day's public")

Bartender: For having her chest ogled by Zach every time he went for a drink, despite the obviousness that she was a militant lesbian. Even if she was kind of a cute militant lesbian.

Here I am in Hawaii on some leisure time from solving all of the ridiculously high amounts of murders in Cabot Cove. Hell, you'd almost think I was the one commiting all the murders wherever I go. I mean, fuck dawg, seriously, I'm like a fucking One Stop Shopping Grim Reaper. I'm a fucking female riverboat captain on the River Styx. Anyway, oddly enough, there were no murders while I was in Hawaii. But day-UM did that Thomas Magnum lei me that first night I was there! Oh don't be gross, I just meant that we had wall breaking, quadruple orgasmic intercourse.

~ The Case Of The Common MEN ~

Two days before Christmas, which this year fell on the 23rd, Zach arranged a meeting of the feeble-minded to meet at Ben's house on Shore Drive and to then go forth and multiply. And by "multiply" he meant, "drive to The Common Man and have nice drinks and snacks and have fun that is funny". You know, like a bunch of them did back on Easter Weekend.

Well this time, after inviting many of the peeps and stressing mightily about it all working out, the rag-tag army turned around and met up at Ben's. TC, Jimbo, Rick, Rich, Ben, Zach, Chad & Mackenzie and Jon (I know, for real, like, Jon? I mean, oh my god, for real! Excuse me, I seemed to have slipped from my Maine accent to my Valley Girl accent. Won't let it happen again. ) I suppose this case could also be called The Case Of Why Girls Have No Balls. Why's that? Well, with the exception of Mackenzie, God bless her, all the other girls ditched out. Brooke had a valid excuse, I guess since she was in New Jersey. But from the interviews I've conducted with various, "sources that asked not to be identified", Shannon's excuse was that she was "tired", Molly's was that she was "tired from driving" (yes, the same Molly that was purported to have mass e-mailed everyone before the holiday about meeting up) and Monique's was that she was, "all the way in Gilmanton knitting candle holders with her mother in all their grand nudity." Whatever the hell that means. At least Queen of Excuses, Andrea "I Already Took My Shoes Off" Roy was still in Boston, which was also considered a valid Get Out Of Jail Free Card - this also saved Kelly and Rachel. Stephanie, who I was told during my investigation, hasn't spoken to another human being in 13 years, was thought to have been bobbing in the middle of Winnisquam kept afloat merely by a crude raft made out of her own fingernails, some chewing gum, and a flyer for Story Land. Yes, as they say in the current bubblegum vernacular, THAT OLD CHESTNUT! I was told after Zach psychotically hunted down a large enough table for the party of what eventually became 11 (due to friends of the ever-popular Rich showing up), everyone had a fine time drinking, hearing tales of daring-do from the Bruin State, a.k.a. - California, with reports being filed from San Diego (Jimbo), San Francisco (TC), and Los Angeles (Jon) (I know! Jon! For real!) After finding out about the secret sex lives of the Common Man waitstaff and Jeff Morgan, we all made our way back to that city by the lakes itself, Laconia. This is where we said goodbye to Chad & Mack, who made their way back to Manch, but in return we picked up Juice interactions inside Goodfellas as well as a Don Pickowiz sighting. I still stand by the trade. (Which is better than any of the trades Danny Ainge has made lately) Ha! I bet you didn't think an ol' broad like Jessica "Boobs" Fletcher kept up with any sport outside of curling! What?! What did you think J.B. stood for? Anyway, one by one, people began to leave Goodfellas as last call approached and passed. EXCEPT FOR JON & ZACH. You see, Zach was put in charge of getting Jon home, since his Dad lives near Gilford Ave now. Well, ol' Jonny Boy had a few drinks in him and decided to talk up every Tom, Dick, and Katie Roache he ran into. Ok, but honestly, who can blame him on the Katie Roache thing? Even ol' Jessica Fletcher would try to court that philly. Is that what you kids say these days? I can't say I would have drunkenly waltzed with crazy Laurel. But that's just the conservative Cabot Cover in me. Oh, that reminds me! My pool boy, Julio, is coming to Cabot Cove this weekend. So, you know . . . if any of you are going into town . . . can you pick me up some lube . . . for my PUSSY! Anyway, so let's review the suspects:

Shannon: For calling her and waking her up when Zach wanted her to come out and meet them at the bar.

Molly: For Zach eating the last blueberry muffin and blaming her, thus justly earning the wrath of her father.

Monique: For exposing her naked matriarchal knitting hobby to the world.

Juice: Because seriously, when is Juice not fucking bat shit pissed off at something, and honestly, I think he still has a lot of unresolved issues about that whole, "Slaughterhouse" business. I mean, wouldn't you? But shit dawg, it's not like Zach was the one who threw all of his pool furniture in the pool that time - wasn't that Nick Perry or some shit? Did I just make up Nick Perry? No . . . he was real. I'm sure of it.

Mr. & Mrs. Moreau: Dude, some of my Cabot Cove contacts have had their collective ears to the ground and tell me that they are still super mega pissed about Zach breaking their screen door at that party Jimbo had in Concord years ago. Despite the fact that it was actually Mark Hughes that broke the screen door in question.

Here I am with my old friends Oldy McOlderson and Claire Huxtable. Oldy always would bore us with his tales of incontinence and Claire would go on and on about that time Cliff ate all that food before bed and then had that trippy dream where all that muppet food was in the fridge talking to him. And how Theo was dyslexic and how Denise was just a cheap slut. And how she had a preminition that Rudy would go on to star in Celebrity Mole: Yucatan. Damn that Claire. Bitch is CLAIRvoyant! Get it? 'Cause her NAME is Claire and she . . . oh fuck you, ok? I'm 106 years old and the only available action for me anymore comes from Henry Gibson accidentally rubbing up against my swollen thighs. Don't judge me! Don't you dare fucking judge me!

~ The Case Of The Fignuts & Meat Pie ~

So where the fuck are we anyway? Oh, we're FINALLY to Christmas? God damn. Did I mention yet that pretty much everyone I talked to in this never-fucking-ending investigation has a motive to kill Zach? Seriously. Fucker is not well liked. Especially this former Sheriff living in Kittery. Really wants to see Zach dead. But apparently this former law enforcement agent is too busy watching Queer As Folk Marathons to do anything about it. Moving on . . .

So Christmas came, and after a rare, but nevertheless brutal, fight with his Dad on Christmas Eve, Zach awoke to the backache and smokey smell of Christmas Morn. He got Sopranos Season 4, Alias Season 2, books, music, clothes that are for totally different races (specifically AFRICAN-AMERICAN), and what not and so forth. Christmas day was spent at his Aunt Linda's on Liberty Hill, home to luminaries such as Jack Garneau, G.E.K. (who, as of this writing, I'm pretty sure is alive), and of course, Jimbo's grandmother Rita. Jimbo was having Christmas at his grandmother's at the bottom of the hill and would meet up with Zach later that night. But first, Zach managed to treat Brad with more civility than he thought he could manage during Christmas and it was to his chiggity-chagrin when he found out that his tires were worn to within centimeters of their lives, as pointed out by his Uncle Greg and his cousin Tom, who themselves are mini-celebrities in LA this week, thanks to their meeting Joe Lieberman when he came to visit Belknap Tire. For reals!

See?! I told you. I do my research. Fuck yes I do. Anyway, so Christmas at Linda's was not incredibly eventful. The grandchildren, for the most part, each spent time with Nanny, who was laid out on the couch, her head wrapped with her fashionable scarf, wrap, handkerchief, turban, whatever the heck it is, while sporting hospital masks since she was SURE she was gonna catch something from one of them. Though, knowing Zach's family, she was probably smart to do so.

Zach kinda bounced around from place to place for the rest of the afternoon after leaving Linda's. He didn't have the Culkin's to crash as he usually does and Ben had warned him it was gonna be a New Zealand fun fest at his place. Later on, Zach met with Jimbo at the always-in-the-news Belknap Tire and the two of them made a dastardly daring plan to show up at the Eshelman's for a holiday pop-in. {"You know how I feel about pop-ins!" - Monique} Jimbo and Zach were reportedly nervous about the whole plan and almost called it off several times, knowing that their history of "swinging by the Eshelman Homestead" was checkered at best. The most famous of which is when they arrived in the sporty little red coupe on New Year's Eve '94 en route from the craziness that had just unfolded at the Ganong's in the Weirs and heading towards Mike Burns' house. They were merely going to see if Beth wanted to join them and the next thing they knew, Jimbo's keys had been frisked away from him by Mrs. Eshelman and they were forced to spend the night. Maybe this explains all the weird dreams. Then again - maybe not. Anyway, after talking with Jimbo, I found out that the visit to Gilford Ave went far better than either he or Zach thought, and that as different as Andi and Beth may think they are than when they were in high school, Jimbo & Zach for that matter too - old skins are very easy to slip back into at a moments notice. Besides, I've been told that it was cathartic for Zach to actually communicate with Beth after the total debacle of not-quite-starting-over this past Spring. As evidenced here and here.

After the visit with Beth and Andi, James B. Moreau and Zach made their way to Andrea "Want to get some free movie tickets?" Roy's and met up with Ben and TC. They feasted on Meat Pie that had been slaved over by Ellen Giguere herself and made Irwin Zone related jokes at the expense of Roy's mom. They also did their best to ignore Mr. Deeds, which was playing on the television in front of them.

So that was Christmas. Eventful, huh?

Let's review:

Brad: Had the motive due to getting Zach a SeaLab 2021 Fignuts shirt for a present while Zach got him nothing but his icy disapproval of almost every decision Brad has made for the last 5 months.

Wayne: Beth's Dad was more than likely awoken rudely from his Christmas slumber due to Zach's booming voice. At least that's what Andi would have you believe.

Roy: Because Zach still hasn't gotten back to her about whether he's interested in free movie tickets.

Santa Claus: Because Zach left him a glass of Half & Half and a moldy pear to eat on Christmas Eve.

Yup, this is me back in my heyday! And by "heyday", I mean when I was a sprightly 87! Anyway, this painting was commisioned back when I was in that legal battle to name my autobiography, "My Adventures With Bedknobs And Broomsticks!", but much to my dismay, a young girl named Audra had already reserved that title and I was forced to use, "Meddling Old Bat", my 2nd choice instead.

~ The Case Of The State Of Connecticut Sucks Ass, Just Saying Is All ~

One of Zach's last known social outings was in New York City, where he Ben, after some last minute planning, spent New Year's with Monique. Ben hadn't been to the city since he was 8 and Zach hadn't been since waaaaaaayyyyy baaaaaaack in . . . March. Lots has changed since then. Zach and Co. found out the Brett was the prick that they had assumed he wasn't, which came as nothing short of shocking. Seriously. No sarcasm there. Seriously. They were actually duped into liking him. Say what you want now, but whoever you are, you liked Brett too. Anyway, Ben, Zach, Monique, Ryan's cousin (known as "Little Red") and her friend, (known as "New Zealand") all started drinking at some bar in the city after they left Brooklyn and they had fun, even if the jukebox didn't always act the way it should. They could only get within 20 blocks of Times Square, so they ended up ringing 2004 in at Central Park under fireworks, while Ben sang "The Old Gray Mare" so many times that New Zealand actually thought it was, "a song that Americans sing on New Years". Sigh. Nobody, especially Zach, lasted long once they got back to Brooklyn, and after a spine-tinglingly awkward moment in which Ben, Monique, & Zach ran into Brett and some slut at the diner the next morning, Ben and Zach were back on the train to Stamford, and in Zach's jeep and back to Dover. All in all, a very quick trip NYC, but a trip that Zach promised Niko and Misha that they would make again soon.

Let's review:

Little Red: She kept bitching all night and when she finally bitched about how long Ben was taking while he was peeing in a doorway, Zach snapped at her.

Several Thousand People In Central Park: All of whom were needled in the back by Zach's shoulder, elbow, or hand in an attempt to squeeze his way out of the parka orgy to safety

The Entire State of Connecticut: Zach cursed this state of poorly kept up, pock-marked roads, rampant heroin use, seedy porn billboards, and unloyal sports fans so much during the ride down and back that surely their corrupt Republican Governor ordered a hit on him.

So that's that. I have no conclusive findings at all. Like I said, there's just too many fucking people that want Zach dead. And to think, Craig Sanville wasn't even interviewed!

Oh, minor detail that I don't find to be of much consequence, Zach's brake line "mysteriously" rusted off, or as others believe, WAS CUT, and he ran a stop sign and almost collided with the Rollinsford Fire Station last week and had to have his car towed away. For repairs. Again. But I'm sure that has NOTHING to do with Zach's disappearance.

Or, maybe the Holidays were just too hectic, and since the Patriots and Alias could take time off, Zach thought he could too. We may never know!

It's been real,

Zombie Shakespeare

ps - The following are the results for the last poll, "What's on the top of your Christmas List?" 1st Place, by a landslide, or as much of a landslide that these polls have seen thus far, was "A $35 gift certificate to Gail's Gentle Persuasion" with 8 votes and 29% of the vote. Tied for 2nd place with 5 votes and 18% of the vote each were "The Patriots winning the SuperBowl . . . again" and "A corndog." You people are insane. And to further prove that point, 3rd Place went to "BBQ Sauce . . . all over your face" with 4 votes and 14% of the vote. Now to quiet all you zqf8 Playa-Hatas, hark, a new poll below!

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