2003-03-12 - 10:58 a.m.

And now back to our regularly scheduled blatherings. Jeezum Crow Laura, you'd think that after 90 entries people would thirst for a little more than "Kirstie Alley smells", "Helen Hunt has crabs", and "Maura Tierney has no crabs, nor does she smell." I guess I've found my target audience. But from the vocal displeasure that came my way over my last entry, I see that you slugtrons want Larry King sized softball entries. Blech to all of you! Especially since my 100th Entry is going to be a 100 million zillion pages!!! (give or take a thousand) Mwah-ha-ha-ha! And when I do, the only picture I'm going to use is of Magneto. And I'll post it over and over and over. And he'll be saying something evil and chilling! Evil and chilling! Fools.

Mmmmmm, pew belts

Anyway, I have to get this off my chest. I hate MTV and everything it stands for. Except I can't live without it. But seriously. I hate it. Despise it. But it would always manage to wrangle me in by playing it's addicting programing a la' Real World and Road Rules. But it has burned me. too. many. times. I'm like a battered woman who keeps telling myself it's gonna get better. They fucked The State. After The State tried to market themselves a little better (which is to say, "at all", compared to MTV) by doing a Halloween Special for CBS, MTV decided it would never ever ever ever show an episode of The State again. They would never be mentioned and all record of them would be erased. Considering MTV's demographic turns over every three months, this wasn't very difficult to do. And just as the wound from The State was starting to heal they introduce me to Sifl and Olly. Oh how I fell in love all over again. I loved my little sockheads so much. Sifl and Olly will forever be one of my favorite television shows. They will never fall from their perch in the Top 15. NEVER! They are far too cres. And what does MTV do? They cancel it after two seasons. I supposed I should feel lucky they even got to gave their second season. MTV ordered a third season, WHICH WAS MADE, but MTV didn't air it. MTV makes the skin on my arms boil and ripple - moreso. And like The State, they brainwipe everyone from ever remembering Sifl and Olly. How I hate them. How I hate hate hate hate hate MTV. Liam and Matt (the creators of S&O) say that they will release the first 2 seasons of S&O on DVD someday. Someday. Yeah, the day I get NewsRadio and Freaks and Geeks on DVD I imagine. But what brings all this up now? Well, MTV has put Clone High on hiatus. HI-FUCKING-ATIS. Why?! Because CLEARLY Clone High is far too smart and funny of a show to be supported by Mulletheads Teaching Vacuousness. Clone High is on hiatus, the website on MTV.com is down and they say they "don't know when the other 6 episodes will air." They haven't even REPEATED the originals yet. I mean, they have the week they air, but usually a show, no matter how bad it is, goes through a few rounds of repeats first. And for what? Ashton "Aren't I hilarious and cute with my jackass stare" Kuntcher can "punk" his friends on national television. No, sadly, it's not half as dirty as it sounds. Apparently, in today's hip vernacular, "to punk" someone is to pull a prank on them. And since "Pranked" would be far too "whack" of a word to call a show, MTV went with "PUNKED". BUT WAIT, it gets better! Even PUNKED was considered far too esoteric, so they shortened it to PUNK'D. Oh man. That word is too hip for for my journal. PUNK'D. I love it! It's so fresh! And proactive! It really sets up its own paradigm! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'm only TWENTY FOUR. The younger generation shouldn't vex me this much already. Sigh. I hate MTV. And pre-empting Challenge this week for a Gideon YAGO special did nothing to stop me from straying even further. Gideon Yago is a poor man's Kurt Loder. And I don't even LIKE Kurt Loder, he looks like a fucking cadaver. I miss Jon Sencio. Sniff, I heart Jon Sencio. He was always so zany. And he really kept Kennedy and Dan Cortese in their place. Good night sweet Sencio . . .

My boys, in happier times

There, aren't we happy I'm back to my vitriolic ways? Ok, everyone ready? Because here we go. Staaaaaarting now! 3-2-1 CONTACT:

- Apparently Hannah Smith went to New Mexico. It's true. I didn't even know she was going until I got an e-mail informing me that she arrived safely, and another e-mail telling me she made it back ok.

- I saw Old School with a gaggle of Engineers a few weekends ago. We really classed it up by watching it at the LILAC MALL in ROCHESTER. Ewww, Ewww, and finally, I say Ewww. It was full of raucous teens belching and throwing candy like they were at a matinee of The Diary of Anne Frank. (Thank you, I'll be here all night) But the movie was good. Or I should say Will Ferrell was pretty good. And I don't care if Justin skewers me on a large . . . um, skewer for saying so - he was funny. Keep on truckin'.

- The cat got his name changed back to Harry because when Ben went to the vet he couldn't remember the name Malacho. Harry. Harry. Really, take it in. Digest it. It's great huh? So because we both pretty much hate the name Harry it got changed yet again. The cat's name (and I had nothing to do with this, though I heartily enjoy it) is now Chef Chen Kenichi. Yes, as in the Iron Chef. So know I can curse Chef Chen Kenichi for not being fixed yet and spraying all over the house. I can curse Chef Chen Kenichi for meowing in the middle of the night for 20 minutes because he saw something move outside. Damn you Chef Chen Kenichi.

"Meow!"

- My mother wrote me a check for a lot of money and I lost it. I ALWAYS LOSE CHECKS. I don't know why, but it's a proven fact. I know I hid it before I left for Plymouth last Thursday. That's another thing I do. I hide things in fucked up places so I won't lose them. That makes sense huh? Yeah, but I REMEMBER where I hid it. I folded the check and put it in between two DVDS. X-Men and Young Frankenstein. Right at the end of my OCD alphabetically arranged DVDs. And now it's gone. And I'm so fucked. I tore the house apart yesterday looking for it - which, with our house, doesn't look that much different. So I had to call my mother this morning and tell her. She was none too pleased. But she said it would make her happier if I wore shorts or at least no jacket because it was supposed to be so warm today. I swear to God. People, my mother loves NOTHING MORE than asking me to wear less clothes when it's "warm out". To my mother, "warm out" = anywhere between 40 and 100 degrees. I didn't go for the shorts, but I'm not wearing a jacket. It made her a bit happier. Seriously, if any of you want to give me a large sum of money I DON'T suggest writing me a check. Either give me cash or just deliver all the damn canolis to my door. It'd be easier that way. I never lose canolis.

- The Broken Pushcart, the pooringest grocery store in the entire Seacoast is hiring clerks for $10.00 an hour. You heard me right. Well, read me right. Seriously, I'm glad I've worked at Slaveity Wallakers for over three years to even come close to reaching the rank of lowly Broken Pushcart clerk. I don't like breaking and cutting open toys to drink their juices for peanuts! Well, not literal peanuts. Actually, I wouldn't mind some peanuts. I like peanuts. Mmmmm, especially honey roasted. Mmmmmm . . .

- As I mentioned earlier, I went to Plymouth last Thursday. I didn't even go up until after work and I came back in time for class the next day. Why even go then? I don't know. I haven't been to a "collegey party" in a while and I miss just drinking for the sake of drinking. Plus, I was promised Beirut and that since all of Rick's friends aren't exactly seasoned Beirut professionals like myself, that I would Rule the proverbial School. Dayyyyyum. Except we never actually played any Beirut. Ne Dayyyyyum Pas. But we still had fun. Even if I had to dress up like an ER doc and carry my beer around in a Doctor's Kit. The theme of the party was "Dress as your Fetish", but since it was last minute for me, and I didn't have the time to whip up a Spider-Man, Maura Tierney, Stop Making Sense-sized suit, I went with doctor. I don't really have a doctor fetish, but the Wallakers just happens to have some doctor gear, and besides, it kinda links to ER. Whatever. Fuck all of you. I drove all the way to Plymouth in the dark and it was scary and Rt. 140 tried to molest me. I hate Rt. 140.

- I let my dad borrow Kavalier and Klay and he lost it. He lost it. Isn't that just like a Dad to do?

- Fredrokie came to visit last weekend! Wait, two weekends ago! Oh what a time we had! We did jack shit and we loved it! Seriously, Fred and my idea of a perfect weekend involves reading quietly, listening to music, drinking, playing video games and falling asleep. Oh and eating. And we did all of those things in spades! Nick and Aaron came over that night and Ben and I taught them and Frederick how to play Estimation. Oh how I love Estimation. Peter Farmer's introduction of Estimation to America was more important than horses! I don't even get that. But we had fun! And Freddie hustled us! Isn't that just like a Fred to do? We even went to Robin's Place in the morning for breakfast . . . mmmmmmmm, breakfast. And Fred made me a new CD! Fortunately, it was actually a CD I can listen to without bleeding out the eyes. Unfortunately for you guys, Good Fred CDs aren't half as hilarious to read about as Bad Fred Cds.

- Jimbo called me the other night to inform me that KP was getting married. That Jimbo, always on top of things.

- Anyone remember Upright Citizens Brigade? No? Well you should. It was really good. It was an improv group that got its own show on Comedy Central (only one step up the Viacom ladder from their maggot brothers at MTV). Amy Poehler, "the girl" from UCB, played Andy Richter's sister on all those Conan sketches, she's on SNL now and she was Susie in Wet Hot American Summer. Matt Walsh is on The Daily Show now. He was actually in Old School too. Good for him. Anyway, the reason I brought it up was that our little Brett (you may know him from the film, "Brett & Monique") made the elite, prestigious, and by all these adjectives I mean to say EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to join Upright Citizens Brigade improv team in NYC. No, this does not mean Brett will be on tv. Pay attention. He made the team of 8 from over 170 people that auditioned. Plus, his old team's name was Boss Tweed. You gotta get points for that. So you know, if you see Brett when you're in line for McDonald's the next time you're in Des Moins give him a pat on the back. Hell, give him two pats. Our Brett's all growed up and I so proud! To think, we'll say we "knew him when." And you know what the best part of all this is? It gives me a reason to talk about Brett and not Monique. I love it.

- I was saying good-bye to Anne-Emmanuelle this morning and I mangled her name and accidentally said, "Au revoir Man-Emmanuelle!" Oh, it gave us all a good laugh. Seriously though, I definitely have risen in the ranks of coolosity in my French Class. I mean, I'm not at Broken Pushcart Clerk level yet, but I'm working on it. People actually want to be in my group now because they know I'll come up with the funny answers (which 75% of the time might be right!) I love it! And today when we picked partners for group work, I didn't have to pick someone! Someone picked me! And who might that be?! I'll give you a hint: I have a Crush on her, but it's Secret. That's right, Secret Crush. And when I asked our professor if we were going to have to change the name of our class to "Freedom 402" she didn't even get it. But guess who did?! Secret Crush did! She laughed! She said, "Oh Zach, you are the funniest person I know. Why must I be engaged?" And I told her I just didn't know. And then I asked her, Est-ce que tu te lave les orielles? And she laughed. I don't blame her. It was pretty funny. And then she said Oui. And then she said Oui. Sigh.

Is it my birthday yet? [No, that's in August - Ed.] Damn.

FUCK YOU MTV!

It's been real,

Chester

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