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I Have This . . . "Friend" Who's Addicted To Vicodin

2002-10-10 - 12:39 p.m.

Ok, right. Sorry. Ryu's taking a break for a while. He ran around so much during the last entry that he is cleansing his whole body in neat's foot oil. I warned him that he wasn't a baseball glove so that probably wasn't a great idea, but he told me "Oil makes car start and makes me feel old fashioned good." I couldn't argue with that logic. These entries keep having larger than usual breaks in them. I'd say I've been really busy, but I'm sick of writing that just as much as people are probably sick of reading it. Instead, I'll jump into something that I don't usually talk about. . .

I AM IN SO MUCH FUCKING PAIN. OH MY GOD, I'D RATHER *BE* A FUCKING EARWIG THEN TO HAVE TO STAND ANYMORE OF THIS PAIN. I can hear Coty and Fred now "Look who's being a Drama Queen - he's such a baby." Well, they are the ones that said my "food poisoning" was for attention too, so I don't hold much stock in that. But Clyde. . . seriously. I have good days and I have bad days. Yesterday and today thus far definitely rank as BAD DAYS. Ugh. I have been on painkillers now for OVER a month. Yeah - that is so not good for me. Well, for anyone. Dr. Romano is REFUSING to take vicodin on ER because he says he wants to stay clear headed. The MAN ALMOST GOT TURNED INTO CAPTAIN HOOK BECAUSE OF HELICOPTER BLADES and HE doesn't want vicodin, and here's wittle Zach with his wittle toof that hurts him and I need this vicodin like it's a drug. Ok, bad example . . . like it's a cherry flavored drug. ARGHHHHHHHHH. See?! Look at what all these narcotics have done to my ability to make metaphors! So sad. Hopefully, my simile's will remain intact. But seriously, I take the antibiotics and the motrin (NOT midol) 3 or 4 times a day. And I TRY, God and Macy Gray know that I TRY to only take ONE vicodin at night before bed. But lately, one is just not getting me through the night. If I take just one I will wake up around 3 or 4 and it feel like the Doozers from Fraggle Rock are attacking the lower left side of my face with their mini-pick axes. But these aren't your normal miniature pick-axes. THESE pick-axes have SCORPIONS on the end of them. And they are spiteful and underfed (the scorpions, not the Doozers). Oh how it hurts. I would TRADE this pain for the immense leg/knee pain I had in when we were driving into San Francisco. Yes. It's THAT bad. And earlier in the week I had this narcotic fuled dream that I was going around trying to eat people's FLESH! Um, you don't need to tell me how gross that is, I KNOW HOW GROSS THAT IS!! ["Yeah, I'm gonna question whether we should include this bit" - Ed.] And I woke up the other night and thought I WAS TRAPPED IN AN E-MAIL. THAT DOESN'T EVEN ATTEMPT TO MAKE ANY SENSE. And last night I woke up and thought there was this little door on the top of my head and if I coughed too hard it would pop open, and even though I had no reason to cough I lay there still deathly afraid that I would cough and end up blowing my brains all over my David Byrne poster. Oh weep for me. Weep for me my friends. Weep for you friend's addictive nature and his inability to see certain colors and use adverbs any longer. This is what drugs do people. They make insane people crazy.

"I'd say that Vicodin is responsible for Zach's MAGNETIC personality! Get it?! Get?!"

"Ryu called. He said don't get too comfortable."

"Fuck you, TOP Man. Ohhhhh, scary - the power of a TOP!"

"My mom says I'm cool."

Yeah, so anyway. It wasn't that much of a productive weekend. I worked Friday and Saturday (shocker I know) and Ben had Neil's bachelor party Staurday night. When I got home I had seen that Ben had cleaned most of the day. But that's not the only thing I noticed - I almost fell on the floor in tears. Big happy Kid Icarus sized tears. My baby was sitting on the floor, all wired up to the big screen TV. My little Nintendo. All gray and black and dusty and neglected. I could tell he was mad at me but it was shortlived. Besides, he wasn't my REAL baby (aka - my original Nintendo). He was one of our adopted babies that we've gathered over the years. I still love him, but not as much as MY REAL BABY, which I keep in my room. He purrs at night. So, from the golden glint coming out of the load in tray I could see that Ben fancied himself a Zelda player. I didn't want to play his guy so I played some R.C. Pro-AM to see if I still had my old sea legs. Did I ever. They never left. (Luckily, we didn't have an Orange Car Situation on our hands when Ben got home) I don't mean to brag. Ok, I do. But seriously, I am one of the absolute best Nintendo players I know. Now I know what you're thinking. "Wow, I wish I could be more like Zach.", or "Man, Zach sure is the coolest guy I know.", or "God almighty, I can't believe he's hoping to get our respect off his Nintendo skillz." And as much as the female population of Madison, NJ may disagree with me, and as much as Coty will gnash his teeth and shake his fists to the Heavens screaming "BUT I KNOW HOW TO SURF ON T&C SURF DESIGN AND ZACH DOESN'T!! ZACH DOESN'T!!", I will say that - NO, I am not saying that I am the BEST NINTENDO player ever. I'm not saying that I own the Power Glove like Jeremy Stottler. And no, I don't consider myself to be The Wizard a la' Fred Savage. And as much as my friends would rather eat feet than give me a compliment, in a life or death situation, they would admit that I am top of the pops at Nintendo. (I can't imagine a life or death situation that would necessitate their feelings on my Nintendo playing abilities, but I'm sure there is one). People used to CALL ME at home and ask me how to get past certain parts of video games. I still remember when Denoncourt called 3 times during dinner one time when he was trying to beat Ducktales and my Dad finally said that I was going to start charging a dime for every question. (I didn't, much to Les's consternation).

-The Paragraph Where Zach Continues to Talk about Nintendo- Yeah, am I boring you yet? I will say these last few things for now. Athena had to be one of the hardest games I owned. I never finished it. For all I know, I don't even think I came CLOSE to finishing it. Seriously, I wouldn't be surprised if those David Koresh led-freakazoid at Waco were driven to such despair over Athena. It made me want to club baby seals EVERY TIME I played it. It was SO FUCKING HARD. You were Athena (who had this melon head, blue hair, and a pair of the finest mythological 8-bit legs you ever did see) and you jumped around looking for pieces of armour while these giraffes and cats with swords attacked you and stole your armour and sometimes you'd touch a clam shell and it would turn you into a mermaid. Oh I know, I just made it SOUND fun. But trust me, it wasn't. And you'll never guess who gave it to me as a birthday present lo those many years ago . . . BRAD. Fitting.

"Clubbing Baby Seals Since 1989!"

On the other side of the suck coin was Kid Icarus. Yeah, I loved Metroid and Startropics will always be my favorite newer generation Nintendo game, but Kid Icarus ruled my fucking school. I still HAVE the MUSIC FOR KID ICARUS IN MY HEAD. (You'd think that'd be enough to drive the earwigs out - but no) Kid Icarus was really fucking cool and you had to go around jumping and shooting (like 98% of all Nintendo games) and save your love from Medusa and blah, blah, blah it doesn't matter, because this game rocks, and there's nothing I can even say to justify it's rockitude. I do find it odd that Medusa is a central character in both my most hated and most loved games. I will say one major thing Icarus had over Athena is that he got to fight EGGPLANT WIZARDS! That's right - only the Japanese could come up with a villain so nefarious that he lobs mini-eggplants at you from his eggplant staff in an attempt to turn you into an eggplant. Man was it sweet. Well, turning into an eggplant (thus hindering your fighting skills down to ramming up against walls as an eggplant) kinda sucked, but the whole idea was cool.



STEP THREE: "Helloooo Nurse!"

So the moral of the story is this. Ben told me on Sunday (after a football game we will never speak of) that I could play some of his Zelda guy if I wanted when he went to bed. I said, "Are you sure that's a good idea?" He said, "Sure, I don't care." I finished Zelda after staying up until 3:15 AM. I know, that was so stupid. To start the new week of with 3 1/2 hours of sleep. But it was ZELDA. And I LOVE it. And I have not ONE IOTA of self-control. Let me say, Zelda, despite being primo old skool is still a challenge. That last castle - 9 - and the final fight with Ganon is no walk in the pixelated park my friend. Yeah, well, he must have found it the next morning and been pissed since my baby is MIA now and I am too scared to ask where it went.

[The victorious scene last Sunday Night / Monday Morning at 1018 Lilac]

What's that? Too much video gameth talk? Ok. Fine. Then I won't go off about how I am even more addicted to Kingdom Hearts now than I was last week at this time. I'm at the Nightmare Before Christmas stage and it is delightfully creepy and I love it so much. But that is all I will say. On that. For now.

B-Slopp (Bryan, not Brad) is off in jolly ol' England now. Did I already mention that in an earlier entry? I don't remember. But I heard from him this moring by e-mail, and despite some rough bumps in the beginning of his trip, he and Natalie seem to have settled down just fine, and I must say I am more jealous of his schedule than anything else. He has classes on Tuesdays and Fridays. THAT IS IT. I hate him. But I am jealous that they're there as long as they are (until next year). Bu they'll be home for some sort of wedding shower thingy or something this Christmas. At least I think so.

So Chad and Mackenzie are on their way to San Francisco for Mackenzie's aunt's wedding this weekend. Not surprisingly, they wanted to get in touch with Tim so he could show them around his new HQ city. BUT TIM won't be in San Francisco, as it seems Secret Squirrel Curtis will indeed be on the EAST COAST this weekend. But that in itself is supposed to be a surprise (so hush hush out there you freaks), but Ben and I won't even be able to SEE him since I will be working (shocker of shockers) and Ben has Neil's wedding this weekend. Ahhhhhh! Too many wedding shmeddings! Bryan & Natalie, Chad & Mackenzie, Mackenzie's Aunt, Neil & Sue. Stupid weddings. But back to Chad & Mackenzie. Mackenzie informed me that Chad was about as dumb as a dumb donkey when he was bringing out the trash the other night. Chad thought he saw a pretty black kitty with a white stripe. Chad thought he just still smelled like garbage when he got back in the house. Mackenzie almost wretched when Chad got back inside. The next thing you know, Chad is talking a bath in tomato juice. Stupid Chad. Stupid stupid Chad. That'll teach you to pet black and white kitties that hang out by the dumpsters.

"Sounds like something smells like skunk at Chad and Mackenzies!"

"Um . . . is that supposed to be a joke? Because I SO didn't laugh. Seriously, I've heard funnier things at Bingo Night at McKerley's."

I don't need to tell all you kids out there in IN-TRA-NET land that this week's TV GUIDE gave me the vapors. Ok, maybe I do. This week's TV GUIDE gave me the vapors! Do I REALLY need to tell you why? Ok, I will. The gorgeous, LONG HAIRED Maura "You'll always be Lisa to me" Tierney was featured on the cover. And while I know that the sight of Mekhi Phifer probably gave Kate and Jimbo the vapors, he is no Maura Tierney, that's for sure. And Scotland, PA come out on the day of my surgery! October 22nd. How bittersweet. So I'm thinking I should order Scotland, PA off Amazon (since I won't see it around here for a while, because New Hampshire is a professional when it comes to sucking). And I'll pay for it through my Dad's paypal account. It will be his surgery present to me! And he won't even know until he gets his credit card statement! I think this is a good idea. Hopefully it will be in my mailbox by the time I get carted back to Dover a few days after recuperating in Tilton at my mother's house. At least I won't have to get chains on my teeth like C-Slopp did. Stupid C-Slopp. And I will eat all the applesauce I want. And ice cream and pudding. Mmmmmmmm. "Trust me, you should bulk up on the steaks. You don't know when you'll have your next chance!" - Monique, on what I should do pre-surgery.

[No comment can make this better]

Have I made it clear that they are launching an expedition THROUGH MY GUMS and SLICING/HACKING the BONE OUT OF THE WAY!? I just want to make sure I made that VERY clear. Speaking of which, get well presents, packages, mix CD's, meat & cheese baskets, etc. can be sent to Zach, Lilac Lane, Dover, NH 03820! Just saying is all.

Oh yeah, and work is work. We are down 1 New Kid (Nick) and are now in the process of filling in those holes. I would comment more on this whole enterprise but it stressed me out so much yesterday that I'd rather leave it alone for the time being. But I am excited about work tonight since Kate and I will get to talk about Wet Hot American Summer, which she FINALLY watched last night!

Ok, I am fucking starving. Later. . .

It's been real,


ps - My Badtz-Maru CD holder broke. This displeases me.

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2002 - 2009 ZQF8

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