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Divorcing Spider-Man

2008-04-06 - 7:00 p.m.

Contents of My Jacket Pockets: Ocean rocks

Listening To: Vampire Weekend, Eddie Vedder, Belle & Sebastian, The Kinks

Quote:You know the rule about bringing laundry baskets to people's houses on their birthdays!" - MYP, to ZQF

Let me guess - I'm finally back and your a mess? Would you like me to take my entrance back? Whether you like it or not, I'm here. And I'm going to roam inside your head. Ok, ok. This isn't even an original obscure theme!! I already mined Corduroy quite some time ago. What a warmed over way to begin. I should have started with some sort of uber-obscure alt-rock radio reference like, "Je voudrais le poulet et les frites!" God, lately I think I listen to WFNX more than the voices in my own head. And that's a lot of okra to be fryin' in a smallish pan mon frere! AWWWWWW YEAH BABY!!!! I'M BACK!!!!

So did you hear the one about that time I went and got a divorce from Spider-Man? It's a pretty hilarious tale if you haven't heard it. It's got pathos, pythons, pythagorean theorems, creamy middles, squishy riddles and all sorts of things that go quack in the night. It breaks down like this:

Step One - Meet a Spider-Man.
[Let's say, through the last page comics in the now-defunct magazine, The Electric Company or catching an episode of "Spider-Man & His Amazing Friends"!]

Um, that must suck to be Firestar when you're up against a fire-based villian. "You better listen to me or I'm going to make you . . . even . . . hotter?"

Step Two - Flirt with a Spider-Man.
[Let's say, by reading Tarun's older brother's comics. Or buying two Spider-Man comics while on a family vacation in Ogunquit in the summer of 1990 and then devouring my cabin mates' collection at camp later the same summer.]


Awwww. This is the first comic I ever bought with my own grubby, allowance begging fingers. The cover did exactly what it was designed to do to my 10 year old brain. "Spider-Man is teaming up with THE GREEN GOBLIN AND THE MOLTEN MAN?!?! But they're his sworn enemies! What could cause this?!" Spoiler Warning: Tombstone. That's who. Sorry if I spoiled that for those of you who were planning on reading the early 90's run of "Web of Spider-Man". I SAID, "Spoiler Warning"! Jeeze. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that Molten Man is extremely shiny. And there's not a marketing team out there that doesn't know of ZQF's legendary propensity for all things shiny.


I bought this comic from the snack shop under the Norseman hotel in Ogunquit. It's right on the beach and kept me well stocked in pixie stix, comics, and blow pops. How could I NOT buy this comic?! I HAD to find out the identity of the oh-so-mysterious shadowy figure in the doorway! What possible Spider-Man villian with metallic tentacles could be lurking?!


Well, I guess now we've discovered where my fetish for She-Hulk crotch shots comes from. Sigh.


I read this story about 20 times over the course of the week I was at camp that summer. I bought it at a gas station in Moultonborough on the way to Tuftonboro and Camp Sentinel. I remember falling in love with the art but thinking the story was pretty stupid. And yet I kept reading it! Over and over again! I remember donuts. And homeless men. Clearly, the stuff magical memories are made from.]

Step Three - Go steady with a Spider-Man
[Let's say, suffer through the Clone Saga, reading every single Spider-Man issue Marvel publishes no matter how bad. And if the cover is die-cut, or glow-in-the-dark, or edible? EVEN BETTER!]


This may have been smack dab in the middle of the Clone Saga (which, up until recently, was the most reviled Spider-Man story ever written), but son of a smack dab if some cool covers didn't come out of it. You can't tell from looking at it, but the red spider shape is cut away from the rest of the cover. When you open the cover, just the black border and the red spider come up, presenting the rest of the blocked image. Involving clones, and prisons, and poisons, and what have you. That's not important! Big, red, cut spiders are important! Concentrate!

Step Four - Marry a Spider-Man
[Let's say, lose sleep over your unbridled excitement for the release of the first film even though at this point the best parts about the Spider-Man comics are the covers and not what's inside the pages.]


Seriously. Somebody make that into a magnet. Because that's a sweet cover. And if I had a fridge where I only put magnetized versions of really sweet comic covers, well, "Peter Parker: Spider-Man #88", you would be the magnetist of them all

Step Five - Start cheating on Spider-Man
[Let's say, reading enriching, intelligent, epic comics that you can hook all your friends {and co-workers, and family, and strangers on the bus} on - like Fables and Y: The Last Man! You still have feelings for Spidey. But mostly out of maudlin nostalgia for the old days of Cardiac, summer camp, Carnage, middle school, Molten Man, football games, Mysterio, canobie lake, The Shroud, and sneaking out at sleepovers. Peter Parker doesn't understand you the way Bigby and Yorick do. Maybe he never did. Wait, of course he did. But now you're just staying together for the sake of the collection. And that's not fair for either of you.]


Um . . . yeah. I got new glasses and Spider-Man got . . . this. From that toolbox Iron Man. I think my glasses were the better choice.

Step Six - Seperate from Spider-Man
[Let's say that even after all the Aunt May's dead, but not really and Mary Jane is kidnapped/dead, but not really, secret identity exposures, Civil War side switching, and endless defending of Spider-Man 3, you just get so tired of it all that all it's going to take is one more colossally stupid editorial mandate from Marvel to make you pull the plug and start fresh in greener pastures.]


Exhibit A: One Colossally Stupid Editorial Mandate From Marvel. Using the character of Mephisto/Devil, Peter makes a deal with said devil to save his 800-year-old crone of an Aunt May and Mephisto gets the "existence" of the marriage of Peter and Mary Jane (something that had been on the books since the 80's) to disappear with no one rememebering it. Oh, and just for shits and giggles, no one will remember that Peter is Spider-Man. Oh, and why not? Harry Osborn is brought back from his 15-yr. dirt nap. Just 'cause. So not only are Peter and MJ not married, but they NEVER were. Which means all the Spider-Man comics I've read since I was in elementary school got invalidated. {Which, I suppose, is implying that they were at one time, "validated".} Thanks Marvel. Make sure the door hits my ass on the way out too!

Step Seven - Divorce Spider-Man

Well, the ink is hardly dry, but we're officially divorced. Spider-Man and I make pretend we don't even know each other when we see the other at the mall. The Spider-Man pillow case stays at the bottom of the dresser drawer. The Spider-Man boxer shorts get retired. The Spider-Man band-aids get donated to the Orphanage. Or Nelly. Or Nelly's favorite Orphanage. I guess it's true what they say: People change. Sometimes people accidentally grow six arms because of some mix-up with Morbius. Sometimes people think it's a great idea to try to grow a goatee. Caprica Six of one, 1/2 dozen of another! Shit happens. Life's a beach. You don't have to be crazy to work here . . . but it helps! It's been a tough transition. Especially when I see Spider-Man with someone new. And I think, "They don't know him like I know him. They don't know what makes him tick. His hopes. His fears. His dreams." But I'm not bitter. I'm happy to have what we had. And now we've both moved on. And while my future seems a lot less dependant on irradiated spider venom, it seems brighter and more assured than it ever has before. Good luck Spider-Man, I'll need it.

It's been real,

Peter Porker: Spectacular Spider-Ham

ps -
Do yourself a favor and check out the oodles of new quotes! Quotes Volume 3 got rounded off with some hialrious 4th Quarter tomfoolery of 2007 and now a 4th Volume of Quotes has been installed. Click the Quotes link on the upper left hand portion of this page and you will be transported to a quotey wonderland of . . . quotes.

pps - Expect a new poll soon. Maybe even tomorrow. I mean, the next time I write WILL be my 302nd entry. And tomorrow just happens to be my 6th anniversary of Stuff & Things. Just sayin' is all. (I like white pizza and bull moose gift certificates in case you need any gift ideas.)

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