2006-11-11 - 10:21 p.m.

Wellity in a half shell. It's me in all my glistening glory. And such. AND. SUCH. I don't like saying the word apricot in general - even for regular - but when people say APE-RAH-COT?? Man, does that scrape my bunions! It's AP-RI-COT. Not APE. And even if it IS? Well, that's not how I roll. And I think that's rather well publicized, no?

Long day. Aren't they all? What the reunion doesn't kill it only makes slightly stronger. Or something. [Only a paragraph and a half until we hit our first "or something"!!! When oh when will we get our first "j.s.i.a."?? Who can tell?] Seriously, I've been dreaming in red and white for weeks, and the fact that, no matter what gets thrown at me - I'll never quail, really has been burning my candle brighter. My red and white candle!! God, I've been off this site for how long and you think I could have tried to pull a little bit of sense together for my return. You thought wrong motherfucker.

So I'm pretty sure that I've been consistently stalked by time-traveling Kim Deal morph-capable sleeper agents for the last few years. I know, I know, you've heard it all before. I'd even link to all those other times where Kim Deal has slithered her way into my vodka soaked, rum addled mind while enjoying a libation or four at a local bar. But why beat a dead horse? Oh wait, that's exactly what I'm doing. You know how a baby bird templates the first thing it sees as its mother? (I don't know if this is absolutely true or just something Warner Brothers cartoons have taught us.) But I gauge most girls I find to be attractive off the original Kim Deal template (which is usually working in close concert with the Punky Brewster template). And if a girl meets both template criteria? Well, then little red cartoon hearts start dancing around my head and I act all delirious and attack the black cat with a white paint streak on its back with gusto (at least that's what Warner Brothers cartoons taught me to do). But it's rare that a girl ever overlaps BOTH templates. Not impossible - but rare. But that's a good thing. Nobody likes something that's too common.

It has become clear to me though that every time I go to a bar (which really isn't that often anymore), some girl is sent in by Project Quantum Leap (or something closely approximating it) who has Kim Deal's eyes. Or cheek bones. Or nose. Or bass playing ability. Or both. Or all three. Or four. And they're obviously sent in by the original Kim to see if I'll fall for their tempting seductressing maneuvers. And I don't fall for it. I don't. So when they report back to real Kim I think she's half mad that her plan didn't work, but at the same time she's happy that I wouldn't ever have fallen for a temporarily similar version of her. And then I bring my empty bottle down on the bar a little too heavy and it's a little louder than I intended. And while the bar is quite warm, I'm standing next to a slightly open window and the cold fall-almost-winter air is cooling only a small strip of my arm.

But that's ok. I think sometimes Kim only wants to have part of my arm cooled. I don't think she wants me to think I'm spoiled, you know?

It's been real,

W. Lumpkin

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