2006-01-16 - 8:23 a.m.

January, 2006 - December, 2006

"That's it! No more frogs on the ceiling!" - Andrea, to Rex

"Look friend! It's all technological for Guess Whosies!" - Zach, to Kate

"Did you just make that story up?" - Todd, "Um . . . yes." - Rex, "That means you're a liar." - Todd, "Todd, that's kind of harsh. Let's say it makes him a fibber." - Zach, "See, you're a fibber Rex!" - Todd, "I don't care. It's ok because Zach's a fibber too." - Rex, "Um . . ." - Zach

"I try to eat a lot of flowers, so when I crap, it smells better." - Little Nick, to Joyce and Zach

"If there's anyone I could have a gay relationship with . . . it's Gammons. It would be completely asexual, but . . . I'd still cook his breakfast for him." - Pete, on his love for Peter Gammons

"So does this mean your face can lift 90 lbs. now?" - Little Nick, after finding out I needed to take steroid cream on my face

"The only college basketball I watch is the Lady Vols." - Mark, in absolute sincerity

"Oh don't sit on Black Agnes' lap! That's for damned sure!" - Peter, on the topic of cursed New England sites

"Friend, I still want to be friends with you . . . but only once you've healed." - Kate, to Zach, concerning her fear of the impetigo

"It was a total Vegas sandwich, but a different piece of bread." - Amy B.

"It was a totally rictor day." - Amy B., describing a day of skiing at NorthStar

"That was 79 cents worth of deliciousness." - Big Nick, on his Shaw's Signatures Sparkling Lime Water

"I . . . hope I didn't just eat your science project." - Zach, to Big Nick

"I don't know what they're saying, but I bet it's sexy." - Aaron, regarding the text in that oft-mentioned source of trouble: Snoecks '06

"Shelly Winters died, and it's especially sad because she never said a bad word about anybody." - Mom, "How. The hell. Do YOU know?!" - Zach, Because I used to watch her on Merv Griffen and she was always laughing." - Mom

"You look slightly rapist-esque." - Brad, on my new/old clean shaven look

"You should move in with us friend! It would be like an 80's sitcom, where there was always too many or not enough dads!" - Justin, to Zach

"I'm burpin' whoppers over here. You know what I'm saying?" - Mark, "I'm pretty sure you're saying that you're burpin' up whoppers." - Zach, "Yup." - Mark

"If you like your long hair so damn much, why don't you just grow a ponytail?" - Mom, "Because that's disgusting." - Zach, "Why is that disgusting? All sorts of guys have them." - Mom, "Yeah, disgusting guys." - Zach, "Oh really?! What about Mr. Russell Crowe? Is he disgusting?!" - Mom, ". . ." - Zach, "Well? What? WHAT?!" - Mom, "Mom, you are quote gold." - Zach, "No I'm not! Wait, what does that mean?" - Mom

"I need more drinks that taste like candy and less candy that tastes like shampoo!" - Zach

"How about 'Fistful of Genital Warts'?" - Big Nick, commenting on the look of the Squish Ball, "That sounds like it would be a nice movie. How could Clint Eastwood pass it up?!" - Zach, "Or 'Fistful of Impetigo'." - Big Nick, "Was that the sequel to 'Fistful of Genital Warts'?" - Zach, "No. Prequel." - Big Nick

"Friend, don't get your stink wands on my blanket!" - Kate, to Zach

"But, we just got some cereal guy!" - Eliza, to Zach, on why not to give up hope now that Johnny "Sell-Out" Damon has left town and Coco Crisp has arrived

"I don't know which is worse: That these gummy bears smell like old feet . . . or that I can't stop eating them." - Zach, to Chase

"I know, but I did make out with him and then he gave me that penguin and then I broke his heart and stole his fireworks." - Beth, online, to Zach "I . . . I . . . that is the best sentence I've ever seen" - Zach

"We latched on to that like two mucklehounds." - Kate, to Zach, refering to the fascination we both had over the word "jungle" whilst watching Lost

"Oh that Qwan, always eating people . . ." - Rick, to Zach, refering to Qwan's hypothetical cannibalism

"That's right, I'm drinking Joyce's rootbeer because I'm mad about Nick's t-shirt." - Zach, to Mark

"Can I get a Shirley Temple?" - Hayley, living on the edge, at the Friendly Toast

"I'm not talking about for smell-wise." - Kate, talking about some of the possible cons of ordering an intensely spicy breakfast burrito at the Friendly Toast

"What's a nip?" - Hayley, wondering aloud to the table what Kate was talking about when she accused Zach of "drinking all the nips"

"Don't go into that bathroom friend. There's been a Small Craft Advisory." - Kate, to Zach

"There's no need for a potato to be down there." - Kate

"I don't like cookies with boobs." - Kate

"It's probably just MySpace being gay." - Justin, "That's all MySpace does these days - be gay." - Zach

"I thought you said that *I* was the picky cunt?" - Zach, suggesting Justin was said cunt after all, "You are, and furthermore . . . you are." - Justin

"Every bathtub ever regrouted anywhere, ever, has been done by the other white meat." - Rick

"Friend, you are the Michelle Kwan of the Sober Olympics. You had a chance to go for the Gold and instead got a groin pull before the games even began. For shame. For shame." - Zach, to Kate, after she wondered aloud about pulling out of the Sobriety Experiment before it EVEN STARTED

"Yes, I said HARDCORE inspecting it!" - Aly, to Zach, admitting that she was going over his Category 11 work with a fine tooth comb

"Yeah, but sausage is sausage and beer is . . . beer." - Peter, to Zach, explaining - in a well thought out argument - that dropping our beer intake makes it ok to up our grilled meat intake

"I thought you might enjoy the fact that Saturday I am going to be feasting on beaver tail." - Liz, to Zach

"Friend, there better be some serious Alias parties with some serious chocolate Chex Mix." - Shan-Y, to Zach

"Then I go back to scrubbing the marble griffins in the lounge." - Andrew, to Zach

"The strong smell of blowing heat reminds me of Jesus." - Zach

"Birds are entagled by your feet and Men by their tongues." - Titie's fortune cookie fortune that, try as we might to decode, makes. no. sense.

"My nipples get very abrasive." - Little Nick, "Well how do you think women feel?" - Joyce, "Well . . . maybe I'm kind of woman-ish . . . sometimes." - Little Nick

"Oh wait, hold on, hold on, oh God, HOLD ON!" - Dustin, on the phone from the Navy, then, after a 15 second pause, "Ok, I'm back." - Dustin, "What the HELL was that?!" - Zach, "Oh, I accidentally lit my bed sheets on fire, but I'm fine now." - Dustin

"Consider me the designated Cunt Puncher!" - Kate, to Zach

"I can only scoop so many water bottles!" - Matt B.

"I love that we were on the same Voltron wavelength." - Zach, to Cree

"But then what's more volatile and dangerous than a headless Voltron?" - Cree, asking Zach a pretty poignant question

"If you really want to get revenge on someone, you can always pee on their windshield." - Big Nick, "Why, does that eat at the paint on the car?" - Chase, "No." - Big Nick, "Then what the hell does it do?" - Zach, "It makes it so then the guy has pee all over his windshield." - Big Nick

"I was a tomboy when I was a kid." - Little Nick, "Nick . . . [audible sigh] boys can't be tomboys." - Zach, "Oh . . . maybe I'm thinking of 'peeping tom' then." - Little Nick

"Daddy! Like Jin?!" - Cameron, to Justin, after seeing an Asian man in the mall and apparently after watching a marathon of Lost S1 DVDs with Mommy and Daddy

"Friend?" - Kate, "Yeah?" - Zach, "Last night, at like 2 or 3 in the morning I caught an old 'Who's The Boss?' and it was the one where Angela and Tony had too much to drink and they kissed." - Kate, "Um . . . ok. Why are you sharing this story again?" - Zach, "I don't . . . I don't know." - Kate

"Remember friend, that's SPAGHETTI Pie, not HAIR Pie." - Kate, to Andrea

"I'm surprised your Spider-sense didn't go off earlier to alert you to the presence of corndogs." - Zach, to Kate, during Rex's birthday party

"What part is this?" - Zach, to Kate and Andrea, while watching the Oscars, "They're showing clips from famous movies where real people have been depicted." - Andrea, "Ooooh! Maybe they'll show a scene from Clue!" - Zach, " . . . " - Andrea, " . . . " - Kate, "What?! They were a board game first! What?! That counts!" - Zach, " . . . " - Andrea, " . . . " - Kate

"If you kiss a guy - you get the gold." - Little Nick, to Zach, suggesting that if a straight guy kisses another straight guy in a movie, they are guaranteeing themselves as Oscar. Despite the fact that this didn't happen for Heath Ledger or Jake Gylenhall. And that Nick made this statement AFTER the Oscars had already happened

"You're not the boss of applesauce!" - Monique, to Zach, "God, who IS the boss of applesauce?" - Kate, to Monique

"Now we can rule with an Iron Catfish Fist." - Kate, to Zach, once they were made President and Vice-President during Asshole

"You don't. move. the. President." - Kate, to Zach, after he literally moved her, while seated, across the room

"Ameobas give you wings." - Peter, to Zach

"I can't see real good, is that Milton Bradley over there?" - Peter, to Zach, making fun of the fact that Zach invented a game for the St. Patrick's Day party

"Sterile Me, I'm Irish!", "Fast Track Me, I'm Irish!" - Kate, to Zach, trying, in vain, to start some new catchphrases

"I just bit this cup . . . in half. Is that . . . a bad thing?" - Aly

"I've been taking pictures upside down. That's just how I roll." - Aly

"I put a wicked gross snowball in my tooth." - Kate

"I don't like Christmas Kitten orchestrating things!" - Kate, to Zach, about Monique (who was wearing red & green - which was apparently enough for Kate to christen her "Christmas Kitten")

"I think that Sailor Jerry did me RIGHT." - Kate, to Zach

"My new name is 'Ian Spanarkle'." - Kate, to Zach

"Wait. Wait, wait, wait. 'Eye Vagina' equals 'The Goonies'?!" - Zach, during charades, in what was a horrible guess towards 'One-Eyed Willie'

"I just rolled a penis." - Jon, to Zach, during the invented dice game

"If Aly was a lesbian, I'd marry her." - Kate

"Fuck you and your fuckin' Gonzaga!" - Buddy, to Zach

"Ridgies are smell like feet." - Aly

"It tastes like sweet, sweet love." - Aly, on Sailor Jerrys

"Sometimes I drink Sailor Jerry and then don't sleep for four days and then get bellyaches." - Aly

"Every time they take a drink of theirs, we get to take a drink off the Sally Morgan!" - Aly, to Kate, drunkenly refering to the Sailor Jerrys

"Sniff that! Does it smell like meat?!" - Kate, pointing at her lapel

"You just stuck your dildo up my nose!" - Zach, to Kate (in what was actually a monstrous stick of chapstick)

"Never have I ever hooked up in a car!" - Kate, playing a round of 'Never Have I Ever . . .', "Wait. Does eating chicken nuggets count?" - Aly

"I AM a fucking awake!" - Kate, to Zach

"Did you know Peter has a malignant tuna?" - Monique, to Zach

"Oh, fuck me." - Zach, "What? Why?" - Monique, "God help us. I think this is Squish's beer." - Zach

"Hey, you know Sun Chips? They're really fuckin' good." - Justin, to Zach

"I've been scrubbing my hands with Finesse-It all morning so I can make them really soft. So I can pimp slap you." - Big Nick, to Zach

"Nobody beats Frogzilla! NOBODY!" - Mark, to Zach

"Frond, have you ever grown this boyfriend? Wanna try?" - Monique, to Zach, suggesting they bust open her "Grow A Boyfriend" magic capsule toy [which sounds far dirtier than I intend - which is 'not dirty at all']

"Just so you two know, I've had to eat pecan sandies, eat a lemon, and drink a lickleback!" - Monique, to Zach and Rick

"Maybe we can call it 'Nerve-Pinch-A-Palooza 2006!'?" - Rick, to Monique and Zach, about Zach's birthday

"Well, you know what MY favorite shot is?? The 'Burning your lips and the roof of your mouth off with cinnamon!' shot!" - Ricky, rather insincerely to Zach, about the Goldschlager he was forced to drink

"I can't believe you just killed my best friend." - Little Nick, sadly, to Matt about his newly christened (and newly dead) best friend, Mikey the Wasp

"If roast beef was outlawed, then only outlaws would have roast beef." - Zach, to Joyce

"Joyce, my meat is glowing." - Little Nick, to Joyce, after he saw a green glow when he held his roast beef in the sunlight

"Did either of you offer Cowboy Boots free worms? Hmmmmm . . . that's an odd phrase." - Zach, to Big Nick and Nate, trying to ascertain if a kid in the store shoplifted or not

"I just completed that entire transaction whilst squeezing an African-American puppet between my legs." - Zach, to Debbie

"I could eat crab . . . out of my yoyo." - 'Momma Judy', the crazy white-trash head laundry lady at Brad's work, whispering to Brad her secret shame about just how much she loves crab

"You need to start saying 'Brother Luvus' or we're not friends anymore." - Zach, to Brad

"Oh snap! The air is filled with sexual tension!" - Zach, to Aly, about Irina & Jack while Jack fits Irina for an explosive necklace that he controls the detonation for, "Yeah it is! That's her NECK! And that's an erogenous zone!" - Aly, to Zach

"Nova Corps? More like 'Nova Bore'!" - Ralph, to Will and Zach

"Why are you following me outside?" - Joyce, to Little Nick, "I'm trying to get the secondhand." - Little Nick, to Joyce, after following her outside on her cigarette break

"I have the whole pancake thing in my head. I can't abandon that now. Preferably pancakes with blueberries or bananas (real ones, not runts)." - Kate, in an e-mail to Zach, chastising him for merely suggesting they re-think they're late night pancake plan

"Why are there so many people popping out of sport balls?" - Kate, to Zach

"Dead ficus leaves are mixing with the pussies. And I HATE it!" - Kate, to Zach

"I think somebody slipped a mickey into my blueberry compote." - Kate, to Zach

"Threatening to purchase a Bard jersey is considered grounds to end a friendship." - Justin, to Zach

"Friend, you're just like a howler." - Hayley, to Zach

"Friend . . . trying to find a Jonathon Papelbon t-shirt is like trying to find . . . um, fool's gold!" - Zach, on the phone, drunkenly, from Fenway, to Justin making a point that was the exact opposite of what he was trying to say

"Iced Tea is the new Potato Salad." - Zach

"Mom, how do I put this . . . man, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but you tend to by me clothes intended for . . . black people." - Zach, to Mom, at Easter, "Or skateboarders!" - Mom, "But I'm not a skateboarder! Or black! Or a black skateboarder!" - Zach

"I don't like you as much without your goatee . . . but actually I like you more." - Rex, to Zach

"Hey BlueJacket, can you hand me the money?" - Amarak Food Vendor at Fenway, to Zach, MUCH to Justin & Peter's amusement

"I went to a strip club in Toronto for the geekiest reason." - Justin, to Zach and Peter"What reason?" - Zach, "The place was called Zanzibar, so we went because . . ." - Justin, getting cut off by Zach with, " . . . Are you kidding?! I'd want to go too! It's fucking called Zanzibar! How can you NOT go?!" - Zach, "You didn't let me finish. We were excited because 'Zanzibar' is the name of the 2nd world on 'Halo'." - Justin, " . . . " - Peter, "Ouch. That is rough. BUT, on second thought, if there was a strip club called "Icarus", I'd want to go!" - Zach, " . . . " - Peter, "You know? Because it's from one of MY favorite video games ever!" - Zach, "Actually, there WAS a place in Toronto called 'Princess Toadstool's Magical Strip Club'!" - Justin, "Ewwww. I hate stupid Peach." - Zach, "But when you would walk in to the club there'd be a little midget that looks just like Toad who says, 'I'm sorry Zach, but your princess is in another V.I.P. room!'" - Justin, " . . . " - Peter, on the T ride back to the Wonderland stop after the Sox/D-Rays game

"I'm thirsty." - Peter, "Me too. I've got some gatorade in the fridge. And when I get home I'm gonna drink the fuck out of it!" - Zach

"I don't know what it is about Papelbon with the Bases Loaded that turns me into Red Foxx!" - Zach, to Mark

"I think I broke my hand." - Zach, to Mark, "You don't think it has anything to do with the fact that you keep violently punching the radio, do you?" - Mark, "I don't want to say yes, but . . . yes." - Zach

"Why is everything trying to attack my sack today?!" - Little Nick, to Zach

"Well, APPARENTLY Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are due to have a baby! Who knew?! I certainly had no idea." - Zach, to Hayley, "They already had it. They named it 'Crazy'." - Hayley

"Taco Pizza & Heineken Light definitely took the wind out of our sails . . ." - Zach, " . . . and put it in your asses!" - Peter, discussing the counteracting affects of heavy pizza and tasty beer for Kate, Andrea and me whilst we moved my stuff out of 482 Silver

"Dude, your phone is TOTALLY your 'pigs'!" - Peter, to Zach, explaining how Zach's unhealthy love of his phone is slowly morphing him into S. Foley

"It's good to Go . . . zer." - Peter, to Zach, "Um . . ." - Zach, "You may have noticed that Ghostbusters jokes are hot right now." - Peter

"I hope Ben is better 'knife for pretendsies' than he is 'knife for realsies'." - Peter, to Zach and Titie, discussing Ben's chances at success in his newly joined Dungeons & Dragons league [yeah, I'll just let that sink in a bit]

"Nice ring tone." - Frank, to Chase, being sarcastic, "Nice face. And I can *change* my ring tone." - Chase

"What's with that business?" - Shan-Y, gazing at the zig-zag design of the shift in Zach's temporary Subaru Outback, "I know! I don't know why they had to turn it into a fucking Labyrinth." - Zach, [Shannon peers closer at the shift]"I . . . don't see David Bowie." - Shan-Y

"Do you want some muffins?" - Zach, "Only if they're MINI-MUFFINS!!!" - Hayley, which, thankfully, they WERE mini-muffins. Blueberry at that.

"Thank you for not giving me Cinnamon Danish mono." - Zach, to Matt B.

"Homelessness is always better in the spring months anyway." - Cree's attempt at a pep talk to Zach

"The last episode of this show better be Will Tippin's wedding. It would be on the scale of Luke & Laura's." - Shan-Y, discussing her hopes for an extremely unrealistic Alias finale

"I heart light summer fare." - Hayley, refering to the food plan for Shan-Y & Ben Cole's wedding

"Friend, I just beat Hadlee with my Barbie Ball." - Shan-Y, to Zach

"If we're going to play Riff we should each be a team. How about Good vs Evil? Obviously, I'll be Good." - Peter, to Zach

"If you look in the closet, you might find a pink surprise!" - Kate, to Zach

"Why don't you just sweep with your feet?" - Zach, to Little Nick, "Yeah, maybe if I had bristles on my feet I would and . . . actually, that would be REALLY sweet." - Little Nick

"Up jump the boogie." - Peter, to Zach, during yet another round of Riff

"Are you jealous of my monocular? I KNOW YOU ARE." - Big Nick, to Zach

"I think the burritos at Dos Amigos are getting smaller." - Kate, to Zach, "Are you sure you're not just getting bigger?" - Zach

"Jew Harp." - Hannah, Brian, Monique and Zach in an totally inexplicable bust of bat shit insanery

"I see now that the early 90's were terrifying." - Andrew, based on what a VH1 retrospective was showing us

"Ralph Nader's platform on Cabbage Patch Kids was just unbelievable." - Andrew, "And yet, we were totally in line on our views on Mad Balls." - Matt

"An erection is a flag pole in your grave." Matt F., quoting "Road to Wellville" which none of us had seen so we had to just take his word for it

"I will never ever go to a Rennesaince Fair . . . again." - Andrew

"Oh baby, it's SO itchy!" - Fafs, "That's just the Pink Panther, baby." - Walds, in my made up running commentary about what it must have been like to consummate their 'love' amongst the insulation

"Wait . . . you named your car 'Denzel'?!" - Aly, to Hayley, "Because it's black . . . and smooth." - Hayley

"Mmmmm . . . this ice cream is gRood! I heart it. So good. It tastes like shampoo!" - Zach, on trying the new coconut flavor at Annabelle's, " . . . " - Kate, " . . . " - Annabelle's worker, " . . . you know, the coconut aspect of shampoo - not the chemical poisons." - Zach

"If this can talks, we're going to Fratello's tonight!" - Ryan, on the prospect of opening up the 'talking' Miller Lite contest can, and how he would spend his winnings on Monique, Tom and Zach

"Why would there be a hot girl in the woods in Gilmanton?" - Zach, to Ryan, "I don't know. It could be . . . spirits . . . or, ah . . . fairies." - Ryan

"If I eat that I'll hurt my nut." - Monique

"Joe, don't go down there! You're going to get 'poison wannamaker!' and you're gonna regret it!" - Monique, to Ryan

"A 'leek'? Like you eat?" - Peter's Grandmother, "No. A 'leak'. Like you take." - Peter

"The part of July I pay the most heed to is the lie." - Peter, "Me? The Jew. The Jew." - Zach

"The answer to the trivia question is 'Lt. Masters'." - Peter's Dad, "'Lt. Bastard'?!?" - Peter's Grandmother, "Mother! That's it - No mojitos for you!" - Peter's Mom

"Keep getting FAT at Sawyer's!!!" - Matt F., leaning out the passenger window of my car, screaming at the people in line outside of Sawyer's Dairy Bar

"You know, this past weekend I was thinking a lot about bionic enhancements." - Big Nick, to Zach

"Hannah, may I put my goose in your purse?" - Jess, to Hannah

"That dancing guy looks like he's on peyote." - Zach, to Peter and Jeff, "More like GAYote." - Peter

"Friend, you don't even know what an amp is." - Zach, to Hayley"Yes I do! It's a black . . . square . . . box . . . speakery thing." - Hayley, "I stand corrected. I'm sorry I misjudged you." - Zach

"I just don't think Wikki Wikki will ever be the same without Wah Wah." - Mark, on Nick's life altering event of Chuck leaving the Diamond Mines

"Are you scared of skelligans?" - Dottie, to Zach, inquiring about sKeleTons, "I don't know. Are you?" - Zach, "Of COURSE I am! They're skelligans!" - Dottie

"Dottie, I didn't know you liked pirates so much." - Zach, to Dottie, as she combs through the new pirate books, "Well, I didn't used to. But I have to be now that they're making me make all these new signs." - Dottie, to Zach. For clarification, the "they're" in the last sentence refers to her dolls in the doll house that are forcibly commanding her to make signs/billboards for a fictional street in a town that doesn't exist. Just so we're clear.

"Did you see any cool animals at Graceland?" - Zach, to Dottie, "Just a dog. But just a balloon." - Dottie, "Wait, just a balloon?" - Zach, "Yeah, just the balloon kind. And I was sad 'cause I never learned his name." - Dottie

"This dirt tastes so much like dirt it's not even funny." - Little Nick, to Zach, concerning the Harry Potter Jelly Bean flavor

"OW! Carissa, please don't grab that arm, I hurt it yesterday." - Zach, "I don't care. I'll kick your arm's ass." - Carissa, "Um . . . I don't think my . . . I don't think my arm HAS an 'ass'." - Zach, "It will when I'm done with it." - Carissa, "Ummm . . . o - k?" - Zach

"If the lacrosse team shows up, I'll be hiding in the car. In my sweatpants." - Bisa, to Kate and Zach, at La Festa

"My sister here seems to think refering to the roast beef as 'curtains' to the man at the deli counter at Shaws is an appropriate thing to do." - Kate, to Zach, about Bisa, "Oh he was only 18. He loved it." - Bisa

"Okay frond, I'll see you over at your party in ten seconds and when I get there I'll say, remember ten seconds ago when I said I'd see you at your party in ten seconds . . . or maybe I will. Something." - Aly, to Zach, on Myspace

"That Rhino just crushed you." - Little Nick, to Zach, "I did just . . . get crushed by a Rhino." - Zach, after the plastic fishing boat, "Rhino", fell on him and crushed him against the Vietnamese fence

"Plants make a home." - Monique

"Shhhh! I'm just getting to the meat of the sauce!" - Kate to Bisa and Zach

"You're good at eating burritos." - Bisa, to Kate

"This burrito is gonna make me a hurtin', squirtin' unit." - Kate, in a typical classy quote, to Bisa and Zach, over some Dos Amigos

"The apple clam is merely a bonus." - Bridget, to Zach

"Whatever you say Miss Gandalf." - Assorted members of Ryan H.'s family when confronting me with my walking staff and kimono

"The fact that you were able to plumb the identity of 'J. Walter Weatherman' from the depths of your brain proves even more that you're my younger, more charismatic, more Jesus-looking clone . . . of sorts." - Zach, to Mike M.

"Hey, Zach! Zach! ZACH! HEY! Hey Zach! DON'T WORRY! LOOK WHAT I GOT!!!" - Annie, to Zach, pointing to the Onion flavored Bagel Chips she pilfered for our haunted cottage room

"I may not have seen things correctly, so correct me if I'm wrong, but when I walked down by the fire last night, I could have sworn you were roasting a shoe and wearing a kimono." - Annie, to Zach, "I would like to refute both of those facts, but unfortunately, that's what they are: facts."- Zach, to Annie, facing the cold, hard truths of the rehersal dinner for Beth & Ryan

"You know, I hear Hurricane Ernesto, the emergence of the Kraken, and 4 people dying by electrocution on your wedding day is considered good luck." - Zach, to Ryan, while being trapped in the cottage during the dark and evil 30 minute storm

"Congratulations to you man. You're in charge of Andi now. That just means less Andi for the rest of us! We really appreciate all you're doing." - Zach, to Alex, Andi's boyfriend, during the reception

"Congratulations Zach, you're sleeping with BOTH of my daughters." - Gordon, to Zach, "Thank you, Gordon. Thank you." - Zach

"Zach for fuckin' President!" - random dude at the wedding, who told me this like 5-fucking-hundred times. Random dude, I don't know who you were, but I subscribe to your newsletter

"I don't feel comfortable carrying your sister into the crib because if she wakes up and realizes a total stranger is putting her in a crib, she might freak out." - Billy, to Annie, about our scheme to get Meghan in the crib, "I think she might end up more pissed about being IN a crib, than the mode of transport that led to the crib." - Zach, to Billy

"Oh Zach! My friend Colleen is coming over! You're gonna love her!" - Lizzie, "Why? Is she Asian?" - Zach, "Don't be silly Zach, you know I hate Asians." - Lizzie

"You know, it takes like 6 years for a shirt to be organized . . ." - Zach, semi-conscious, semi-logically, regreting the loss of his sweatshirt to Annie

"Look. It's Beth's wedding night. If she wants to spend it at Benson's Animal Farm, that's her choice." - Zach, even less-logically, though again, to Annie

"Frond! You made me blow pomegranate on my glasses!" - Monique, to Zach

"Have you heard anything about Fat Jen lately?" - Aly, "I hear she's pretty fat." - Zach

"Awwwww, when are your garbage babies due?!" - Kate, to Zach

"Asking Evie if she likes root beer is like asking Morrisey if he's gay." - Peter, to Zach

"Did you hear our friend is having a baby? And if it's a boy they're going to name him Bebop and . . ." - Zach, " . . . if it's a girl they're going to name her Rocksteady?" - Rick, "Oh, so you DID hear!" - Zach

"Did you hear Harry Potter is supposed to die in the next book?" - Mom, to Zach, "Oh you don't know that for sure. The news says all sorts of things." - Zach, "Wait, who died?" - Nanny, "Harry Potter." - Mom, "I don't know him." - Nanny, "He's not a local kid Nanny, he's a character." - Zach, "A character?" - Nanny, "Come on, I KNOW you've heard of the books and the movies. Harry Potter?! Come on." - Zach, "Wait . . . is this fantasy?!" - Nanny"I guess. Kind of." - Zach, "Oh I don't support that." - Nanny, "Fine, Mom." - Mom, "So this kid? He died? And now everyone's in an uproar?" - Nanny "No. He DIDN'T die. Mom just thinks he might. In the last book." - Zach, " . . . " - Nanny, "Mom? - Mom, "Look. Now listen to me. Nancy and Sluggo are still alive and that's all I care about. And that Aunt Fritzi? She has to take care of Nancy and she hasn't aged a day!" - Nanny

"Ohhhh! That's MY provider!" - Jill, after finding someone else with the same cell phone company as her

"You know what makes my mouth happy?" - Aly, "The penis?" - Katherine, "TWIZZLERS! God, TWIZZLERS! I'm pretty sure we were looking for 'twizzlers'." - Zach

"I felt like I was a balloon escaping air." - Jill, who then sees Zach grabbing paper and pen to write it down, "Hey!! That wasn't a quote! That was a . . . schmote." - Jill

"Friend, I don't want to talk to YOU or your triscuit nipples! Or your nipplicits!" - Jill, to Zach

"Amber-Tiffany Theissen is on the tampon machine at Vactionland Bowling." - Jill, to anyone who would listen

"Aly, you're the worst person ever. And I mean that in the best way possible." - Zach

"Dibs on the hose. No questions." - Vince, to Zach

"I thought you were gonna say, 'my thing', and grab your crotch." - Amy, to Aly, "I . . . don't know what you're talking about." - Aly

"She's like that fucking card throwing or whatchamacallit!" - Jill, about Amy, "Um . . . Gambit?" - Vince

"Ok . . . I have a question to ask for my 'clear card'." - Amy, on her decidedly "unclear" NINE of SPADES

"You know what else likes shiny things? Is fish." - Amy, to Aly & Zach

"I say curdins instead of 'curtains' because I'm from Maine." - Aly, "You know what else likes curdins? Is fish." - Zach

"I'm pretty sure that Hannaford is open until 1 a.m." - Jill, "And I'm pretty sure you're drunk." - Zach

"The time clock keeps screwing up my time card. It keeps punching my out spot." - Nate, to Zach, "I bet you like getting punched in the out spot." - Zach

"I think the Donkey Slap is funnier than the Donkey Punch." - Little Nick, "What's the difference?" - Matt B., "Donkey Punch is something rough - for sex with a whore. Donkey Slap is something gentle - for intercourse with your wife." - Zach

"Matt, wanna see some hot foaming action in the hole?" - Little Nick, to Matt, concerning the new bee killing foam he bought and planned to drown their undergrown lair with

"If this pancake sausage on a stick isn't hot enough when it comes out of the microwave I . . . I . . . I'm gonna write a letter of complaint to Jimmy Dean." - Big Nick, to Zach, "You do that." - Zach, "Oh, there's no point. Jimmy Dean will just predictably respond the same way that he always does: 'Different microwaves may vary in temperature.'" - Big Nick

"Friend, you know how convenience stores have signs that glow OPEN on the outside to let people know they are still open?" - Zach, to Kate "Yeah, why?" - Kate, "Well, you should have probably put one outside of your place tonight in neon that said, 'On My Period' and it would have saved us all a lot of trouble." - Zach

"I came out of work the other night and there was apple crisp on my car." - Lisa, to Kate

"I don't like it when people are talking about things on sticks when I have no things on sticks!" - Zach, to Nate and Jamie, concerning pancake sausages on a stick

"I was up late the other night and caught one of those 'Leno' programs. And I gotta tell ya, I don't know how he does it! He says the damndest things! All those one-liners! It's really amazing." - Nanny, "Well . . . I'm going to kill myself now." - Zach, "Oh what an awful thing to say!" - Nanny

"Thank you. Thank you for telling me about this magical place." - Jeff, to Zach, regarding the PizzaFest @ the Redhook Brewery

"Wanna join my new company?" - Zach, "What's it called?" - Rex, "Bristow-Miller." - Zach, [then, 4 minutes later] "I can't join your company. I just remembered that I already work for The Price Is Right." - Rex

"I think your Mom just drove up." - Hayley, "Or . . . it COULD be the Mystery Peanut." - Rex, [Andrea walks in] "I knew it. Mystery Peanut." - Rex

"These chips are a flavor adventure!" - Hayley, on the Humpty Dumpty 'Dressed Up' chips during the Lost S3 premiere

"Oohh oohh, here she comes! Watch out or she'll chew you up! Oohh oohh, here she comes! She's a . . . 'something, something.'" - Monique, singing to herself, "It's MANEATER. MAN. EATER! It's the name of the FUCKING song!" - Zach

"Peter, Peter! Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater. Peter, Peter! Peter, Peter, Pumpking Eater!" - Rich, soon joined by Hannah, Brian, Julie, Monique, and Zach in an attempt to sing to Peter with the thought that it would improve his Quarters skillZ

"Your farts are like molasses!" - Hannah, to Brian

"All I know is, I heard some noise coming from the living room and Brian wasn't back in bed. So I went out to investigate and I find Brian, in nothing but his underwear and a pair of glow-in-the-dark glasses, rummaging through Monique's purse." - Hannah, busting Brian

"I have a new nickname." - Rich, "What is it?" - Zach, "H.R. McRichy." - Rich, "That's stupid." - Zach, "No. It's not. It's like from 'The Grey's Anatomy Show'." - Rich, "Ok." - Zach, "You know, they have Dr. McSteamy?" - Rich, "Yes." - Zach, "So it's like Dr. McSteamy from 'The Grey's Anatomy Show'." - Rich, "I understand that, but still . . ." - Zach, " . . . so H.R. McRichy is my new nickname. Like Dr. McSteamy." - Rich, "STOP SAYING McSteamy." - Zach, "Like from 'The Grey's Anatomy Show'." - Rich, "Who gave you this nickname anyway?" - Zach, "I did." - Rich, "So you're going to ASK PEOPLE to call you 'H.R. McRichy'?" - Zach, "Yes." - Rich

"You know Zach, after we graduated, I just figured it'd just be like, 'See you later Z.F., have a nice life.', but now we've seen you a ton lately." - Tom, "Um . . . thanks?" - Zach

"Brian, did you fart again?!" - Hannah, "NO . . . it's just trailing." - Brian

"Brian, did you fart again?!" - Monique, "No. It's trailing." - Brian, in what would be his final New Hampshire goodbye (for now) for he and Hannah to Monique and me - while we idled in a cold and empty Hart's parking lot first thing in the morning

"I've totally not been rocking the European kiss." - Zach, to Monique

"Cindy, where do we keep the horsefly hidin' jars?" - Zach, in an inquiry that could only lead to further trouble

"Speak of the peepin' devil!" - Jamie, to Zach, regarding Peeper's sudden appearance on the scene

"The taste of this gum is messing my mind - wicked." - Little Nick, to Zach, regarding the coffee flavored gum

"That's a horrible way to boil tubers." - Ryan, critiquing SurvivorMan on tv

"I have something to tell you that may destroy the building blocks of our friendship." - Zach, "If you say you're going to quit drinking, I swear . . ." - Kate, "Oh God NO! Please. God. No. No. Seriously." - Zach, "So, what is it?" - Kate, "I . . I . . . I think I'm going to get a gym membership." - Zach, " . . . " - Kate, "Hello?" - Zach, " . . . hi." - Kate, "Hi." - Zach, "So what's for dinner?" - Kate, "We can meet at the York Hannaford." - Zach, "Oh good! I love York Hannaford!" - Kate, "At 6:30, we can meet in the cheeses." - Zach, "Did you just say 'meat & cheeses'?" - Kate, "Oh my God I wish I did!" - Zach, "Me too." - Kate, "That's totally my new band name! 'The Meat and Cheeses'. Hmmmm, this probabaly isn't a good start for someone about to join a gym." - Zach

"I got 17 problems, and a gecko ain't one." - Justin, to Zach

"This thing smells like a hundred nectarines." - Jamie, to Zach, regarding the squid ball

"It's really the Holy Grail of the pancake sausages." - Zach, to Cindy, Jamie, and Mark, regarding the chocolate flavored pancake sausages

"If you had to change your name to the name of a board game, what would it be?" - Zach, to Mark, "You're an idiot." - Mark, "Ok, well, I don't know THAT game, but I think that you would be either Parcheesi - because you're so cheesy, or Yahtzee - because you're so repetitious. Me? I think I . . . I think I'd be Perfection." - Zach

"Why do they call it menstruate instead of womenstruate?" - Big Nick, to Chase and Zach

"What are we doing for lunch today?" - Jamie, to Zach, "I don't know. My neck hurts though." - Zach, "Um . . . ok . . . soooo, nothing too big for lunch then?" - Jamie

"You want to come to Foxwoods with me for Thanksgiving?" - Justin, to Zach, "Um, I don't think so." - Zach, "There'll be drinking and gambling!" - Justin, "And I appreciate that, but I have Thanksgiving to go to as well as the Reunion and . . ." - Zach, "Fuckabunchofthatshit!!" - Justin, "'Fuckabunchofthatshit'?" - Zach, "Fuckabunchofthatshit!!" - Justin, "I'm not entirely sure what you just said but I know I love it." - Zach

"You probably didn't notice but a kid from our high school that used to go by the nickname, 'Stats' is here tonight!" - Jeff, to Zach, at The Sports Page, "Yeah. I did notice. His name is Peter." - Zach, to Jeff, refering to Peter, who was one seat away, "I know! Isn't it amazing?!" - Jeff

"Could you do me a huge favor?" - Jeff, to waitress at The Sports Page, "Um . . . ok . . . like what?" - Waitress, "Could you kick the old people out of our section?" - Jeff, claiming the 'old people' sitting behind us were ruining our fun

"Aim for the right quadrant!! THE RIGHT QUADRANT!" - Rich, during darts at D. Street, with Jeff, Jimbo, and Peter

"Lady, my name is NOT 'Mista'." - Rich, to some random girl during darts that was calling him, apparently, "Mista"

"The nickel in my I Spy book reminds me of you." - Dottie, to Zach (obviously)

"Trust him, but still keep your eyes open." - Zach's Chinese food fortune on 11/20/06 - because, you know, that's not ridiculously sketchy or anything

"Now there are a couple of sandwich knowers!" - Sarah, to Zach

"You clods are about as subtle as hyena prostitutes." - Zach, to Jamie, Joyce, Frank, Mark, Big Nick, et al. - involved in the "Great Dakine Prank of '06"

"Tommy, no court of law would blame us for leaving to go to Hot Topic at this point." - Zach, to Tommy, after Monique (AND RYAN!) abandoned us at the Charlotte Russe at Steeplegate, "Agreed." - Tom

"Oh my God. Seriously. I think my hand just had a heart attack. I've gone numb." - Zach, to Ryan, Tom, and Monique, due to him being on the losing end of that horrific game display at Spencers where you have to hold the handles with buttons and one person gets shocked/electrocuted, "I didn't think it hurt too bad." - Monique, "That's BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T EVEN PLAY!" - Zach, "So?" - Monique

"Just dip it, Joe. You know you want to dip it so just go ahead and dip it." - Monique, to Ryan (aka - Joe), about his dipable (as advertised) sandwich, while we feasted at T.G.I. Fridays in Concord

"If I'm gonna have to look at a butt, I don't want it to be a brown butt." - Monique's Mom, remarking on the ugly colors of the Tampa Bay Bucs uniforms, "I'll take any butt I can get!" - Monique, "Monique, you should really be more selective." - Monique's Mom

"I'm going to tell the Tilt'n Diner to take their fucking bacon and shove it up their fucking asses!" - Steph, to Keith W. and Zach, after a few too many Modelos on Thanksgiving night

"That's a real muck pajama." - Monique, making up new words to describe the high water flowing over the embankment by the Belknap Mill

"It smells like a whore smoked in here." - Monique, commenting on the lovely (and stagnant) aroma at the posh Landmark Inn

"I just saw Crystal 'Meth' raving with a midget on the dance floor." - Rick, to Zach, at the Funky Monkey, after the reunion, "Ok. I think I'm going to cry. I need to go get Jimbo and then we'll both meet you back here at this exact spot and you will bring us to this wondrous sight." - Zach, who unfortunately never did see Crystal "Meth" and the raving midget

"Let's go eat Cumberland Farms!" - Monique, overzealous and hungry (shocking, I know), to Rick and Zach

"Rachelle, be alert! There's a Bernier in the back aisle and a 2-liter bottle of pepsi rolling on the floor!" - Zach, whispering to Rachel, on the dangers inherent to our late night visit to Cumberland Farms

"I always thought Mrs. Mulcahey's first name was 'Mrs.'!" - Annie, to Monique and Rick

"So apparently there's a 'naked Nordique man with a goiter, peddlin' drugs a few doors down'. Doesn't that make for a great story?" - Rick, to Zach, Monique, Rachel, McKeen, and Annie

"It's an old gypsy trick!" - McKeen, to Monique, when asked why he's putting a wet rag on his eyes before he goes to sleep (which, allegedly will cure a hangover)

"These scrambled eggs seem to be severed in the Georgia O'Keefe style." - Zach, to Annie, Monique, Rick, Jimbo and McKeen concerning his vagina-esque eggs at the world famous Soda Shoppe

"He can't sit there! That's the pancake chair!" - Annie, about Jimbo's seat choice, which had previous been the place on the table where all our excess pancakes were. We're gluttons.

"That Crystal 'Meth' is made almost entirely of brittle bones. She doesn't walk - she scuttles." - Monique, sharing her feelings about Crystal with Rick, Jimbo, Annie, Zach, and McKeen

""Why did we have to leave Soda Shoppe so quickly?" - Monique, to Rick, "Because Steph was on the verge of starting a donnybrook in the back room." - Rick

"Doesn't Faith have the most amazing handwriting?! I wish I made a photocopy of it." - Steph, to group, about Josh's wife's apparent expert penmanship

"I drank some beer in Vermont one time and I was fucked up." - Steph, to group at some coffee bar on Canal St. in LA, "Did she just say she, 'drank some beer and was a PHANTOM!'?!" - Zach, whispering to Jess, "No, 'fucked up', not 'phantom'." - Jess, "Oh. I like my version better." - Zach, "I do too." - Jess

"I think you were just the victim of a drive-by barbeque saucing." - Rick, to Zach

"That'll make Phil act like a chinchilla in a bath house!" - Andrea, to Zach

"Look at all the green!" - Little Nick, to Zach, as he sees Jamie and Co. bring in the newly painted green cabinets, "Yup." - Zach, "They should call this place Dover MaGreen." - Little Nick (followed by about 5 minutes of the two of us laughing)

"Why is Wentworth by the Sea supposed to be so fancy?" - Zach, to Little Nick, "Because they have these big things you can put soup in or take a bath in." - Little Nick

"Jessica Rabbit was the person who made me realize that girls weren't the enemy." - Zach, to Chase, about the voluptuous wife of Roger Rabbit "So who was it that made you realize that girls are, in fact, the enemy?" - Chase, "Hmmmmm . . . Ursula. Probably Ursula." - Zach

"Has anyone seen Jackie?" - Zach, to TC and Liz "Well, she likes to hide behind curtains." - TC, "Hmmm, that's odd, because I punched most of the curtains I walked by. I guess I must have missed the one Jackie was in." - Zach

"If I'm going to eat some of that lamb, I'm going to have to go to another room so no one can see me eat it." - Matt G., to Shannon, Zach and Kristen, under the fear that eating the lamb at Kelly & Jim's reception with a suit on would be a messy affair

"You know, it's perfectly fine for you to use your nose and/or ear wax to bring the foam down." - Zach, to bartender at Kelly & Jim's reception, on a tip to bring an elderly woman's foam down, "I know sir. But I can't do that sir. I'd be fired sir." - Bartender

"Do you think they'll tell me that I can't have more than one?" - Shannon, asking Matt and Zach if the servers will comment on her hunger, "They might not say it but they'll think it." - Zach

" . . . summers on Lake Winnipesaukee . . ." - Kelly's sister, listing memories during a speech at the reception, "Hey! That's where we're from!" - TC & Zach, synchronized, overly loud, during a quiet moment, in which everyone heard us and stared. Um - embarassing.

"Now that we've blessed the meal with prayer, you may eat." - Person saying blessing at reception, "Oh." - Matt G., TC, Liz, Jackie & Zach, looking down, having eaten their salad

"Hey Roger Rabbit, I wish I had gotten a picture of that." - Liz, to Zach, concerning the giant carrot he unintentionally wolfed down in one bite - an act of shame only her and Michael saw

"How you feelin'?" - Jason, to Zach, "Have you ever partied so hard that your armpits hurt the next morning?" - Zach, "Yes." - Jason, "That's how I feel." - Zach, the morning after Kelly and Jim's wedding

"She's got more yeast than J.J. Nissan." - Zach, about PIBB, to Mark and Jamie

"I was helpful just then, so do you think I'll get a batch of sex burgers too?" - Zach, to Jamie

"Heath Ledger is always so serious." - Zach, "Not a fan of him." - Jamie, "Yeah, but have you seen Monster's Ball?" - Zach, "No." - Jamie, "Because he's really good in that." - Zach, "Doesn't he **CENSORED** in that movie?" - Little Nick, "You fuckin' idiot. Go back downstairs. You're not allowed up for the rest of the day!" - Zach, "WHY?!" - Little Nick, "Jamie JUST said that he HASN'T seen Monster's Ball, and then you just ruined it!" - Zach, "That part happens in like the first two scenes!" - Little Nick, "No. It. Doesn't. It happens halfway through." - Zach, "Oh. Yeah." - Little Nick, "Wait, I thought Monster's Ball was a cartoon." - Jamie, ". . . no. It . . . no. You're . . . you're thinking of Monster's INC." - Zach, "Ohhhhhhh, but Monster's Ball WOULD make a sweet cartoon!" - Little Nick, "I hate you both." - Zach

"Nobody's gonna put a hole in my monster!" - Chase, to Little Nick and Zach

"So you're gonna make your crippled girlfriend come pick you up because Meathead is in your way?! That's real nice." - Zach, to Big Nick

"The truth is contagious, Zach! And I'm syphillis! Game on!" - Jason, to Zach, concerning Beirut

"If our best friend Zach was here, HE'D let us cut in the bathroom line." - Random 19-year-old girls, "Um . . . I highly doubt he'd let you do that." - Zach, to a bunch of girls who obviously didn't know who Zach really was

"Do you like mustard sandwiches?" - a hungover Jamie, to a hungover Zach, "I . . . I don't even know what that means. But my guess is no, since I don't even like mustard." - Zach, "WHAT?! What about dijon?!" - Jamie, "No. Not even dijon." - Zach, to Jamie, who had drunkenly eaten three mustard sandwiches the previous night (a.k.a. - three sub rolls full of mustard)

"Friend, are you caught up on comics?" - Zach, "No." - Shan-Y, "Did you ever read the wedding business?" - Zach, "I don't remember." - Shan-Y, "Oh - you'd remember!" - Zach, "I would?" - Shan-Y, "It was big." - Zach, "How big?" - Shan-Y, "Wicked big." - Zach, "Like 'Luke & Laura's Wedding' big?" - Shan-Y, " . . . you know, I wish more of my friends routinely rated things on the, 'Luke & Laura's Wedding Scale'." - Zach, "It's the only scale I use." - Shan-Y

"Hilary, some of my family is coming in tonight, but I promise they won't get drunk and try to kiss you." - Zach, to Hilary, hoping to avoid another 'incident'

"Um . . . YOU'RE WELCOME!" - Zach, "Am I supposed to be thanking you for something?" - Megan, "Um . . . it's not everyday somebody showers you with chocolate covered mint sticks!" - Zach, "Oh, right . . . thank you." - Megan

"This band sounds like Mogwai + Yo La Tengo - J. Geils Band + Wire." - Peter, on Radka, Bryan's band

"Speaking of Jacob, I sold my two jig-ups." - Jamie, to Zach, "That's the worst segue I've ever heard." - Zach "But it's still a segue!" - Jamie

"Guess what this is." - Zach, to Jamie, during inventory, "A kill switch?" - Jamie, "No stupid, it's a bulb primer. And no, I DON'T know what that means." - Zach, "Well . . . it looks like a sex toy for pixies." - Jamie

"You smell." - Zach, "Your face smells." - Brad, "I . . . dammit. You got me." - Zach

"Are you cuckoo for cocoa puffs?!" - Frank, to Jamie, "Nope. Cuckoo for duck feet." - Jamie

"I will use my maxi-pad face to kill you Yoshimoto!" - an extremely inebriated Jason, to Zach

"Remember. only you can prevent forest fires." - Little Nick, "Why . . . why are you saying that to me?" - Zach, "Oh, well - because I was just thinking about cavaties." - Little Nick

"When in doubt, beards rule above all." - Little Nick, in his main argument about why ZZ Top just might be better than the Beatles

"Someone gave me a candle and it smells like Strawberry Shortcake." - Monique, to Zach, "That's nice." - Zach, "No. It's not. Since it doesn't even smell like her, but like one of her friends!" - Monique

"So my penis got stingy the other day, and I was like, 'ahhh! stinkbug!', but nah, I think the sting was from a girl in Hong Kong." - Dustin, "I see the Navy has changed you SO much." - Zach

"You two are a regular 'Laverne & Shirley'." - Frank, to Zach & Mark, "Actually, I prefer to think of Mark as 'Carmine' - or 'the Big Ragu' if you will - and myself as 'Boo Boo Kitty'." - Zach

"I'm giving you my knowledge! Take it! And hold it close to your heart!" - Little Nick, to Joyce, Moe, and Zach

"Get that benzocaine off of my ear!" - Jamie, to Zach

"It looks like a vagina on a stick!" - Aunt Sabby, to Mom, "Stop it! That's sacreligious on Christmas!" - Zach's Mom

"He's always giving me free shampoo for some reason." - Jeff, to Chad, about Solar

"I heared that if the digital shorts didn't work out for SNL this year, that they're gonna bring on Andrew Dice Clay." - Mikey, "Right. And then Nora Dunn . . ." - Ryan, " . . . and Ellen Cleghorne . . ." - Zach, " . . . will come back, just so they can say they're not coming back." - Ryan

"I never liked Hall & Oates and nothing you can say can make me change my mind!" - Zach's Mom, out of fucking nowhere, on Christmas morning, to Zach & Don, "Um . . . I don't think anyone was attempting to." - Zach, "GOOD then!" - Mom

"I was going to buy you a different men's fitness magazine, but that Josh Duhamel was on the cover and I will not support him!" - Mom, to Don, "Um . . . why?" - Zach, "I don't need to explain myself!" - Mom

"Ohhh! This is so meaningful! Because I love trees! And I love penguins!" - Mom, on opening a tree ornament and a penguin ornament

"Mom, you didn't invent the name 'Shaniqua'!" - Brad, to Sabby, "Yes I did!" - Sabby

"Janna, eat some of these pear things! They're really good!" - Zach, to Janna, concerning the pear/goat cheese/bacon dessert Don made on Christmas, "I can't. I just ate a bunch of potato skins on the way over here." - Janna, "You probably mean, that before you came over, you ate some potato skins." - Zach, "No. They were so good that I brought them with me and ate eleven in the car." - Janna

"I'm having the liquid diet tonight." - Coty, to our waitress at a brewery in Nashua

"I have two kitty biddies." - Coty, to TC and Zach, "I - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You have 'two. Kitty. BIDDIES?" - TC

"*Sigh* . . . I can't quadruple team on a full stomach." - Coty

"Do you see her name on the check?" - Coty, "Yeah, Ashley." - Zach, "Actually . . . ASSley." - Coty

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