2005-12-01 - 10:46 p.m.

Oh what hath December brought me? The steamy reunion between Abby & Luka this longtime coming? I've barely watched ER all season and when I tune in tonight? It's Abby and Luka finally giving back in to each other. I knew that drunken miscue at that Christmas party a few seasons back couldn't be all she wrote. If this is what Abby and Luke got for Kate for her birthday, I can only imagine what they have in store for me on mine! But it's not my birthday we are here to discuss. No, you see, while I chisel away the hours in photoshop hell trying to ready the New York entry, today is friend's birthday. Excuse me, it's Frond's birthday. Oh wait, that's still not clear. It's Catfish's birthday. Damn it. I mean Badmood's special day. FINE. It's KATE'S birthday. It's not my fault she has so many nonsensical nicknames. Oh wait, it is my fault. Oh well. The following is a special Kate-centric entry that you probably won't enjoy in the least in less you're Kate. It's sort of like a Charlie-centric episode of Lost, but there's no Charlie and this isn't an episodic television show focusing on a mysterious island pockmarked by untimely flashbacks, black stallions and polar bears . . . or is it? It's not. Well, I guess I'll cancel that order of onions and limburger cheese and go on with the show. [And let's all ignore the fact that by the time I actually finish this entry it will no doubt be the 2nd of December and no longer friend's bidet. Ah well.]

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Hot damn! Did someone say it's Badmood's Birthday? I just climbed up this hill to share with you some of my favorite quotes and quagmires that involved that ol' foodsetkepper! Flat Eric was supposed to help me in this endeavor, but I'll be damned if he's not off watching a Card Sharks marathon on Game Show Network . . . or something.

- February 6th, 2003 -

It's been 5 hours. In that time, Andrea, Kate, and I managed to have a Moe�s Party, a water fight, a Dotty sponsored tongue bath (ok, that was just Kate) and THREE trips to McDonald�s. But only on one of those trips to McDonald�s did I actually get something for me. Mmmmm, coffee shake. Anyway, my shirt is wet (thanks to Kate), the back of Kate�s knees are wet (thanks to me), and one of my comics is wet (thanks to Andrea). So you know. That�s fun. And yes, Andrea is still living. Surprisingly. She owns that comic now. Seriously, the three of us must not be getting enough oxygen. Or as Kate keeps claiming, �I think it�s all that Salami.�

You enjoyed that, eh? Well I dug up some more fun tidbits. Get it? "Dug up"? And I'm holding a shovel? GET IT? Well, you better enjoy the tidbits, because that's pretty much gonna be the theme of this here entry.

- September 9th, 2002 -

So, I met Kate in the parking lot at 10 past 9 while still trying to remember who I was and where I was going. I also had no shoes on and realized I had forgotten my watch. But I was carrying some shoes. So that made things better. But they were my Tevas and they smelled. So that wasn't as cool. I remember saying something to Kate when I got in the car that I could go for one of those "Steak and Shakes" we saw out West. Kate laughed and said "mmmmmmmmmm". She later told me that she thought I had said I could go for "a Steak Shake" to which she laughed at and then after thinking about it briefly decided it would, after all, make a tasty treat (hence the "mmmmmmmmmm") . . .

Kate is IM-ing back and forth with me (which has to be the height of "technology for the lazy" as we were less than 2 feet from each other) when a certain person from Laconia comes in. He's younger than me, but I certainly know him and he knows me. (Let's just say he has the same name as my roommate and his brother has the same name as me) We don't really make eye contact so I don't have to say hi or anything. Kate knows him too and we start Im-ing stupid shit back and forth to each other and it's only making us laugh and draw attention to ourselves even more. And then she just bolts because she's hungry and leaves me to pick up the pieces. Whatever . . .

Whoa! Let's slow down now. In my quest to unearth delicious Kate recollections, I've almost taken a bit of tumble down this ginormous chasm! Luckily, it helped me to find the following . . .

- March 31, 2003 -

Work has been as much fun as dysentary lately. It's come down to Kate and I having to buy Maxim, Stuff, and FHM - letting one of us read it first and while they are reading it, the person has to mark all the lines, faces, ads they find funny and put their own comments in sometimes too - then the second person gets to read it and it's that much more fun. This is what we do for fun people. Save us. The people at Ann Taylor LOFT probably have a fucking keg hidden out back. I know they do. And it will be ours. Oh yes, it will be ours. But until we get that keg, we will have to buoy our fun times with the new Play Visions shipment which is full of squishy balls and water weenies up the wazoo!

Oh hey, what's up. Just your old friend Spidey here. It seems I've taken a bit of a tumble down the aforementioned chasm. Lucky for me, since Waldi doesn't believe in doors being inside houses, and only outside, my ass is saved! And I got this bee-yoo-tee-ful flower in the process. If Flat Eric was here I'd have him wear it behind his ear! If . . . if he had ears.

- May 29th, 2004 -

After I left Manch I met Kate, Jahannah and "other" Kate (their roommate) at Quigley's and hung out there for a bit. Jahannah and "other" Kate went out to Brewery Lane (which "other" Kate had a problem pronouncing and kept calling it "Blueberry Lane", which any LA peep will tell you makes it infinitely more funny). I followed Kate back to her new place in Kittery (which is vomit-inducingly close to the not-so-dearly departed Sheriff's place). I like their new place, despite the fact that it's on like the 37th floor of this apartment building. We watched the rebroadcast of the Sox game, mostly so could get to see Ortiz's grand slam, while Austin conned us into eating "other" Kate's frozen pizza. And if you know Kate and I at all, you can imagine that very little work had to go into Austin conning us into eating the pizza. And then Kate and I tried desperately to make sure "other" Kate's mind didn't wander to the subject of pizza when she came home from "Blueberry Lane". This was much harder than you may think.

Flat Eric here! Just coolin' out on my gigantic, dangerous, shiny-ass saw-type mechanism! It's totally normal to have something like this hanging out in the middle of any home. As far as I'm concerned, it's weird if you don't have one of these in the center of every one of your rooms. Anyway, I thought Spider-Man was supposed to meet me here, but I'm not exactly the smartest bell in the church tower, so I may have heard "construction site" when he said "excavation site". Hmmmmmm, until I figure that one out, here's some Kate tomfoolery written by Kate herself after she found out there was going to be a Memorial Day Weekend BBBQ in Rollinsford!

- April 18, 2005 -

Ooooh party. That sounds cheddarwurstarific! Much like vegetarians need special items on airplanes, I'm going to need a special menu for this party. Specifically extra cheese and meat. Items that fall under the cheese category include (but are not limited to) cheddar cheese, brie, crunchy cheese doodles, black pepper jack chips, cheese sticks, mozzarella sticks, cheeseburgers, cheese dogs, aforementioned cheddarwurst, fondue, blocks of cheese, spray cheese, cheese dips, cheesecake and cream cheese on celery sticks. Cheese items do not include head cheese. Meat items include pepperoni slices, italian sandwiches, slim jims, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, corn dogs, beef teriyaki, steak tips, buffalo tenders, chicken (not necessarily in a biscuit) and spicy meatballs. To make it easier on you and the rest of the guests, you can set up a separate table with said items and designate it "Kate's Vittles." I'm sure everyone will understand that I have a special diet that not everyone else is used to, so it will probably be best if no one else eats my food. Just forcefully suggestin� is all.

What? WHAT?! Like you've never ended up mounting your table saw while you search for Spider-Man! I thought . . . I thought he might . . . be at the top of the saw? I don't know. Don't you judge me! Don't you dare judge me!

- June 6, 2003 -

So yeah. The kids liked the movie and on the way out of the theater Kate �accidentally� slammed Todd�s head into the exit door and cut his head open like a melon [or a Walden if you will] and that was a little bit of an incident. He bled a little and I don�t think he remembers anything from the last 6 months, but he�ll be fine. It was nothing that Chuck E. Cheese couldn�t fix . . .

Yeah. So Chuck E. Cheese. As Kate had pointed out beforehand, there was definitely less cheese than advertised. I guess I can see why kids flip out for the Chuckster, but man oh man, were Kate and I let down. Granted, we had been building it up in our head for weeks and we were pretty much anticipating an intimate sit down with Chuck E. himself. Instead, we got a bunch of punk ass bitch employees who decided that they were gonna start to close early and vacuum and be stupid and gross and stupid. And gross. This was such a low-rent Chuck E. Cheese. If there is such a thing . . .

Then Ben, Kate and I proceeded to get tanked. Aren�t we good babysitters? I think so. Then I made Kate tell the Freshman Year sandal story, only to find out that one of the main players in the story was Katie Haynes. A fact that Kate had left out during every previous version. If you know who she is � bully for you. You�re smarter then Ben. For the life of him, he couldn�t remember who she was. We kept trying to describe her to him. Nothing. He was like, �I don�t know this Kitty Haynes.� Which led to me saying �Meow, meow, give me back my sandals!�, which let me tell you friend, after a few tall glasses of warm Corona with lime, that sounds like the funniest fucking thing you�ve ever heard . . .

Anyway, we all ended up passing out, with Ben's cacophonous snoring waking us up and while Kate tried to cry herself back to sleep, I just psychotically rocked myself back and forth mumbling, "T.O.C., T.O.C., T.O.C. . . ."

Hmmmm . . . this doesn't really look like I'm doing a good job searching for Spidey does it? Perhaps I can distract you from noticing my lazy wackiness with some more Kate excerpts? Hold the phone . . . I think I hear Spidey yelling for help . . .

- May 9, 2002 -

Tonight, on a "Wallakers!" to cherish, a hero falls, panic breaks out at FRM, and a hero will unite them all, and one ring will bind them . . .or something. Anyway, the hero that fell, the original Pigpen Champion (but highly undignified Pass the Pigs loser) Kate "more cheese please" Bedford worked her last Thursday night with me for the forseeable future. It was a momentous affair, that at least our stomachs will remember for years to come. It's not just ANY staff departure that is celebrated with (hold on to your hats): Vanilla & Strawberry Shakes, Cheez-its, Hudd-in-a-hurry Chocolate Chip Cookies, FRENCH FRIES (WITH "CHEESE PACK DIP" SAUCE) and SPIDER-MAN FLAVA-ICE!!!! Yes, it was definitely one for the record books. But like a muskrat that just doesn't know when the roadkill has been picked clean, ol' KB (not toys) will be working one more time tomorrow. A time when our shifts, and Cheez-its, will overlap. So, you know, if you are feeling charitable, swing on by and throw some Lindt chocolate balls at her. She'll be glad you did.

Apparently I did hear Spidey! He had fallen down this pit like so many radioactive-spider-bitten Baby Jessicas! Oh the hilarity! Luckily for me, I had access to a helicopter and a healthy amount of caution tape! Go along your business while I attempt this death-defying rescue attempt!

- December 6, 2002 -

So what else? Ahh, we did finally make it to the big O.G. Kate, Andrea, and I ate so much that the waitress was going to call poison control as she feared an overdose on Tours of Italy and breadsticks. But we assured her she was dealing with some Grade A professionals here. Oh, so so so full afterwards, but it was definitely worth it and we have Mr. Blick, and well, I *guess* Kate to thank for that.

Huzzah! Thanks to these crouqet wickets! We've reached a happy ending! Well . . . it's almost the ending . . .

- December 1, 2005 -

Earlier tonight, Catfish showed up and we decided to substitute a real dinner with copious amounts of snackamunches. Of the 4 snackamunches, 3 included cheese. Wheat Thins (Family Size!), Pub Cheese, Garlic Cheddar Block, and Bagel Bites (Party Size!) And we drank lots of water and soda. I know. We're regular party animals. We decided to try something novel and new and take in a screening of Wet Hot American Summer. It was a fantastic movie. I'm glad we gave it a shot. Then we watched the Real World: Austin reunion which was some of the most cringe-inducing, gut-busting horribleness we'd seen in many a moon. Another new tactic we tried out was reading Maxims at the same time. Aren't we fun? Aren't you jealous? You should be. Like I said, there was a LOT of cheese. And what's not to be jealous about if not cheese? I wish Catfish's present had shown up in time. Damn me for ordering from out of the country. Plus, those Fabrege Eggs can be pricey! Yeah right, this is gonna be WAY cooler than a stupid diamond egg. Mmmmmm . . . now I want scrambled eggs. With cheese.

Well, another happy ending. Hope you all enjoyed our wacky hi-jinx while we dredged brought up zany business from Badmood's past! And now, we're off to find some cheese . . .

Happy Birthday Catfish!

It's been real,

Mauston

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