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Savor The Flavor

2005-04-04 - 11:39 a.m.

Currently Searching For: Black Envelopes

Listening To: The Doors, Fiery Furnaces, Bowie, Clapton, Beck

Quote:"Whoa. A fire-breathing horse. Kick ass." - Peter

You know how you always end up with that X-shaped boomerang to fight the Grim Reaper at the top of the dungeon level when you were really hoping for the axe? And don't even get me started on the Medusa heads! But yeah, that's kind of been what my April's been like thus far. To recap: Wanting axes, getting oddly-shaped boomerangs, and dodging flying medusa heads. But hey, no one cares for you a smidge, when you're in an orphanage. Or something.

April Fool's Day this year didn't seem particularly foolish. My mother got me. As she somehow ALWAYS fucking does year in and year out. She just takes advantage of the fact that at 6:30 in the morning my brain is especially pickled and ear-wig infested and you can pretty much pull anything over on me if I'm just waking up. I won't bore you with tales of how many times Kenichi has tricked me into thinking it was "partly sunny" out first thing in the morning when it was really, "fairly cloudy". Hoo boy. But yeah, none of my fronds seemed to care much enough to even ATTEMPT to fool me on the day. I managed to get several people at work. But, well . . . it wasn't much of a challenge. Let's leave it at that. Though, I should add that I did manage to convince Fred that he's Muslim for the FIFTH year in a row. Hey, he's an easy mark. I can't help it.

Here's a fun trend that I've been noticing. Everyone being ridiculously wealthy and me not even having enough money to buy a ball of lint. Yes, I was unemployed for 3 weeks a bit back, but I feel I'm STILL trying to recover from that. And it's one thing to just "not be rich", but I'm talking about people scooting around in solid gold rocket cars. It sucks. I want a solid gold rocket car. But you just know I'd never take care of it. And it would end up collecting dust. Like pretty much every other fucking material item I own in Waldi's House of Wax.

Speaking of wax, I used to LOVE wax beans. Seriously, who decided they should be called wax beans? It doesn't sound like a great marketing technique. And I think I only ever had them for hot lunch at school. Oh go ahead and point. That's right, I ate hot lunch. Remember, no solid gold rocket car over here? And I've never had better square pizza in all my life! But yeah, can you buy wax beans, like for your own preparing and eating, at the grocery store? Because if you can? Damn! I know what I'm having for dinner tonight. They're just so . . . mmmmmmm . . . I don't know - oddly colored, odd tasting, weird texture and just . . . mmmmmm, wax beans.

Which was a somewhat good segue (hey, I can only work with what I got) to this paper's main idea. It involves pictures, so don't worry, there won't be a lot of work. Or the whitewashing of Aunt Polly's fence. One of my biggest sadnesses in having the insides of an alien corpse is that I can hardly ever drink soda anymore. It's just too many shades of wrong if I try to drink it. And God knows I still try, but never with good results. I just feel I'm missing out on this flavor revolution that's been going on the last few years. Great, I was granted full access to Pepsi Clear and Pepsi Blue, but where were all these lemon, lime, and cherry businesses when I could still partially digest those wonderful carbonated sugar waters?! Now I find out there's far more I'm missing out on then some Diet Pepsi that tastes like Sprite or Dr. Pepper peed in it. Don't believe me?

Mmmmmm, mmmmm, mmmmm. Dr. Brown's Original Cel-Ray! ORIGINAL! Not to be confused with all those imitation Cel-Ray drinks that have been flooding the market. Blend this up with some peanut butter and prune juice and you've got yourself one heck of an "Ants On A Log" Smoothie!

When just plain ol' Mandarin soda isn't doing the trick anymore, here comes Honey Frosted Mandarin to cure what ails ya. I don't really know what to say about this one. I mean, I don't have anything against the honey frosting process. But I'm just hoping - and judging from the color, I think I'm right - that this tastes more like Mandarin Oranges and not Mandarin Chicken.

Oh snap. This is the one that really breaks me. Yes, yes, I know. If I even touched this bottle to my skin my face would become so hot that flames, on the side of my face, breathing, breathless, heaving breaths . . . well, you get the point. But Red Ribbon Cherry is one thing, but Red Ribbon Cherry SUPREME!! That means it's better than all the other Red Ribbon Cherry sodas! WHY GOD?! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?! First the Pope, now this? Why have you robbed me of my ability to taste ridiculously weird soda flavors?! [Note, that last statement should not be construed as "Anti-Catholic". Just because they've been getting all the attention lately doesn't mean that every religiously tinted thing I say leans Anti-Catholic. Besides, the Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses are way higher on my list of "Anti"'s then you Catholics could EVER hope to get.]

Ok, most have you have probably already heard of Squirt. Or have seen it. Somewhere in the "70's" aisle of Shaws between the "Tab" and the "Billy Beer". I don't mind lemons so much. They make for some nice trees. But have you ever bit into one? And you robots trying to mask yourselves as humans with hilarious unintended results don't answer! Here's the thing with lemons. They are sour. As in, "Boy, when I bit into that lemon, it sure tasted sour." Which is what you would say if your mouth didn't look like someone just hit you with a tire iron of tartness. But for the apparent .03% of the population who have had their tastebuds seared off (or have drank Dunkin' Donuts hot chocolate in the last 4 months), Squirt was the drink that spoke to them. Or speaks to them. I don't know, I'm getting all my tenses confused now. Whatever. We all know I just like the design of the bottle. Oooohhhhh! Swirly!

Why am I torturing myself like this? I'm coconutty for Coconut Soda! Or I bet I would be if I ever tried it! Except. Maybe not. I don't know. Coconut is a surprisingly picky flavor. I assumed every sane squirrel in the world hearted it as much as I, but it seems like these days I can't walk three steps without someone saying, "AHHHHHHHHH!! NOT COCONUT!!" It's true. They really say that. Plus, coconut is kind of milky. And milky and soda don't really go together. You know, not like celery and soda. Excuse me, Cel-Ray. But man, some of this and that Red Ribbon Cherry Supreme?! And maybe a touch of Malibu? Ok, more than a touch, but still, you know what I mean. I would be coconutty for that! Oh wait, I already used that joke.

And then came Crush. And then came Crush.[Side Note: How many of you readers actually ever get the "Maude" reference when I write, "And then came _____, and then came ______." Because, I use it quite a bit, and it just dawned on me that what, maybe Andrea and Rick get it? Whatever. If you people aren't ready to give it up for Maude, then we're not friends anyway. Or maybe we are. Who can tell in this post-Rock ironic society we live in?]
So yeah. While I know my faithful readers would assume that I'd pick Orange Crush for a variety of reasons - #1 - That's not an odd flavor at all and - #2 - I'm thinking that ship has sailed. But STRAWBERRY?!?! Mmmmmmmmmm. Mostly because I love strawberry flavoring. I can think of at least 4 different people who banned me from going grocery shopping with them due to the fact that I don't so much "responsibly grocery shop" as I "feverishly ferret out all the foodstuffs with strawberry flavoring". Hey, a man needs to have his hobbies.

Ok, now with this soda we have . . . wait. What? "Kickapoo Joy Juice"? What the fuck is that? I can't very well make some sort of sarcaustiwitty remark about it if I don't even know what the fuck a Kickapoo is. I mean, I know there was a Native American tribe known as the Kickapoo. They were out in the mid-west. Or what Ben refers to as, "America's Breadbasket". But why are we making juice out of them? Joy juice at that? Was not soaking their blankets in malaria flavored soda not enough? We had to cut them up and juice them? What a Trail of Joy Juice Tears!

And that's what I did on my summer vacation. Or something. For those of you that don't suck - keep your ears and eyes peeled for dates and times of the first official R'ford BBBQ of the season. Late May is the target. It will likely cap off a week of NewsRadio DVDs, Lost/Alias finales, and LakePorterican weddings. Oh what a time it will be.

It's been real,


ps - New poll time! Whoa, whoa. One at a time! Don't everyone rush! You'll all have your turn! As far as the top vote getters for the last poll, they are as follows, Favorite Presidential Quirk: With 17% of the vote, with 4 ballots marked, "Warren G. Harding's addiction to drinking, gambling, and whoring. Ah, the 20's." came in third place. Which I'm sure is great consulation to Albert Fall. Except not. Second place went to, "James Garfield's ambidexterous ability to write in Greek and Latin - at the SAME TIME!" with 5 votes and 21%, and the grand prize winner is, not surprisingly, "William Howard Taft for disproving the myth, 'A Walrus Can't Be President!'" who garnered 7 votes and 29% of the total. Now go show your love of democracy and vote! Or maybe you love just clicking buttons. Fuck if I know.

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