2005-03-28 - 1:28 p.m.

What can I say? Some jokesters removed the feeding tube here at Stuff & Things and all hell broke loose. Kenichi was trying to smuggle in bread and water (symbolically, of course). But luckily, all those anti-abortionist protesters and religious wack-jobs came to my rescue and Stuff & Things has been woken from it's vegetative state slumber! Hooray! So what's happened this whole month of March? Surely things of note. Surely? Let us find out, no?

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So, anything of note in March?

Andrea: G.P.S., but not really.

Z: No no - that works, as long as people don't really think you're talking about "global positioning system".

A: Right

Z: That would be scandalous. That said, you probably should have mentioned our dinner out with Maura and her baby before G.P.S.

A: Sorry, I just have G.P.S. on the mind.

Z: You always do.

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How're we looking at March?

Jimbo: Rapid fire excitement.

Z: Indeed.

J: A rollercoaster of right to life fun! A pedderass paradise of court case conclusions!

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So anything notable in March you want to mention?

Kelly: No. That's cool.

Z: Wait, what? Nothing? You got nothing?

K:: Our good friend Abby got engaged? Kristen ran 18 miles?

Z: Damn. You really do have nothing.

K: Wait! Did I mention I cleaned my car on Easter?

Z: Moving on . . .

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Ok, this isn't working. The boobs I call friends aren't responding quick enough to make this work. They suck. Well, let's see what I can come up with on my own. Kenichi ripped my hand open and laid eggs in it. Which majorly sucked. As you can imagine. I was trying to rescue him from Fafu's inbred hound who has the IQ of a box of nails. The dog barked and Kenich freaked the fuck out and next thing you know it's scratchy scratch, bloody blood, scary scar time.

Oh, some e-mails just came in and the IM windows are starting to light up again, let's see what we get . . .

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Z: Let me guess, you getting rid of your cell phone is the biggest March news?

Liz: Well, I spent 9 days in Hawaii. But that's about it.

Z: Did I mention that one time where I hate you.

L: It's a feeling shared by many. Oh! And mention my absolute horror at turning the ripe old age of 27 in less than a month.

Z: Ew. That's gross.

L: Well, Coty and I have decided to be each other's "panic partners" if we're not married by 35.

Z: I'm outraged!

L: Oh no, don't tell me . . .

Z: I was supposed to be Coty's "panic partner"!

L: I knew it.

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Oh God, I just got Monique's response, this should be good.

Monique: Frond, you should mention -
MY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Niko and his banana
When you all surprised me on my birthday
When Misha and Niko and Chef made me a birthday cake
When Misha and Niko and Chef and Kate and I ate said cake
When I had a birthday
When I turned 27
Niko and his banana
I think that should do it.

Thank you.

Z: Ok, let's polygraph some of this information. #1 - No one surprised you on your birthday. #2 - As much as Kate would have loved to share in some cake, she wasn't there to eat any - probably much to her sadness. #3 - FINE. I'll include Niko and his god damned banana.

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So how about you, nothing of import in March?

Justin: Other than the fact that it snowed a billion times and BK Kim still sucks?

Z: No, I think that just about covers it

J: Also, you should make a cheesy March Madness joke.

Z: Eh?

J: About how all this snow made you go crazy and murder [CENSORED] but the judge aquitted you on account of your "March Madness"

Z: Hmmmm, if it wasn't for that one part, I could include it.

J: Kill someone else then.

Z: Ok

J: [CENSORED], perhaps?

Z: Hmmmmm, no. I wish, but - no. How about Fat Jen?

J: Works for me friend.

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And oh my, what have we here? Another message from Monique.

Monique: Oh, and one more thing . . .
You could mention that some braintrust at NBC decided to cancel my favorite television show (Third Watch). Or you could mention how I had a birthday and that I loved all of my emails!

Z: Monique, as it's biggest and only fan, I'm sure the cancellation of Third Watch must have hit you pretty hard. But that's what you get for putting your love into an NBC product. I hope you learned you lesson. Never give NBC love. They will only destroy it. They will treat your show like a lovable puppy and they the lovable puppy killers. Also, I didn't know it was recently your birthday. My bad.

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Ok, there seems to be a lull again. Let's see what else we got. Well, I know I went to see Robots at some point with a bunch of peoples. I think it was Kate, Andrea, Phil, Todd, Aly, Hayley, Shannon and Alex. Yeah, that sounds right. The movie was good. And I'm quite sure it was snowing like a banshee when we got out. That's pretty much all it did in March was snow, snow, snow. For reals.

View from the back door at home

View from front door of work - and yes, someone knows basic enough photoshop skillz to "blur tool" the sign

View from under the trees at Nanny's house

What else? Oh yeah. Hmmmm. This is a tough one. Remember that thing that I always used to talk about? You know, that thing? That was "secret"? And Peter and I named a vodka drink after it? A vodka drink with a brand of orange soda? Ah yes, now you follow. Well, things were a rollercoastery ride on that front for a while. So much so that I am needing to be more of a secret squirell than usual. Oh well. I doesn't much matter anymore anyway I suppose. But maybe more on it in the future. When I won't have to be so Codey McCoderson.

What else? Oh yeah. Fat Jen from G. Willikers? Oh yeah, still the fattest. Not only that, but a slut as well. She just covers all the bases. Which isn't difficult for her to physically do. SINCE SHE'S SO FAT. And did I mention the part about her being a slut? And how everyone hates her? And that no one, NO ONE is laughing WITH HER, but at her? I did mention that? Hayley and I ran into her one night at the grocery store and I thought she was going to envelop us into her ginormous stomach rolls. She was all, "ZACH! ZACH! DO YOU HAVE MY BOOK?!" She's always asking me about this fucking book that I didn't get back to her before we all lost our jobs - oh wait, not all of us, she didn't lose her job. She kept her job downtown because they wanted to be able to pay someone the least amount of money for the most amount of pounds. And honestly, I can't be mad, she blows everyone else away on THAT ratio. Also, she's fat. Also, I'm going to have to see her today when Titie and I go to Portsmouth. I'm going to return the fucking book so she doesn't keep calling and leaving bitchy, slutty, and fat messages on my cell phone. I'd call Tracey Lundgren if I wanted that. Also, I had a dream last night that I had an invisibility cloak and the first thing I did with it was sneak into G. Willikers and hit Jen in the face with a brick. Go me. Also, she's fat.

Oh good, new messages . . .

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Any memorable March moments?

Ryan: Not to mention the obvious, BUT, I can't get enough of this March Madness business! Okay, so that's not true. I don't know what it is and couldn't care less. But, in answer to your question, March was memorable to me for a couple reasons: First, I got a NEW pair of glasses. As a glasses wearer yourself, you can appreciate the importance and significance of a NEW face. With every pair starts a new chapter.
Second, I've written a formal request to the President that the month of March formally be declared (from now on . . .) as "Schiavo Season". It is an unprecedented attempt at adding a FIFTH season to our annual calendar. Schiavo Season will be celebrated across the nation as a month of prayer, reflection, and appreciation for all the OTHER retarded vegetables whom NOBODY gives a FUCK about. Okay, ENOUGH! That's terrible. I just get SO mad at her sometimes. That's it. Oh, and it was Monique's birthday. You had best mention SOMETHING or the guilt will eat you alive.

Z: Oh Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, we are definitely on the same page when it comes to rechristening late Winter/early Spring as "Schiavo Season". Just think of all the "Schiavo Formal Balls" we'll be able to attend! And I'd love to get new glasses. But I'm so broke that my back-up pairs of glasses are the ones Coty broke years ago by sleeping on them(?!) and my first pair from 5th grade. Sad. Oh yes, and I fear there hasn't yet been a mention of Monique's birthday yet. Good call.

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Good God . . .

Monique: You could also mention that I had a birthday and that Ricky absolutely refused to do his homework for the entire month, instead he chose to dance to the African beats of Erin Lovett Sherman's husband.

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So ANYWAY, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince's cover got released and it looks pretty damn sweet.

See? I told you

And sweet sassy molassey, NEWSRADIO SEASON 1/SEASON 2 on DVD IS ALMOST FUCKING HERE! It's so close I can taste the WNYX goodness!

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm . . . perfection.

And I'm quite sure I touched on the fact that Jen is an enormous whale.

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Z: And how about you friend?

Becca: I really wish I had something to share, but again like when I made a comment on one of your entries, I feel super pressured to be cool and witty and not be lame. So . . . I shall just stop talking now.

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Z: So frond - memorable moments I should touch on from the month of March?

Hayley: I had long month friend.

Z: How so?

H: I had spring break where I watched the entire first season of the OC in three days and discovered my future husband Adam Brody.

Z: That is impressive.

H: I graduated from Godsquad.

Z: Not as impressive.

H: Ummm, I didn't do much else.

Z: I know we had some adventures related to a certain [CENSORED] at the [CENSORED].

H: Oh yeah!

Z: Whose name I will censor out when I include this part.

H: We learned that she memorizes your favorite "Gastropoda".

Z: Except instead of writing "favorite [CENSORED]" I'm gonna have to write something different like, "Gastropoda"

H: Practically the same.

Z: And as always, you learned never to cross Jack Bristow.

H: Of course!

Z: That goes without saying at this point.

H: Or you'll be dead quicker than you can say, "Shan-Y, do you take Big Daddy to be your future husband?"

Z: See, I told you you'd be loads more interesting than Becca.

H: Not really friend.

Z: That's true - not really.

H: Chut up friend!

Z: Chut up Donnie!

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But honestly, if you ever have any doubts how Bush got re-elected, go hang out in a Wal-Mart some weekend evening. Well, actually, anytime is fine. But the crazy rednecks REALLY come out around dusk on Fridays. Trust me. And Kate. We know. We braved Wal-Mart on a Friday night TWICE in March. Yes, we're JUST that crazy. One time we went just because we were bored and thought "unleashing Kate and Zach on a grocery store together" was a good plan to kill an evening. And ho boy - after copious taquitos, pepperoni, crackers, cheese, beer & "Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle", I'm glad we went with that plan. It was Neil Patrick Harris-tastic! The 2nd time we went was the night before the dinner party that Chad & Mackenzie had. Those two are the King and Queen of Dinner Parties. Ben and Fafu couldn't make it because Fafu had like scurvy or vertigo or some shit. So it only ended up being me, Kate, Titie, Peter, Chad & Mackenzie and their menagerie of animals. But it was fun. Mackenize, as usual, cooked a feast. And you KNOW Kate and I have perfect attendance if a FEAST is involved. But at Wal-Mart the night before we pretty much bought the whole store before I had to convince Kate that we didn't really have to buy cauliflower, peach air spray, pimento loaf, Little Mermaid fish sticks, or Club Crackers. Club Crackers, aka - "Light, Fluffy, Buttery . . . Walden". Forget it. And don't EVEN get me STARTED on "Chicken in a Biscuit".

Foul does not even begin to describe this

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Thanks to our fearless Laconia agents TC & Jackie, we receive this bit of 80's bit of trivia. Which . . . I don't even know how to preface it. Let's just take a look:

Wait . . . what?!

Ok, hold the fucking Smurf. I mean Smurf the fucking phone. Here's the deal. There's a reason this was total fucking news to me and total fucking news to all of you reading this for the first time. Namely, IT'S NOT FUCKING TRUE. AS IN, IT'S TOTALLY FALSE. Oh Zach just can't admit that he didn't know it. WRONG AGAIN. Firstly, if there were even a Belmont Smurf or a Gonic Smurf I would have damn well remembered. For God sakes, I remember the obscure Smurfs like Poet Smurf, Clockwork Smurf and SASSETTE! BUT I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED LACONIA SMURF! ESPECIALLY if he was all "I can't hear Jokey's annoying fucking joke boxes explode because I'm smurfing hard of hearing!" SECONDLY, even on the OFF CHANCE that *I* didn't know about Laconia Smurf, you're telling me that NO ONE ELSE IN LA ever caught that episode either? WRONGO. So here's the deal. There IS NO "LACONIA SMURF". There's a female wood fairy named "Laconia" in ONE Smurf episode that Poet befriends and she's not even DEAF, but some evil witch stole her voice box. (Presumably NOT named Ursula). So 80's Game, ya fucked up. Other than that you're a perfectly enjoyable game. I swear. Also, what the fuck "Laconia" has to do with "Deaf" I have no clue. They should have named her, "Linda the Wood Fairy". Get it? Because on Sesame Street? Linda? The Deaf Woman? Fuck you.
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In upholstery news, the news is true: This be my 200th Entry. Hoorah for me. It's my Bicycle Testicle! Or however you spell Bicentennial. Oh wait, that's how. Also, you may see a new option in the upper left-hand side of Stuff & Things. Simply called, "QUOTES!", it catalogs all the quotes from the quote field at the top of each entry. Makes for some fun reading. Unless you're Jimbo. And you come to the slow realization that you make an awful lot of quotes involving the word, "dildo".

Also, thanks to Peter's gentle urging, I have now fallen in love with The Fiery Furnaces. I was trying to convert Bryan at Easter. Actually, I've been trying to spread the word to everyone. If I was still able to burn CDs I'd be sending their music all over this here land. And I'd hammer in the morning! And I'd . . . wait, what are we talking about? God, you think Grey's Anatomy got their $'s worth from using that Postal Service song? And will we EVER get a new episode of Lost? The answer: Yes, this Wednesday actually.

Ok, it's taken me all day to write this fucking thing so I am signing off and going to do laundry and then going to bed to start another fun week at [CENSORED]. In closing, let's all pray for Jon as he's about to depart for Basic Training. So let us pray that he survives the spirit-crushing non-fun that is Basic Training. And I can't think of a better way to send him off than with Sweetums . . . can you?

Sweetums say Good Luck Jon!

It's been real,

Cesar Martinez

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