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A Day In The Strife

2004-12-31 - 10:40 a.m.

Percentage Of Beer I've Drank In Last 24 Hours That's Canadian: 100

Listening To: The Eels, The Kinks, Willie Nelson, Weezer

Quote: "You'd need like 5 tranqs to take down Andre the Giant." - Peter, "If not 6." - Zach

The following is a chronicle of one KWAZY day of work on Tuesday, December 21st, in the two thousand and fourth year of our Gourd.
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8:15 - Hal-Y and I get to work late because not only is my gas cap frozen to the car, making the act of pumping gas rather difficult and time consuming, but thereís a 7 car pile-up on Rt. 16 right before the bridge backing up traffic past the tolls up the turnpike and all the way down Rt. 4 into Durham. Fantastic. Luckily Tim didnít start eating his own skin in nervous worry over where we were.

8:20 - Hayley is shocked to find out that I think the girl at Dunkin' Donuts is hot and thinks itís the fact that itís so early in the morning that Iím seeing things. She also claims Iím trying to use Affirmative Action in my Secret Crush selections. I tell her to take it up with Cupid, not me.

8:40 - Tim, still despondent over the Pats game, continues to rail against Brady and his jelly legs/arm. I tell him he has until 9AM and then all talk of the Pats bruising defeat shall cease. Forever.

8:46 - The lady at Hudson News tells me that it was actually an 8 car pile-up and it happened at 6:30. Damn. That's a long time. And I run into someone in the mall who says they JUST got in from the traffic, which is now worse. But the accident is gone! Hal-Y and I didnít even see any sign of it and that was over a half hour ago.

8:55 - Alyson T. calls to say sheís going to be late as sheís stuck in the traffic jam that has no end. God damn itís gonna be a long fucking day.

9:00 - Now, in the strangest scheduling decision since that day I worked 2 split shifts at SurfCoaster, Iím off until 1:30. Sadly, Iím spending my "break" at the mall, doing some last minute shopping and making roughly 47 CDs for the ungrateful wombats that I call friends. Or something like that.

9:33 - Alyson T. got here safe and sound. But apparently the traffic is still just as bad, if not worse. I do not understand it. But I do understand buying some of those scrumptious CVS Gold Emblem Baked Wheat Snack Crackers on sale for 99 cents! What a steal! And I finally got the new Entertainment Weekly, which like every magazine lately has stuff on Lost. Oh Lost, what a media darling youíve become. I'll always remember you the way you were . . .

9:46 - How can my mother manage to annoy me even when sheís on her way to New Mexico? She has powers Mother Nature may not even totally comprehend.

10:15 - My motherís plane is grounded in Manchester and now she wonít be taking off for New Mexico until after lunch, which gives her plenty of time to call me at work and bug the living bejoozus out of me. Why is it that Manchester Airport exudes drama? Ben and I almost lost our lives racing from that airport to Logan (due in no small part to Waldi's "expert planning"), and Iím pretty sure Manchester Airport is Aly & Alexís archenemy right now. I would explain the circumstances that caused Alex to start his day yesterday at Manch Airport and end his day getting picked up by me (on the clock) on the coldest fucking day of the year (until today rolled along) at some mysterious Gate 2 at the naval shipyard, but frankly, I was there and Iím not even sure I could explain it.

10:41 - Ok, Iíve only gotten 2 CDs done. That no good. Maybe if I stopped updating this I could get some more work done. We shall see.

11:14 - Iím tired. I canít imagine why. Seeing as I was here until 11:30 last night and was back to open for 8. (Or slightly after 8). If ever there was a day I could fall back on to the Dew Wagon it would be today. But I donít want to be in intense gastro pain for the next 2 weeks, so thus far the pull of that luscious neon green beverage is still weak.

11:25 - I think there comes a time when you just canít make someone any more cds. Case in point: Rick. I have made Rick so many mix tapes and cds over the course of the last 10 years that there pretty much isnít any music left thatís been recorded that I havenít already plunked down sandwiched between some sort of zany clip or wacky ditty (though Rick wouldnít mind an entire CD of remixes of The Wuzzles theme). And yet I soldier on. Between cherry-picking off of the CDs Peter has made me and falling for iTunes siren spell to buy more singles (I know that siren spell quite well. - Rachel) it turns out there are still PLENTY of songs out there to make CDs. Especially Powderfinger songs. They're an Australian band that Fred and I discovered one day. You should really listen to them. [Meanwhile, TC sharpens his knives and prepares to gut Fred and me on Christmas morn']

11:44 - Andrea should be here soon with presents for Hal-Y, Al-Y, and Shan-Y! Hooray! Her and I will do presents tomorrow. Iím glad sheís coming in but it will only stop me from doing CDs and then I'll have to go "back" to work at 1:30. Blargh. That said, Iím making better time as I just finished Rickís CD and am on to the next one. And made up some prices for some shit Hayley and Tim asked me about! And refilled my water! And cut my lip on the exacto knife! What a life I lead!

12:05 - The CDs have hit a snag, what with Hayley asking me to clear up the pigheadedness of the boobs working downtown. Ok, just Dinah. But sheís a "professional actress" I hear so I think it's excusable that she mess up a time or 2 . . . or 17. I mean, G. Willikers has such a sterling track record on hiring "professional actors", you know? And now that irascible Eliza and I are IMing each other and even though she is not as thrilled about the announcement of Harry Potter 6 being released in July, weíve decided we can still be friends.

1:21 - Andrea came and forced me into getting Chinese Food. How dare she?!?! And when Aly gets here - more presents!! But not for me. Sad. Seriously - I have way too many fucking CDs to make. Iím never going to finish them all. Especially since Iím back on the clock in 9 minutes. And then a giant gelatinous blob fell from above and we all almost died from gelatin infestation. I think thereís a radon leak in the back room. I not feel quite right.

2:26 - I hate Justin. Andrea and I went down to KB, whoíre also going out of business, so we could get some Tellatubbies on clearance. Cameron goes apeshit for those little telletubby freaks. But then I call Justin and he says they already have Tinky Winky and Po and Iím not to buy La La and Dipsy because they already have enough. Harumph. Now what am I to do? And Tim got to leave already, and now Alyson T. is leaving, and Andrea is all done presents and is also leaving. Only 9 more hours to go!

3:02 - Peter called to say that UPS delivered a package to my house after I left this morning. Super score. Iím pretty sure I know what it is.

3:32 - Oh my god I have such a fucking headache. Thank God my shift is almost over . . . in 8 hours. And my lips are super chapped. And I lost both my chapsticks. It's the cherry kind. That I want to eat. Now I need to get more. Argh. And thereís still many CDs to make and a few people left on my shopping list that Iím having a really hard time finding something for. Blargh

3:51 - I fucking hate people. And my head hurts. And I just had to go to American Greetings and I was hoping the hot girl would wait on me and instead this old crone comes pouncing at me from behind the Kwanzaa section and snarls and crackles at me so I ran. And this dipshit at B. Dalton says, "Do you have a question?" "Yes," I answer. "Actually, I was wondering if . . ." "One sec, sir. I have to attend to something first." AND HE NEVER CAME BACK. EVER. I waited for almost 10 minutes. Fuck, if that were at MY store the god damned Governor would have been called and I would have been keelhauled over the side of the S.S. Ann Taylor LOFT. I have no fucking clue what Iím talking about. God damn, I forgot to buy more chapstick. My lips fucking hurt. Did I mention that I got stopped for speeding the other day in LA? It was so fucking lame. I'll explain more later.

4:03 - I just IMed with Kelly about the New Year's Eve plans. It's looking like it's gonna be a good ol' fashioned bash. It also feels like itís months away. It will easily beat some stinker NYE's - South Down, pizza party at Jon & Jimbo's (and forgoing Polyesters in the process), some of those Chapin Terrace pool table parties. Heck, it might even beat some of the more noble efforts - Hannah's during the ice storm, TC's mom's, White Horse, Central Park. But it will be damned hard pressed to beat the infamous New Year's at the Ganongs when a certain man of the house stormed home and demanded we all, "get the fuck out of [his] pool!" Good times. Good times. Even if Jimbo and my night devolved into an unmitigated catastrophe after that.

4:16- Oh yeah. So I was coming down on the by-pass in LA, from the Belknap Mall over to Lily Pond. You know how it ends with that like quadruple chevron turn? Rick and I call it the "Nicole Rollock Hairpin Turn" since urban legend has it she drove off of it, onto the bank of the water and there was a baby in the car and she rolled out (Nicole, not the baby) and the cops came and they had to roll her back in, I donít know. Now I don't remember it all. I need to ask Rick later. He loves that story. So yeah, Iím about to come into the chevrons and the State Trooper is getting on to the bypass on the other side, by Shop and Save. Some how, he manages to get my speed (going into the N.R.H.T!! So I couldnít have been going THAT fast!) from across 3 lanes, and in the opposite direction. What a marvel. So he pulls a U-Turn and flashes the blues and I just start peeing wildly in every direction and weeping. Iím kidding. I didnít weep. He looks at my license and says, "We're a bit far from Rollinsford aren't we?" Huh? Actually, we're not THAT far. What does this guy think when he sees someone from out of state?? So I tell him Iím going to my grandmother's house to help her wrap Christmas presents. Which, you know, couldnít have been more of a lie. But he bought it. That and he was probably getting sickened by the strong smell of my urine in the crisp December air. He gave me a warning. But he didnít even ask me, "Do you know how fast you were going?" or even end up TELLING me how fast I was going. Which I still donít think was that fast. What a gyp. Or gyp. I donít know. I need to go back to work. Canada is out there and sheís bugging the fuck out of everyone. [12/31 - Edited To Add: "You boob! It was Alicia Hackett! Not Nicole Rollock! Sometimes I think you have the memory of a dead pig!" - Rick]

4:58 - A woman with a big hat just asked me, as I was finishing up wrapping her stupid cockassing present if I "took the price tag off?" I told her, "Oh. I would've, but you didn't ask me in the beginning." She kind of laughed but I could tell she wasn't sure if I was kidding or not. Fucking dumbass. I hate people. Maybe my new job can be 'professional hermit'.

5:11 - It's hard to tell I'm in a bad mood now. I tried to rig this stupid Mickey Mouse computer to be able to show Hayley another episode of Arrested Development. But this fucking iShit mac keeps skipping and stuttering all over the disc. More than likely because I have about 16,047 songs stored on it, but thatís neither here nor there. Well, I guess itís kinda here.

6:00 - Good God. Princess Placenta has only been here a half hour and sheís already launched into 9 different stories I canít possibly muster enough energy to seem interested in. Not only have I hit a wall. I think the wall hit back. I need to get some sort of coffee drink. Did I mention that pretty much all progression on the CD making front has ceased? Yeah. Iím having trouble seeing clearly.

6:27 - Did I already mention that my motherís connecting flight to New Mexico, in Cincinnati was rerouted to ATLANTA. As in "The Devil's Armpit", Georgia?!? I told her to steer clear of the grouper. It's not in season. What I didn't tell her was that grouper never is in season.

7:15 - Tensions are riding high on the Good Ship Wallakers right now. Everyone is overtired and cranky. Especially the Princess. Well, I guess we are all just sick of it all and while Iím going to miss a lot of it thereís a hell of a lot of this bullshit I wonít miss. Do you realize that even on my deathbed, whenever it is made, I'll be able to tell you how to figure out the price for a SanRio piece of merchandise? Look on the back right for a clear rectangle. Now look to your right. There's your price in little microscopic numbers. I can't wait to break out that skill at my next job interview.

Badtz-Maru would tell you all about it himself, but he's getting shipped off to Iraq. Oh that Badtz! Always being patriotic for his satanic overlords! Don't forget to tell all those unwashed terrorists that Sanrio means "Big Smiles in Little Packages!"

8:07 - Well, we've all eaten now and things have settled down attitude wise. More than likely I was the main instigator behind most of it anyway. Sounds like me. All the birds seem to be starting to fly back home and I keep getting calls as to who is where and how long theyíll be there and what theyíre doing while theyíre there. Looks like itíll be a nice turn out for Thursday night. A shame for those who canít/wonít be able to make it. Now if only I can get all these CDs done it time. It's not looking good.

8:46 - Well, I squeezed out one more CD, but Iím not sure how good it is. Iím kind of coasting right now. BUT, super sweet - Becca just came in! Huzzah! So I got to give Beeker her present, which was the hampsterlutely fantastic CD "Happy Times Ten" by her favorite band, Hampton & The Hampsters. That definitely recharged Aly and me for at least another 20 minutes.

9:01 - Hooray! And just when our energon crystals were depleting again none other than Ben Cole showed up to save the day and let us know what treats he was getting Shan-Y for Christmas. I think weíre all pretty fucking punchy by this point. No seriously, Iíve been throwing punches at the arts & crafts section left and right. Fucking sculpey keeps lookin' at me funny. Did I mention Harry Potter 6 is coming out in July?

9:16 - Oh yeah, I did end up getting some chapstick. Some industrial strength CARMEX! Dun, dun, dun! And Iím kinda addicted to it. Actually, Iím the Carmex's bitch. I canít resist it. And now weíre all out of Erector Sets!! And KB Toys is having 40% All Male Action! Which sounds like something that certainly shouldn't be available at KB.

9:37 - Wow. I have no idea what is going on. And like Data, I apparently can no longer use contractions. Weird. Iím giving up on making CDs. I cannot concentrate.

9:58 - Jimbo is watching lots of Alias. I just gave it to him on Sunday and heís already on Disc 3 of Season 1. What a grand scheme!

10:13 - I just went down to tell Secret Crush, "Merry Christmas" only to find out Secret Crash(!) was working instead! What a holiday tragedy. Iím sure it was a mere oversight that Secret Crush forgot to come down here when her shift ended and wish us Happy Holidays.

10:48 - Well, weíre starting to count Register #1 now and Register #2 went kablooey earlier and wonít feed the tape anymore. What a world, what a world. I hope thereís not still traffic from that accident this morning.

10:59 Ė There still some zombie-fuckers in the store that Beth is just taking her sweet ass time with. Oh please, feel free to browse. Itís only 100 oíclock in this fucking Wallakers piece. Iíve started slowly shutting the lights off one by one. I donít think Beth is happy with me. Ah well. Is it Easter yet?

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It's been real,

Spigot Togips

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