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Everyday I Write The Kanook

2004-09-29 - 11:42 a.m.

Secret Confection: Gummi Fried Eggs

Listening To: Willie Nelson, Bush, The Beatles, Pixies, The Band

Quote: "Yes, I'd like an order of pork-fried punanny please." - Jimbo

Dear Kenichi,

What a time it has been, no? The last few weeks have been tumultuous for you Chef - this I know. They’ve been tumultuous for me as well. But there have definitely been some highlights to go along with the low lifes. I hope you will indulge me to speak to you about them at length. Then again, your reading comprehension ain't so great, so you're probably gonna get put in the Go-Bots reading group whilst the rest of your peers get elevated into the posh Transformers reading group. Sad. Anyway, buckle up Kenichi, because this is gonna be a hell of a long letter. Not for funsies either. Never for funsies. . . .
Huh? I card read good

Kenich, I know it seems like it's been a halfway house in this joint lately, well - more like a 3/4 house I suppose. I'm pretty sure you were cool when it was just Jon & Peter a month or so ago, and you were even pretty well behaved on my birthday. You seemed to be fine when Titie came back up, and there seemed to be few worries when we had a party for Jimbo. But truly, I know you were none too pleased when Sarah moved in. Kenich, I can't stress to you enough that she be no threat. Sure, she barks up a storm when she happens to notice a stray dust mote, but she's mostly for show. I mean, for god sakes Kenichi, she's practically the same size that you are.

Which means that this . . . -->

. . . should not force you to eat your food by the shed because you're too scared to come back into the house.
-- "Blargh."

Anyway. So I suppose you want more insight into Jimbo's party, eh Chef? Well, as you recall, Brooke and Kyle came over early in the evening. If you don't remember, you'll have to just take my word for it, since because they're vampires they don't show up on film. Digital or otherwise. Which, to be honest Kooner, is a more jazzy reason than "I don't want their students to see their pictures online." Rachel came down from LA, Kate came by, Mike came up with Jimbo, and of course you know the Ben, me, and your Uncle Pedro were here. It was a tough night to "party down", as the kids say, since we knew we had the wedded bliss to go to the next day. But party down we did. I think you were arguing with the rock pile outside for most of the evening, so you didn't catch the tremendous win the Sox pulled off over the Orphan Rapers after several rain delays. You really should have caught it, as it was the last great win we were gonna have for a while. Even Gabe Kapler joined us! Kinda. Oh man, you're such a Doubting Kenichi, here, I'll prove it:

Men's Health, Peter & Jimbo

As usual, the siren song of the plastic green safari hat cannot be ignored. Here's Mike learning the lesson that Jon learned weeks before

Jimbo & Peter, doing what appears to be the Forbidden Dance

And here's Rachel, the only person apparently cognizant that a picture is being taken

We had a lot of fun Kanacker, though I recall that you were the most sober since you never had to be 3-Man. Yeah, that 3-Man'll get ya. Was this the night I passed out while we were playing? I don't think so. I think that was another night. It's kinda sad Kenich, that there are enough "3-Man instances" in the last few weeks that I can't tell them apart. It's ok buddy, 3 more punches on my Frequent Drinker card and I can get 15% off my new liver! Huzzah! There was definitely a close call that next morning after the Jimbo-a-thon as I'm sure you clearly recall. Ben made us all breakfast and I saw that there was milk in the fridge, and not having had a nice cold glass of milk in quite some time I decided to partake. The entire time I was drinking it I kept feeling it tasted funny. But kept it to myself. I finished the whole glass. Then I didn't feel so good. Then we realized that the milk was, how do you say, "turning bad." Apparently, it had a very disturbing childhood, was in and out of foster homes, and now, like Roland "Chuck" Clairmont, it was turning bad and about to rob banks. And rip my stomach apart into a million fleshy shards of horribleness. Mike, who had the same thing happen to him some time ago, asked if I wanted some advice. I did. He suggested I "pull the trigger" right then, to avoid any unpleasantness later in the day. Ya know - as in "to make sure I wouldn't be puking vomit rockets while Shannon & Matt are walking down the aisle." Yeah. That would have been rough. Besides, I wanted to go to at least one wedding where my puking didn't take center stage. Everyone needs a goal. Meanwhile, Coty & Fred's respective spider-senses went off around the same time and they both called to offer their opinion, which was that I was a "Drama Queen" and that I was "just doing it for attention." They are cold-hearted monsters Kenichi, and don't you ever forget that fact.

After downing a 1/4 of a bottle of Pepto-Bismol, Ben and I left for LA, Jimbo had gone to Concord to get his shit and meet us in LA, and we were meeting Brooke & Kyle at Ben's dad's before the wedding so we could all drive over with Peter. Peter was going to be our driver. Except not anymore since he stayed back in Dover. So Ben drove his Dad's mostly seatless van while I tried to maintain my balance body surfing in the back. Because being constricted in dress clothes and shaking around violently in the back of a van was doing wonders for the maelstrom in my stomach. Jimbo had ordered Ben and I to pick up whiskey when we were on our way to LA and while he laughed at the size Ben chose as being far too large, he wouldn't be laughing at that fire water later. As usual when Ben is involved, we made it to the wedding by the skin of our teeth - which is better than the usual Ben Walden-approved time known as "late". Argh. Kenich, this is the part I always hate writing about. I hated writing about it for Chad & Mackenzie's, Kristen & Mike's, Peter & Titie's, and it's no better here. I try to make it clear for the people, like your catself, that weren't there how beautiful the ceremony was, and about all the wonderfullness of the occasion, and how nice everyone looked. And I can't do it without sounding lame. Let's just put it this way: It was a wonderful ceremony, Shannon looked beautiful, Matt looked great - and nervous, they got married, kissed, and then everyone started drinking. See? I didn't do that justice at all. Sure, Jimbo said at one point, "Oh my God. There it is." To which I said to him, "Did you just say it?" But, #1 - I'm not giving any background on that and #2 - it surely wouldn't be the last inappropriate outburst of the evening. And you just know I'm looking in Roy's direction. Ok, ok. And Kelly. There. FINE. AND ME TOO. THERE. EVERYONE HAPPY?

So as the pre-reception cocktail party began, I realized that due to me being an idiot, I didn't have a red cent, or any color cent for that matter, on me at all. So I went across the street to Shaw's to use the ATM. All dressed up. With a goatee. So I should pretty much be unrecognizable for any old skool LA weirdos. SHOULD. Except Rula has masterful powers of perception and recognized me. Damn. Anyway, I met Ben, Jimbo, and a bottle of whisky back at the car, at which time Jimbo was informed that Oriental Gardens did indeed have "dancing girls", and which lead Jimbo to spout out this entry's marquee quote. We rejoined everyone else inside, at which time I was finally able to talk with Courtney and meet her husband and generally play catch up. Aw. And she introduced me as Zach Morris. It was a pleasure to see her wit had not left her. After the cocktail party (which was on the top floor of the Margate, in the same area the ceremony had just taken place), we retired to the bowels of said Margate for the reception. Each table had a "name" instead of a number. We were the SPIRIT table. It was nice to see Shannon tip her hat to that indomitable Sachem SPIRIT - some even say it shall never quail. And no my dear Kenichi, it's not, NOT, pronounced "Sack-em", but "Say-chum". And why it never quails I can't say, it's just part of the lyrics to that ol' chestnut "Rah Rah For Ol' Laconia". Actually, I think that song is older than chestnuts.

Alright Kenich, so some highlights (which aren't even going to be attempted to be put in chronological order because this entry has already taken 3 1/2 years for me to write):


Shannon and Matt: Newlyweds At Large. Enjoying their first dance as husband and wife. Also, I should note that they were introduced as husband and wife to the crowd with The Sopranos theme song playing. Dudes, that is super sweet. If it weren't for Bryan & Natalie using "I Zimbra" as their walk-in music last year, this would be the most cleverererest one yet!

The Old Gang: Courtney, Jimbo, and Tony

I put forth this picture if only to prove to the non-believers that Chris Thibedou is indeed the night manager at the Margate. And yes, I did get in trouble and had to be escorted back into the hotel by Chris because I was talking on my phone by the beach too loudly to Brad about these mysterious guys from Winnisquam who worked at the Margate and tried to sneak into the reception and get beer and claimed to know both him and Conner and hotel guests heard me and complained . . . and . . . you know, this all made sense at the time. I swear.

Here we have KP, Kelly doing her best impression of a dancing, pointing trout, what looks to be Brooke's twin sister in the background, and that's definitely Kyle's twin brother (and definitely not Kyle) dancing inbetween Kelly and Laughy McGee, ahem, I mean Roy

Honestly, I could fill this whole entry just with pictures of KP and "Kyle's Twin" shimmying to their hearts content with just about everyone on the dance floor. But I won't. And enjoy them now. Because I think when Brooke and Kyle's twins find out about this they won't be, how do you say, "pleased". Meanwhile, back in the picture, Roy & Mike discuss Kyle's twin's odd choice of hair color and contact lenses

Kenichi, this pic is significant for three reasons. #1 - Kelly's mouth is not wide open. #2 - Roy is not laughing uproariously or yelling out to the waitress, "just take it!" in reference to her salad plate. #3 - The bartender in the background, an acquaintance of Roy's, is 1/4 Native American, so this photograph just stole 1/4 of his soul.

KP, Roy, Brooke's magenta twin, Courtney, Tony, and shockingly, an open-mouthed Kelly, do it up on the dance floor

Awww, Kenichi, aren't these two just as cute as the dickens?! Wait. Are dickens really cute? I mean, I know the phrase and all, but what the fuck is a dickens? Maybe that's a mystery for another day

Oh my Kenichi! What is this?! It seems that Jim, Ben, Kyle's twin, and Jimbo are seeing what all this fire water business is all about! And what's that I see as a chaser? Canada Dry?! See Liz, we still care. Never a shout-out too small I always say. Wait a minute - I never say that. Oh well.

Oh my. And here we have what looks to be like a feral Jim. Jim seems to be ready to gut whoever is taking this picture - and smart money says it's Roy. Mike seems to be grooving past Courtney and Tony and yes friends, as gross and sad as it may be, that's our old friend Waldy taking a shit on the dance floor. I know it may look like some bizzare dance move. But I assure you, he's shitting.

Well, here we have Kristen showing that, like Rachel, she's the only one that can tell when a picture is being taken. But screw all of them! Free Wine!! Hot dog, you may recall that here at Stuff & Things we ain't exactly wine connoisseurs, in fact, I think wine tastes like hog ass. Red or White. I care not for either. Now, FREE WINE, that's an entirely different story. I started with the white but when they ran out, Roy cautioned me that if I didn't like wine before I was definitely not going to like red wine. But Roy forgot one key element. It was FREE WINE! Oh the vino did flow . . .

So yes. Indeed. The wedding was very fun and the food was great and the music was great. There was no Electric Slide, so there was no ridiculousness of me trying to do drunkenly master its moves while constantly screaming out, "It's electric!" It's a sight for those of you who haven't seen it, I assure you. Kenichi, I pray you never witness it. The end of the night is tres fuzzy for me. Which is French for, "I was loaded." But at least I didn't lose my shoes and purse. Like a certain vampire twin did. But I shan't name names. I think I'm already in enough trouble here. I do recall Rick, Spleen (who was filling in for the part of Peter "No-Show" Farmer) and Rachel converging upon the Margate to pick our drunk asses up at the end of the evening, which was quite late as I recall (or don't recall). Quite a few of us stayed at Casa de Killing Poison that night. (Which shouldn't be confused with Brooke's nicely turned phrase at the reception to me, after my guffawing was threatening to make her too laugh, "I hate you like poison.") And apparently on the way to Ben's, whilst I was being transported in Rick's car, I was heard to say something grossly inappropriate about a He-Man villian and a mode of transportation. Hmmmmm . . . that sounds like me.

Yeah. This picture suggests I was in an upright position at the time of this photo, as I was the one taking the picture. I find that astounding. Also, here's a game you can play with the above picture. It's called, "Try to figure out which two people are drunk and which two people are sober." Real hard to figure out huh? I think so.

Needless to say, the Sox didn't have as much fun in New York that weekend as we did in LA. They had more fun the following weekend when New York came to Boston. Work plodded on and so did my campaign to get people to watch Lost (on Wednesdays at 8 on ABC! That means tonight!) It's by the Alias peeps and it's only. the. best. show. ever. (Jon & Peter know what voice to read that in) Ok, we all know it's not THE BEST EVER. We can't all be Mama's Family. But for real. Watch it. If you don't, I'll come to your house and rip up all your X-Men comics. Or something comparable.

Meanwhile Kenichi, break out the hankies, because Hannah packed up her spelunking gear and left for England. Isn't that just like an elder Eldridge to do? I thought so. She did manage to squeak in the first 3 episodes of Freaks and Geeks before she left, so I guess we can give her that. ["Weak." - Becca] I met her, Tim, and her friend Ashley at the always regal Coat of Arms in Portsmouth and we had a time of it. For real. It was quite fun. I had never met Ashley before. Trust me, Ashley isn't someone you're likely to forget meeting. What with the mysterious and inexplicable southern accent, the blue frilly boots, and the fact that the girl has never met a bizarre subject she couldn't successfully segue. And did I get to go to Gilly's after and have a farewell hot dog with Hannah? I did. Well, they didn't really have any. They just kinda of sat there and watched me eat mine. But hey, I was the one with the hot dog, so I wasn't really caring about anyone/thing else at that point. And is this the point where I try to explain that there were two people dressed up in a hot dog and a banana suit skulking about Portsmouth all night? It is not. Because I'm still not entirely sure I didn't dream the whole damn thing.


Tim, Hannah, Ashley, and Ashley's boots pose behind Gilleys as the painted cobblestones loom dangerously above them


And look! Here we have today's birthday girl! Aly! (And for those of you keeping track at home, Al-Y, Aly, & Alyson are all the same person, but since there's 17 Al(l)(y)(i)sons at work now, we've shifted Al-y to Aly, Al-I stays as either Al-I or Alison C., and Alyson T. is just that.) There. I'm glad we're clear. Anyway. I feel this picture, so creatively snapped, truly captures Aly and I at our hardworking best.

But yes, today is the great veganess's birthday (and "that weird girl who can't go to the bathroom by herself" Shan-Y celebrated her birthday last Saturday) so if any feel the need to wish them well via the comment section, well I surely won't stop you. Aly got the best opening to a joke ever when I peed on my shoes last week. [Long story short: I accidentally peed on my shoes last week at work. Actually, that's the entire story] I came out and shamefully told her. She exclaimed, "That's impossible!" I was agog at where this was going, so on cue I responded, "No. It is possible. And it happened. On my shoes." My friends - a perfect cue like that only comes around once in a lifetime. I felt shiny and new! (And smelling faintly or urine I suppose) Aly and I also saw a Monster Truck Show & a Drag Race - all in the relative comfort of the FRM parking lot. Well, I don't know - we both confuse easy, so it may not have been an actual Monster Truck Show or a Drag Race, but kinda? It was.

Aly & Hayley have been putting a full-court press on to Secret Crush lately. Ok. Well not so much a full-court press as Hayley keeps dropping my name and Aly keeps coaching me on what not to do, "puke on my arms", "speak in toungues", things such as that. Things went really super well the other night, but now I feel stupid about it, so only a select few will know exactly what happened. But the girls assure me it was a good thing and a good step. The only thing that is making me mentally retreat from the whole thing is that pesky little detail. You know, the one about her HAVING A BOYFRIEND. Sigh. Even B Rog and The Warden made the scene and offered their expertise. You know things are dire when you have to call The Warden in to clear the decks. Sorry Koonrooner, I know you don't like all the mushy stuff. I insisted the other night that Aly and I should park out in the front so we can walk by at closing time and see if the cockpotato boyfriend is still in the picture, as he tends to loiter about. But then I backed out of the plan. Aly said, "Wouldn't you rather know then not know? I mean knowing is better than not knowing, right?" I paused. I told her, "Sometimes."

It's been real,

Jack Hart

ps - The first person that explains where I got the title for this entry from, or where the paraphrase originated, gets a cookie. Or 5 points. Or a mix CD. I don't know. Something. And no bitching about no new poll. This is the longest entry I've written in an elk's age.

pps - Well, Chef, what'd you think of your letter? -- "Yawn"

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