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Cleaning Up All The Vomit

2003-09-16 - 11:30 p.m.

Secret Word: Statch

Listening To: Pearl Jam, Queen, Johnny Cash

Quote: "USA! USA! USA!" - Trudy Wiegel

Hi. How are ya? It's been a while since I've done one of these the old skool way. And by "old skool" I mean no lists. No straight dialouge. No enemas. You know - old skool. So here we go. Lots of me rambling and ranting and raving -- you know, the 3 r's -- and some pictures thrown in to spice things up.

I have a bug bite on the side of my head. Near the top. It itches. But it hurts when I itch it. But I keep itching it.

Where did the time go? I'll be damned if I know. Let's see how we got here - ok? I don't know of any good way to do this - so let's just jump in. Cool? Cool.

Well, I guess one of the first threads we can look at is waaaaay back at Bryan's wedding in June. Bryan and Natalie got married back in June some time (the date itself fails me, 20-something I think) in Gilmanton. Real nice ceremony and I ran into ne'er-do-wells like Buddy Shoemaker and a COMPLETELY transmogrified Mary Hussey. Weird huh? Trust me, it was weirder at the time. Well, not that weird I guess. I remember one time, by the elevators on the way to the cafeteria at LHS, Mary pulled me aside - must have been Junior year some time - and she told me she'd be "going away for a while". I asked her if she was in trouble. She said no. I asked her what she was talking about. I always liked Mary and thought she was a cool girl, if not a little cracked sometime. She told me she "just had to get out" and couldn't "handle this routine anymore". Um. Ok. Sure. I told her that I hoped she'd be ok. She said she was gonna try to go out West. I wasn't sure if she meant Keene or Denver. I asked her when she was leaving. She said, " . . . right now." She whispered "bye!" and ran out the back doors by the locker rooms on to Dewey Street and kept on running. Oh that Mary. What a card. She was AWOL for months, but eventually showed back up. I still don't know where the fuck she went, but always felt secretly honored that she felt the need to share with me that she was jetting. But, for all I know, she had had the same conversation with Mr. Metz a few minutes before. Anyway, that's not the reason I even brought up Bryan's wedding. I brought it up because after I left with Brad and Conner and went home to my mother's to get my car I drove to Brooke's back in LA. On the way up Elm Street I passed the Goodwin's house. I saw Keith in the driveway and it took me about 2 seconds to make the decision to turn into School Street, turn around, and go back to the Goodwins. I pulled in and a little blond girl, who we'd come to know as Becca in the coming weeks, glared at me. I got out and talked to Keith, who understandably was surprised to see me, and met Becca, his (soon-to-be?) step-daughter. She's about 6 I think, but acts 14. Real character. I got to see little Kobe, asleep in his crib in Jay's old room / converted baby room. It was quite a trip. We exchanged #'s and I told him I'd call him. And I did. And he came down to the Concrete Pouring Party with Becca when I called him in mid July.

Yeah. God. That seems like ages ago. I guess it was. We didn't have water then. But I guess you all knew that didn't you? Or maybe we just didn't have hot water then. I get confused to the actual timeline sometimes. But man, there was tons of people here for the pouring of the ol' concrete. It was fun. Keith, in doing impressions of me, and telling tall tales about Ben, Jeff, TC, McLaughlin, Peter and myself was definitely the hit of the party. It was a looooong party. There were caffeine pills and Brooke "McGruff" Culkin certainly didn't approve of that. Hell, so many people were there that Brad and I had to sleep at Andrea's. This was of course before cousin Brad decided it was his life's work to stress me out every day, so I imagine we were on better terms there. It's funny. I just wrote "cousin" just then, before Brad, so someone reading this would know who I was talking about in case they didn't remember that my cousin's name was Brad. But I can't even be sure that they're even reading this. I thought they may be. But now I seem to think not. Not that it's a big deal . . .

And a friend of mine came into the store one day during July. During the month of our discontent. Oh how I was low. Lower than low. Not even a chipmunk waving goodbye could cheer me up then. But then this girl, a friend of mind - you don't know her - I met her at Niagra Falls, she's from Canada - came in, fresh from the beach, hair all messed up, certainly not with her "face on" and hell if it didn't make my day, let alone my week.

Jeeze secret squirrel, are you done? Ok. Fine. Did I ever tell the story about how my car broke down and I was stranded at the Mobil Station? Cause man oh man is that a corker of a story? I can't remember if I told it or not. But man, was it fun.

What about Radiohead? The Radiohead concert that Andrea, Phil, Hannah, Me, and Brayn & Natalie went to? Brad and I gave B&N RH tix for a wedding present. (And by "Brad and I" I mean to say "I" since he STILL owes me $50 from that - oh I don't mind saying it - he doesn't read this anymore, it's above a third grade level. Besides, even if he does end up reading it, which I stress - he won't - he already knows he owes me $50 so it's no surprise to him. And yet I bought him a kick ass birthday present anyway. I'm the coolest. Yeah. The coolest.) Anyway. The Radiohead concert at the Tweeter Center fucking rocked. They played Creep and the encored with Idioteque and it was a great night were we narrowly escaped rain and then Hannah and I went spelunking in the parking lot after the concert for a good 2 hours since a regular Hooverville had popped up since no cars moved an inch for hours. We didn't get home until almost 4. Good times. Good times.

Oh yes, and somewhere in all that Spleen came home safe and sound from Iraq/parts unknown. Oh that Spleen. Yeah, we had a Welcome Home McLaughlin party in LA at Spleen's place mid-August and oh what a Jagermeister of a good time it was! Jeff and Amy, Rachel and Kevin, Lee and girlfriend, Brooke, Jimbo, Rick, Rich, Monique, Ben and myself were there. Well, and McLaughlin of course. We had fun. Even if Spleen busted up a chair, Jeff spilled all over Amy, and we played the WORST game of 11 person Asshole EVER. Oh, and you know what? McLaughlin NEVER got those letters I sent off to Iraq last April. Yeah. He said that a lot of mail is "lost in the system". But then, right after he left back to 29 Palms I got the package I sent to him back in the mail to myself 5 months later. So then I just repackaged it up and sent it to him in Cali. At least he'll see that we all didn't forget about him back in the Spring. And yeah, me coming up with the idea of, "Whoever loses each round of Quarters has to take a shot of Jager!" is definitely one of the worst ideas since Helen Hunt's parents decided to have children. How bad of an idea? Well, I'll tell you - Philip, Spleen's brother, also now a cop, had to stop by and "mock" arrest Monique for drunken and disoderly conduct. I don't know - it didn't seem very "mock" to me.

Yeah. If only Officer Trudy Weigel was there to bust up some shit. Or at the very least, Lt. Jim Dangle. Hell, I'd have even taken Rainesha! Aww, you know I'd have taken any of them, even Jones, Garcia, Junior and Clemmy. Now that would've been sweet. Seriously, watch Reno 911! or I'll punch you. Hard. In the neck.

What else? Of course! My birthday! We had (yet) another BBBQ and this time the ever elusive Mad Dog actually came! It was the most frabjous of days. There were canolis, exquiste vegan pie's a la' Al-Y, and Andrea really came through with a TALKING HEADS ALBUM, Little Creatures for the record, signed by DAVID, TINA, CHRIS, & JERRY!!! I starting peeing then and I am still peeing now, weeks later. Monique also scored with a way-more-money-than-she-should've spent McCartney/Simon bootleg that I first saw in New York, when I was there in March. Everyone actually had cool presents and I just got Jimbo and Ben's, which was a cool David Sedaris CD box set that I didn't even know existed. So yeah. There's that. I know we must have watched Wet Hot American Summer about 45 times in the month of August alone. And of course, there was Boston and Dane Cook the day after my birthday with Ben, Andrea, Phil and Kate. Dane, and one of his openers, Gary Gulman made us laugh and laugh and laugh, and all the sweeter was it made when Kate, Andrea and I got to meet Dane Cook afterwards, get our pics taken with him, and get his autograph. I got him to sign my Dane Cook CD. I won't mention what Kate had him sign. You may ask why Mary had her face near a tire. You don't understand. That tire had it in for Mary. That tire MURDERED Mary.

Wait - did I ever write about Brooke, Jimbo and Ben and I going to the Red Sox game and me losing my cell phone? And me locking eyes with the smoking Johnny Damon? I MUST have written about that. No doubt about it.

And the blackouts at the mall? Oh was the mall ever shrouded in darkness. Kate and I were left to our own devices during the FRM Blackout of August '03 and it was only a matter of time before I ended up with a hobby horse glued to my face and a head lamp to skulk my way around.

And I know somewhere around that same time Caleb, Ben, my mom and Don and I went to go see Dylan at Meadowbrook. I hadn't been there since 1964: The Tribute like 8 years before. It was certainly different. We ran into Mad Dog, who was working security/EMT and that's how it all started in getting him down to Dover for my birthday.

We had a going away party for Jimbo at Chad and Mackenzie's in Manchester a week or so ago. It was of note for several reasons: O'Shea showed up and was quite funny. We ate lots of food. We were freakishly cruel to Jimbo by giving him fake scratch tickets to make him think he won. And Brooke and I got in a corker of a fight on the way home. Which, you know, is always fun.

Speaking of Brick, she finally moved down here and is officially teaching Freshman English at Dover High. She lives like 4 minutes from us, over by the Barley Pub. You all remember the Barley Pub. So yeah. She's all moved into Cricket Brook and thanks to her dad and Ben, her furniture is assembled and sitting nicely in her apartment. Of course, we haven't had electricity in the back half of our own house for about a week, but let's not quibble.

Jimbo, in his best impression of a departing Lori, got ANOTHER going away soiree last Friday night as Shannon, Brooke, Ben and I joined him at the Brewery for dinner. Brooke and Shannon went home after dinner and then we met Jeff & Amy and all the assorted characters that entail that package (i.e. - Lemos, Gagz, Albert, Billy, etc.) at Jack Quigley's for drinks. One very unexpected surprise was getting to see Scott Sinclair, who I hadn't seen in a dog's age and Jimbo hadn't seen in a dogger's age. It was some fun. And Ben got so incredibly loaded that he yakked like a champ. And kept hiding from Jimmy and me when it was time to go. And we saw that he saw Sully, and you don't need to be Frederick or Coty to know that that can't be good. But luckily we avoided any sort of catastrophe. But while we waited outside for Ben to emerge from his drunken Quiglified cacoon, I called Coty, who is newly mulleted, and in the process got to talk to Stacey(!). I'll let you all soak in that moment. Not just that I had a significant conversation with Stacey for the first time in over 2 years, but let's all have a real moment of silence for Coty deciding to go Business in the Front and Party in the Back. So yeah. Then we went back to Dover and Jimbo passed out on the couch while I was talking to him about the Sox. Good ol' Jambone.

Meanwhile, Warren Zevon - the instigator of Ben and my worst fight in the last month - Johnny Cash, and John Ritter all died. Come again? I hate them all dying. Especially since Ritter was not only Gary in Noises Off but he was Dr. Frank on NewsRadio. See - even NR respected him, and that's good enough for me. So sad. But don't bring up Johnny Cash to Dottie - she'll go BSI - same goes for Bob Hope and the Old Man on the Mountain. Or the Man formerly known as Old Man on the Mountain.

And remember our old friends at Papa Jay's? Sure you do! Those scamps! Well, I got this in the mail the other day. No return address and it was just addressed to our address. Neither my name or Ben's name. All that was in the envelope was this:

Bastards. [But feel more than welcome to print this out and use it yourself! We can fight the Evil Empire together!] {Keeping in mind the Evil Empire includes the Yankees, Papa Jay's, Helen Hunt, Pat Baldi, SurfCoaster, Shell Stations, Tracey Lundgren, The Bombay Company, Kirstie Alley, and the fucker on our street with the novelty horn that plays CHARGE! every morning when he leaves his house.}

Anyway. I'm fucking tired. It's 1:30 and God knows there's got to be some Playmobil Party Packs that Al-Y, Hannah and I should be filling. Oh, and did I mention Hayley is finally back? I didn't? Oh. Ok. Hayley is back. That, plus General Zod she be showing up on Earth's mighty shores within the next month! Oh the excitement!

It's been real,

A Boy Named Sue

ps - Notice I didn't mention Hurrican' Isabel - you know why? CAUSE SHE'S AN ATTENION GETTING SNOOTY BITCH THAT'S WHY! Besides, I'll be mentioning her in my next entry. As well as more on Jimbo's trek to San Diego and Petrarch's impending visit!!!!!!

pps - Here's a fun little blind item - here's a pic of one of our friend's severely bruised thighs. Pretty foul huh? I'm not even gonna speculate if it tastes like a burger. I don't wanna give away who it is but we'll call her "BruisedMood Bear". We'll also call her Bat Shit Insane for letting me put her ASS in my Online Journal.

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2002 - 2009 ZQF8

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