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Sometimes They Stab

2003-06-06 - 8:54 p.m.

Mood: Nervous, paranoid, jittery, excited, foggy

Listening To: Bush, Talking Heads, Ben Folds Five, Stone Temple Pilots

Quote:"Sometimes he bites her delicate parts - when they fight." - Monique

Oh, I’m never gonna go two weeks between entries again he says. I hate having to write long entries that encapsulate such long stretches of time he says. I want to be buried up to my eyeballs in cherry flavored canolis he pleads. Blargh. Blargh to all of it. Despite what the rotting corpse of Cybil Shephard may say, I don’t find the best way to start the day is a bowl full of eggs washed down with heaping helpings of root beer. Sorry, I just don’t.

There was a bunch of stuff that happened in the last bunch of days. A lot of it was funny. Some of it tragic(ally funny). Some of it smelly. Some of it sickening. And some of it over 200 feet above Agawam, Mass. But that’s the way the smartfood crumbles. Man. I can already tell. This is gonna be one of those entries.

So last week some time, Kate was put in charge of babysitting Todd and Rex whilst Andrea and Phil left with friends for Boston in order to party down for Phil’s birthday. This was Friday. I had driven to Laconia Friday late morning (but actually early afternoon) to drop off Don's birthday present. The only thing I had to make sure to do was to be in York by 3:00 to meet Kate who herself was meeting Todd when he got off his bus. I failed. I ended up talking to Brad too long in Tilton and making fun of the Abercrombie catalog. I let him borrow Sopranos Season 1 and I even was crazy enough to make him a CD. It's crazy because barring The Chipmunk Adventure soundtrack, I hate his music and he hates mine. He claimed to like it though. So that's cool. So despite driving 215 mph down Rt. 140 I didn't make it to York in time. But I did make it in like hour and 5 minutes, which I must say is DAMN good. [And if I could take this time out to say how much I love Rt. 140. It's just so mellow and cool. And Rt. 140 always throws the best parties and supplies the hardcoringest smack. Plus, don't tell anyone, but one time, Rt. 140 totally hooked up with this girl in Vegas that he thought was a girl but it was really a dude! A dude! No way man! Totally way! Did I just do what I think I did? Dayum, you know I just put Rt. 140 on shout!!!! Ha ha! Stupid Rt. 140, that's what you get!!] Uh oh - so this is gonna be one of those entries.

"Oh. One of those entries!"

So what was I talking about? Oh right. So Kate had already picked Rex and Todd up from school when I got there and Rex was coming off a high from discovering moon rocks in the schoolyard earlier in the day. So that's good. You know. As far as moon rocks go. And then we hung out there for a while and then we went to Finding Nemo. I made Rex and Todd use the bathroom at Hoyt’s before the movie started. I’ve been to a movie with the two of them before and I know it’s a miracle if they can both get through a whole film without a bathroom break. While we were in there and I was waiting for the two of them to finish, they started having a burping contest. They weren’t actually burping but just making burping noises. The contest pretty much consisted of them making a burping noise louder and louder each time. As I was corralling them back outside and telling them to pipe down with all the faux belching, this guy walking in looks at me, smiles, and says, “Yeah, my boys do the same thing.” Gulp. I don’t look that old do I?! Sigh. Anyway. So we saw the movie in a theater chuck full of nutty kids that were scared at all the right parts, laughed when they were supposed to and squealed like little coked up hogs when they were supposed to. Except Rex of course. Rex yearned for the big scary sharks and would light up when they were on screen and yet he’d recoil into a frightened little pokeball whenever the human girl Darla appeared, or for that matter, was even mentioned. Freak. But he’s still my favorite. I don’t care what Kate and Maura say. So yeah, I recommend the movie. It was good. I liked it better than Monsters, Inc. Of course, you know I’m bias since Jimmy and Beth were in it. I *heart* Jimmy and Beth. But you guys know that by now. Ellen Degeneres stole the movie as Dory, a fish with short-term memory problems. And did I mention that Jimmy and Beth were in it? Sigh. So yeah. The kids liked the movie and on the way out of the theater Kate “accidentally” slammed Todd’s head into the exit door and cut his head open like a melon [or a Walden if you will] and that was a little bit of an incident. He bled a little and I don’t think he remembers anything from the last 6 months, but he’ll be fine. It was nothing that Chuck E. Cheese couldn’t fix.

Vicki Lewis as Deb (and her twin sister Flo)

Yeah. So Chuck E. Cheese. As Kate had pointed out beforehand, there was definitely less cheese than advertised. I guess I can see why kids flip out for the Chuckster, but man oh man, were Kate, Ben (who we met outside before we went in) and I let down. Granted, we had been building it up in our head for weeks and we were pretty much anticipating an intimate sit down with Chuck E. himself. Instead, we got a bunch of punk ass bitch employees who decided that they were gonna start to close early and vacuum and be stupid and gross and stupid. And gross. This was such a low-rent Chuck E. Cheese. If there is such a thing. SO much smaller than Manchester's. We were all excited about getting pizza at Chuck E. Cheese and guess what? We didn’t even get pizza. We were all excited about it and then we didn’t get any. Did I make that point clear enough? Besides, Andrea’s freak monkey children don’t like pizza. Wait. Maybe you misread that part too. Todd and Rex don’t like pizza. Right. So Todd insisted they bring Lunchables for them to eat. Fine. But we were gonna get pizza. And we were so deflated by the general craptacular ambiance of C.E.C’s that we decided to just get pizza somewhere after we left. Chuck E. Cheese basically broke down into three different spheres. Ben, Kate and I playing games in an effort to win Todd and Rex tickets to redeem for prizes. And yes, if possible, this place had even crappier prizes than FunSpot. Yes. I know what I just typed. I, of course, was going to give all of my tickets to Rex, but I claimed to everyone else that I’d be splitting the tickets evenly. And the shit that passes as cool video games these days? Blech. They're all crappy boxes of crap that require you to jet-ski your way to the bad guy's lair and then have a dance off! Wow! Fun! Except not! Where's good ol' fashioned Super Mario Brothers when you need it? The other portion of the night was Kate and I supervising the boys playing games, such as Todd playing the “coloring game” and Rex schooling this kid 2 years older than him at air hockey (and you wonder why he’s my favorite), while Ben stood transfixed in the “party room” watching the Chuck E. Cheese Story Play Psychotic Time Theater Fun Time Time. Time. Yeah. Only Ben would find the Champagne Room at Chuck E. Cheese. The other portion of our visit to Mr. Cheese’s House of Horrors consisted of me trying to get the boys to eat their Lunchables. These boys don’t exactly love to mow down. So you’d think Kate and I would look upon them as soulless demons. And you’d be right. So I’m sitting there, helping to mold their practically clay-like Lunchable tacos and force feed them while “Cool Dads” Kate and Ben were all, “Let’s redeem our tickets!”, and “What should we get for prizes?!”, and “You can look at the prizes selection before you finish eating!” Meanwhile, I’m desperately trying to get Rex to eat more than 3 bites while he looks longingly at some sprinting dinosaur game. So I insist that no one leaves the table until the tacos are finished. I have eaten with these boys plenty of times, so I know that this will be a mammoth feat. Kate pipes up with, “You’re the Mean Mom.” Rex latches on to this and starts singing, “Mean Mom, Mean Mom, Zachy is a Mean Mom!” Lovely. Kate and Ben got a big kick out of all this. Lovely. After tacos were mostly demolished, Todd picked out a crappy elastic powered gun and Rex got the Texas Rangers puzzle he’d been eyeing. Only Rex. Plus, I bought them two Yu-gi-oh card holders when they weren’t looking. They liked that. Though God knows if Todd will remember it. What with the concussion Kate gave him.

Ben and Chuck E. pose for a picture!

So after the Cheese E Chuckery we went back to York as we supposed we should get the boys to bed at some point before midnight. After playing some Jak and Daxter and CTR with them before bed I convinced them to get in their jammies. Kate read them The Very Clumsy Click Beetle and then they both climbed into Andrea and Phil’s bed and passed out. There was some funny business with a pull-up diaper, but I don’t want to embarrass my favorite person by going into it in such a public forum. Then Ben, Kate and I proceeded to get tanked. Aren’t we good babysitters? I think so. Then I made Kate tell the Freshman Year sandal story, only to find out that one of the main players in the story was Katie Haynes. A fact that Kate had left out during every previous version. If you know who she is – bully for you. You’re smarter then Ben. For the life of him, he couldn’t remember who she was. We kept trying to describe her to him. Nothing. He was like, “I don’t know this Kitty Haynes.” Which led to me saying “Meow, meow, give me back my sandals!”, which let me tell you friend, after a few tall glasses of warm Corona with lime, that sounds like the funniest fucking thing you’ve ever heard. Eventually, we retired to the den to watch Wet Hot American Summer. Seriously. This is one of my favorite movies ever. I know I’ve been singing its praises here for a while, but if you don’t like this movie, you’re an old fuddy duddy cock potato (I’m looking at YOU Uncle Bob!) Seriously. I must have said, "Mr. Rubber Burner" a million times this weekend. I know - me catching a phrase and running it into the ground. I was surprised too. And you have to pronounce it "Mr. Rahbur Burrrnerrr!" God I love that movie. And it doesn't make me cry acidic tears of blood like Donnie Darko. Which, you know, is nice. And I LIKE Donnie Darko! (And I may be able to watch it again some day if stupid Brett ever stupid watches it. Stupid.) Anyway, we all ended up passing out, with Ben's cacophonous snoring waking us up and while Kate tried to cry herself back to sleep, I just psychotically rocked myself back and forth mumbling, "T.O.C., T.O.C., T.O.C. . . ."

"We'll make it our beeswax to be there on time."

Wait - I didn't mention anything about Ben's latest surgery did I? Well. I will do that now. He had to get his wisdom teeth out. And you know Ben. He was all "I'm not gonna need painkillers." and "I'm gonna get back to working on the house the very next day." I just finally gave up telling him how wrong he was. And I'm getting sick of writing this entry, so I'm gonna wrap this paragraph up - Ben was loopy as all get out and after the surgery he insisted we stop at KFC for mashed potatoes. He was very sketchy at KFC and kept whispering to me that he saw tacos being made and it confused him (it was a split KFC/Taco Bell). After we left he asked me, "Hey . . . I didn't do anything stupid in there did I?" No friend. No friend. Plus he had to wear a wrapped masky thing around his chin and head and he looked like Steph Cotter with her headgear in 4th grade, and then he came home and slept for about 6 days. And didn't make a lick of sense when he woke up and was crying out for painkillers. So ha. At least he didn't claim he had the power to make objects levitate with his mind like a certain someone did when he had his teeth carved out of his skull.

And then I think Becca came back to work just in time for us to critique the newest edition of Road Rules. These people suck. And they physically scar themselves on purpose. And I hate them. And one of them posed for Playboy and has huge breasts. I don't hate her quite as much. But then Becca left again on the latest Eldridge caravan out west and I have yet to even lay eyes on the one known as her sister. My guess is that she's webbed herself up in some sort of cocoon made of silly string and egg whites in her room and is waiting patiently for June 10th when the new Radiohead album comes out. Oh that Hannah. New Annie Lennox that day too. But that's neither here nor there.

And then came Maude. And then came Maude. I think I lost any chance at continuity earlier so fuck it. Come this last Tuesday it was time for Six Flags. Hooray! Rick came down Monday night and met me at the mall. Like most people, he was both fascinated and fearful of Dippin' Dots. I couldn't blame him. Here. I'll try you, gentle reader, on for size.

See? You understand. I knew you would. Anyway. He watched Kate and I wrap presents and soon enough he was following me through the tropical downtown Rollinsford Business District. (Not to be confused with The District with Craig T. Nelson) We watched Adult Swim and then I went to bed as we had a looooong day ahead of us the next morning. And then BAM it was 6 AM. And there was Ben Walden, flitting about the house and biking off into the ether on his way to Attar. Go get 'em Ben! (I have no idea what I'm talking about.)

In the few short days before we left a little bit of a "hotel mish mash" erupted between the members of this year's Six Flag posse. Well, as I stated before, I'm tired of writing this entry, so needless to say, the mish mash got mooshed and half of us (Lisa, Jen, and Mike) stayed at the hotel in Mass. and half of us (Andrea, Rick, and myself) didn't. So we left around 8 Tuesday morning. We promptly forgot the coupons and the directions. We were off to a good start. It was the longest drive (by far) that I've made thus far. It wasn't as big a deal as I thought it may have been. We hit all the usual sights on the way down, The Katie Hallum Statue, the bridge that connects Springfield and Agawam that Marie Leahy claimed I would lead my classmates across in '96 in order to find crack, whores, and crack whores. Man, that Marie sure has my number doesn't she? We got there right after open and we met the other jamooks as they were descending in terror down the side of the Scream ride. I love it! I love all of Six Flags! And I was none to sad to see that the Blizzard River ride was closed. This is also the same ride that time in and time out always manages to soak me to the marrow while keeping everyone else relatively dry. "There's bound to be some splashback!" Rick would explain to me. Screw him. Six Flags was fun if not predictable. The Thunderbolt stole my ovaries, The Cyclone stole my soul, and Superman made me quiver with glee like so much cold jello. Andrea was quite the trooper and went on Superman THREE TIMES! Which is three more times then three friends of mine that have come to Six Flags with me before. They know who they are. I mostly rode with Andrea and Rick all day, but Lisa and I took on Scream several times just like the old days. The Joker ride was open for the first time in history. And we soon figured out why. It sucked harder than polyp-sucking-out surgery. Speaking of surgery, Ben got his staples removed. Wait, I was talking about Six Flags. Yeah. It was fun. The new parts of the Water Park seemed really cool, if not too cold to try out this early in the year. You could always tell where Rick or I was in the park because you'd hear one of us yelling, "Why is my name Florida?!" or somesuch. And of course Rick wouldn't rest until Andrea was subjected to the stupidity that is Houdini. Although, all in all, she got a new name for a monkey out of it, so Houdini wasn't all bad. I wasn't accustomed to having to be the one to drive over 2 hours home after a day of Six Flaggy fun, but I bucked up. Now I'm going to recycle a picture from last summer's trip to Six Flags - I figure I already recycled the Megaman Airman guy above, so why not recycle again - just ask AlYson, it's good for the environment . . . or something, I don't know. It's the first drop on the Superman ride in all its glory. I love it. Oh yeah. And I broke my glasses on the Mind Eraser. Which wasn't so cool. And they sorta just hung off my face. And I thought I was going to have to buy brand new ones. But they've been fixed temporarily. So that's good I guess. And to think. I can't even blame Coty this time.

So did I ever mention anything about Real Ultimate Power? It's this site that Jeff got me to go to and I thank the lord each day that he had the smarts to share. And Kate should thank him too. Because we love it. Don't get me wrong, I still love HomeStarRunner, but Real Ultimate Power ain't too shabby neither! I won't even try to describe it. I just know that it's so sweet I almost crapped my pants the first time I read it. Just go friends. Just go. Real Ultimate Power!

What is all this a ninja crap?! You still haven't come to see Strongbadia's favorite son! Me! You people are full of crap!" - Strong Bad

Wasn't Memorial Day in there at some point too? I don't know. I know Aaron stepped on a nail and ended up getting all of Ben's painkillers that I thought were going to get bequeathed to me. Sad. But I finally did end up finding my Jack Johnson CD! Hooray! Not sad!

Did I mention that thing about the New Mexico license plate yet? No? Maybe later. Tim wants me to go The Eels show on August 1st in Sommerville. And I want to, but KP's wedding is the next day, so I don't know how likely it is. Wait, did I explain this entry's marquee quote? It's about Niko and Misha, not Brett and Monique. Speaking of, my tentative plans to spend the 4th of July have been nixed by the mix. So that's how that goes. But did I hear someone say that they wanted to see a glorious picture of Niko? I know I do. (Besides, we have a batch of Chef Chen pictures coming soon)

Niko: Skulking for delicate parts to bite since 1982

Ok. Was there something else? I got Ben to read The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen before the not-exactly-close-translation film comes out this summer. He's gonna read Wicked next. The ghost of Hayley would be proud. Fuck this shit. I need to go to bed.

It's been real,

Roger: The Master Broom Balancer

ps - I updated the Links page. Isn't that nice? Click the Wicked Awesome Links below and check it on out!

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