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Sweet Cuppin' Cakes!

2003-05-23 - 12:57 p.m.

Mood: Numb, Cold, Hungry

Listening To: Talking Heads, Guster, Live, Hedwig, Counting Crows

Quote: "Are you looking for Ben? He was all bloody. Art took him to the hospital." - Neighbor Barb

A new entry. That's right all you chicken little sky is falling Zach finally kicked the online journal bucket motherfuckers. A new fucking entry! With 50% more profanity! Hooray! And to paraphrase our old friend Colin's favorite sticker, Hooray, It's *almost* Summer! Sigh. It sure is friends. It sure is. Remember Scattershot? Huh friends? Do ya remember? No? Figures. Well, I only bring him up to inform you that this entry is gonna be pretty scattershot. I don't really know how that makes it different from all the other entries. But, I just thought I'd give you the courtesy of knowing ahead of time. Besides, we should all be courteous to our fellow employees! Shan't we?! Oh that rascally Sheriff has got me being all courteous up in here! Ha ha. I love it. Except I don't. Love it. At all. Did I mention that I got a haircut? Don't worry, I will.

Wait, I remember Scattershot. Wait, I am Scattershot!

Right. So it's been a while. Understood. Was the Challenge over when I wrote my last entry? I don't know. I'm too lazy to look. I think it was. The reunion was stupid. Too stupid for me to even talk about it here. With the exception of mentioning that Ruthie has managed to transform from Tiger Woods to Tupac. Not an easy feat. The new Road Rules has started. Andrea taped it for me but I still haven't watched it. But apparently there's a big black man on it. America is just bonkers for big black men right now. Ruben Stottler just won on American "We stretch our finale over 4 short weeks" Idol. [And for the record, yes I know that man's last name isn't Stottler, but I think all involved must admit that it would be much funnier if it were - at least if you're from LA] Somewhere, in a dark corner, with his thumb in a pie, The Fridge is plotting his comeback. But enough of this blathering, we have a schedule to keep . . .

So right after the last entry, and around the same time that the Celtics decided to implode under the new watchful eye of our Lordship Ainge, Brooke graduated from PSC with her Master's Degree in Education. Normally, I'd just take this time to skip to the hi-jinx of the graduation and the party afterwards. But I must pause. Our Miss Culkin has informed me that she thinks she comes off badly in this here journal. I told her the famous maxim about, "If you come off badly in Zach's journal it's probably because you asked when the Simpsons's was over," but she didn't buy that malarky. So I told her I would make it up to her in this entry. So anyway. I slept in Sanbornton the Friday night before the ceremony and met Ben at his Dad's lair on Shore Drive on Saturday morning. (There was some mad-cappery involving Rick and I debasing the Time Out statue Friday night, but this is a family publication, so I'll leave it at that) We had no clue Jimbo's plan. My phone had been shut off the night before due to such a complicated reason that I have told so many times that I want to puke and isn't simply because I didn't pay my bill - WHICH I DID. So because of this, Jimbo couldn't get in touch with us and plan a time to meet. Well, at least that's the excuse he used, which totally makes sense as long as you forget that Ben and Brooke both have these gizmos called "phones" as well. Anyway, this entry's gonna be a long motherfucker, can't you tell? So Dick Walden goes on and on about how I "look different" now that I'm a "drivin' man!" Except I point out to him that he saw me the week before when he loaded my trunk full of furniture he was trying to get rid of. He threw a glass in the fireplace as a distraction and scampered under the sink. So Ben and I leave with my backseat full of bottles of booze for the new graduate. He bought her some of that magic Australian wine that TC got him hooked on and I bought her some of that Smirnoff Raspberry Vodka that her sister got us to like. I got her Ben Folds solo CD too. But you can't drink that. This paragraph is getting long so I'm gonna break it up and start a new one . . .

"Bumblebee *hearts* paragraph breaks!"

. . . so we're driving into Plymouth and before we go park, we stop at the gas station and I purchase some refereshing, teeth whitening Dentyne Ice! Wow! It really turned my day around! {OK, not really. I mean it was good. But I'm hoping to get some sponsers here. All these pics don't pay for themselves. I'm hoping to close a deal with Ford Focus any day now!} So as we're driving in, I'm telling this story to Ben about how when my good friend Brooke was visiting Lesley in Keene that she ran into Jane Clement! Now there's a blast from the past! We shared a good chuckle over some classic Clement stories and then, emerging from this outcropping of trees, barreling right in front of my Jeep are none other than the Clement family! "Whoa." - Ben "Yes. Whoa." - Zach. Truly, a blast from the past. [Hold on tight Past Zach, 'cause that ain't gonna be the only blast from the past you get that weekend! - Future Zach] [Dipshit, I fucking know that, I'm writing the entry in the past tense, but I still know what's coming. So you're not "Future Zach", you're just Present Zach looking for a way to spice up a paragraph that doesn't even need any spicing. Besides, we've got Jessie Callahan coming up remember? - Present Zach] [You're the fucking dipshit who just went and ruined the Jessie Callahan surprise. - Future Zach] [Fuck. - Present Zach] Sure enough, it was Jane and her parents. We guessed (correctly as it were) that her sister Emily was graduating. On our way into the Plymouth Coliseum, we saw Mr. Callahan. We joked that we might see Jessie inside. It wasn't much of a joke. As we saw her. Inside. The place was packed and Ben and I had to sit in the very back of the bleachers. Which was probably for the best as we mostly heckled and made fun of the people graduating that had funny names. And Mrs. Morrison was graduating too! Elena may have been there, but we didn't see her. Besides, she doesn't fit in with the "spooky blast from the past Letter C plot thread" that I'm weaving. (Callahan, Clement . . . well, Culkin too, but that one's not that odd) Jimbo arrived right as the inexplicable bagpipe player was about to start bagpiping. He sat on the back of the opposite bleachers. Which put him in a prime spot for us to make faces at him and point. It was glorious. And then a bunch of stuff happened. And people gave speeches that Ben and I graded very harshly. I think the best speech got a C-. And we were being generous. And then, my good friend Brooke graduated. Oh frabjous day. We got a few more looks of Jessie Callahan, and since I didn't talk to her, all I can really report is that she has really short hair. That's it. Jimbo told people he was late because "Zach didn't pay his phone bill!" . . . . . simmering over here . . .because not only is that NOT TRUE, but it has to be one of the most asinine excuses I've ever heard. On our way back to the cars we ran into the Clements again. Of course. So we talk to Jane. Catch up. She does her whole "Oh my God! I can't believe I'm seeing you guys! This is so insane!" act that she always does when she sees us. Somewhere around Jimbo asking her if she "lived in a swamp" (I'm not making this stuff up) someone tapped my shoulder and said it was good to see me. I turned around and there was Purple Monkey! Never in all my years did I think I'd find myself in a Clement / Purple Monkey sandwich! Ok, well I thought it once. But I was on some pretty bad smack. So I didn't really give it a second thought. But I should have! Because here it was! Happening! And I can't fucking believe I've already typed this much and I'm still not past the god damned graduation. So then we took some pictures, left, and met back at Brooke's in LA.

"This taking too long. When you get to part where you mention Rumble? Rumble loves when you mention Rumble in an entry."

So we got to the Culkin's and we eagerly awaited what was described as "food in rounds". It was worth the wait. Hannah soon showed up from the woods of Meredith and lots of Culkin family friends whose names I don't remember were there too. And there was lots of good dip and crackery things and lots to drink and then stuff on the grill and burgers and hot dogs and sausages and . . . mmmmmm so good. Rich showed up after work which made playing Beirut that much more fun, because Rich Presher always brings his Beirut boots. And now, to stitch the last of my "blast from the past Letter C" thread, Caddie showed up! Now, it's not as random as it sounds. Her mom and my good friend Brooke's mom are good friends (sort of like how Brooke and I are good friends). And Caddie was in town from NYC for Mother's Day. So she came by. I haven't seen Caddie in . . . I don't know. A lot of years. It's been a long time. And it was obvious from the get-go that she had aged better than her former high school counterpart, who TC informs me has picky tastes in ethnic cuisine and ethnic films, despite different ethnicities not being picky about her "raucous rump". I didn't really catch up with Miss Lewis as much as I wanted to as Hannah and I were ruling the Beirut Table school. Not surprisingly, Hannah and I decided to utilize the "Ox Maneuver" from the "Beirut Strategies That Get Zach Tanked" Play Book. And it worked. And how. For those that don't know, The Ox Maneuver consists of Hannah not drinking all her cups, as she shoots better when she's not drunk and Zach drinking all his cups and many of Hannah's, as his line drives are that much better when he's drunk. I know it seems implausible, but it works! Works well enough to have kept us on the table for four straight games! Boo-ya! We even beat Brooke's dad, who I was slightly suspicious that he was hustling us, since, for having claimed never to have played before he sunk his first four cups on his first four throws. Magic. So anyway. Then we ate some more and drank some more. There was some business about Lesley pile-driving me over an errant Reebok Step apparatus, Teddy Dow explaining the history of the name "Walter", and Ben talking to TC on the phone for about 3 hours about a bed. Yeah, I was there and I don't really understand either. Then we played flip cup and then I start to get really hazy on the rest of the night. The real tragedy is that Roy was HOME in LA right down the street and we didn't even know! Except I felt like Elaine on Jerry's parent's couch sleeping on the concrete futon all night with no pillow. I felt like assy ass the next morning. I'll tell you more about it after I show you these poorly scanned pics of the party . . .

Hannah, Rich, & Jimbo

Hannah, Jimbo & Rich in chairs, Ben doing his best impression of a monkey/Mick Jagger, Teddy, and my good friend Brooke and Lesley on the steps

So Mother's Day. Man. What a day. I bumbled out of the Culkin's grosser and smellier than usual and drove to Sanbornton to take a shower. I had to meet my mother in Portsmouth and see her real quick before I went to the Wallakers for noon. Yes, despite previous reports, she decided she wanted to see me after all for Mother's Day. Isn't she a peach? So blah, blah, drive real fast cakes, I met her in Portsmouth and we had a some bagels and fruit. And I gave her the CD I had made her and Volume 2 of the Sopranos soundtrack. Aren't I a peach? And then I went off to the Wallakers and subjected AlIson to reading "Y: The Last Man", just as I had done to Hayley and AlYson before her. And she liked just as they had. Grand. I'm glad that I've got most of the girls at work reading comics (I even got Broadhurst and Carrie to read some before they left!) except Kate, who has a steely resolve that the only thing she'll ever do to my comics is muckle them with her greasy paws right after eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (much like my good friend Brooke, or my yet-to-be-mentioned-in-this-entry friend Monique). And I made a sign for the free Mums we were giving out. It said "Free Mums for Mom!" Isn't that so precious? [Don't worry Eldridge, Mother's Day is no 4th of July. We'll always have Independence Day. We'll always have Independence Day.] And then Hilary comes in! I can't make this shit up. What a flashbacky weekend! And Bonnie, Margie, and Margie's mother were hot on her heels! Man, at that point, I wouldn't have been shocked to see Patty Patty Prop Girl at the Mobil Station. Don't get excited. I didn't really get to see P.P.P.G. It was Danielle's last day at the FRM, so her, the Kate that isn't Kate, and myself went to the glamorous T.G.I.Fridays next store for drinks. It was fun, even if I had to be subjected to watching horrific Celtics highlights all the while. It was pouring when we left. And I hydroplaned all the way home. Something tells me that this won't be the last time T.G.I.Friday's rears it's craptastic head this summer.

Look! It's a picture of the T.G.I.Friday's logo!

Meanwhile, Andrea and Phil are in Hawaii, Chef Chen Kenichi wanders in the back yard, finals start, the Sheriff tries to make some power plays at the Wallakers, my good friend Brooke starts interviewing with high schools in the state, and a package arrives at the Wallakers with my name on it! It's from Brett and Monique! How grand! Except it's mostly my own stuff. Sopranos Season 2, Muppet Show DVD, etc. BUT! And this is a Manning-sized BUTT, there was a special picture of my Niko wearing his Easter dress and a love note written to me by Niko himself, in his adorable broken Russian Kitty English. Awwwww. I just about melted.

"Enough of this melting! Get a move on! There's still so much to write about. You lost Fred paragraphs ago and Monique's just skimming if only to find more mentions of her name! And for just getting Brad back to reading your journal, you've turned him off again with this long entry while he searches in vain for the next mention of cool, refreshing Dentyne Ice!"

Holy fuck - what kind of transformer is that?! I don't remember any sort of transformer that changed into an evil earwig! Especially a constructicon earwig. Damn. I will have to call Keith about this one. He knows his transformers like Tim Laurent knew He-Man. Which is to say - very well.

So that following Friday, (which is actually last Friday, not today, got that? good, because I don't) with the happy news that A Mighty Wind was playing in Portsmouth, Ben and I made plans to meet Kate and Hayley at the mall after work and make our way to the movie theater next to The Ham Store. Which we did. All the while frightened that Andrea's spider sense would be going off in Hawaii that we were seeing the movie without her. And we watched the movie. And it was great. No, of course it wasn't better than Guffman, but I still loved it. Pretty much everyone from the other three movies were in it. And they finally got Harry Shearer back, which was a great addition. But with so many characters, people were bound to get the shaft, and shafted was what Parker Posey got. Which sucks. Because I like her. Oh well. Fred Willard, not surprisingly, stole every scene he was in. Good lord did he make me laugh out loud. Funny funny stuff. And Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara were so good that it bordered often on drama opposed to comedy. But I still loved it. And all I have to say is that the people that left as the movie was ending and missed the final two minutes, well . . . they missed something extremely funny that I won't ruin here.

"I'd like to see Autumn in Crabbeville."

Two horses just galloped by my window. Oh, Rollinsford. So Saturday, after leaving the Wallakers, I was going over a mental list for what I'd need when I went to Laconia. My mother was having a BBQ on Sunday so I was going up the night before and was going to hang out with my good friend Brooke at her house and visit her sister at Nadia'a and eat lots of good food. I know, it's freakishly similar to the weekend before. But it almost all didn't happen. For the reason I'm about to tell you about right now. I drove into the driveway in Rollinsford with the aim of just running in, grabbing my laundry and some DVDs and running out. I parked behind Ben's car, which as usual was full or planks and tools and assorted "house fixing tools". I checked the mail and was happy to see that we finally had gotten KP and Mike's wedding inviations. I saw the shed was wide open so I figured Ben was in the shed. He wasn't. So I went inside. The basement door was open so I assumed he was bunkered down there fixing the flux capacitor, or whatever it is he was working on. And that's when I noticed the blood on the floor. And Chef Chen Kenichi looking at me and mewing. Mew mew mewing. My first thought was that the cat cut himself. That is until I realized as I looked into the basement and realized there was no noise coming from down there, that the make-shift stairs had fallen and wires and pipes were all askew. Before I could yell to Ben, an old woman's voice croaked out from behind me, "Are you looking for Ben?" I whipped around to see a woman on our back steps that I had seen gardening enough times next store to know she was our neighbor. But that's all I knew. "He was all bloody. Art took him to the hospital." Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok, ok, ok. Let's back up to the part about him being all bloody. "Art is your husband?" I asked her. "Yes. And I'm Barb! It's easy to remember because it's A & B!" "So Ben . . ." I jumpstarted. "Oh yes. Well, we invited him over for pizza and . . ." [Hold on, I don't even know their names and Ben gets invited over for pizza? God damn. Fred, I think that isolationist policy isn't doing me any favors.] " . . . and he said he'd like some pizza but had to finish something in the basement first. Then he came out about 20 minutes later holding a rag to his head and bleeding down his neck. He said he was sorry he couldn't have any pizza but he had to drive himself to the hospital. Art wouldn't let him because he was scared Ben'd pass out, so Art drove him. All happened about 15 minutes ago." After I told Barb that my name started with Z, I grabbed my shit and drove to Aaron and Michelle's, which is right down the road. I explained to them that my clearly concussion afflicted roommate may need someone to make sure he doesn't fall asleep in the next few hours and then I left for the hospital. I missed Ben as he was on his way home. He called me and said a beam had fallen on his head and they needed to put 9 staples in his head to make sure his melon was all reattached. 9 staples. In his melon. he said I didn't need to come back and I told him to take it easy that night. He said he would. He didn't. But more on that in a few paragraphs. That's right! More paragraphs! This entry will NEVER END!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, I gotta stop so much time from going on between entries. Below you will find an artist's rendering of the scene when I came home last Saturday. The artist felt the need to add a giant purple tentacle swirling about amongst the live wires. I stand by the artist's decision.

Man! We haven't seen such artistic genius since last June! Man, that entry was a long motherfucker too. Oh well. Moving on . . . So I get to Laconia and go to Brooke's. We sit there and talk about when we should go to Nadia's while admonish her for never having seen Office Space. I know, it's sinful. But that's ok. She's still my good friend. So we eventually go to Nadia's and of course we have Lesley as our waitress and not so of course we sit across from Bill Crane. Oh well, you can't win 'em all. I don't really remember the name of the Italian Beer I had, nor the name of any of the Italian food I had. But it was all really friggin' good. I couldn't finish. I couldn't finish! And there was even a canoli to top it all off and I COULDN'T EAT IT! For shame. We went back to Brooke's and watched tv and drank. Lesley joined us after work and we took in some My So Called-Life. Then Teddy came over. If Hannah had showed up looking to play Beirut, I would have freaked. Come morning I left for Sanbornton, again to shower, again to meet and eat with my mother.

"Now talk about whiskey for Nanny and HomestarRunner!" -

The BBQ was a small affair. It was just Brad, Conner, Nanny, Don, my mother, and me. It was good though, even if we had to swat black flies and I had to fake a bee sting to avoid getting Nanny a new drink. But before Nanny could have any drinks, she realized she forgot her whiskey. Yes people, my grandmother travels with whiskey. If you've met her, this wouldn't surprise you in the least. Well, she didn't have it. And she wanted it. And she wanted us to go the liquor store. On a Sunday afternoon. Sigh. So Brad, Conner, and I (all going so not to leave one of the others stuck there) had to go to Franklin to see if we could rustle up some whiskey. We couldn't. So we wasted some time, which was probably filled up with my lecturing Brad about Topic A through Z, and came back with the story that we had gone to Franklin AND Belmont, but no dice. Oh well, right? She will just settle for drinking cooking sherry, right? WRONG. She made Brad go down to his bosses house, who happens to own Oliver's, and who happens to be friends with Nanny, and borrow some of her personal whiskey. Sigh. All of this is true. Later that night, Conner and I watched The Simpsons season finale at my mother's while Brad passed out on the couch behind us. Later still, I was bored and decided to go back to Brad's with him and Conner. Brad had some friends over. On a school night to boot! I know, I did not approve either. Two of them, Chris and Chris remembered me from when I taught them to play card games back during Christmas. They had brought their friend Pat with them who I had heard was just a firecracker of frivolity and fun. Yeah, well, his real personality must have been on loan to Atlas Fireworks, because this kid was as much of a dud as they come. I mean, I felt bad because I was clearly talking too fast for his little dinosaur brain to comprehend and it's not fair to get in a battle of the wits with someone who is unarmed, but come on, if this is what the younger generation is like, then lets stop Social Security after my generation. To quote Monique's Dad, this kid "had two speeds: Slow and Reverse." Anyway. When these whippersnappers weren't too busy smelling like Otto's backpack, one of the Chris's was busy finding pockets of pepperoni ground into the rug to snack on and kifing my refreshing my Dentyne Ice. Seriously, these young kids think they can just go around stealing other people's Dentyne Ice. It's bullshit. Whatever. After watching Adult Swim, tucking in and reading Conner a story, and revealing to the other Chris what I had in common with Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman, I left to go back to my mother's house. The next day Rick and I went out for pizza and DQ while calling Monique at work in New Jersey and taunting her about all the fun and food we were having. We're not nice friends. Nice friends like . . . Brooke!


Meanwhile, Andrea gets back from Hawaii, Hannah graduates from Drew, the Henson children buy back the Muppets, AlYson gets me to discover and love HomeStarRunner, TC sweats it out over the 24 finale, Ben hoodwinks Andrea into getting Chinese Food, only to be "ditched" at Chinese Food days later by Kate, and McLaughlin gets word to us that he's chillin' out on the USS Boxer somewhere in the Persian Gulf. Oh yes. And I was gonna mention that Ben went out that night he got hurt and got loaded with Jeff and then he slept in his car until 4:30 in the morning. Oh that Ben, not even staples will keep him down. And I finally saw the staples. And let me tell you. They are fucking gross.

Wait, wait! Did I mention that AlYson made me Vegan Pie! And Hayley went back home for the summer! And I got a haircut! A really really short haircut! And my dad got a new car! A silver car! And I ate at Applebee's twice in one week! And I'm not going to Riverfest with Justin! And I'm rereading Harry Potter 4 in order to be ready for 5 in less than a month! And my mother got me The Beatles Anthology on DVD and I love it! And Bryan's getting married soon! And Rich moved in with O'Shea! And Liz and Laura are moving to Hawaii! And what about going back to NYC?! Oh man, there's just no time left is there? Just click the Homestarrunner link above my friends. Trust me. You'll be glad you did.

It's been real,

Hey Steve

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