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Mutants: Of Movies, Mountains & Man-children!

2003-05-07 - 10:07 a.m.

Mood: Spiteful, Immature, Hungry

Listening To: The White Stripes, Ben Folds Five, Jack Johnson (I wish)

Quote: "That's classic . . . like a Wendy's hamburger." - Tim Curtis

Where was I? Probably eating somewhere. Or spending my paycheck in record speeds. Or a little from column A and from column Z. Seriously, I think Ben, Kate, Andrea and I shared every single meal together in a 3 day period. Ok, ok. Not every single one. But close. Wait! What am I doing?! As a loyal Granite Stater I have only one way I can begin this entry! Affix the black arm band friends, because like my old friend Saarland, off we go . . .

Oh not-so-purple mountain's majesty. By this point everyone but Jimbo is aware that the Old Man in the Mountain came crashing down last Friday night / early Saturday morning. I was informed by my mother calling the Wallakers early Saturday morning with her trademarked "hushed tone" telling me of the granite tragedy. I then informed the FRM. Everyone at the FRM! Ok, ok. Let's not be crazy. I stayed away from The Bombay Company like the SARS spreading pit that it is. So yes, yes, it's all sad. After calling San Fran to inform TC about the horribleness of it all he paused and then solemnly said, "I feel like I should come home now." But I know what you're all really thinking. You're thinking, "Zach, in this time of strife and uncertainty, could you please deliver unto us some Old Man In The Mountain Fun Facts?!" I am thusly here with your fun facts.

Old Man Fun Facts: 1. He measured 40 feet in length. 2. His eyebrows were 11 feet high. 3. His upper lip was 7 feet high. 4. His chin was 12 feet long. 5. The central piece of his forehead weighed 30 tons!! 30 tons I say! I recycled over 2 tons of aluminum cans in my day so I know that 30 tons is a lot! A lot I say! Goodbye Old Man in the Mountain. We'll miss you. And with his passing I have two things to say: Firstly, it looks like it's time for Granite Staters to loot South Dakota and steal Crazy Horse for our very own and change all our state signs and quarters accordingly and secondly, are we all really sure that this wasn't a plot by Laconia to discredit the other town ending in "conia" in the state? Hell hath no fury like a Franconia scorned. ["I took a ride up to Franconia on the bike on Sunday to see for myself. It's true. It's gone." - My Dad]

So yes, Gamma is dead and gone and Carter is that much more of a tool for it. Blech to all you "Woe is Carter" people. You know where my bread is buttered. It's buttered on the "My crazy brother fell into an open grave" side of the bread. Challenge? What. A. Shocker. Except. Not. The boys win it all. Obviously. Anytime you have a final three that includes the Monoxidil poster girl Lori you can't help but lose. And so comes to an end a season that kept promising Ellen was gonna get her ass kicked only to have close calls, spit takes, and Anessa's naked breasts swinging in the Jamaican breeze. I feel cheated that Ellen didn't get her ass kicked. And this is coming from a semi-fan of Ellen. I'd say that I want to do the ass kicking myself, but I don't want the Boston Globe to suspend me from online access for a month. (I hope you enjoyed that joke Tim and Justin, as you're the only two that probably got it)

But if Bob Ryan's good for anything, he's good for a segue. So here we are again. The Celtics versus the Nets. The despised, wife-beating, toxic waste drinking, Rodney Rogers stealing New Jersey Nets. Sigh. Bashing them would be a hell of a lot more fun if the Celts didn't lose to them the other night. But it's only the first game. Just opening jitters. At least I keep telling myself that. But if there's one thing that you can always count on with the Nets it's the freakosity of a traveling side show known as the Kidd family. Let's start with a quote shall we? When asked to describe the Boston experience during last year's play-offs, Joumana Kidd, wife of Jason expressed the following after being prompted with, "Was it rude . . . disruptive?": "No," she said, thinking a little longer. "Evil … Like it was Satan." That's right folks. Evil. Like it was Satan. What, is McKeen this woman's PR man? Now, if Boston fans were truly evil, I mean truly evil, don't you think they'd do something like make fun of the Kidd's mutated bobble-headed man-child T.J.? Well, then color me truly evil, because in the immortal words of Mrs. Aberg, here we go . . .

Well, well, well. What have we here? Joumana holding on to her two favorite things! A camera and her over-sized brooch of one of the Campbell's Soup Kids! Oh wait, that's no brooch! That's her gigantic headed son T.J.! Seriously, no amount of McKeen or So I Married An Axe Murderer jokes can truly get at how large this kid's noggin is. It's HUUUUUGE. There are rumors that Joumana was put through a 3 week labor. Sounds a little on the short side for that piñata headed child she has there.

Oh, now this is precious. Look. The family that beats each other together stays together. Awwwwww. What's this? Joumana is jumping in for some microphone time? In her fluorescent whore-colored lipstick? Now if I was Uncle Bob, I'd go and make some sort of off-colored joke about Joumana, the microphone, and her "off-court talents", as it were. But I'd never work that blue! I'm going to ignore the morlock looking visage of Jason here and focus again on his boulder-headed son. If one would first care to notice that T.J.'s head is the SAME FUCKING SIZE as Jason and Joumana's!!!! Ok, I may be no math wiz, but let's see, if I carry the golden ration over the remainder . . . his head will be 40 feet in length by the time he's 18! ["Trust me, it ain't no picnic." - The Old Man In The Mountain] Yeah, those 11 foot eyebrows are gonna be a bitch. One last thing, see the ball that T.J. is palming there? Yeah. Palming. WITH HIS THREE FINGERED MUTANT HAND.

Now this picture, taken by our old friends at the AP shows a nice quiet and modest moment for the camera-shy members of the Kidd family. Joumana is looking desperately for a camera while T.J. looks hungrily across the court - transfixed by a hot dog vendor. Not the hot dogs. The hot dog vendor. It seems cannibalism won't even satisfy the ever-growing cranium of little "Teej". (That's my cute little nick name for him) My only real problem with this picture is I just wish I knew who they were rooting for. Plus, with no one watching Teej, what if a stray basketball player, let's say, of I don't know, his FATHER, was to come crashing into him, thus effectively beating both of his family members. No. That's too crazy. Never happen.

Ok, ok. Here we have a recent shot of T.J. I know what you're thinking. Even you cold hearted bastards with no feeling. You're thinking, "Awwwww, isn't that cute? The little man-boy is playing with a mini-basketball cause he wuvs his daddy!" Yeah. Real cute. Except that ain't no mini-basketball. That's a REGULATION SIZED basketball! That's the same size as his HUGE MELON HEAD. And for those of you who thought I just took a cheap shot at his "three fingered mutant hand" because the camera angle obscured his other two fingers, well, not so fast. Look at how they position T.J.'s fin in this photo so it draws less attention to the fact that Joumana was probably drinking mercury during her pregnancy.

Ok. I think I have that out of my system. Especially since I have now alienated everyone but Tim, Justin, and Bob Ryan from reading my journal. And no Mr. Lobel, I do not accept your offer of taking "a mulligan" on this entry.

I know what will put us in a better mind-set!

Ah. Much better. So yeah. Went to see X2 on Friday by myself during the afternoon. You know I loved it. My favorite parts were the fringe mutants that weren't in it much. Colossus, Shadowcat, Syren. Very cool. You could hear the sound of a million geek orgasms when Colossus turned into his metal form. After a quick break back at the Wallakers to pretty much make fun of Hayley for not getting to see X2 yet, I went back to Rollinsford to wait for Ben and Andrea to show up. After they got here we went and picked up Kate and indulged in some China Buffet. And Ben made a very very very unintentionally funny joke about a "Suggestion Box" that would take way too much set up for me to explain here. Then we went to see X2. And thank God I bought tix in advance since all 6 night shows were sold out. Damn. It was even better the second time. I hadn't seen lines like that since Batman, Back to the Future 2 and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. For TMNT, I was actually in a line around the corner from the Colonial, winding down Canal Street! {Spider-Man wasn't a long line since I was there on a weekday at 10:30 in the morning} So yeah, we all loved the movie and I had to explain the ending a bit to Kate and Ben to show them what was in store for X3, of which there most certainly will be. Alan Cumming was great as Nightcrawler. He stole the show. Well, no he didn't. But close. Magneto still had some kick ass scenes, especially the prison break-out. I am so going to see this movie again. If only to see Nightcrawler and my new girlfriend Famke Jannsen.

Storm, Colossus, Phoe . . . I mean Jean Grey, Professor X, and Cyclops

Saturday was me and the Overlord at the Wallakers all morning. Fun stuff. Especially fun since he would later rip all of mine and Kate's artwork from the back room down and throw it away. We are so fired so soon. At least Kate has been smart enough to apply at other places. Oh, and Suncoast was headhunting me! They were! They came right out and offered me a job. They were all, "Are you manager or assitant manager at the Wallakers?" And I just shuffled my feet and said, "On paper? Neither." And they laughed. And then they asked about my "benefits". Ha, ha. The only benefits I get at the Wallakers is the good fortune of being forced to listen to the cockmonkey Harry Connick Jr. CD every single motherfucking minute of the day. And as soon as I leave the room the Putamayo, TMBG, and Muppets get filed away. You can't tell but I am shaking my fist mightily at the Gods of the Wallakers right now. Sunday morning saw Ben, Kate, Andrea and I eating what will be the last buffet breakfast at Robin's! It was Kate and Andrea's first, but sadly, Robin's is discontinuing their only reason for us to go there. Stupid Robin's. I terrorized Kenichi for much of Sunday while Ben wheelbarrowed piles of bricks into the woods. I don't ask questions. We went to the mall and met up with Kate at the Wallakers while Ben got his watch fixed by those scamps at the Jewler's Workbench. And then . . . then we left to Andrea and Phil's and met Kate there after we picked up beverages. Why? Well, mostly because it had been so long since we had all had a meal together. About 7 hours. Rex punked out and fell asleep before we even got there and Todd tethered me to the PS2 to help him with CTR until dinner was ready. Dinner was really fucking good. Phil made prime rib and cooked it to each of our specific temps. Mine was a little slice of medium heaven. Mmmmm. It was good. And then after Kate and Ben left, Andrea and I commenced with the Alias section of what was intended to be an "Alias Party" Yeah. So Alias. I'm not even gonna talk about it here. It was such a motherfucking mindfuck that I'm still trying to figure it out now (as is every Alias fan in the world) and it's still giving me nightmares. But damn was it good. One of the best pieces of television I've ever seen. [Pause] Ok, I just spent the last 10 minutes trying to decide on a good picture from the Alias finale to use. But they all freaked me out too much so I'm not going to use any of them. I'll say this much though. I think my friends know me well enough that as soon as they read anything of mine that mentions my love of Helen Hunt & Aerosmith and my distaste for Newsradio . . . well, chances are that's my evil genetic duplicate. Also, for the record, I LOVE COFFEE ICE CREAM

Shhhh, baby. Don't you let those scary Alias mindfucks upset you, Famke's here now.

Yeah. So the new Jack Johnson CD is good. Bought it yesterday with the 15 cents I got back in my tax return. I'd even be listening to it right now if the fuck asses let it be played in a computer. I can understand that they're trying to fight online piracy (yar!) but dictating where I can and can't play a CD? Bullshit. They need to say on the CD BEFORE I buy it that it can only be played in certain places. I don't have stereo upstairs. So I use the computer. And not only does it not work, but if freezes up the computer and makes it all wonky. But with this piece of shit of computer you can't even tell the difference. Plus, Phil and Andrea are leaving for Hawaii tomorrow. God, who isn't leaving for Hawaii nowadays?! Stupid bunch of stupids. Whatever. I'm gonna go put Kenichi on the roof outside my bedroom now. Why? Because I can. That's why.

It's been real,

G. W. Wilikie

Two Years Later . . .

Mwah ha ha! I am the largest boy ever! Bigger even than that "Zach: The Biggest Baby" who's always on Maury! Mwah ha ha! My mother's a camera whore! Mwah ha ha! I ate our maid for dinner! - T. J. Kidd

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