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She's The Sheriff!

2003-04-07 - 11:22 p.m.

Mood: Cold, Nightmare-Stricken, Flu-ish

Listening To: Ben Folds Five, Ship Of Fools Mix

Quote:"I'm allergic to porcupines!" - Rex

Is it time to blow out the candles?! Maybe trick candles?! I love trick candles! You think they're regular candles, and you're blowing them out and you're like, wow I can't wait for these candles to blow out! But then your cheeks start to get sore and you're like, what the heck?! And everyone's kinda giggling. And you're like, Stop fucking giggling you fucking cockpotatoes, I'm tryin' to blow out these fucking demonic motherfucking candles. And then they start sparking and shit. And everyone laughs at you. And then they eat your cake. I hate trick candles.

"Oh well. Maybe not. I'll try again." - Ben Folds Five

So yes, as the Bionic Six once said, "Happy Anniversary!" Except they weren't saying it to me. I wish they were. But today is the day, today's the day of the game. And by "game" I mean that I've been writing in this journal for One Full Year. 365 days if you will. And I will. We've had our ups and downs, haven't we? I don't think we'll ever forget that time Maura Tierney came into the Wallakers and killed my superior(s) and then carried me out of there like so many sacks of potatoes. I wipe away a tear just typing about it. I'm not gonna get all retrospecticus here, since I'll leave that to the very forthcoming One Hundredth Entry. (For those checking at home, this is #97) I hoping for a die-cut, silver embossed, holographic dealy. But I'm not holding my breath either.

"The words you want to hear, you will never hear from me. I'll never say, 'Happy Anniversary'." - The Magnetic Fields

So April Fool's Day. It came. It went. These days, I look at A.F.D. as more of an annoying burden than the fun challenge it used to be. Don't get me wrong, I bagged me 15 bo-na-fide Fools on that hallowed day this year, but I just don't have the drive for it that I used to. Has anybody else realized that I'm writing a paragraph about my growing apathy towards April Fool's Day? Cause I just did. And I was gonna write an entry on the 1st and be all "wacky" and "zany" and go on and on about my deep love and respect of Mad About You, and Aerosmith, and Tracey Lundgren. But it would have been a lot of work for a pretty one-note joke. And no Johnny One-Note am I! Besides, I'll be hard-pressed to top the Fred/Zach denouement of denouements from several years ago when we blanketed the entire campus with slogans about Marshall at 3 in the morning, only for the student body to drink them in the next day, and the following weeks. David Marshall has two different types of rashes, indeed.

"I'm here for the gig. I rode my electric bug from Venus. I came from the alien heart." - Sifl & Olly

So I got the Futurama Season One DVD set. And. I. Love. It! Seriously, HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!! It's easily the coolest looking package of any DVD I've ever bought. But the best part is that it reacquainted me with why I loved Futurama in the first place, before Fox started treating it like Helen Hunt's afterbirth. I went too far there didn't I? Anyway. If you need only one reason to buy it (or at the very least, borrow it from me in the future), then it would have to be for the mind-tripping experience of The CRUSHINATOR. It's not that expensive, it has TONS of extras, and basically, you'd be an idiot not to buy it. Unless of course you're already a card carrying idiot named Brett, or let's say, hmmmm, Monique, and you claim that King of the Crap is a far more superior program than Futurama then you can just wait until Crap of the Hill comes out on DVD in a few months and buy that instead. And then you can play co-ed naked Ker-Plunk with Helen Hunt's afterbirth! I went too far there with the Ker-Plunk didn't I? I knew I should have stuck with my gut and gone with "Don't Break the Ice!" But, nooo, I thought "Ker-Plunk" sounded funnier. What do I know?

Lulabell 7, Daisy Mae 128-K, & THE CRUSHINATOR!!!

So yeah - whenever Nanny writes me checks for holidays, or if I've been a "good boy", I ALWAYS ALWAYS lose them. Always. It's gotten to the point that I tell her not to give me more checks. EVER. I should clarify, my grandmother isn't Zsa Zsa Gabor, she doesn't cut me these checks for millions of dollars. They're usually between $10 and $20. But that's not the point. The point is that I always fucking lose them and every fucking time she gets really fucking pissed at me. Now, obviously, I don't blame her for getting pissed. But it just makes it so I avoid her when she calls because I don't want to hear her nag me about the check. But then I feel all guilty about avoiding her and convince myself to call her, but then I remember she'll nag me and I freak out and don't call. And then Shane goes and gives Genesis the Ion friggin' Lifesaver! And I'm like, shit! Now what?! But luckily, it resulted in Queen of the Horsefaces - Anne, to have to go home instead of Genesis, so hooray! And now Nanny's nagging at my mother to nag at me to call her - so she can nag at me. So you know, never-ending cycles of naggitude . . . I like that.

"Slip your profits in a bag. And you look up to the hour hand. And we almost figured out how we'll get along." - They Might Be Giants

Went to see Spirited Away with Andrea, Todd, and Rex on Sunday after the Wallakers Staph Meeting. Holy fucking shit was this a good movie. It seemed to freak Todd and Rex out a bit in certain parts, but that's understandable, since it's supposed to be a cross between Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, through the prism of Japanese folklore. That sounds freaky. Yes, it's over 2 hours long - so what?! Yes, it's dubbed - but flawlessly! Yes, it looks all foreign and weird - that's because it is! Yes, it's animated, which I know for some of my less intelligent friends gives it three strikes right off the bat. [How's that for alienating people while employing a double baseball metaphor! Bam!] But jumpin' jehosaphat was this a good movie. I'm not even going to TRY to explain the movie because if I did all of your brains would pop at the sheer insanity of it all. I'm not going to bore you with the list of awards this movie won, but if you can see it at the theater (which it's back in after it's Oscar win a few weeks ago) take advantage! Bah! Enough of this! Just watch the damn movie. Either way, it's out on DVD April 15th. Along with Family Guy Season One DVD! Along with Andrea's birthday! Along with Tax Day! (Booooo! Hisss! Andrea's birthday is ruining the other three fun things on that day!)

I . . . I'm not even gonna try to explain this. But I will go on record saying that I *heart* NoFace!

So I think I mentioned that we had a Staph Meeting on Sunday. I don't exactly have a history of these things going off without a hitch. Well, Andrea couldn't come, and that probably helped in the grand scheme of things. And Kate and I threw caution to the wind and sat next to each other, telling each other it would serve as a "maturity test". Right. It also didn't help that I was at the tail-end of a killer cold. A Killer Croc cold! And I never ever get sick. So when I do get sick, my eyes swell up, my throat closes up shop, my nose starts conducting all sorts of transmogrification, and my lungs, full of dried parsley as they are, become garnished with even more odd moon-rock looking objects of curiosity. And yet, he still doesn't call in sick to work folks! Anyway. Mostly, the meeting was ok. Mostly. As usual, Karin, Marianne, and I talked all about Alias. I roamed around bemoaning how many more types of marionettes they had then the mall store. Kate and I talked under our breath and pet the plush. And then we found out that She's The Sheriff. That's right. A meeting that we thought would mostly center around Kate's Window Art, my Lace-A-Puppet, Hayley's Cat's Cradle, Alyson's gyroscope, and Marianne's Gertie Ball (please) ended up centering around She becoming The Sheriff. That's right. As if the writing on the Playmobil wall wasn't bold enough, She had to go and be anointed The Sheriff. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you aren't currently employed at the Wallakers, nor are you a former employee - otherwise, word would have reached you already. And if you aren't in one of those categories, trust me, you couldn't care less. But know this, something tells me that now that She is indeed The Sheriff, expect a lot more rainbow kites on display and rampant zucchini theft. Just saying is all.

The Squeak.E.est Sheriff in the East!

My buddy Coty is due to blow into the East Coast with much fanfare this week. Let's hope it turns out positive and fun and not chock full o' stingrays and butter knives.

"Not much of this makes sense to me." - Guster

It's been real,


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