2002-06-21 - 10:37 p.m.

Right. Friday. Thank Urkel It's Friday. Work fucking sucks. But enough of that right now. Let's get ready for an old-fashioned vomit-out-my-thoughts entry (but we're gonna do it with an interesting twist that only M. Night Shammylammy could see coming!) [Hint: The "twist" is that I will be doing it in faux-newspaper-write-in-column style! Hmmm, that wasn't as much a "hint", as it was an upfront admittance of my plan. Oh well, no going back now!] As they say back in the old country: "Hoo-ray, it's summer!"

~Ham on Ham-eaters!~ Our old pal Brooke, from Laconia, writes in: "Zach, is it true that if you put a piece of ham on the counter and then draw a circle around it and then pour soda on it, the ham will slowly crawl out of the circle because the worms in the ham are trying to get away from the acidity of the soda?" Well Brooke, this is a very important question, and one I get about 2 or 3 times a month. The answer is that this is an old wives tale older even than the fish tale about Mr. St. Lawrence and his crotchless panties. Besides, you should count yourself damn fortunate if you find yourself at the Pizza Hut buffet when they decide to make one of the marquee pizzas Hawaiian. Mmmmm, pizza topping has a first name, it's P-I-N-E-A-P-P-L-E, my pizza has a second name, it's H-A-M-M-M. Mmmmmm, I love it! And I had the pleasure to have some of that delectable Polynesian Pie on Thursday while Andrea and I played hookey form work.

~Coconutty~ Paul E. Burton from Durham asks: "Zach, I really like to relax with a nice cold glass of pineapple juice and Malibu Rum. Does this make me gay? ps - I also like to have sex with men. Ta Ta!" Hey there Paul! Haven't heard from you in a while! You never call anymore! You never e-mail! You never send any more summons for my arrest! Anyway you crafty cad, let me answer your question. No, absolutely not. In NO way does drinking Pineapple Juice and Malibu make you gay. Such macho men as John Wayne, Johnny Unitas, General George S. Patton, and Jim J. Bullock were all known to enjoy the drink. So yes, ol' Burton my boy. You are in the clear. There is absolutely no way that you are gay. At all.

~Alan The Hamster~ Andrea from York writes: "Oh Wise and Wickedly Awesome Zach, I just bought a new hamster and have named him Alan. First, do you think this is a good name for a hamster? Two, how do you spell hamster? Is it "hamster" or "hampster"? And thirdly, I was thinking about buying a limo to drive Alan around in. Should I get a regular limo or a stretch limo?" Jeeze. Slow down Andrea. #1 - I think Alan is an absolutely wonderful name for a hamster. #2 - It is spelled "hamster", with no "p". But this is a common mistake, as "hamper" is actually Latin for hamster. #3 - It all depends. If we are talking about a foot-long hamster here than I'd spring for the stretch, if not, a regular limo should be fine.

"Eek Eek. I'm Alan . . . the Hamster."

~Vitamin K~ Fresh from the Garden State comes this little missive from a girl named Kate. She probably only has one leg, but let's see if we can help her out anyway. Kate writes: "Zach, you seem to know a lot about food. Or at least about what tastes good - like gummy candy. And what tastes bad - like mustard candy. On that note, I'm wondering if you can recommend any good banana flavored candy?" Well Kate, whenever anyone brings up banana flavored candy I think the first thing people think of is the bananas in Runts. And after that . . . nothing. So unless you like Runts, you're shit out of luck. Perhaps you should just stick to the actual potassium pod itself! As an old friend of mine once said, "I don't like anything that's not a real banana."

~Your Friendly Neighborhood Hog~ Now, we take it from bananas to apples as one long time reader, first time writer contacts us from the Biggest of all Apples, New York City! Brett writes: "Zach, how are you so cool? Also, I am in the process of detailing my new motorcylce. I've been dreaming of owning (and detailing) my own bike ever since my 5th Grade class went to go see "Easy Rider" on a field trip in 1969. Any groovy tips or tricks I should know about detailing?" Brett. I'm glad you wrote in. Have I got answers for you! First question first - I was born this way. The second one calls for a visual response. So, instead of trying to describe its beauty, I will simply show it to you and you can take it and learn from it and worship it any way you like . . .

~In Memorium~ This next one comes from Anonymous in Gilford. It seems pretty important, so I'll cut to the chase. "Zach . . .Please Don't Take Nancy. Thank You." Good Advice. And words to live by. Remember them well.

~Character Grilling~ This next one reeks of malt liquor so it is only a process of elimination to find out which Presher it is from. It starts, "Enclosed is one 8 X 10 glossy photograph of me in the nude. . ." At this point, what with the booze, the nudity, and the Manchester postmark, I think we all realize we're dealing with Chad. Chad writes: "Zach, I was throwing a BBQ and gave you plenty of notice so you could come. Instead, you got *last* Saturday off to go to a Bike Weekend where you didn't even go to the Weirs and your biggest story involves a Sasquatch Attack behind Pleasant Street School. I am offended. My wife Mackenzie is offended. We had canolis, Talking Heads, and tons of food just for you (as well as several other guests). We regret that you cannot come to the BBQ, and in an effort to hurt you furthur (and by extension Peter, Tim, and Ben) while making ourselves happier, we have chosen to purchase the new Kenmore Elite from Sears in honor of the BBQ. We will accept it as your wedding present and christen it tomorrow while you are rotting in hell wrapping presents while evil old hag's ask you if you've remembered to take the price tag off first. Can't wait to get the $1,300 check for the grill for our 'Elite' BBQ-ing experience!" Hmmmmmm. Well, despite finding six ways from Sunday to hurt me Chad, I don't really see much of a question anywhere in all that vitriolic spittle. Again, I apologize for not being able to make (yet another) of your big shin-digs due to the fact that I am stuck at the Crappiest Place on Earth. I am glad though that you sent a picture of your new Kenmore Elite Grill stapled to your "glamour shot" (as it were). It will be the best $1,300 I've never spent. [Note: I have no idea what grill Chad and Mackenzie actually got. This is just my guess]

"College Education or the new Kenmore Elite Grill? You decide."

~Black Sheep Bashing~ This next one comes to us in the craptastical colors of Winnisquam High School, blue and white! It must be from that scummiest of the WinniScums himself, Brad! Brad writes: "Zach. I have a lot of things going for me. I can make my own breakfast. I hang out with Ja Rule and P Diddy. I've even been known to stalk Britney Spears. My problem is, simply, my family. They fuckin' suck. My extended family specifically. I want to get rid of them. I've tried everything from Goo-B-Gone, to rabid dogs, to rat poison, and to faulty breaks. Nothing works. What should I do?" Well, you raise some important issues here Brad. Let me just say this though, I fully endorse stalking and have no problem with it whatsoever. Also, did you ever think about just sitting down with your family and discussing your problems with them? If this doesn't work (though I don't see how it couldn't) your best bet is probably just to cover their floors with mustard and not ever send them thank you notes. That will do them in every time. Or just punch them in their facial deformity face.

~Funny Ha Ha~ Wow! What a night! Another Garden State salutation! And this one not far from ol' Parsippiny! Hannah from Madison writes: "Zach, I feel like I'm wasting away down here in New Jersey. My blood's granite levels are way way down and I miss New Hampshire bad. There are cons to New Hampshire of course, my sister Becca's freakish fear of processed cheese foods being but one of them, but how I yearn for the all-night deliciousity of the Friendly Toast and all the Matt #2's I could eat. Instead, I am trapped in Madison, where even the Early Bird Specials are closed by 4 PM! So, on to my question, I just watched 'Wet Hot American Summer' and whoa boy did that tickle my funny bone! Any other recommendations that will make me laugh my blues away until I am back in the state that made Franklin Pierce the international superstar that he is today?" Hannah, good to hear from you. Especially from a location so far below the Mason/Dixon Line. I do have a recommendation for you actually! I actually just made this same recommendation in my last entry, but it's JUST THAT GOOD that I'll say it again. By the group that brought you Wet Hot American Summer and The State is the sketch comedy of Stella! They started out as a weekly show in New York City with several former State members and their various friends. Now it's gotten big and they filmed several skits and they are now online. Go there now! You'll be glad you did.

"Don't let our suits fool you. We're the highest-brow low-brow you're gonna find in all of the world. And by the world, we mean America."

~A Child's Tears~ This one comes to us express from Tim in Brighton. Tim writes: "Zach, I have a rather peculiar problem. For the last few weeks, almost everywhere I go people have been snickering in my direction and pointing. After a while I began overhearing that they were saying something about someone named 'Dobby'. I cannot read, so when I asked my local grocer who this 'Dobby' was, and he informed me it was from the Harry Potter series of books, I became further distraught. Someone told me 'Dobby' is a 'wee-little elf-like creature'. Surely, with my seven foot frame, people couldn't actually be mistaking me for him in public. I asked my roommate Coty what he thought, but sadly, he cannot read either. A small child who saw me on the T this morning broke in to tears and looked into my eyes and screamed 'DOBBY!' Well, Zach, level with me, do I look like this Dobby guy or what?" My short answer is "yes". My long answer is "absolutely, yes."

"Tim Curtis has come to warn you Harry Potter, sir! You must NOT go back to Hogwarts this year!"

~My Aim Is True~ Our last letter comes to us all the way from wintry Alaska. Quinn writes: "Zach, I need some advice. There's an eskimo up here that I'd love to rub noses with, but I seem to have run up against a wall of seal blubber (not literally . . . this time). We both like the same types of igloos, we both fish with the same time of pressed walrus guts as our line, and she hates Veronica's Closet as much as I do! The only problem is, she is already living in Nanook's igloo. What should I do?" The answer is simple Quinn. Kill Nanook.

And we'll close with the Eskimo that this writer would most like to rub noses with:

[And God said . . . "Perfect."]

And so - On the longest day of the year. On the eve of Nanny's 74th Birthday. On the beginning of summer. On the markings of anniversaries long left unmarked. On the occassion of celebration of long dormant poison ivy swinging back into town. On the Summer Solstice . . . and looking towards the next Summer Solstice . . .

It's been real,

Mr. Flemming

ps - I lived on a houseboat in Spain! But I guess . . . that's not really . . . not really appropriate to this entry . . . I'm . . . I'm sorry.

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