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A Parallel In Pictures

2002-05-01 - 3:18 p.m.

Ok. We're going to veer off of the road a bit. What is it about firestorms that makes them so damn difficult to extinguish? Well, first came my "Sexist Comment" in the [A Skeleton Dancing A Jig] entry, then, having been attacked by everyone from Gloria Steinem to Peppermint Patty, I decided to write a retraction in my last entry [Animated Ovaries]. Well it seems a CERTAIN SOMEONE didn't take too kindly to the retraction either. This certain someone, who we'll call Monique, because that's her name, seemed to think that the retraction (rife with 7th Grade "period jokes", more of this "sex-is-m" I've been accused of, and caveman speak quoted to her) seemed to be worse than the original transgression. So, after various threats to me (ie - "Fuck you. Fuck your Mediocre journal and fuck fuck fuck!") I have decided to try to get back into her good graces (if she indeed has such things) and portray a more *ahem* flattering side of Monique. In a show of good faith, I am even ignoring the ENTIRELY OPEN OPPORTUNITY to make a joke out of trying to "find Monique's 'flattering side'". Besides, it's only fair. I've seemed to somewhat demonize her thus far in my entries, so it only seems right that I now take this opportunity to lionize her.

Here is what I'd like to call:

~Monique: A Poorly Researched, Sophomoric Overview Of Her Life, Which At The Same Time Illustrates Why She Is Such A Good Friend~

{Written for Scholastic Purposes (and The Ages) by Z. Q. Foote, with assistance by his literary toady, and the one who knows where all the bodies are buried - R. J. Morten}

-Monique was born in 1978

-She was in the maternity ward at the same time as Chris Thibedou

-Monique was an Elm Street School Tiger

Notice if you will, that even as early as 1986, Monique (1st Seated Row, 2nd from Left) had the power to pull other luminous personalities such as herself into her orbit. In this photo alone, she is within arms reach of such Reagan Era superstars as J. Kish, Julie Gayl(a/o)rd, Ellen "I sit on my hands" Shaw, and Shannon "I look like a My Little Pony" Zagrannis. How a colossal bore like R. Giguere was seated next to her we may never know. Monique's best friends are also not too far away in this photo. To the right of Miss Shaw, we see Monique's three closest confidants: L. Magner and N. Cote, who have just flown in from the nearest 1950's sock hop, and Leia Frazier, fellow School Street alum, (seen in this photo before leaving Monique in later years to move to Maine -almost; Seven Times). It seems like she just couldn't steer clear of that scamp Chris Thibedou either! There he is, right behind Miss Cote, in glorious blue and white stripes. The Demon that Walks the Earth as a Human: C. Matthewman is seated to the right of Chris, and behind her we find everyone's favorite multi-hued land plow, S. Landow! There is nothing else to comment on in this picture. Especially not the boy in the back middle wearing red, white, and blue (clearly a Patriot!) with the high collar. For all we know, his mother probably FORCED him to wear his collar high on picture day.

-Moving on, it was about this time, as the 80's rolled on towards the 90's, that Monique picked up the all-too-appropriate nickname of Mokey. It was strengthened in popularity due to Tim McLaughlin continuing to use it even in to the 21st Century.

Purple and Furry - Just like Monique.

-As Monique entered the 90's, and with them, the Memorial Middle School, she began a long and illustrious career as a Sachem. As a Sachem, she decided it was high time to broaden her horizons. Her French background dictated that she be more dramatic than most (as well as talk with her hands) and she joined the Drama Club. While Monique would end up changing her last name from "Patin-en-Glasse" at this time period (so she wouldn't get pigeonholed into playing parts such as "The French Maid" and "Charles de Gaulle") she did hold fast to her Parisian middle name, "Yvette", which her parents choose in honor of Colleen Camp's flawless performance in "Clue: The Movie".

[Like a mirror image of Monique. Except not.]

-By 8th grade, falling into the pressures and vices that are common to most adolescent Drama Club circles, Monique hit bottom. And bottom hit her back . . . hard. That's right - Around 1992, Monique both learned how to read . . .and how to drink. Like many before and after her, Vermouth and Christopher Pike were her poison (despite being chastised on more than 12 occassions that "You DON'T drink straight Vermouth!").

-A typical night out for Monique in '92:

& a healthy dose of

-Monique finally saw her way out of these pathways to destruction by picking up less lethal habits: Hanging out with boys and Funspot. She would still enjoy the occasional hot toddy, but quickly forced herself to forget how to read. After fixing her faulty washing machine and adjusting the candle holders, she would often hitch a ride with any random pick-up truck full of boys that would take her to Funspot. She wasn't really any *good* at any of the games (ignoring urge to make a sexist comment here, as we will just be back to square one) but God bless her, that didn't stop her from dumping all her tokens into Air Hockey and Paperboy. Monique spent roughly $1,700 of her Friendly's tips at Funspot between the years of 1993-1994.

[KEEPING KIDS SOBER FOR OVER 20 YEARS!!!]

-In her high school years she continued to make an impact on many people's lives. If you needed someone to kidnap you across 3 different state lines in one night, she was the one to turn to. If you needed someone to hide in the trunk of a car and listen to conversations not meant for her little French ears to hear, Monique was the one willing to get in the back of that Honda. If you needed someone to help inspire you to get your schoolwork done on time by chanting "Ricky didn't do his homework!" over and over again IN math class, the Monique was the one to enlist. If you needed someone to talk to about current televison shows (ie - Taxi, The Dick Van Dyke Show, Mary Tyler Moore) Monique was the aficionado. If you had a lot of extra steak hanging around, you could be sure Monique would make quick work of it and none would be wasted! And most importantly, if you needed someone to escort you in front of parents and friends as you dressed in drag, than BY GOD, Monique was the one to escort you.

-After high school she chose to join the world renowned New England College Fighting Pilgrim Theatre Group and put on some sure-fire showstoppers!! (A few of which were "Sherlock Holmes and The Copper Beaches", "It Was A Dark And Stormy Night", and "Two For The Road") Often times, after performances, Monique would lie in her dorm room, looking out at the stars, with Simon and Garfunkel playing softly in the background, and dream of what life must be like in New York, New York! If the Muppets made it there, she thought, anybody could! Even a down-on-her-luck Granite State farm girl with a penchant for Blueberry Buckle!

-After graduating New England College she moved to New York City and hasn't been heard from since.

Tune in next time, for our regularly scheduled journal entry! Look forward to prepping for the wedding of the CENTURY, unexpected company at Spider-Man, and Scotland P.A. thoughts . . .

It's been real,

Mr. Rollins

ps - I can only hope this wasn't too mediocre . . .

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2002 - 2009 ZQF8

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