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Bless Me Bagpipes!

2002-04-24 - 10:58 p.m.

Ooooh, an early night tonight. So yeah, today was a total "Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200" kind of day. I woke up at 6:20 (mewing and composty as usual) and sat-up. I looked at the red digital numbers that read "6:20". I then said aloud: "I don't like this show. I'm gonna wait for the next one." and promptly passed out. And woke back up FAR AFTER my quiz had been handed out. Argh. So that was a great start. After waking up and remembering the newest chapter in my slumbering stupidity I went to the kitchen for a Breakfast Bar. That would hit the spot. Then I was very annoyed that I didn't have any. I don't even know if they still make Brekfast Bars. But if they do, and if I had some, I'd be much happier.

So, whilst scarfing down my French Fry Pizza this afternoon I was *overjoyed* to read that Swedish scienticians have revealed that obscure foodstuffs known as FRENCH FRIES and BREAD can cause cancer. Oh good. Good. I mean, great. Cause I don't ever touch those. Umm, how 'bout the Swedish stick to what they know, red candy fish, and leave the cancer scares to the Russians, where they belong.

I didn't shave today. I did eat almost an entire box of Apple Jacks today. I saw Nate Gordon at the bus stop yesterday. For the 2.7 of you who know who that is, it should come as no surprise to you that he referred to me as "brother". I watched my first DVD ever (The Matrix) thanks to Nate Gordon's super-stylin' entertainment complex. I have at least a few bad words to say about just about everybody I know . . .except Nate Gordon. He is too nice for his own good. How he put up with the bricks-for-brains nincompoopery(*) of Coty, Fred and I, I'll never know. Granted, he had ties to Gregory Kunkel, which never scores points in anyone's book, but he'd always bring us home pizza. And then Coty, Fred or I, the evil rodents that we were - whichever one of us would come across Nate and his gift of Pizza first would squirrel away what pizza there was (more than enough to share) and swear Nate to not tell the other two. But by that point, the other two would start sniffing about in the air knowing new delicious foodstuffs were on the premises. I probably haven't written "foodstuffs" more than once in my life. Now I've written it three times in the last 10 minutes.

So my boss, Bob, comes into the store the other day and he says to me "So, I hear Spring Fling, or should I say "Festivus", wasn't the best of times." And I'm like, Oh My God, he knows, he totally knows, fuck me. And I say "Yeah, it was ok. I was gone Friday night, but I was there Saturday, nothing special." And he says "Yeah, I saw a report on TV that they didn't get as many students at the planned festivities as they wanted and they mostly went off campus." So NOW I'm thinking, OK, Ok, he doesn't know. He's just making conversation, and being friendly. "Yeah, it was ok," I say "Nothing special." Then he goes out to the back room and picks some new Sanrio merchandise off of the magic Hello Kitty Tree and comes back and says to me "Yeah . . . well, I also heard that there were QUITE A FEW 'detainees', for lack of a better word." And then he smiles. This big motherfucking Cheshire Cat smile. So I'm like, well goat ass, get ready. . .but then, hold on a sec goat ass, 'cause then again, he ALWAYS has a big Chesire Cat smile. So I'm freaking out, but acting like I really am not paying attention to the conversation. "Yeah," I say "I read in the paper that there was something like 140 people arrested." So I think that the talk of Festivus is all over and then before he leaves he says "Well, I just hope none of those detainees was wearing any G. Wallakers clothing." To which I (too quickly) replied "Well, my guess is that any hypothetical detainees were a little bit more fashionable then to wear their denim G. Wallakers shirt on Campus on a Saturday night . . .at least, that's my guess." And then he just smiles and says "Have a good day." And then I killed everyone in the store who could have leaked the info, which is everyone. So now I have to work lots of extra shifts, cause management doesn't look too kindly to slaughtering the work force ya know? Anyway. . .

So I've had SEVERAL opportunities to tell my parents about my Big Trouble in Little Durham and have yet to do so, which is pretty ballsy on my part considering how many links there are between people who know and them (and I'm not even counting the Slops here).

Ok. I've meaning to say this FOREVER, but you know that Winterfresh ad where the check out girl is checking out the groceries and then when she comes to the Winterfresh gum it *magically* turns the scanner into a turntable and laser spectacular? I should note that the ad is Animated. Ok yeah - So I think the cashier girl is hot. I'd say don't judge me, but I can't logically expect to say something like that and not get judged. Sigh. It's not like I said I thought MRS. BEAKLEY was hot! Jeeze. Besides, if it was a life or death situation in Duckburg and I absolutely HAD to pick - I'd go with Magica. Oh come on, what self-respecting guy wouldn't?! (And by "self-respecting guy", I mean to say those that are secure enough to debate the rating of cartoon character's sexiness). I mean, your choices are Mrs. Beakley, Ma Beagle, and Magica De Spell. That really isn't much of a choice at all. Besides, Magica has that sexy femme fatale voice that I just totally go for in my Wicked Gypsy Duck Villainesses.

Baby, you can have my #1 Dime any day of the week!

Well, that should have sufficiently driven away what readers are still left reading my earwig influenced drivel. . .

It's been real,

Flintheart Glumgold

ps - Has anyone ever, in the history of the game, even *tried* to collect $200 on their way to Jail?? I'm one of the cheatingest cheaters of them all, and I haven't even tried that. Although, I should have tried that last Saturday night. It would make paying my fine a lot easier. . .

pps - But seriously, Magica has got some SERIOUS junk in her trunk. I mean, look at that thing! It looks like it could go off at any moment!

ppps - Admittedly, some of Magica's vamposity loses its luster when you realize she is voiced by the same person that voiced that testament to Roast Beasts - Ma Beagle, the butchiest Gummi this side of Gruffi - Grammi Gummi, and the most annoying prankster this side of Rhinokey - Jokey Smurf. Oh June Foray, is there anything you *can't* do?

pppps - (*) - He said "poop"!

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2002 - 2009 ZQF8

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