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Box of Rain

2002-04-10 - 1:17 p.m.

Before telling of the fast times at Kids in the Hall, I've felt compelled to take a brief detour. In what I am SURE will be a semi-regular feature, I'd like to present Case One in the ongoing pychological gobbledygook that is the brain of Fred Robie in:

"The Mind Melting Freakishness of Fred"

A bit harsh? No, I don't think so. Yesterday I received a mix CD from Fred Robie. It was cleverly concealed in a decorated case that was clearly the former home of an AOL start up disk he got in the mail, or a sample computer game he got from PCWorld Magazine or some such. The actual paper used as the cover image seems to be a random print out of scientific mumbo-jumbo fresh from the autoclave at Varigenics (Fred's own personal laBORatory). The CD title is (hold tight): "Zach (?) - Sandy (squrril) - Less (squirril) - DNA! A pinch of Mom, A Dash of Dad, Bake for Nine Months, Mmmm! That's good Zach!" Ok. Now this made me chuckle. I wasn't going to quibble with the fact that I *actually* baked for 7 months. I did want to quibble that my father's name is "Les" as in short for "Leslie" and not "Less" as in "not more". Also affixed to the case is a sticker that says "Now! No Credit Card Required!" left over from the original mailing. That makes me laugh - that one would not need a credit history to purchase my stem cells. Also, while *it too* makes me guffaw, only Fred Robie would offer two DIFFERENT yet both WRONG versions of the word squirrel. I'm glad that he knew that more than likely he was wrong but decided on the crap shoot of being wrong in two glorious varieties.

On the back of the CD case is a mostly blank white background with the top (written out in green pen): "Featuring Selections By:", which uncomfortably makes it sound like the soundtrack to my life. That rascal Fred only mentioned a few bands and left the rest of the back side totally blank. You know, the area where most people would put a track list? He did disclose in this section that one of my personal favorites, Smashing Pumpkins, were included. (And by "personal favorite" I mean to say that they make me bleed from my eyes into my shoes). Poor Fred's tired hands choose to abbreviate Toad the Wet Sprocket as "Toad the. . ." but they seem to have no trouble writing out "Col. Bruce Hampton and the Aquarium Rescue Unit" (voted Rolling Stone AND Spin's Best New Band of 1993).

Inside the front cover of the CD is more of Fred's creative crackpottery, but this time it actually made me look forward to listening to the CD. The inside front cover is entitled: "How Zach and Fred met". Below it is a picture of Ralph Wiggum labeled Fred. Next to it is a Ralph Wiggum quote (clearly doctored) that reads: "Mrs. Foote and Principal Foote were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the Zach looked at me."

The inside back cover depicts a Q&A it seems Fred conducted with himself. It is short and to the point. It says: "Q: What will I do if you don't like this CD?" "A: Climb in a gas oven with "No Funeral" written on my back"

On the actual CD it is written: "Throw Away All Other CDs! This is the ONE!"

Well, I guess it's a good thing I didn't take THAT little quote at face value. I'm not going to share with you the entire track list of the CD Fred made me, due to the minor reason that I have never heard several of them and don't know who they are (and have no way of finding out due to Fred's most likely answer to me asking would be "I don't remember"). What I can share with you is the following:

Track 1: Box of Rain - Grateful Dead

Track 2: Landslide (originally by Fleetwood Mac -one of MY FAVORITE Fleetwood Mac songs- and covered here by the melifluous voice of Billy Corgan and his Smashing Pumpkins, this one, I can tell you folks, was done with 100% pure spite)

Track 3: Don't Know

Track 4: Don't Know (sounds like Grant Lee Buffalo)

Track 5: BOX OF RAIN - Grateful Dead

Track 6: Don't Know (sounds like James, but I know it's not.)

Track 7: Steely Dan, how weird, I LIKE THAT!

Track 8: Something by Smashing Pumpkins

Track 9: Don't Know (sounds like Yo la Tengo)

Track 10: Don't Know (sounds like Steve Earle)

Track 11: One Headlight - The Wallflowers

Track 12: One Headlight - The Wallflowers

Track 13: Don't Know (possibly Toad?)

Track 14: Something by Smashing Pumpkins

Track 15: Don't Know

Track 16: Don't Know

Track 17: Don't Know



What did I ever do to Fred to deserve this pain? The sad thing is I actually *LIKE* several Smashing Pumpkins songs. Not a ton of them, but there's 5 or 6 even I would put on a mix. Of course NONE OF THEM are on this CD, but if I EVER need to locate a copy of "Box of Rain" I'll know where to go (despite the fact that I ALREADY OWN IT). I refuse to even dignify Track 11 & 12.

As Andrea said: "Who made that CD? A monkey?"

Indeed. A monkey. A monkey who smells like anti-freeze and is from Winslow, Maine. Ladies and gentleman, Fred Robie: CD Mix Making Monkey-At-Large.

[Note to Satan Monkey himself: Don't think I'm not equally capable of making a CD with copious amounts of Billy Joel's "Shades of Gray"]

"Why would they come to a concert just to boo?!" - Lisa Simpson

"Why would he make a CD just to make me openly weep blood?" - Zach F.

"Because I can." - Fred Robie

It's been real,

Keiko the Polar Bear

ps - Oh Frederick, it looks like it's time to get that oven cooking with "evil" gas. . .

pps- Proof that this CD is only the latest in a looooong line of cruel and spiteful "pranks" on me by Flowbie Robie. Exhibit A: Fred charging in to my room on Rt. 4 in the middle of the night and bludgeoning me with a Charlie the Tuna phone while Coty captures it on film:

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